The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Hello Markman and ODAAT

I always respect and enjoy(?) your posts and I too have come crawling out of the woodwork seeking some solace after gambling again. I nearly made a year but then I reverted to escape uncomfortable reality. Fortunately (I suppose) I have had a big loss a couple of days ago and have come I hope to my senses. It's been one of those difficult months with everything challenging at home and work. So we know the easy way out. I nearly achieved a year GF so I can at least have an extended run of good fortune! Time to begin the long run again. The early days are the most difficult. Markman the cycle you describe indicates to me an unhealthy relationship with money. I can relate to it. Even when we are in remission we are thinking about debts or being comfortable or imagining a future of financial security. Yet for me the best days are when money isn't at the forefront of our thinking. Days when we live in the present without money at the forefront of our minds.Yes we have things to pay and address but these are manageable and don't have to be consuming. The whole reasoning behind the RTP was essentially that the love of money is the root of all evil. We don't love money. We often hate it. But we are normally consumed by it because of our gambling and how it has twisted our consciousness. Just a few thoughts for a Friday. I sincerely wish everyone the best in their fight against the machine!

Stressful night. Not much sleep as I know this is going to be a tough week to get through at work.

I have a doctor's appointment in 20 minutes. Mild rash and general MOT.I have dropped the boy of at school and my wife is at work so I can rest on the bed for another 10 minutes in the empty house.

No desire to gamble so far today. Quite content to relax before the day's real grind begins.

It will be nice to post this evening once the day is negotiated and the family is all back together to rest for the evening. Blessings.

Mark

Good afternoon Diary,

I thought you'd like to know that I have let my best run since joining the forum slip away in a single five minutes of madness.

I was tired. I was stressed. I was not thinking straight. Whatever.

Bottom line is I was selfish, thoughtless and irresponsible. I gave into my addiction. Back to my old gambler self.

Instead of taking usual stroll through the park and have some quiet reflection time in the churchyard, I elect to walk up the high street and find myself outside the bookies and allow myself to be enticed by the flashing lights within.

Mechanical sound of money being sucked out of my wallet and into the belly of "the Machine," a few bright lights and tweets and the rest is history. One Sterling note of the highest denomination swallowed up in seconds.

Thankfully I stopped there as my wallet was otherwise empty and I walked back to the office avoiding the cash point.

I have never had a problem with "the Machine," however in those five minutes of madness I understood exactly how its hypnotic magic takes its hold on its unsuspecting prey. Having said that, as a compulsive gambler I have a problem with any form of gambling.

An expensive lesson to learn, but one learnt very quickly indeed. Feeling quite sick at the financal loss, however I have won so much more these past few months that I will put this one "down to experience."

Mainly feeling the pang of my run of abstinence being over.

And so the winning (in the correct sense of the word) will reconvene.

Day Nought.

M

Before I ever stepped foot in the bookies, I was the most patient and helpful of people. Gambling stole those personality traits away from me and turned me into the mirror opposite charcter.

Helping anyone became a chore if it came between me and the next bet and I had no patience for anyone wanting to distract me from my addiction.

After last week's slip I have already clambered straight back on to abstinence-mobile and I feel my patience and amenity have immensely improved. Just one of many reasons not to give up the fight against this "terrible affliction."

Good Morning Diary,

Has been a while since I last posted but wanted to let you know that I am still in good shape.

Christmas has always been a tough time financially and emotionally and addiction has compunded the Chirstmas stresses these past few years 10 fold.

All the checks are in place. The blocks remain on the internet and my bettings accounts remain closed.

I am working solidly in the office and at home trying to make Christmas a happy time for everyone.

It is a blessing that the Christmas shopping has been done. These past months I have have given chunks of my wages to Rosie to ensure she got ahead for Christmas. I knew that I would have otherwise only been giving this money to the bookies.

For once there is sufficient money in the bank get us comfortably through to the new year with perhaps an evening out in the meantime.

Only concern for me is that I am yet to by Rosie a single present - I have always waited for the Christmas bonus. Always get nervous at this point in case the bonus does not materialise but no need to panic as I am sure I would work something out.

Usually the silence as to the bonus would make me panic into gambling and losing whatever I had, only for the bonus to materialise and for me to wonder how well off I would have been had I been sensible.

Well, all blocks in place and little scope for me to screw up just now. Need to focus on family and work and nothing more.

Mark

Morning Diary,

I look back at my last December entry with mixed emotions.

My bonus came in and I managed to abstain from gambling for much of December and as a result was for once able to provide for my family at Christmas. Materially my family had all they needed - or wanted rather.

However my mind was consumed with a sense of shame and foreboding coupled with a bizarre desire to gamble.

Unfortunately I let addiction get the better of me this month. The consecutive jackpots I won in two spins of the reel which elated me were in vain as I squandered all profit lot on sport.

I take solace in the fact that I was honest with my wife about this relapse. She was pleased partly because there were no actual financial losses but more so because I was upfront with her - if only I was straight with her 8 or so years ago. She deserves better than me.

I have decided I cannot go on living like this. In feeding my addiction I am voluntarily living a life of torment. I do not want to be feeling like this in 1, 5, 10 or 20 years time. I would be better off dead as far as I am concerned.

To coin a phrase from a favourite film, I will "choose life."

I have taken the following steps already which will hopefully help me on my road to recovery:

1. I have spoken to my wife who has full access to my personal bank account so she can keep me in check (this is one of the most difficult things I have ever had to do)

2. I have been open with my boss who has already installed solid blocks on my work computer

3. All online betting accounts have been closed indefinitely

4. I have joined the 100 day challenge

5. I am posting regularly again

6. I will be speaking with my debt manager to review my budget. I am sure it could be updated in my favour and the extra income would be invaulable.

