The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Markman

Fella justifying a wager is an act I foolishly nursed for twenty years, by gifting addiction a single penny you are keeping it alive.

As you know as well as I do addiction is like one of those big snakes, it can survive great lengths of time feeding off of scraps,then boom it will swallow the lot.

Tred warily fella, don't become consumed by it.

How much time, brain time did those punts steal?

Time better spent enjoying that family you hold dear.

Because the blunt truth is I have seen to many compulsive gambler's gamble the love of their own families away, myself I sailed extremely close to the wind myself.

Embrace recovery my friend, in truth it doesn't work as a part time commitment.

It has to be all or nothing.

A choice for life, to ultimately gift life.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

A man I have never met, but much admire; a man of wisdom; a man who cares; a man who sports a curious tattoo; suggests I retain my original long term thread as it may help my recovery and, perhaps, others.

Humble as I am, I cannot readily accept that my "blitherings" will be of much benefit to anyone else, but if they help to guide one person in the right direction or put a smile on one person's face, however brief, then I suppose I have given a little something back to those on this site.

I am in no fit state guide myself, let alone others on this site and, in this vein, I will heed the advice given to me by the above unnamed and so: the Ragged Trousered Philanthropists march forward once more!

Today has been pretty much work oriented. Too busy to let my addiction take control on me. I am still feeling the early emptiness and hopelessness that follows a hard lapse. I am used to this feeling now. I recognise it from before - the last time I scraped myself off of the road and back onto the wagon. If I give into my additction now, I would feel pretty good and would forget the pain - short term. That is until I try to abstain again and feel just as I do now. If I do not gamble, soon this feeling of emptiness will fade. Abstaining gets easier every time I try, so perhaps I have made some progress. The difficulty is maintaining. Keeping my composure and not letting complacency get the better of me. Today is a good day as I have not gambled. It has already passed 5pm and I am in the office alone. I will reward myself with a cup of tea (one sugar with milk) and a chocolate digestive before working through two hours unpaid overtime. I then return home to an undeserved reward - my wife and two lovely kids. I hope I will not be too tired to give them the attention they need. If I do not tonight it will be down to tiredness from working for my family and not down to being distracted working against them. Who knows? Tomorrow these words may prove meaningless. The well-meant but ever-unfulfilled intentions of an idiot! But ,tonight.

Markman, you are no idiot (even though you feel you have behaved like one), this addiction makes a mockery of all of us! This diary can serve as a reminder of how far you have come & the struggles you face maintaining recovery! It is diaries like this that have taught me how to face my demons so although it hasn't put a smile on my face recently, I thank you for keeping me safe!

Tonight is all that matters, go home & dig deep for some strength to enjoy your family & allow them to enjoy you! The addiction can go to hell & the more distance you put between you & your last gamble, the stronger you become!

Keep fighting - ODAAT

Loving this feeling. Very small wod on the hip, but no thoughts of wasting it! Another gamble-free day to add to my collection. Going to beat this.

Markman

Fella a wise man wrote upon my thread on my first day here 'be kind to yourself'

At the time I didn't believe that I deserved to do so, I wanted to emmerse myself in a world of pain, I felt I didn't deserve happiness.

Today I understand fully what Smiler meant, by embracing recovery, committing to change I could put an end to the self created misery that gambling waged upon my life.

It is what is on offer my friend, nobody can take that away from you, addiction will hate it, because the truth is for us the compulsive gambler abstinence, choosing not to place that first devastating punt leads to great opportunities for continuous improvement of life and our self worth.

My relationship with gambling blinded my vision, quelled my zest for living.

Abstinence fuels it.

So today I pass on those precious words

'Be kind to yourself'

For its plain to see you want to seek the belief in making the right choice

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

P.s glad you decided to keep this thread active, in time it will become like one of those well thumbed books on your bookshelf, you know the one you can always rely upon in times of need, to enlighten your mind,gift your resolve and one with a profoundly positive outcome.

