The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Hi Mark, as ever, thank you for your post on my diary...I am honoured that you felt comfortable enough to place your innermost thoughts there. Our stories are not dissimilar & as people have said to me, there is no way of surviving what is now but painful memories, without some sort of scarring. I want to write I didn't experience half the stuff you mention but I guess I did in a way (psychological bullying of my mother & my sister being poorly even though I don't remember it). I'm still very much of the school of thought that what I saw shaped but didn't damage me & am grateful that I was well cared for & (I'm trying to write the word loved but I can't type it) wanted for nothing but somewhere down the line my thinking has become a bit squiffy. You have a family to 'get better for' & you owe it to yourself as much as them to face your demons. Rejoice in the fact that you are not gambling, I did for a long time but keep an open mind & be honest with yourself because there may come a time when it's not enough. You've tried this so many times on your own, don't let this be another false start...We're not kids cowering in our bedrooms or sitting @ the top of the stairs listening anymore, there are people out there who know how to help & who can show us how to get security we perhaps craved from addiction.

Don't let complacency creep back - Kelly

Many thanks for your thoughtful words Kelly. Will stop by you diary shortly.

Just wanted to briefly update my diary. Friday afternoon. At my desk. Always lots of work to do but nothing I can slot in now before I go home now so just sitting back and relaxing until close of play.

17 days gamble free today. No desire to gamble and very little thoughts about it. Whilst only 17 days in to my latest run of abstinence I have been here so many times before and with past experience this latest run for me is mentally as good as a century.

My mind is perfectly focussed. I am not rocking back and forth desperate to leave the office to get to the bookies. However I cannot wait to leave the office shortly as I will be very busy this weekend.

I will tidy the house tonight as Louis has an under 9 football match tomorrow and then a friends birthday party in the afternoon. I have to take him shopping tonight as he needs to buy his friend a birthday present. Also looking forward to buying him a nice tracksuit as it is too cold for skinny ribs to play in just shorts and a t-shirt. I will not flinch at the expenditure as this is a fraction of what I would not think twice about gambling on a lunch break and my word the happiness this will bring.

I was not too pleased about the £110.00 parking ticket that just landed on the bosses doorstep (company car). 3 months ago it was £55.00 but I ignored it and hope it would get lost in the company invoices. A gamble that did not pay out as my boss received a notice of intended prosecution and obviously told me to pay it and I will! Oh well, just another expense which I can swallow as I am not gambling and as a result will not see me gambling to win my money back.

All that being said it is now after hours and time to make a move. Looking forward to some football, cricket and tennis over the weekend, the joy for which I have not lost even without addiction paying a visit.

Have a great weekend you, whoever reads this.

Mark

Good Morning Diary,

20 straight days without a bet and feeling more committed to beating this addiction than ever.

Another weekend safely negotiated. Did some housework, spent a lot of time with the kids and also watched some great sport, without even considering a punt.

Now that I am passed the initial low of my last gambling, for want of a better word, stupor my senses are starting to come back. I am enjoying my reading, my PS4, comedy and travel TV again and also have time to squeeze in a little of the old charity work.

I will not get ahead of myself. 20 days in the grand scheme of things is nothing but in two weeks time I will be back in uncharted territory from which I cannot see how I would look back. I hope.

Tomorrow is payday. Not an issue as my addiction is concerned as, lucky for me, I have had enough money to get by which I could have gambled these pat 20 days. The painful part is seeing my hard fought earnings being eaten up by all the bills, the majority of which should never have arisen in the first place.

I just need to be patient as the most painful ones will be paid off by the summer at which point life would be, dare I say, normal.

I came in to work a little early today. Usually I would have dozed in the car for half an hour first but I want to tackle each day head on. That extra half an hour's work each day will put me on the front foot now and will lighted the load and alleviate stress later on.

One final thought. I was reading my old diary entries over the weekend and noticed so many points at which I said life would be great had I stopped gambling at that point. Needless to say I did not stop and part of the reason is I never truly believed that I deserved or could live a normal life which gave me very little incentive to stop. Looking back I see that I could have had a normal life had I stopped and my life would be much more, shall we again say, normal. I now realise and believe that I can live a normal life. Yes, life may throw a few curveballs along the way but I will be so much better equipped to knock these out of the park if I do not gamble.

Whilst reading my old diary I experienced fond recollections of conversations and banter I have had with other members of this forum over the years, some still going strong, some still very supportive, others who I seem to have sadly alienated for one reason or the other and no longer acknowledge my posts. It's funny but I miss quite a few members who have not posted for a few years. The reality is that I do not really know these people from Adam and yet I miss their presence and cannot but help wondering who they are and how they are fairing in this big old world. Hopefully well.

Enough sentimentality. Work beckons.

Mark

21 Days Gamble Free Today! 🙂

23 Days Gamble Free Today.

In 10 days time I will have equalled my longest ever run of abstinence in about 12 years.

Last time I fell to a tiny bet and things avalanched from there. I could say I was complacent but bottom line is I did not want to give up gambling in my heart.

This time is different. Not only do I need to stop but I actually want to stop gambling.

This addiction is hallucinating. It makes you fear things that are not a threat. It makes you feel worthless. It makes reality invisible. I do not want to go back there. No amount of money is worth the hallucination.

February is expensive.

