There is hope for a better tomorrow

Hi Julie,

Hope you're having a nice weekend. Hope this work thing hasn't got you down too much.

Great to see you are happy Julie and you have a wedding to look forward to. Just a few hours away from double figures. How does that feel?

I reach for your diary everyday along with a couple of others I seem to relate to. It's a hard journey but it feels like I'm not doing it alone with yourself and others going through it as well.

All the best tomorrow. I hope your email from a few days ago doesn't provide any negative thoughts or actions.

Always here to talk if you need it.

X

10 Day GF tomorrow

Just a short post as I want to finish reading the Sunday Times, which I invested £2.50 in, and don't feel guilty about whatsoever.. Start of a new week. New uniform ready for tomorrow. Mentally preapered for the week ahead. Have spent a bit of time replying to people's diaries and a bit of time in chat tonight..

New Day tomorrow, new week ahead.

Julie x

Hey Julie I just read your diary, and it brought tears to my eyes on more than one occasion!! You've had a really tough time of it, but you have started your GF journey again and this time you NEED to keep going!! You're doing really well and you will feel so proud of yourself.. Reach 50 days and more this time.. and love yourself too.

I understand when you said you felt guilty about being on here, I feel embarrassed about it, but I also feel so much better for it.
Hope you're okay, stay positive!!!

Day 10,

Can I just say, that I have found very little to laugh about recently. This Gambling mess, my brother, stuff going on at work, money worries...etc. Tonight I cried tears of genuine laughter, and nearly fell off the bed. In looking for some extra support, myself and another few culprits, swanned over to GA to the chatroom. Well o*g...The laugh. Now I have never and will never laugh at anough one else's mis-fortune, can I just say that now. But it was one of the funniest experiences of my life. I realised tonight that Gamcare, has such a great community, and we DO CARE FOR EACH OTHER. Nothing is every perfect, but I really genuinely felt that I was on my journey tonight.

On a side note, and this is my diary, so I can write in it. I think the vast majority of Forum Admin are amazing, really really supportive and really amazing. There was a bit of banter in the chatroom tonight, nothing too extreme, just a bit of banter, and the probably lovely gentleman that was moderating, got up on his ear a little about it. Now let us be very clear, I am very respectful of all, and never take things too far. But there was no real need for that high and mighty attutude. No one died, we all laughed, move on.

I just also want to say, I sincerely wish our newbies that are begining their journey, all the very best in the world. It is a diffcult road to walk down, but hold hands and we will walk it together.

Need to go to bed now.

Night all.

Julie x

Hi Julie

Yey! Into Double figures!

I hope you enjoyed your 1st day in that new uniform and it was a positive day moving forward. I'm probably too late to catch you before your difficult morning. Breathe, relax and remember you are worth more than the person you are sat in front of especially if they are sprouting verbal diarrhea.

My open night with the wife is next week, i'm not too sure she is coming. I've asked her a few times but i know as yet we do not have childcare arranged. It is awkward it's 2000 - 2200 plus 15 mins travel each way. It will be what it is. Regardless it will not effect me in my new life.

Always here if you need to chat, if you want my number to swap texts i'm sure admin can arrange you get it. Understand if not.

Keep you chin up and keep moving forward. Today you will not gamble!

Dan x

Oh Dan, I would love your number. Nipped home on my dinner. I said when I joined up on here, that I wouldn't let this side of my life enter into the day to day stuff, but I genuinely feel it would be lovely to have your digits for a text here and there through the week. Don't worry I am not one of these needy people, that text twenty times a day...

I got through the morning, I shielded the negativity....I hope your afternoon goes well. Have just been asked by a ward manager to work a shift on his ward on Sunday, great ward, and I get on really well on there. So lovely way to earn some extra cash.

If you send Admin your numer for me, I will send mine when I get home.

Take care

Julie x

Hi Julie Great news about the extra shift, nice to keep other managers happy for extra hours and potential swaps etc.

I've sent an email to admin about number swap, they can't do a number swap but will do email. It's been suggested you email them too and then they have both requests to action.

Have a great day!

Dan x

Hi Dan, I sent them my email for you last night, so hopefully we will get them sent today! We can work on text from there!

Just had posh haircut, what a lovely feeling to spend money on oneself!!

