I'm sick of feeling this way. The anxiety and self-loating. The thoughts of what I could have done with the money I've lost. The time I've wasted. I earn good money. I have a loving family and a great kid. But I have no savings. If I lost my job, I'd be in big trouble very quickly. I'm in my mid-30's. It's time to get real. To grow up. Be a man and provide for my family. Get out of debt. Begin saving. Without gambling this would be possible. I hope this is the first page of the diary of how step by step I reach this goal.
Brief history. I've gambled since I was 8. Done it all but mainly slot machines.
A year ago I got a friend to gamlock my computer so I couldn't gamble online.
As I could no longer gamble online I instead switched to wasting thousands on 3 card poker, slots and roulette in casinos accross London. After a massive loss one night in October I self-exlcuded myself from all casinos via SENSE.
But then I found FOBTs... £30 mega spins, and more misery beyond anything I had known before.
Finding FOBTs is like switching weed for a crack pipe....just a crack pipe that you don't have to look to hard for. It's lurking waiting to suck your blood on every high street. The last two and half months have been a blur. But tonight I woke up. I want my life back.
I'm going to try and take back my life a day at a time by writing this diary. I hope the public accountability of writing this diary each day will make me stick to my commitment to not gamble. If anyone is actually reading this. I would so value your encouragement and support. .
The first thing is to be ruthlessly honest about my finances.
1562.96 overdrawn at the bank
Unpaid Gas bill of at least £1000
Work bill of around £500 yet to be paid
811.71 Amex Bill for the month (and counting)
And just shy of 5k on a 0% credit card
8874.67 in the hole.
And I'll be honest. It's ALL due to gambling. I should have easily enough money to pay by bills, AND SAVE money each month. And yet I P**s it all away and then some.
This is only going to get worse unless I take action now.
Story of what brought me to this decision today.
Today I felt angry 'cause I had a row with my partner. It was my day off so I went into town on my motorbike to get out the house. Had lunch in a nice restaurant I like. But knew the real reason I was there was to gamble. Took out £200. In the back of my mind was the desire to win back the £330 I lost last Monday. That loss was so annoying as I was £250 up after about 2 mins and KNEW I should walk but felt stuck to the machine. Everything inside me screaming WALK WALK WALK but I couldn't bet off it.
So today I start of in some PLAYTOWIN arcade playing Rainbow Riches at 1 pound a spin. S****y 88% payout. I know this is stupid I don't know what I'm hoping for. Then off to Labrokes where I torch the remaining £140 I managed not to put through the slots of play to win. I start doing £20 sets on one of their games. Angrily, head back to the cash machine. Take out another £200. Just red mist recoup mode. I don't want to lose this cash. Start doing £10 spins on roulette red or black break even then move onto £2 pound spins in B*****d hit some wild real c**P for £380.
Cash out thinking THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. Have £80 left in my wallet. Decided to deposit £400 back in the bank and carry on gambling with the remaining £60. Loss that in 5 minutes in another Playtowin arcade. Go to cash machine in arcade try to take out remaining 100 of days funds. 2 pound fee puts me over the limit of £500. Then I realise I promised to get home to my son before bedtime. I leave arcade and ride as fast as I can through traffic on way home. Make it with 10 mins to spare. Put boy to bed. Partner at home. Itch to gamble again. Make excuse to go back out to supermarket. End up in Bookie loss 100 very quickly then desperation cash back £50 in supermarket as now at take out limit. Lose all of that bar ten pounds.
As the shop was shutting at 10pm. The staff member running it said "cashout now please" so soul destroying to walk out the door knowing there is nothing to cash out.
This can't go on. I keep telling myself I'm not in too deep but I'm nearly 10k in debt and have NO savings.
This is the first day of this changing.
I hope this time I have the discipline to stop one day at a time.
I hope tomorrow to write that I have not gambled all day. And instead of writing a list of how I wasted time, energy and money swearing at a FOBT I can write at least three things in the day, however small, that I am genuinely thankful for.
Seems today you will eventually start winning, congratulations. Keep it up, I'm from London too and same age bracket also have a young family. Fills me with dread when I think what the hell I've been doing! Please stop this madness, didn't think I could but I have been doing so well, I'm sure you can too.
Had a great gambling free day!
Three things I am thankful for today.
1) this online community and the wonderful replies I've received.
2) the opportunity to watch my son's nativity play
3) my wonderful supportive partner
Many thanks again for your comments. Tomorrow is another new day.
This is the place to be. I have children like yourself and I am not going to ruin their lives like gambling has ruined mine. So I am on a daily journey trying to beat this. Please god you stay with this forum and beat this horrible addiction. Money is money but time with family is more important.
Hello my friend and welcome to the forum , I actually wrote a big post for you as you came on last night and it just seemed to dissapear , so sorry about that !.
I've had the same trouble as you with the Fobt's in the bookies , totally agree with you that they are the most evil little fecker's you could wish to meet .
I've finally said no and am a couple of days away from the magic 100 without a bet , My life's changed so much in that time and yours will to, let go of the past and the losses , whats done is done , it's time to get your life back !.
GT has given you some great advice regarding breaking the triangle and it works , I wont go into too much more except to say keep posting , if you have any questions or issues you want to discuss or just a plain old rant at the way your feeling , then fire away ! , you'll always get an answer and some free therapy thrown in for free !.
Talk to you again soon and well done on deciding to stop !
Best wishes .................Alan
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