The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

At the moment I do not have any inclination to gamble away my money but not feeling much better off for not gambling.

Still the bills keep coming in as does the never-ceasing workload and the added pressure of Christmas draws nigh.

Very bored, stressed and frustrated. Really want to write a "life is great without gambing" post but the novelty has worn off.

Pretty much back to my pre-gambling days and remembering what drove me to gambling insanity in the first place.

I am not going back to gambling so need to find something amusing enough to cheer me up enough to plough though the work!

Keep your chin up & keep ploughing on Markman, you are doing great & there is more to life than clearing those debts as your family will attest to!

Plan a treasure hunt (with leaves & bugs & feathers etc) for the kids, go sploshing in some muddy puddles, record the laughter & when you're sitting @ your desk wondering why, press play!

I am out the other side of some very dark days that I didn't know how to beat...I got a relaxation CD, drank loads of water (bleugh) & stopped trying so hard to be something I wasn't. You have an important job, a family who love you, cut yourself some slack with the debt & you will get there - ODAAT

Thanks for the post on my diary Mark, means a lot to get support from everyone here and it shows I was right to come back. Hope your journey is going well and life is treating you well. If I remember correctly you share my enjoyment of US tv shows, what have you been watching lately? I would highly reccommend Mr Robot!

Thanks for another post Mark. The Walking Dead is absolutely brilliant and Fargo is actually already on and is up to episode 4 of season 2. This years Fargo has some interesting characters and a very good storyline so far. Keep up the fight and don't be smashing anymore mugs 😉

I had a bad day yesterday. I was at a service station and having never played slot machines through it would be fun to have a go. I wish I hadn't! £10.00 down turned into £20.00 down and before I knew it I was £50.00 down and had to go to the cashpoint again to pay for food and drink.

Thankfully walking away helped me clear my head and I did not try and chase my losses any more. I feel very stupid and ashamed as I let my family down. That £50.00 would have been very useful. I am only greatful that I did not lapse into sport as I am sure I would still be gambling right now.

I have never been had a problem with slots but I was on dangerous ground yesterday. I can now see how addictive these things are and certainly have more appreciation for the difficulties faced by those addicted to slots.

It goes to show, addiction manifests itself in many forms and I must not let my guard down again. I started to play the machine with a clear head and almost immediately I had forgotten myself and lost all self control.

In view of my own history and time on this site I really should have know better.

Countdown back to zero. No urge to repeat yesterday's stupidity. One wake-up call heard loud and clear!

Markman.

Fella, the famous last words 'I never had a problem with'

My friend you did, because you are like me a compulsive gambler

Addictions dream!

I know that today addiction will be stood like old William Wallace, chanting, trying to get your attention, to 'win' back that bullseye, telling you that same old tune about how you can turn it around, blah blah blah, de blah!

Well I will tell you this, the fifty is gone, addiction took the opportunity and took it.

You are again at a fork in the road

Your choice which way to tred.

I hope it's the right path, yes it's not all bells and whistles, but the path to recovery can be laid with your hard earned.

I walked in those shoes for a great deal of life, wholly committed to feeding addictions call.

There is another way.

Abstain and maintain

Duncs stepping forward never back.

Many thanks for your posts Duncan and ODAAT.

ODAAT you are right, it is not what we gamble on, but the act of gambling itself that is the problem.

Thinking about it, I did get complacent and used not having had a problem with slots to justify my gambling on something or anything. I must say the emotions were just as high on the slots as with sport if not more so. I am so grateful that I have been able to walk away as I know what poison those FOTBs are. I should have known better.

From hard experience I have learned to absatain from gambling for good periods, enough to mean that I still have every chance of recovering fully. Duncan, you are certainly right. I am at a crossroads. Part of me is thinking, you slipped last week, your run is over, may as well carry on gambling. The other part is thinking, just a minor blip, forget about it an move on.

Moving on is the road I am taking today. It is a rocky road for sure. The less I gamble, the more my heart aches with the realisation of the pain I have caused myself and those around me as a consequence of my addition. I know the road ahead is smoother - just need to get to that part.

Today is Monday and I have chosen not to gamble. I will post again on Friday afternoon to celebrate another week of abstinence and to wish all a happy weekend after a hard week's works.

