Hello everyone! Today marks my 25th day gamble-free. I used to post on another website, but since it offered very little (just a forum with no real activity), I decided to find a more supportive community where I could also contribute. Unfortunately, I can't precisely document my thoughts and state of mind from the early days of quitting gambling, but I'll share my story from a fresh perspective.
I began gambling when I was nearly 14 years old. At that time, I earned my first money independently by selling in-game currency from a video game. Since it was digital currency, I wasn't sure how to convert it into physical cash. One of my closest friends was already placing bets on a website, so I decided to join him. That was the start of a journey that lasted 9.5 years.
In the beginning, my friends and I placed small, infrequent bets, which didn't seem like a big deal. It felt like a minor unhealthy activity, as we did far worse things as teenagers.
Although it wasn't a visible problem initially, it gradually became one. For nearly three years, I bet small amounts with my friends, not very often. However, over time, the stakes grew, and betting small amounts became less exciting. I was the first to start depositing larger sums, and I kept it secret because I would feel ashamed. This unhealthy approach began to take root.
During my last year in school, I drained all my savings and couldn't afford the laptop I needed for university. My life was sustained by my friendships, which were the only thing that made me feel alive at that time. I was depressed, anxious, and burdened by the shameful secret of gambling. That year, I became a compulsive gambler, betting all the money I had. Sometimes, I even took money from my parents' hidden savings. Miraculously, I never lost that money and was able to return it without anyone noticing. Looking back, I realize how close I was to a breaking point. If I had been caught, I might have considered suicide. In hindsight, I sometimes think that getting caught might have forced me to stop, but I'm thankful I wasn't because I was in a very dark place and close to suicide. I believe higher power was saving me, even though, I'm not a religious person.
Despite being a mediocre student with below-average academic success, I managed to pass my exams with way above-average results. If it weren't for gambling, I believe I could have entered the top university in my country for free. However, my state of mind affected my focus on preparation. Still, I'm proud of my exam performance. I secured a place at one of the top universities and moved to a new city.
With a monthly allowance for living expenses, I made my first deposit and won a significant amount, which allowed me to buy a nice laptop. The rest of the money, I lost.
The first two years of university were a nightmare. When I turned 18, I was able to take on debt, which trapped me further. Thankfully, a close person saved me, and I'll forever be grateful for that. Additionally, my low credit rating prevented me from taking on more debt. I returned to my hometown and have been living with my parents since then.
For the next 3-4 years, I continued gambling with whatever money I had, but without taking on debt.
After struggling for so long, I became very aware of my problem. Initially, you can't *** the scope of the issue, and you rationalize your decisions. I tried to quit every time I lost money, but every time I got money, I relapsed.
This year, in 2024, things began to change. My beloved cat was dying, and I promised her that I would never be afraid and never gamble again. She passed away, and I lasted a few weeks before relapsing. The guilt towards my family, who didn't know about my struggles, the sense of unrealized potential, and the social isolation I had imposed on myself became overwhelming. I kept betting here and there, and my determination to stop was accumulating without visible progress. But it was accumulating.
On May 14, I placed my last bet. Today is my 25th day without gambling.
I haven't detailed the darkest times because it can be an unpleasant read and I feel uncomfortable about it. However, I think it would be helpful, at least to write my reminiscences down for myself as a form of self-therapy.
In my first post, I focused mainly on documenting the historical events of my journey without delving into who I am. I'll try to do that here.
First off, I've always loved sports, even before gambling. I loved playing soccer, attended a soccer club, and was quite good at it. I was competitive and enjoyed engaging with others through the sport. I believe my competitiveness and sense of expertise in soccer were two negative factors that made me vulnerable to betting.
Additionally, I come from a modest background, and perhaps I saw winning money through betting as an opportunity to break through. In reality, it made me fall behind.
The third factor I hadn't considered until a few months ago when I tried to quit gambling. I was reading some scientific and philosophical papers on gambling, one of which explored the psychological aspects of addiction, including Dostoevsky's gambling problem. It delved into Freud's analysis and discussed Dostoevsky's troubled relationship with his father, suggesting his gambling was a form of unconscious self-harm. I won't dive too deep into it as I'm not an expert in psychoanalysis, but the point resonated with me.