Hi Markman, just flying by with a Hi 🙂

There's not been an update in a while & your counter is showing a healthy 30 days so I'm keeping my fingers crossed it is family & life keeping you too busy (& perhaps more importantly safe) to post.

Keep winning - ODAAT

Dear Diary,

Sorry you have been so neglected!

Duncan and ODAAT - thank you (as ever) for your wonderful support!

I am still clinging onto the wagon for dear life!

The last few weeks have been tough. Financially things have been a struggle and stress at work has at times brought this man to tears.

On many occasions I felt like wagering every last bit of cash in my bank in a kind of "all or nothing" feat of madness. But I didn't. It was not my money to wager. I can see this now.

I missed a direct debit last month as I was a literally pennies short - nothing more than an oversight as I transferred a few pennies too little that very morning. There were no charges, however owing to various indiscretions a year or so ago, I received a notice from my bank that it was closing my account. Talk about things coming home to roost!

There I was, three weeks ago, with effectively no bank account.

Have you tried opening an account with a poor credit rating, no passport (have not had the money for one since the recession and we always holiday in UK) and no driving licence (need to get a new one before I get a fine)?

I spent hours holding for H M Revenue and Customs to ask it to sent me a new Tax Coding Notice (I noted that this was acceptable by some banks) only to my asked by some smug little git "do you really need one!"

It turns out I didn't.

Having had this unorthodox evidence of identification rejected by a few banks (even though it is officially acceptable) I tried my luck at making an online application with the blue branded high street bank and managed to open account without the need for ID as all verified online. Three days later Mr Debit Card and and Mrs Internet Banking password arrive.

This is pleasing. Having had neither bank account, passport and driving licence really hammered home what the gambling had reduced me to. Ten years ago I had all this and the banks were begging to lend me masses of money. I will have the driving licence next month. The passport can wait until the end of year as will not be needed for a while.

Once again I must pay homage to my boss. Knowing I have had no time off this year but take the family away for a week in Cornwall at the end of August he walks in a week ago with a nice bonus in hand! I am incredibly fortunate. Did I gamble it? Hell no.

I gave exactly half to my wife which paid for the holiday accommodation (just spending money to worry about) and left some for her to buy some new clothes. With the rest paid off some bills and paid for Louis's football for the year. And if that is not all, my boss has ensured that the company car is swapped before the holiday.

I really hope what I write does not offend anyone who reads this as I appreciate how low some must be feeling. For the avoidance of doubt I am not bragging.

I am celebrating what I consider to be nothing other than blessings bestowed upon be by some wonderful examples of humanity and kindness that surround me.

I presently look forwards and shudder at how I would have wasted these opportunities only a short while ago.

I know that not gambling will not immediately make every problem go away (and I certainly have some left to face) but at the very least abstinence will not make matters worse.

I forgot to mention, I have at last bought some brand new trousers!

Best,

Mark

Bragging...that's not bragging Markman, that's a great "feel good" post, learning from the mistakes of others is what this forum is all about, equally to read of the rewards and successes that can be achieved by working at recovery and with a few lifestyle "tweaks" our lives can change for the better is inspiring..well done fella..OAU..Ginger

I loved your last post markman. It had a nice feel good vibe to it. Keep up the positive posts.

Ooo, new trousers & a holiday in Cornwall, chuck in some Candy floss & happy days, it doesn't get better than that 😉 I've just had an incredible week down there & am delighted that the OH finally gets what I've been going on about all these years!

So lovely to see a boss recognising the endeavours of a hard working employee & how proud are you you were able to dismiss the addiction's latest nonsense (nice one) 🙂

Great post Markman, lovely so see something like that on a neglected diary! Keep up the great work - ODAAT

Hi ya, thanks for your kind words & congratulations on 9 winning weeks 🙂

Your holiday is fast approaching now, I hope everything is going according to plan & the weather treats you well! Wetsuits & body boards are a must if it chucks it down & if you're anywhere near Perranporth, there's a shop @ the top of the beach (the other side of the stream to the ice cream place) where they sell reasonable boards for £10!

