The Name of the Ghost

Day 19: Back home after 3 days in the countryside. It was a very good refresh and recharge; I wish it could have lasted a little longer. I was reading Bram Stoker's "Dracula" alone at night, and it was a chilling read. All of the descriptions of the Carpathian terrain and scenery were very immersive while being in a similar environment myself. I was more mindful of the nature around me and tried to capture some of the scenery I saw—something I couldn't appreciate when I was a compulsive gambler.

I've also decided to spend my monthly budget on some sports equipment for my home workouts. This means that until the end of the month, I will have a very small amount of savings—less than I could gamble with. So, unless a black swan event occurs and I earn something unexpectedly, I will be unable to gamble, at least until day 40.

I believe that building an organic life with no place for gambling is as important as fighting the addiction itself by following all the generally accepted practices. That will be my focus for the next 3 weeks. I believe I now have enough space to actively work on overcoming my social anxiety, just as I did with gambling.

I don't feel like I have a lot to share in this thread lately, but since it has been crucial in my recovery so far, I want to maintain it as I can. I will continue to stay humble and put my heart into recovery. I need to be more diligent in building a meaningful everyday life and adding new dimensions to it.

I wish peace and peace of mind to everybody.

Day 25: Back in the day when I started my thread here, I was on day 25 as well. Both of these cases seem different, though.

This time, I feel like I have more experience. I know how to behave and what to expect in situations where urges are lurking, and most importantly, how to prevent myself from getting into these types of situations. I had an image of the life I wanted to have when I would stop gambling, and now I am building discipline and changing my mental habits to move toward that image. The metaphor I have now, though it might be trash, is this: I'm riding up a hill on my bike. I've done my job by checking if my bike is okay, fixing the handlebar and the brakes, and inflating the wheels. But as soon as I stop pedaling, I will will quickly stop riding.

Last week, I got the idea to try breaking down my current state of life by asking questions and writing down everything that comes to mind, then deriving some insights and practical tools that I can use regularly. I have a file with 70k characters already. I haven't finished yet, but I can already say that this practice is helping me to structure things.

I asked different sorts of questions like "what's preventing me from being consistent in studying?", "what virtues can I cultivate?", "what flaws prevent me from living a normal life?", "what things can I do in just one day that would be very beneficial for a long time?" and "what search queries can I google to improve my everyday life a little bit?" I also broke down every question into categories like "family, career, health, social life, self-development," etc.

So yes, this has been helpful in formulating some things and connecting dots—something I never did before, as I moved pretty reactively. We'll see what the final result of this aim will be.

Lastly, I want to emphasize the past weekend. I wasn't following the Wimbledon tournament much, but both the men's and women's finals had athletes I admire, so I couldn't stand but watch both games and cheer for them. Unfortunately, Jasmine didn't win, but she was close. I caught myself thinking, "If I had bet on her, I would be feeling negative emotions or even hatred." I don't want to be that person anymore.

I love sports, and I believe I have returned to the purity I felt while watching such games before becoming a gambler. I'm thankful for the inspiration and the experience of witnessing moments that will never repeat.

In the men's final, I was cheering for Carlos and am very happy that he continues writing his name into history. Very nice lad.

So yes, last week was good. Hopefully, this week will be alright as well. I'm currently in the stage of overthinking and struggling to build routines and structure my life, but it will get easier soon. Going back to the bicycle metaphor, my legs will become more robust to embrace the work so it will feel casual.

Take care, guys. Reading all the threads but can't find proper words of encouragement for y'all.

To infinity and beyond.

Great to see you still active and winning. Sounds like you've made some really great life improvements and are understanding more about yourself and this addiction. Overthinking things can be taxing on your brain, and some people do this more than others. As long as you are coping in your own way (which you clearly are), you will be fine. Just remember if it gets too active in your head, take a break from that too. Go for a walk, occupy your mind with the mundane. Do some laundry, or hoovering! A relaxed mind can be just as beneficial as a relaxed body.

Keep fighting mate, you're smashing it so far. Stay strong

@h2gk3a76m1 great to check in and see that you are keeping the flame alive.

I love the bicycle metaphor.  I think they key with beating this illness is to keep peddling.  Even if you feel as though you don't need to peddle and can just coast you must keep invested in recovery and keep the spokes turning.

If you don't it is all too easy to fall back into previous patterns of behaviour without even thinking.