I would like to thank and at the same time apologise to all the members of this forum who have offered their wonderful and yet wasted support over the past 5 years. Hopefully I can beat this "terrible affliction" and prove that your support was not in vain afterall.

Signing off on a so far gamble free day.

Markman

Hi, come on you can do this if you really try, as the saying goes for us compulsive gamblers we cannot win because we cannot stop, I can tell you how much better I feel after not gambling for just over 100 days, I'm spending quality time with my family now, I'm enjoying life more, I can sleep better because I'm not beating myself up over the losses, you derserve a better life, best wishes x

Good to see you back Markman & lovely to see you have a financial plan but you've been around the block enough to know I'm gonna give you another kicking right? It's not enough for you!

Great that you have given her full access to finances & you were honest with your wife before you did any further damage but the mental anguish you document won't go away with the spin of a reel, a steely determination or a shout out to the big man...You need to learn how to love yourself again. Your wife is with you for a reason & it's not because you're giving her a champagne lifestyle now is it? If you're not ready to get help for you yet, why not accept it so that she can see proof that you want to be the man she knows you can! Phone the helpline, get to GA, do something different this time & not just putting in financial barriers.

You can do this - ODAAT

Many thanks for your posts Anon100 and ODAAT. So very appreciated. Will stop by your diaries soon.

Am now 6 days gambled free and the benefits are already becoming apparent. A clean house, homework done early and a clearer focus on work.

Chances are had I gamble this week I would now be back drawing down payday loans which I paid off last month which means that I would have considerably less to live on next month. Right now I feel no sense of regret and know that next months wages remain intact.

Loving Mixer and Co's 100 day challenge. Perhaps this group commitment is what was lacking in my previous attempts to recover. Being competitive I want to keep up with the group and as a team player do not want to let the team down. I feel very confident about going 100 days gamble free this time. As I said before this would be life changing. Gambling has made me become obsessed with money when all I was ever interested in was having enough to pay the bills and to be confortable.

Anyway, I had better get back to work as I have 3 colleagues in the office next door who woll be twiddling their thumbs until I do some work and in so doing give them some work to do!

Mark

Keep going Mark...I know what you mean about not wanting to let down others on the 100 day challenge...we are getting through the days nicely x

Many thanks Rhoda 🙂

Still going strong. I could go home now but have fresh coffee in hand and will work on a few more files.

Will need to help Louis with his Egypt comprehension this evening and then hopefully an early night for everyone.

It is amazing how disorganised family life becomes when one is constantly holding a mobile phone to check there bets. When enthralled by gambling everything becomes so much harder both financially and on a basic practical level.

Part of my problem is boredom. I could never get used to having disposable money and in certain respects relished the challenge of getting by on nothing and enjoyed the euphoria of my financial dispair being allayed even though temporary. As my 14 year old daughter would say, this is seriously messed up.

Here I am. Barely a week to the good and sounding like a veteran abstain and maintainer.

There is still many a mile to negotiate on this rocky road beset on all sides by the iniquities and tyrannies of that monster, Gamblor!

Mark

Today is 8 days without a bet.

I have been here so many times so do not feel any great sense of achievement however I realise that just getting to this stage is an acheivement in itself.

I feel blessed that I have had the strength to resist the urge to gamble these past 8 days. I am looking forward to payday and February with much more calm and hope. I can already appreciate the money that I have saved.

A recovering alcoholic who is close to me at work says it is easy to let one addiction be substituted for another. In my case I think the addiction lies in buying random treats that I would not normally go for... a pot noodle, a peppermint Ritter sport... a block of goats cheese in the reduced section! At least these are comparatively inexpensive but I need to hone in the urge to compulsively spend or, in the words of my children, I might get "fat...er!"

Hopefully not!

Hi, every day is an achievement, your doing well, keep it up - your already seeing and feeling the benefits of not gambling. Take care, remain strong and positive x

Thanks again for your post A100!

Day 11 free of addiction.

Feeling great as a result.

It is not just the financial freedom but simply not feeling compelled.

I feel quite liberated.

Still early days of recovery but I have been here enough times before to know that my mindset is different this time.

In past attempts I have missed gambling. Not today.

I have humble means but for the purpose of day to day living I have more than enough. As a cg I can live on barely nothing at all.

10 days till payday and February's wages still intact.

Here's to a relaxing gf weekend!

Today is my 13th consecutive day without a bet of any description and it feels good!

Objectively speaking, I know I would live to let addiction "knock itself out," however I know that to give in to it, would leave me open to financial risk but more importantly, to mental submission.

Gambling blinkers the eyes and gives a false sense of security and happiness. When I gamble I am happy because I can forget about life's trials and feel a euphoria, but only because of the numbness gambling makes me feel towards everyday joys.

If I gamble today I open myself up to unnecessary risk but perhaps more significantly I am open to the risk of falling back in mental submission and dependence on the subject of my addiction.

My mind becomes more focussed with each and every day that I do not gamble. With each day that I do not gamble life becomes a little bit better on a financial level (I spend less than I earn), on a practical level (more time to spend on real life "stuff" that needs doing), work level (more productive as less time hidden in the toilets or on android) and on a mental level (less bored and more content with reality).

I need but more imporantly recognise that I need and want to continue as I have started.

My name is Mark a compulsive gambler at last committed to recovery.