My father was also very brutal, and analyzing my past and gambling behavior, I believe this could be one of the reasons I was so vulnerable to gambling. My father has two sons from his first marriage, much older than me, and I know that one had gambling problems a few years ago, while I suspect the other might be struggling with some addiction as well. So maybe, in a way, I was destined to have a problems and to overcome them. I was punishing myself for not being able to protect my mother through gambling: the thing that Dostoevsky did and the thing a lot of people does. After reading that paper, something inside me shifted, and I felt a bit more prepared to stop gambling.
I was quite shy, though not excessively, especially within my circle of friends. I was smart with a good sense of humor. Gambling made me more anxious and shy; I started losing and avoiding opportunities to connect with people. I've never had a girlfriend, even though some girls and ladies showed interest. I lacked the confidence to take a step forward and never had the money to invite a girl to dinner. Absence of money could be a factor in avoiding connections with the opposite s*x and friends, although it wasn't crucial but I believed it to be important.
But I don't want to dwell on the past with regret and hopelessness. Even though I couldn't cultivate some of my wonderfulness (everybody has this) to become the person I should be, I look at the past and try to draw appropriate conclusions. I know I can't do everything on my own, so I plan to find a psychotherapist or psychoanalyst who can also be my mentor (if that configuration is possible).
I'm happy to be 23 years old and not in my forties because, given the negative trajectory of my life due to betting, I'm sure I wouldn't have built a decent career or created a family. I want to focus on life and its beauty and try to connect with the world. I don't see gambling in my future anymore because it will drag me back to the nightmares of my past.
I wish everyone success in overcoming their gambling addiction. You are brave and capable of having a great life.
Alright. I believe now is a good time to share how I spent my 25 gamble-free days. First off, before I made the decision, I watched the Netflix documentary "The Social Dilemma." That was a conscious choice because I felt like I was using technology reactively, and I knew that needed to change. After that, maybe the next day, I placed some bets, lost my funds, and decided, "No more."
I then decided to go five days without using my phone or laptop, a small dopamine detox (I did spend a few minutes at the end of each day checking my email in case something important came through). Since I'm currently unemployed, I could afford to do this.
Those five days definitely helped me feel a deeper connection with my environment and my own mind. Most of the time, I read paper books and did workouts, just like a prisoner in a cell. I also started taking cold showers, which I love. I was safe from gambling because I didn't have any money to gamble.
At the end of that period and after some time, I somehow reverted to some of my bad behaviors when using the web, like watching P**n and scrolling through social media and reading unnecessary stuff and watching useless content. Now, a few weeks later, I have become more balanced with no compulsive actions. It's getting hotter, so I haven't been doing as much sports, but I try to leverage the healthy benefits of physical exercise.
I haven't had any urges during this period; it has been pretty easy. I feel like I'm slowly but steadily becoming a better person in all aspects of life. I've started reading more, learning French, and focusing on my studies as preparation for getting a new job. I'm more attentive to the world around me and try to develop my social skills. I also feel like I'm becoming a better person for my family and everyone I meet.
Yesterday I got paid. I didn't have any urges to gamble. At the start of this journey, I closed all the paths that would allow me to gamble. I self-excluded from all the websites.
Although I didn't have urges, I was afraid of how I would act if I got one. So before going to sleep, I did a mental exercise. I deliberately and rationally visualized the process of finding a way to deposit, making a deposit, and placing a bet. Then I imagined how the game would go badly for me and what I would feel. On the other hand, I thought about what would happen if I won, and I concluded that I would just keep making new bets until I lost. My visualizations showed me that there is no alternative path where betting benefits me. I repeated all the reasons why I shouldn't bet and what caused me to stop.
I don't feel like I've won the battle. I've been reading many stories from others about how they relapsed. So, I need to stay focused, yet relaxed enough to work on myself and my goals.
I will commit to reading stories here, as well as papers and books on addiction. It's hard for me to read this forum because it puts an emotional weight on me to read about others' struggles. On the other hand, it makes me happy to read about how people succeed in overcoming their struggles. All my love to everyone here. Have a good weekend.
Hi , firstly really insightful read and well done for facing up to the reality of how gambling robs you of a life you want to live.
I am at a different stage of my life however there are a lot of similarities, the concept of messing up my future hit me like a train at the beginning of the year. I am now 124 days gamble free and life has come back into focus, and interestingly what I didn’t expect is that watching sport has become more exciting (well most matches).
I have still encountered my gambling trigger points and weakness but to date they have become more infrequent.
The only advice I can offer is that no matter how many days you are GF it’s not always about the days but the safeguards and support structure you have in place. I am sure that on day 50 or day 500 there is still a possibility of relapse.