Carlos does seem a decent lad.  I was pleased to see him win.  It's reassuring to rediscover the enjoyment in something as simple  as watching other people wack a ball over a net without the experience being sullied by gambling.

It is good that you are working through your gambling experience and getting your thoughts on paper.  I think that often we are great at giving advice to others and see their issues clearly, however we aren't good and doing the same for ourselves.  Getting the experience down on paper or a screen and then reading what we wrote is a good way of looking at ourselves objectively.

I re-read my posts to remind myself of what a mess I got myself into mentally before truly addressing my issues.  

Sometimes you don't need to find the words of encouragement, you just need to show your support by turning up and telling your truth (I just re-read that and want to vom, I sound like a woke crusader.  Hopefully you get what I mean 😂)

@p6z38njbqm Thanks a lot for your suggestions, mate. For sure, I'm trying to responsibly maintain a proper work/relax balance. It may not be super productive, but it's what I can do now to progress towards my goals.

Take care. Let's keep winning our battles. 

@thebean Thanks, mate. It's a great time to reread my story too. I haven't done it for a while, and tbh, I'm a little terrified of doing so. Thankfully, it's not long. By the way, good luck figuring out your bad habit with drinking, you definitely have the edge to overcome it.

Take care.

Day 30: Thank God for going one month gf. Again. From tomorrow, I'll be setting a new record every day. I don't remember how many years it's been since I've had a stretch like this without gambling.

Today, I woke up earlier than usual because I wanted to go to the barbershop. I'm so socially anxious and weird that I'm terrified of going to the barber, but I hadn't done it for a months and my hair got really messy. I couldn't bring myself to go. After that, I helped my uncle with firewood and now I'm exhausted. Considering that I woke up early, I'm happy to realize that I will have a good sleep tonight.

Getting back to how this week went: I found it very hard to progress in my activities, so I made very little progress, if any. Despite adding +5 to my gf counter, I didn't fill this time with much meaning. I didn't finish the practice of breaking down my current state of life on paper to get some insights, as I mentioned in my previous post. I won't overhype it, but I believe finishing and drawing some conclusions can be really beneficial for me, so I have to find the energy to complete this writing.

Now, a little bit about gambling. As I watched the Wimbledon finals, I got more interested in tennis than I used to be. I watched some interviews and highlights on YouTube and some stuff on Twitter.

On Thursday, while scrolling Twitter, a video of Rafa Nadal making some incredible shots on the clay court came up. I thought it was an old video, but after checking, I realized that it's current and Rafa is currently playing at a tournament. Somehow, it woke some sentiment in my mind, and I thought about betting.

Reflecting on my last relapse, I remember abstaining from urges and experiencing very hard withdrawal symptoms (if this term is relevant) for 4-5 days. At the end of it, I couldn't stand it and deposited to end the craving and get some relief. This time, I did not have urges, but one thought, which I believe to be very poisonous, came into my mind: "I did feel good when I was placing a bet and watching my player make a comeback or win easily. I want to live that feeling again. I want to feel good"

Maybe if my blocks were as weak as last time, I would have crumbled and relapsed after a few rounds of negotiation with myself, but thankfully, I learned from my last relapse and strengthened my defenses.

I also think that sentiment hit me because of a common denominator with my last relapse: me getting tired and falling into a few days of being very unenergetic, leading to the thought of betting as a means to bring some color into life. That's a gambler and drug addict mindset.

So despite thinking that I'm recovering and doing well, I'm still very vulnerable. If I hadn't put up blocks, I would have already lost my money. That's discouraging, but that's the reality.

At the end of the day, I did not gamble, and that's my big win.

Take care, guys.

Day 32: New record! I'm writing this post after a heavy lunch, so while lying and digesting, I have some time before I dive into my other routines.

Today is a remarkable day worth noting. I told you I'm debt-free, but gambling did leave some financial consequences I hadn't mentioned. Due to gambling issues last August, I lost money I didn't have, which is why I needed to take on an installment plan of 18 euros per month. Today was the day of my last payment, and now I'm unchained from this story. I'm happy to unchain myself, at least from one of the gambling consequences so far.

Oh, and I finally reread my full thread. Very useful practice, I must say.

Take care, folks. Reread your journals and don't overeat!

Congrats mate, unchained from one part of the story, unfortunately tied to the evil part forever. This is the tipping point now, you’re setting a new record, your free of money worries, now’s the time to really focus so you don’t slip back. I know you won’t, you have some great honesty with yourself and recognise the points where you could be tempted. 