Today is my brother's birthday. By not gambling I have saved enough money to give my destitue brother a card, presents, beer, a little money and buy him a curry.

Tomorrow is my wife's birthday. By not gambling I have saved enough money to give a card, presents she actually wants and will be taking the family out for a curry tomorrow.

Valentine's Day is Louis's 9th Birthday. I have already bought the presents he wants, his card and have wrapped them already. All thanks to the money and also the time I have saved by not gambling. So nice not to leave it to my wife to deal with and so nice to actually do these things myself.

This makes February a lovely if not expensive month but behind the scene work is very stressful and I have payplan and a few creditors to sort out this week including fending of calls from 2 creditors I have just told to go away.

I will muscle my way through this. By the time I have completed the 100 day challenge this should all be under control and in the past.

I will continue to choose life and will not gamble to soften these minor blows.

Addiction is under lock and key.

Markman - no bet today.

Great post Markman, full of positives and that's so important....

Keep moving forward...It can only get better!

M x

Manth thanks M - much appreciated!

24 days gamble free today.

All focus on my wife's birthday and work!

Happy Birthday Markwoman 🙂

But Markman, seriously? It is great to see such positivity from you but it counts for nothing if you are deluding yourself that simply completing a 100 day challenge will put this all behind you. I never struggled with giving up once I was here, didn't know my demons existed, may even still be a little reluctant to accept that I didn't simply choose to gamble but I'd be an idiot to kid myself I don't need to explore these things. I completely understand the sheer bloody mindedness of wanting to do this alone but I have accepted that for all the years of trying that, it never worked. It's not enough to quit for a few months & get your finances back together, it's about facing the fears & being able to accept ourselves so that we can give the best of us to the people around us. Listen, I know how hard it is to be successful in a careeer but a failure against addiction. I'm not in any way underestimating how crazy it sounds that we can't do this for ourselves but I've kept an open mind throughout my journey & it's served me well. Don't let your ego tell you it's weak to accept help!

That being said, I do hope you have found strength today to do something on your list & that you both enjoy your wife's birthday tonight 🙂

Thanks for the post on my diary Markman! Looks like you have a busy month ahead alrite, enjoy it as you will never get these moments back. Remember, a life without gambing is a life worth living!

All the best

30 Days Gamble Free today and I am loving it.

The benefits are already being enjoyed. I am on top of my work and am far less bored and watch the clock so much less.

Far more organised at home and spending more quality time with the family.

I am enjoying my film and TV again and am also getting out a bit more.

Louis's 9th birthday on Valentine's Day is taken care of. I have bought his presents and he will be delighted, as is Rosanne for not having had to shoulder the burden for once.

I did my annual review with Payplan yesterday and the results were very favourable. A slight increase in the monthly payment which is easily affordable as long as I do not gamble. I also owned up to the additional creditors outside of the plan and they have agreed for these to be added to the plan. So much weight lifted! After the phone call I cannot but recommend that anyone who is in financial difficulty contact Payplan or Stepchange and be completely honest as they are so helpful and want to look after you at the end of the day.

And to boot I have money in my pocket to get me through to payday.

In 4 days I smash my GF record!

🙂

Hi Markman, that Jeremiad was music to my ears 🙂 I'm so glad you have support around you & to help you going forwards properly.

So lovely to hear you spending more time with the family, that really is the stuff that matters!

I'm struggling to embrace (should read practise) some of the practicalities of a more spiritual life but I'm happily abstaining & am fully committed to working my recovery. Fortunately for me my real life support is also second to none & yeah, some questions that I never knew I had are being thrown out there but I'm doing pretty good as it goes 🙂

Good Morning Diary,

I have not gambled for 34 days. I cannot actually remember what my last bet was or for how much and am happy with this.

I have gambled for 12 years solid but noticed I had a real problem some 7 years ago.

Today is a very important day for me as in all my previous attempts at giving up gambling my longest single run of abstinence was for a mere 33 days. Tomorrow is Valentine's day my Son's 9th Birthday and day 35 Gamble free. This makes me happy. In just 15 days I will have hit a half century and I know I will do it!

Every day that I do not gamble I believe in myself even more. The desire to gamble wanes. I enjoy life more as I have money to get by on, enjoy the normal things I used to and also work is no where near as boring as it used to be. I would be mad to go back now.

My mind is clear at the moment and what I see now I could not see when clouded in a veil of gambling addiction. When you gamble you feel guilt, disappointment, shame, self-loathing and significantly disbelief. Your disbelief makes you feel that you cannot recover and your guilt and shame makes you feel that you somehow do not deserve to. The problems go so far beyond money.

I can honestly say at this present time (you cannot take anything for granted) that I am content with myself and where I am and I do not need to gamble to live.

Markman. A recovering complusive gambler. 34 Days Gambe Free.

Happy Birthday Markjunior 🙂

That was some Valentine's present you delivered there 9 years ago huh 🙂 Don't think you'll ever be able to beat that but by fighting to be the man you deserve to be, you give Markwoman the next best thing this year, you!

Thanks ODAAT x

35 Days Gamble Free and working like a Trojan!

Happy birthday to your little lad
My girl is ten today.
It's awesome when the wife asks where her present is I just say upstairs. A gift that keeps giving lol

Well done on reaching 35 day's gamble free here's to many more
Deano