Mark

My last post. Nothing but BS talk from a BS gambler. BIG t*****t right here.That's all there is to it. What will it take for this grown man to learn. I have lost my head and I have been back in action playing with pennies for pennies. Why am I doing this. I know I cannot win. I knew I would be vulnerable this time of year so I gave all my wages to my wife at the begging of December. Thank goodness, otherwise I would have blown the lot and would be spending Christmas on the street. 19 days until Christmas. Please can I just keep my head together until then. It is not about the money. So much time is lost when I am in the other dimension. I need to focus on work and being a half-decent dad.

Take a step back & ffs, breathe! The addiction lives within you regardless of how strong you are feeling @ any particular moment in time...You had your wits about you enough to realise that & for want of a better phrase you did some damage limitation by handing over your wages! The last post may be nonsense now when you read it back but I remember those promises to myself for all those years & I meant every single word of them! Just because you haven't figured out how to negotiate to the smooth bit doesn't mean you won't ever get there!

For me that last line is hope...You have been so focused on the debt til now that you've barely given yourself a chance @ recovery! Being a good dad is a priceless gift to a child, if you figure that out, the rest will be child's play!

Forever marching along in cyber space together - ODAAT

Thanks again ODAAT. That is quite an interesting observation. I must say that when I stop gambling all I focus on is my debt and I worry about this so there never is any recovery. People do say that I am hard on myself. However I must be an idiot to allow myself to be complaicant knowing how much damage my addiction has caused. When I look at some of my earlier threads I cringe at the way I used to justify gambling with the usual "I only had one go" or "I did not lose any money (this time)." There is no justification for my behaviour. Yes, I am ill, but I also have free will. I remember all of the times in the bookies I would say with pride how controlled I was and would pity those who were not when the whole time both the shop assistant and I both knew this will was all BS.

Bottom line: I have been weak yet again. I gambled because it was the easy option. For a few days I was able to immerse myself in my dreamworld and forget about reality whilst foresaking my family once again. I made a conscious decision to gamble again because it was an easy way to help me get over the boredom, stress and tiredness of my day to day existence, paradoxically brought on by gambling in the first place, or was it the other way around, who knows?

I am tired of promising to be good and put in hand all of these measures to help me stay on the straight and narrow because quite frankly I may not adhere to them. Recovery for me rests in the medium to long term. I am convinced that if I stay gamble free long enough to make a day to day difference in the finances and standard of living life will get better and the desire to gamble will wane. So far, I have no even managed to get into the medium term.

I have to swallow my pride. I have to be honest to myself. I am weak. I am ill. I have an addicition. I need to stop justifying my actions. More action; less BS.

Hi Markman - I often read posts on here and can see similarities in myself. The passage in your post from bottom line down to the end is 100% completely in line with my own thoughts. It shocked me when I read it as it was like dГ©jГ  vu. That section on vicious cycle is exactly what I posted earlier this week on my diary 'the promise'.

We need to get out of this perpetual motion and find a new normal. I think being positive and actively pushing ourselves to be positive is the solution.

I have the exact same medium to long term problem. I can break free for 20-80 days but by then something gets too much and I relapse. We need to get some minerals and realise it's over and the better life will come if we give it time.

I will follow you closely in your journey and hope for the best for both of us. Keep the faith.

I've worn those shoes out Markman & everytime I got straight I carried on gambling anyway because that's what I did, I enjoyed it! Now that I am here in recovery, I can continue to punish myself for the mistakes I made & cannot change or I can be kind to myself & make the most of moving forwards...I choose the latter! If you'd been caught out by the interest rates in the 80's gotten your house repossessed & ended up right back @ square one like so many people did would you be worrying about every penny now or would you be grateful for what you have? I'm not trying to justify our dumb decisions, just putting a different slant on them! I think the studies would suggest that the addiction came 1st & the only way to live in harmony with it is to swallow our pride & admit defeat! You were no more a fool than any of us but yes, action required here coz words are worthless without them!

How you holding up Markman? Hope you're well.

Hi Markman, I totally relate and hope to hear from you here again in the near future. It all makes perfect sense, what we write and share about our experiences gambling compulsively... we are addicts and our gambling will play out as all addictions do. we / I must treat it as an addiction not a viable passtime for when I am emotional or bored or fed up. Keep on posting. thx. so much for sharing. T2

Thanks for your post Markman. Update me on how you're doing? I know you said it's tough. What's been the challenges? What would a gamble free life bring?