I failed again, but I want, I need to stop before ...........

Good luck! Indeed 1 day at a time but I recently just notched off 50 days and it went really quick. Everything gets easier with time when you are not gambling.

Firstly tearsofaclown, thanks for your thought and time in reading and posting, DAY 2 - Woke early awful thoughts running through my head but i recognised them crawled outta my pit and made it to work. Not a very productive day, spent most of it on this site trying to find some 'answers' to my issues. Saw my counsellor at lunchtime - she is now the only person in the world who can help lift the depression from the major losses i have suffered, that said it's down to me, I have to find a way to accept the losses which will lift the depression eventually. One day at a time hey, catch you all tomorrow.

Hi lost my life, Thanks for your lovely message on my diary this morning.

You have taken a big step by coming back because you want/ need to stop, so that is a big positive to start with, well done for that first step.

Your head will be full of all sorts of desperation, to put in one word, you understand one day at a time, but do you know that means with everything within your life, there is a hell of a lot we have to sort out and deal with as you know my friend, but small steps with everything is the initial way forward.

A good start is to let all the losses go, yesterday has gone, you won't get them back, draw a line on it, you know that even if you won big today,,it would soon be ploughed back in, because you cannot win because you cannot stop,

Let it beat you, get off the merrygoround of gambling, and start an amazing journey that is recovery.

Once you say goodbye and accept the money has gone ( let's face it once hooked in its not about the money anymore it's the addiction that wants you to blot everything out in your life and just bet and bet and bet) it's utter utter madness.

You need every barrier and defence up,that you can get hold of because it's only you and you alone that can do this and if you are really 100% committed now to recovery, you can achieve this one day at a time.

Don't think too far ahead there's too much going on in your head now, to plan too far ahead, by taking small steps one day at a time you will be amazed at what you can achieve each day.

Time money location is a vital tool,and works very well, if you take one away it's impossible to play.

Being totally honest to ourselves and trying to be kind to ourselves is another first good step, you have f****d up,,but it can be repaired it can be amended, every day you don't play, you get slightly stronger and ofcourse you are winning every day.

You are in day 2 so you are already winning, even though you don't think so at this time,

I wish you all the very best on your continuing recovery, and will look out for your posts, having a diary really helps too, and the support on here from like minded folk is nothing but encouraging, we are not judged on here, everyone wants the same thing, to keep abstaining from gamblng.

I know you wont be feeling very positive at this time, but by reading and writing in your diary as much as you can at this time will help you,

You are on day 2, you want/need to,stop, you have started a diary, I can see 3 positives already.

One day at a time you can do this

Suzanne xx

Thanks Suzanne, for your caring thoughtful post, as all gamblers on here know, its very difficult to deal with major losses, I am very raw still, very concerned as to the path i will follow now i want/have finished gambling, what will i do with all the extra free time?. Feeling lonely tonight, wish i could turn that clock back six years.

God, lost my life, I wished I could turn that clock back, hence my diary title title lol, each and everyone of us would be lying if we did not wish we could not that clock back, we can't it's done and dusted, you will feel very raw, but as for not knowing what path to take now, you have made that decision and it is quite simple, recovery, peace of mind, no more debts, do it, you have nothing to lose by doing so, but so much to gain, let those raw big losses go, you will never get them back.

Take care.

Suzanne xx

DAY 3 - Hi everyone, I have tried this before 'diary writing' and left this site thinking I was cured, but i wasn't. So I aim to stick at this and post every day I can. (I cant post on Saturdays - spent with my loved one - how I have let her down) So DAY 3, was suppose to be up outta bed at 6.50 to ready myself for work, managed to crawl out at 7.30, the way I felt in bed was awful, I understand the feelings now (it happens every time after a major loss), depression, hatred of what I have done to myself, anxiety, lonliness (for after all no-one understands except fellow gamblers what the losses/addication can do to you). However I am at work, I guess like us all on here, if you have a job, you need to keep it, to try and pay the bills and make some headway in your life. I know now I have come to an end with the gambling, on here 'triangle' has it summed up, you cannot win because if you are winning you cannot stop. That has been me for 6 years, but I cannot go any further with this, the shame I would bring upon my father/mother/sons if I gamble any more is unthinkable. So a post in my diary a day, please be strong P..l.

