The Ragged Trousered Philanthropists

Markman wrote:

Thanks again ODAAT. That is quite an interesting observation. I must say that when I stop gambling all I focus on is my debt and I worry about this so there never is any recovery. People do say that I am hard on myself. However I must be an idiot to allow myself to be complaicant knowing how much damage my addiction has caused. When I look at some of my earlier threads I cringe at the way I used to justify gambling with the usual "I only had one go" or "I did not lose any money (this time)." There is no justification for my behaviour. Yes, I am ill, but I also have free will. I remember all of the times in the bookies I would say with pride how controlled I was and would pity those who were not when the whole time both the shop assistant and I both knew this will was all BS.

Bottom line: I have been weak yet again. I gambled because it was the easy option. For a few days I was able to immerse myself in my dreamworld and forget about reality whilst foresaking my family once again. I made a conscious decision to gamble again because it was an easy way to help me get over the boredom, stress and tiredness of my day to day existence, paradoxically brought on by gambling in the first place, or was it the other way around, who knows?

I am tired of promising to be good and put in hand all of these measures to help me stay on the straight and narrow because quite frankly I may not adhere to them. Recovery for me rests in the medium to long term. I am convinced that if I stay gamble free long enough to make a day to day difference in the finances and standard of living life will get better and the desire to gamble will wane. So far, I have no even managed to get into the medium term.

I have to swallow my pride. I have to be honest to myself. I am weak. I am ill. I have an addicition. I need to stop justifying my actions. More action; less BS.

Hello Mark

Yes gambling can be incredibly powerful. Its steals life but like other illnesses, it needs kindness and support. Don't beat yourself up too much especially if your trying. Keep it up. tri

Hi Mark just spent an enjoyable hour reading your diary. It is so well written so my apologies for my lack of grammar, I'm as good at that as gambling.

I'll be honest I started reading and thought this guys doomed to fail he not ready for it but slowly you started to embrace it i was hopful I was wrong. And it turns out i was wrong you kept going and when you did slip you got back on it and started to turn it around before you got into deep dusted yourself off until the next time. Failing would be not to come back and try again

I have not slipped back yet but it's not been easy and I know I'm only one day away and stupid little bet from having to restart that day counter. I'm no expert none of us are or we wouldn't be in this in the first place but what I did notice was that your longest spells of abstaining was when you was updating your diary on a regular basis.

I saw that you tried GA loved it then the week after hated it. I'm not sure if you went back but if not why not try again I have been going for the last 10 week and found a meeting that suits me I was lucky(that's a first) to find the right meeting the first time but a lot of the guys there have been to several before settling down. They will be other meetings in your area try agin it was the best gamble I have ever made.

I hope you find the strength to start another recovery and this might be the one.

How's the weekend been Mark? Thanks for your post the other day.

Hey Markman, I know you're out there somewhere...Hope you are being strong & back to being immersed in work/Christmas preparations? If you get a chance to fly by with a hi, it would be lovely to know that you have my Christmas message of support & very best wishes to you & all your family...MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I just wanted to thank everyone for their posts over Christmas. ODAAT, Triangle, Change, Tara and Oldham. Thank you ever so much! I am sorry I am yet to reply.

I have spent the last month away from the gambling but also this site. I do not have any impetus to gamble at all as I am so very tired with it. I do not think there is any gambling in me left. This is not the illusioned optimistic "I will beat anything" gambler talking. This is the very sober and exchausted individual talking who know thats gambling has him beat.

In the 10 years that I have gambled and in all the failed attempts at giving up I have not felt like this. I am tired of always losing my money and the thought of spending hours glued to my phone in intense hope exhausts me.

I am grateful that my family had a delightful Christmas and we were very lucky in that we did not want for food, shelter, clothing.

I am avoiding the mistake of saying how I will be a much better person and will make 2016 the best year ever. The fact that I have not gambled this year is enough. If I can say the same thing in a year's time then I think 2016 being a good year will go without saying ceteris paribus, that is, all other things being equal.

Well done Markman you are where you are

Lovely positive post Mark,

Suzanne xxx

Many, many thanks Michael and Suzannex

I didn't actually consider my last post to be too positive as it was more one of tiredness than of inner-strength.

As it happens I found an betting slip in my wallet yesterday evening. It turned out to be a winner and I cashed it in the shop straight away and was equivalent to a days wages. I walked straight out of the shop without thinking twice about giving the money back to them. I need to be careful as the same thing happened a year ago and led me back down the rocky road. I treated myself to two savaloys next door and decared the additional money to the Customs Office (my wife) which was gratefully received. She was in fact more pleased that I was not already gazing into my phone than at the extra money itself and who could blame her!

I said yesterday that I was not going to make bold resolutions and promises, however there is one I am going to make and that is to post daily. I think I need to do this in order to avoid complacency. In the past I have even used posting as a means oif justifying my behavious. Such nonsense.

Five days into the new year and still a clean slate. This is feeling better, even good. As before, future is only mine to ruin, or to make good, as the case may be!

Another morning, another gamble free day. The thought of gambling still exhausts me. I really hope this feeling lasts.

I am suffering a little bit as I did my back in on Sunday and have been hobbling around the office at a 45 degree angle much to the dismay of some and to the amusement of my boss who has affectionately named me Quasimodo.

To make myself better and as a reward for still not gambling I treated myself to a Sausage and Egg Muffin and Hot Chocolate Breakfast this morning. I had better be careful. This not-gambling business has unexpected perils of its own and if I am not careful will turn into a fatty (or as my wife would put it, will get "fat-ter")!

Another hard day's graft complete with the evening's graft soon to commence. I shudder at the thought of allowing my affliction to get the better of me. I must avoid complacency at all costs as this has been my downfall. Things are on the up and a normal life is only for me to lose. Many times have I felt this resolute and content with the best of intentions only for something (usually my weak will) to wreck what I have worked so hard for. To quote one Mr Burns: "the best laid schemes o' Mice an' Men, Gang aft agley" - I pray not for this mouse on this occasion!

Keep strong and determined Markman, you can do this.

Suzanne xxx

Thanks again Suzanne - always easier said than done.

Still very much on the wagon. Really looking forward to the weekend.

We have a few quid spare this month as I haven't gambled it so will be going out for a Pizza and bowling or a film. Maybe Star Wars or Peanuts. Funny but the kids want Star Wars and I want Charlie Brown. No doubt Mrs will decide.

Until then need to get back to work. Having to prepare a new flat lease for a client. Interesting work but a real chore when under the kosh!

Ha, do you do mate's rates? Ever heard of someone letting their lease run down to 56 years 🙁

Great positive posts Markman, get those mousetraps down & enjoy Star Wars (I'll hazard a guess that she'll want Snoopy too but she's gotta keep the kids happy)!

Working, working, working - no time for anything let alone addiction.

Great that there's no time for addiction but all work & no family time makes us CG's grumpy gits & we can't allow that to happen 🙂

I've bit the bullet, paid for the valuation & am gonna use Tollers coz I used them before! I'm surprised that it is common but I guess, especially in areas where they are 99 years they're down to 80 in a blink of an eye. Still p733ed with myself because I know better but in the cold light of day, it was only 60 odd when I got it so it's not like I had any say in the additional marriage value costs & despite the fact that I have no patience I am gonna take a leaf out of my own book & stop this pathetic crying over spilt milk!

Thanks for your professional & personal support, it means a lot!