Again stay strong when you get an urge try and step back and look at the situation holistically, you will then see that the end result of a bet win or lose is irrelevant in the bigger picture of life
Nice post mate, open and honest. I think that’s been the key for me so far and this forum has allowed me to do that. I’m not good at sharing my feelings and being honest in person so having an outlet on here has been hugely beneficial. It sounds like you are in the same mindset as me and are determined to beat this. As you say you’ve read lots of stories and realise how easily it can be to relapse but you’ve taken the right steps in blocking everything down.
Congrats on your journey so far, and good luck in continuing on the same path. Hope to hear some more of your story in the future. Like you I find it helps to hear of others successes and relapses.
Stay strong 💪
Thanks, Rob! I appreciate your support and piece of advice! Indeed, everybody has their own unique story and is in a different situation, but we should support each other and learn from each other too.
I would agree that the gf daily counter is not crucial in general; what's more important is the effort you put in those days to become a better person, to get rid of bad habits from the past, to stay present, and to stay disciplined. But it's still a good representation of the effort put in, and I hope I can reach 124 gf days.
Thank you, Weirdfish! Being honest with yourself is the first step to progress in anything. If a person came to this website to seek support, it's already a sign that they want to change the order of their lives and that they have the determination to do so. That's what all of us have in common.
By the way, I've read your topic on this forum, and I want to congratulate you on your progress. It's a rough personal story and an emotionally hard read, to be honest. But I want to express my great respect for you. I'm sure that as long as you follow the path you've chosen, life will reward you with new opportunities and surprises.
@h2gk3a76m1 Hi. Thank you for your posts. They are insightful and interesting.
I have had some very dark days which I haven't discussed the details of on here. It is amazing how easy it was to get to the edge of desolation.
The first councillor I spoke to believed that problem gambling was always due to a feeling of rejection earlier in life. I didn't entirely agree with her... We all have experienced trauma in one way or another. We don't all gamble.
I think that we are much more basic. We do things that make us happy, if we like it we repeat it. Through repetition it becomes a learned habit that we don't even consider, we just do it.
Recovery from a gambling issue is learning to reprogram that pattern of behaviour. Some find a higher power that they invest in, others put a 101 blocks in place to avoid gambling, others just stop as they realise they are hurting themselves, many just continue.
Good luck with your journey. Make sure you keep coming back here, to this forum.
J
It's nice to see you here, Thebean! Thanks for your words of support.
I can't speak for everyone, but I can say for myself that I believe my gambling issues have deep roots in certain traits and past experiences that made my psyche more vulnerable to addiction. Not all people with childhood traumas gamble, and not all gamblers have had childhood traumas.
So, I agree with you on the point that your counselor offers too generalized a concept of the reasons for gambling, even though it may really be a factor that increases the chance of being vulnerable to gambling for some people. However, one cannot become a compulsive gambler if they never try to play.
The point where I slightly disagree with you is how you simplify the process of becoming a gambler by the repetition of pleasurable actions, which end up becoming a habit. It seems to be right at its base, but it hides additional factors that may be personal for anyone, even something as simple as a person being stubborn and unyielding, so after losing five dollars, they decide they must take revenge.
I don't really feel like I can debate this topic now because I'm only 27 days in, so I need time to learn about the subject more deeply to gain an extended vision of the issue.
Thank you for visiting my thread here and supporting me. I'll definitely be showing activity on this forum, and I want to repeat that your topic on this forum was the one that motivated me to write my own. Good luck.
Day 27: Nothing interesting to report today. I plan to work hard this week on my job preparation. I didn’t have any urges, but I do have one small thing to share. I had a dream the other night where I experienced an urge and acted on it by making a deposit (in the dream). I was a bit disappointed when I woke up, but if this is a way for my psyche to release tension, I'm fine with it. I actually feel quite chill and relaxed afterward.
31 days GF. Exactly a month ago, I decided to quit gambling once and for all. I'm pretty exhausted after this week, as I've dedicated myself to full-time studying. I still have my Friday tasks to complete, so I'm not done yet.
I don't have enough energy and passion to write a longer post, but I wanted to acknowledge this first big milestone.
A human's clock is always in a rush; God's clock is always on time. I'll keep doing what I need to do without expecting anything in return.
Love you guys. Peace to everybody.
Even though I thought I had nothing to say today, something did happen.