Totally agree about re reading your own story. Shows where you’ve been, where you never want to be, and how much you’ve grown as a non gambler.

Congrats again, stay strong 💪 

@p6z38njbqm Thanks, mate. Even though your "tied to the evil part" sounds harsh, it reflects the current reality, so we need to stay present and determined every single day.

Day 44: Sorry for disappearing. I got sick this week and finally recovered. Proper financial management did all the work for me, so staying gambling-free wasn't hard. While being sick, I messed up a lot of routines I was building, so now I need some time to get back on track.

Somewhere around day 35, I had a small moment of hesitation when I put my cash savings on my card to make a small bank deposit, but I managed to overcome that easily.

Aside from that, last week was spent lying on the couch, recovering from illness, and watching the Olympics and films.

Take care guys.

@h2gk3a76m1 Well done goodfella for resisting those urges!💪👏👏👏👏. Sorry to hear you have been feeling poorly but great that you have had the Olympics to keep you going 👌.

Take care.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Thank you, Pink Lady! I only had one small urge one day, so it wasn't much of a fight, fortunately. Hope you're doing well too. 🖐️ 

@h2gk3a76m1 Thank you. All going well for me on my g.f journey and starting to see the rewards once more for this 👍🙏.

Take care and hope you are feeling much better now.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z Thank you. Of course I’ve read your thread and can’t help but feel a bit of benign envy for your trip. It sounds incredible and well-deserved.

Day 56: I'm excited to add a new post to my thread and happy to see new faces joining this forum, finding ways to overcome gambling addiction, and begin their recovery journeys. These are courageous steps that, unfortunately, most gamblers fail to take. We’ve all been those gamblers at some point—unaware of the problem or too afraid to ask for help. But this time is different.

Over the past week, I’ve been trying to stay organized, following the "one day at a time" philosophy. My daily routines seem better designed, and I’m not burning out after a few days of tackling complex problems. We’ll see how it goes, but for now, I’m satisfied.

I’ve also noticed that I was always the type of guy whose thoughts wandered either to the past or the future. I’m not sure how much gambling contributed to this mindset, but it likely played a role. When you gamble, you’re constantly hoping for a future reward, and if you lose, you’re just looking forward to the next try. Maybe after ten tries, you think you’ll catch a big win. This mindset disconnects you from reality—you stop noticing when your hair is dirty, your room is a mess, your don´t exercise even if your body feels rusty, or even ignore if someone wants to spend time with you. You’re just don´t fully exist here and now.

But in the last few weeks, after recovering from my illness and getting back to some discipline, I have this constant feeling of now. And it feels good, I must admit.

A while ago, I mentioned that I started studying French. I did about 30 minutes on Duolingo, then dropped it and never went back. Recently, I decided to try learning a language again and chose Spanish. I won’t go into depth reasoning my choice, but since I had some French courses in school and know the basics, and because Spanish and French share many similar patterns as Romance languages, the process of learning and decoding Spanish feels much easier. I’ve spent about 10 hours studying so far, and I can barely read and construct basic sentences.

Lastly, I want to talk about my perception of gf time. I’m almost two months in, and since I’m unemployed and only receiving small payments from past projects, proper financial management has made it easy to stay gambling-free until at least the start of September.

Looking ahead, I can say that I’ve almost gone an entire summer without gambling. Unfortunately, I relapsed, which means I couldn’t make it a completely gf summer. I have memories and associations with every season from my gambling days—how I bet on certain tournaments every year, won during the US Open, lost everything in October, and gambled on the group stage of UCL and UEL during those cold obnoxious November evenings. I believe, that getting past this months, and seasons gambling-free is a massive accomplishment and detachment from gambling life.

Alright, that’s it. Thanks for reading. I started publishing rarely, but after some time I will get back to some fixed frequency. For now, I’m focusing on myself, building discipline, and expanding my life experiences. Most threads start by focusing on experience of overcoming the consequences of gambling, and over time, they transition into something more optimistic, sometimes become less frequent. I want to keep my thread alive, at least until I’m ready to move on to the next stage in my life.

Good to see you back mate. Looks like you are keeping yourself busy. I keep trying to learn a language but give up too easily. 

Totally agree about gambling always looking for an unattainable future. The only time we looked to the past was after we lost everything. Very rarely was there time in the moment when we came to our senses. Luckily when gambling is not your main focus anymore you have plenty time for the here and now. Makes a nice change!

Keep up the good work bud.

Stay strong 💪