In a way, I have been waiting for months for the day when I would finally return to this forum. The way I approached my life during more than three months of abstaining from gambling and the way I felt were truly something to be proud of. And most importantly, I made myself believe that I could do this, that I could overcome addiction and build my life without gambling. My major regret is that I lacked the courage, decency, and discipline to continue walking that path of recovery, and I slipped.
I drained my credit card, lost my savings, didn't re-enroll at university: I literally ruined everything I built last year. I am a liar. I am lazy. I am a failure. I am deeply ashamed that at 24, this is who I am.
I was desperately trying to escape this debt through gambling, and as it always goes, you only stop when you are trapped in a corner. I am profoundly ashamed of myself. The amount of stress I endured in recent months has seriously impacted my health. The only thing keeping me alive is the understanding that I can change, and if I commit myself to moving towards the light, I won't be so miserable forever.
This moment, when you are cornered, is very daunting because you either continue lying and hiding, increasing the weight of the problem, or you find the courage to face reality and humiliate yourself. It genuinely feels like the end of the world, even though it isn't. If there were a way, I would really like to chat with some of my older fellows from this forum for advice.
I don't want to involve my family; I have no one but my parents to ask for help, but I am afraid it will completely destroy the trust we have. I will do my best to handle the situation on my own. Carrying this burden on my shoulders without support is too hard. I am very tired. I rationalize not involving my family as protecting them, though I think it's more for myself and my ego. The truth lies somewhere in between. But I want to live; I don't want to let anyone down. I will need some time to recover emotionally because right now, I am at rock bottom.
The next week is crucial. I hope the bank approves my request to restructure the installment plan, because it's hitting me hard. There are only two payments left, but I can't afford them in combination with paying off the credit card. If they approve it, and if I don't gamble, I can manage the situation financially. If not, I will need to sell something, the last thing in the world I want to do. And considering how things have gone in recent months, I don't believe I'll be lucky enough for the bank to restructure my debt into more, smaller payments. It feels like life continues to be sadistic.
It's truly strange how much gambling makes me question my worldview. Generally, I lean towards an atheistic perspective, but the things that happened to me when I gambled were overwhelming. When I decide it's time to quit, because winning seems impossible, I get some big wins, as if the game is telling me I can win. When I desperately need a win, am very close to it, and hope to get out of the game, some miracle happens, and I lose. I calculated that the probability of the events that happened today, when I lost my last money, was 1 removed link These thoughts are very dangerous. If the world is against me and whatever I do puts me in a worse position, then what's the point of continuing?
Well, this week of waiting for the bank's decision will be very tough mentally. I have a lot of work to do: I need to complete my CV and portfolio to start applying for jobs. I will apply for jobs in another country, so I am studying the language. Hopefully, my language level will be good enough to speak it in an interview. My parents have agreed to pay for my move. I hope everything will be alright. I have blocked my gambling account. I will set up all the blocks right now. And of course, every day I will write small posts here. I don't have much energy to show a lot of activity, but I have to commit.
I will need counseling because I am in a very low mental state. And a lot of courage and a lot of work, so drop by drop, I will squeeze the gambler out of myself. Hopefully, I will get out of this hell. Today was day 0. 🤬 🤬Â
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