In the morning, while checking my email on my phone, I received an advertising letter from a sportsbook. This surprised me unpleasantly, as I thought I had unsubscribed from all such emails. I clicked the "unsubscribe" button directly in Gmail, which has a function allowing you to unsubscribe without visiting the website. However, this button didn’t work, so I thought, "OK, I’ll do this from my laptop later."
I wrote my post dedicated to 31 days of being gambling-free and did some studying, though not much, as I have been overloading myself and should be more cautious. I forgot about the morning email, but later in the day, when I opened Gmail again, I came across the same letter. I clicked unsubscribe again, and this time, Gmail informed me that I needed to visit the website to unsubscribe, which couldn't be done from the mail app.
So, I opened the sportsbook site, which required logging in with my Google account. I logged into my account—the one where I made my last bets on May 14.
I don’t know if my mind was cloudy and I forgot about self-excluding from this particular website or if it was some unconscious trick that made me forget to delete that account. It could be the latter, as I’ve often left a way back in during previous attempts to quit gambling. In retrospect, I realize this was the only website I hadn’t excluded myself from, although I thought I had. Nevertheless, I had put enough blocks in place that depositing on this site would take days to complete.
When I logged in, I saw I had a $10 balance. At that moment, I realized I was being challenged: could I remain gamble-free, or would I give in? My goal in visiting the site was to unsubscribe from the mailing list and delete my account. The "I agree to receive emails" toggle was off, so I shouldn’t have received the letter.
I contacted customer support via chat to ask why I got the email and how I had money in my balance. The support specialist told me it was a ticket to participate in a predictor tournament. I had to guess the precise bracket of the tournament to win a prize based on the accuracy of my prediction. I decided I wasn't risking anything, though I meditated briefly on whether this would end my gambling-free streak.
While constructing the tournament bracket on the website, I didn't have a moment of hesitation about depositing money. So, yes, I completed the bracket and used the ticket. It’s important to mention that, with or without the brackets and predictions, I would still watch the tournament to cheer for my country, as I did before gambling.
I don't think I can call this a relapse or gambling in the general sense of the term. However, it’s something my conscience wouldn’t let me hide from you all. If I didn’t mention it, I don’t think my thread here would be honest. Even a small lie or exception can lead to significant trouble in the future.
Wikipedia defines gambling as an act that includes three parts: the amount wagered, risk, and a prize. I don't think the first two parts apply to what I did, and after some consultation, I can't confirm that it was an act of gambling. But, I also can’t claim otherwise. So, I decided to reset my gambling-free daily counter to zero.
I’m still proud of myself for not depositing and betting money, but I did make another mistake. I put myself in a position where I could win some money, that contradicts one of the reasons I quit gambling: I want to be fully responsible for my successes and failures, to earn money and accumulate capital through my efforts, hard work, and meaningful actions. When I was gambling, my big flaw was believing that by winning a certain amount, I could skip steps and get closer to wealth.
My fault lies in my inability to assess all outcomes initially. I’ve put myself in a moral dilemma about what should do now? What will I do if I win something? I didn’t bet money and don’t plan to, but I committed a mistake.
I’m sorry for letting anyone down. I will draw conclusions from this and become more robust. The whole story might seem exaggerated, but I want to approach things and fight gambling in this way. I didn't intend to present myself as a martyr who stoically accepts all mistakes and strives to appear perfect. I simply want to be honest and overcome my gambling addiction.
The thing is, I don't want to engage in anything related to sports that involves predicting outcomes for a chance to win money. This mentality needs to stay in the past.
1 month! Get in! Congrats, and big congrats on not depositing. I know you count this as a loss, and to I totally agree with your logic however you have not lost any money. You have been tempted by the gambling sites and that’s how they get you back in. Whilst you have fallen for their tricks, you have not given them any money. You have also realised this is not the path you want to go down. You have shown a moment of weakness but also great strength in owning it and not getting sucked down the rabbit hole.
I truly admire your honesty but think if this as a positive. You saw a chance to get back to gambling and nearly took it. You skirted on the edges of what gambling is but recognise that you can’t do even that safely as it’s only going to end one way. Take this as a lesson learned, but also as a big tick in the I can beat this box.
Stay strong 💪
For sure, my friend, I really appreciate your words. I also see this as an important lesson to learn now, rather than somewhere in the future. I wasn't even thinking about depositing. I did not lose money and I did not win, which, in most cases, is a more poisonous outcome that can lead to further destructive gambling.