Keep winning - ODAAT

Many thanks for your post ODAAT!

11 days and we will be having fish and chips at Becks just outside St Ives.

I do not think we will be able to avoid wetsuits this year. Bodyboards are certainly a must and the kids have already picked a few out!

We usually stay at St Ives beachwise. We do take a drive to Perranporth but mainly for an ice cream and the view rather that the beach as my wife is nervous about the rips and rocks there.

I am slowly starting to look forward to the holiday. Usually I am suicidally stressed (and I mean that quite literally) but I have been granted a helping hand at work so I am starting to get my files straight and might just be able to leave things in a tidy state for the locum whilst I am away.

Gambling wise things are tough. I know that after a lovely holiday money will be incredibly tight for a couple of months thereafter. Frankly this scares me and all I can think about right now is having a punt to try and ease the way!

Of all times I need to stay straight now. My wages are coming in early to cover the holiday and we all know what will happen if I even think about gambling.

As soon as the wages hit my account they will be in my wife's account holiday-ready.

This time last year I had a big win followed by twice as big a loss just before the holiday. I was sitting at the dinner table and burst into tears. My wife knew what happened without me having to say. She was great. She sat there and hugged me and said that I was more important than money. Whilst very much my own fault and self-inflicted, my loving wife saw the illness for what it was. The next weekend we did a car boot sale and I managened to do some cash in hand work and managed to pull together to have a reasonable holiday.

This time around the money is there now. Only I can blow it. I will not, but the work stress, the anxiety, the impatience, really makes this illness grab my attention.

I need to get back to daily posts as I cannot be complacent at this vulnerable, but what is supposed to be an exciting, time.

Mark

I have not made that many post lately and this seems to be working for me.

Gambling has been at the forefront of my mind for so many years to the point of mania.

The last few years have been mixed with a contriunous pre-occupation with gambling and a desire to stop.

Recently the desire to stop has become manic to the point of obsession which itself has caused me distress.

I have stopped looking at the clock. Each day that I do not gamble is a victory in itself and these victorious days are reigning in thich and fast.

No complusion to gamble. I feel quite at peace with my addiction. Today I have already won.

One week until we go away on holiday. I received my wages two weeks early this morning to afford us that little bit more spending money. I have always said my boss is incredibly supportive. I have told my wife to expect the holiday money in her account this afternoon. She says as long as it is there she is happy. Trust is gradually coming back but I insisted she holds the money to be on the safe side.

No temptation to gamble a large sum to try and increase the spending money like before. We all know how this would end!

Busy day, busy weekend, busy week ahead. A lot of preparation to keep me occupied. I am grateful for that.

I am grateful for so many things this morning.

If you have taken the time to read this - thank you. I have no doubt you are one of the many kind people who has lent me an ear and a helping hand over the past years. You know who you are (and I am ever grateful)!

Mark

Now back home after a lovely week away in Cornwall. Rain mixed with intermittent sun did not stop us getting to the beach. The family say they had a lovely time which makes it all worth it.

It is a shame that in the back of my mind the whole time were thoughts of I would have rather stayed at home and used the money to pay off debts.

It goes to show that even in recovery, the shameful selfishness of the complusive gambler lives on. It would have been well and good denying my family a holiday and paying off debts, however they are essentially gambling debts which should not have been an in issue in the first place. I never cease to wonder at how I would unflinchingly gamble hundreds away in a matter of days and yet hestitate to pay considerably less for a family holiday.

I have had no real urges to gamble lately. I try not to think about it as I am much more likely to remember the wins rather than losing everything I had in the bank and then driving down the road late at night in my car shouting my head off "why!"

I remember thinking that I was actually cursed at some point and that there was some mystical force making me lose! or allowing me just enough wins to keep me and the torture going! No doubt this is not a unique sensaton.

Absolute madness!

I am now back at my desk and have a busy month ahead. Money is tight as ever and money needs to be found to pay the bills. Gambling is not an option now so will need to earn it the old fashioned way. There must be a light at the end of the tunnel. Must come into view soon.