Hi to everyone who has posted in this forum section to-day, some really heart-renching posts (Dunc-Mac for one) thanks to NT for your post yesterday - appreciate you took the time to post. I always believed I could recover all or part of my lost monies, now after so many set-backs I know that is not possible, because if I win some, I will be back the day after to try and win somemore back. Until that ineviatiable loss, which becomes a major loss. So maybe the penny has now dropped I cannot win back my horrendous losses or as 'Triangle' says if you win some back you will not stop. It's taken me a number of years to learn that painful lesson, and it is bloody painful, I should be approaching retirement now, that will never fully take place now, I will have to work full-time till at least 66/67 and then part-time till say 75 (if i live that long). I am currently 58, squandering 30 years of savings in 5 years is a tough nut to swallow. Not sure if having nothing and borrowing to gamble is easier to take than the route I took of working saving and then squandering. Maybe some of you out there have some views on that. Anyway DAY4 completed, (no posting tomorrow) day with my partner, so next time Sunday, hope you all have a gambling free week-end.

Hi Lost my Life, I have done a lot of both, borrowing to gamble, squandering every last penny I worked for & both are extremely bitter pills to swallow because regardless of where the money comes from, there is nothing to show for it except heartache. I personally believe that borrowing the money is worse because that has to be paid back, with interest! It took me about 3 decades to finally click on that chasing my losses only ever led to more losses & I am resolute in my recovery albeit I am only fighting the fruit machines as I continue to do the lottery & the odd scratch card! Having read what I have read, I now understand there is no such thing as a cure for me & I will need to be in recovery making the right choices for the rest of my life! I didn't like it to start with but of late (well, since yesterday to be completely truthful) I am angry with the addiction as well as myself & I never want to feel like I did when I was gambling again so if being in recovery is what it takes then so be it!

Try not to look too far ahead, all we can control is our day in hand so just for today, choose 'No'! You can do this - ODAAT

How are you doing today, Lost? Many thanks for your second post. Much appeciated. I can see from you diary that you really have suffered. I agree that positivity is very important on this site and will bear that in mind. I do personally hold the gambling problem itself with quite a lot of contempt (as I do my own past actions) and I think this manifests itself in the occasional sarcastic murmur. I very much hope you can stay strong.

Mark

Many thanks to the three of u who posted This afternoon on my diary really appreciated your comments, be back Sunday with more thoughts ta and a happy free gambling weekend

Hi to everyone on the last Monday of January 2015, (by the way I hate winter - not only because of SAD syndrome, but also because I gambled more in winter - because you can't be outside as often as you can in summer). Its DAY 6 for me, feeling strong about no more gambling (but iv'e felt that way before many times in the last two years), still badly down/depressed about horrific losses, still grieving about them. I know the next level is to let the losses go and draw a line underneath them, thats the hard part for me, Iv'e never been able to do that. Been reading a lot on here last nite/to-day, some great supportive posts, keep them up, just hope that six months down the line i can be as supportive to others as you good people have been to me.

Hey
Lost

i think most people struggle with this i know i did. I eventually came to look @ it like this. For every ВЈ100 i spin the gaming operator will take on average between ВЈ4-£8 of it. This is built into the programming of the game, they even tell you via RTP. So their profit is guaranteed. They know exactly how much money to expect. So who am i winning my money back from. Other poor misfortunates such as us thats who. If i win i only do so because poor Mr X has put his mortgage money for the month in there or Mrs Y has gambled her pension away that day & will not eat today. I no longer wanted to contribute to their & my misery

Hi Lost

Well done on 8 days, keep strong, stay focused and keep winning.

Suzanne xx

Hi diary, its been a tough day, the urges are running around in my head. Let me explain 20 or such visits to the bookies from 12.12.2014 to 16.01.2015, roulette on fotbs, never a loss £2900.00 up, so winning can happen, how do I ensure I don't do that again, knowing I will never leave unless I make a profit? We all know where the £2900 is now, gone in one hour on Monday last. My mindset is disorted , however gamble free just. .... For nine days goodnite all