I just wanted to keep my story here honest and thought that continuing to count the days without considering this incident would be unfair. Now, I'm more aware of some dimensions of gambling I hadn't considered before, which strengthens my resolve even more. Perhaps somebody will read this and benefit from it as well.
🖐️
These past three days have been pretty dark. The Friday incident couldn't leave me without consequences. I didn't close my sportsbook account after participating in that "promotion event" because I thought, "Oh, maybe if I get some prize, it will be unreasonable to turn it down. After all, I need money now."
Yesterday, I discovered that all the barriers I set up didn't work for this website, and I could easily deposit money using Apple Pay. Despite going 34 days without depositing or placing bets - days where I felt in control and had no urges - I seriously considered depositing and betting on a Euro game.
Just a few clicks stood between me and that decision. I thought about this thread: would I have to end it and become one of those guys Thebean talked about - people who vanish and stop sharing their journey? I now think many of them bounced back to gambling, which is quite sad. I also pondered what I would write if I relapsed and how I would rebuild my journey from scratch, and what others would think of me.
Ultimately, I realized that losing would devastate me, and winning wouldn't bring any real financial gain - it would just lead to continuation of gambling. Besides, withdrawing money could be difficult and exhausting. Somehow, I managed to push aside the idea of gambling.
The Euro group tournament will continue for another week, with three games per day. It's naive to think this story will end here. Since I still hadn't closed my account, I could easily access it and deposit money. Today's urge was even stronger than yesterday. I seriously considered depositing and quitting this website. I thought that betting throughout the tournament might be more profitable than just one bet. Perhaps, at the end, I could return here and say, "Look, I was in a dark place, I gambled, but now I want to move forward and never gamble again."
This time, I entered the deposit amount and my personal details. All that was left was to enter my card number. The commission was quite high, and I wasn't fully committed to depositing as I went through the process. I don't know why - I just wanted to go through the process and demonstrate that I wouldn't actually do it. In both cases, yesterday and today, the biggest barrier preventing me from relapsing into gambling was this thread and my desire to belong and contribute to this community. Without it, I'm certain I would be gambling right now.
Today, I have self-excluded myself from the site. I no longer care about the outcome of that prediction I made; there's nothing to lose there. The only thing I care in Euro is supporting my national team.
These past three days, especially the weekend, have been incredibly draining. I've paid the price for my mistake on Friday, even though I'm not sure if I've paid the full price or if more challenges lie ahead. I've been in a bad mood, feeling unenergetic, and experiencing headaches for the past two days.
My conclusions:
- One month wasn't enough to reprogram my mindset. I still believe I won't fully succeed until I find a psychoanalyst, which I can't afford until I get hired.
- This thread and my fear of appearing dishonorable in the eyes of fellow forum members (which I consider my major flaw; thinking about what others think of me too much) saved me from relapsing.
- All my rationalizations, self-analysis, and documenting my gambling journey for therapeutic purposes seemed to vanish when faced with the deposit page. It was just me and the game. However, all these efforts may have had an unnoticed cumulative effect on my overall success.
- I slipped a bit when I wrote about not having urges and thinking everything was easy. Perhaps I underestimated the possibility that this wouldn't last.
- It's important to regularly reread all my posts here.
After the incident last Friday, I was proud that I didn't deposit money and bet, even though I was close. Now, I feel drained and mentally exhausted by all the fuss in my mind. Fun fact, I see that my thread has exactly 666 views, which feels very symbolic given the temptations of the past few days.
I'm debating whether I can afford a few more days of detox or if I should focus on preparing to get hired. I've decided stepping back would be beneficial. I'm entering a meditational retreat until Saturday. I hope to return with more peace of mind and balance.
Sending love and peace to everyone here. Keep writing your journals.
Excellent honest post. You dodged a bullet and that’s what this place is for. It reminded you of why you are here. You wouldn’t let anyone down here, everyone has had the same temptations, but you would let yourself down. You would feel regret the moment you placed the bet. You would hide from this forum and slowly slip back to the old ways, until you get over it and find your way back here to do it all again. That’s the cycle you’ve broken by not depositing and you should be proud.
I don’t think 1 month is anywhere near enough time to hope you can be safer around gambling. You will never be safe around gambling, but this incident has shown that you can control your urges. You came very close, but YOU made the decision to not do it. That’s what you have to remember. YOU are in control. It may not feel like it, but ultimately you stopped it.
Take the positives from this. Search out any other loopholes and get them blocked. Good luck on your retreat. I hope it clears you head.
Stay strong and meditated! 💪
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