Have a great day everyone! X

Hi Julie, I noticed you pricked your ears when someone mentioned GA was a fellowship. I have been going about 3 weeks now; our group has several women...maybe ratio men to women 3:1. I have found it a humbling experience, such honesty and vulnerability, and the sense of community is amazing. We are encouraged to swap numbers, to reach out to one another for support. There are social events too I gather, though I haven't experienced that yet. Maybe I am fortunate in the group that I have joined, I was really wary the first night...expecting a room full of losers :-0....but I found a room full of winners.

Good chat tonight in the chat room.. I think we both came to the same conclusion that if you can't help yourself then u can't be helped.
Keep up the good fight x

Ah Killie, there are so many things I have in my mind to say...but I sit on my hands sometimes. I will help anyone, and go out of my way to do so. But some have to help themselves first. I don't think everyone comes to Gamcare to be helped. I think some want to stick their bottom lip out, and cry at the injustice of an FOBT TAKING their money. That is fine, and eventually they will realise and come back for help.

Rhoda...I have a fear of going to GA. Can I be very very honest and snotty and tell you why, and I think this is part of my journey. I don't want to sit in a room with needy people, licking their wounds but won't do anything about it. And yes before you think it, "what a snobby cow you must be". Yes I am...I want better things...I went into that chatroom on GA the other night with the others, and it was alien to me, people moaning and talking about high class h*****s, and loosing 2.4 million over 28 years. Am I compulsive gambler, yes, do I have a problem yes, do I want to do something about it ,yes. But my local group for GA is in if I am honest, is not in a great area. I work professionally with people from that area, and I just drew the line and said no And in reality I have the same problem as them...I am a CG. But I have my standards, I believe on reading this back, I will ashamed of it, but your post challenged me to be honest, which I thank you for so so much. Maybe I need to take my snobby nose, and go and sit in a meeting and learn from others....the fear of "being like them is keeping me away" Deep Rhoda, Deep........you are good lady.....I don't open up that easily, I tell people what I want to tell them........The sad thing is, I am not a judging type of person at all. I empathise with people and genuinely try and see where they are coming from...is there anything wrong with me having standards....? My Mam raised me with standards, we lived on the second worst estate at home, but things were different in our house, we cleaned, we had nice clothes (because she worked three jobs to pay off on them), we went regularly to 'the north (Northern Ireland), to shop at Marks and Spencer, the neighbours used to stand out when we carried the bags in from the car...and talk about that posh english one (my mam), we had a comic put by in the newsagents every week, myself and my brother (me The Beano, him, Look in). We always went away on days, these were cheap days, we used to have a car, with a plank of wood holding up the back seat. Mam would pack sandwiches and off we would go to the sea; to the races; walks, the amusements. We were the first ones in our estate to have a computer. People from the estate knocked on to have a look, like they did with TV's in the 50's. What I am saying is, my Mam always had standards, and she always told me never lower them for anyone. I haven't...but in so many ways I have. I was throwing money at a stupid machine for no reason, good hard earned money. She didn't raise me to do that, neither did my Da. I feel disappointed with how things have gone. Will I get over that disappointment, yes. Will it form the basis of the rest of my life, yes it will.

Mmm it has been very cathartic this......it is going to be a hard fought GF day everyday....I am fighting everyday that I get up, I am winning just about....I need to keep winning...

I need to forgive myself.....no one else can do that but me.....

Thank you.

Today, has been interesting...Sent a text this morning of support, that I now wish I had a invisibility cloak to see what was going on in the world. I do believe that you connect with people through many forms....Did some shopping at Tesco, which made me feel less stressed about the weekend....I am worrying about money...it has crept in again slowly....but surely....I feel tired tonight, and ready for a weekend, what will be, will be...

Julie x

I think people come here hoping for a miracle cure still in full addict mode, looking for a way to stop losing rather than stop...I know I did.

I'm confused about the roomful of needy people licking their wounds though...Surely people @ GA are doing something about it? Getting to meetings, not just popping onto GamCare @ 2 in the morning when they've blown a stack like some people here do. I'm very surprised to hear about the GA chat, we are not allowed to mention sums of money @ my meeting! I'm by no means saying GA is the only way & yes, the rooms do differ but ultimately people in them ARE us. My 'standards' enabled me to embark on a gambling career that spanned 3 decades, comparing myself to people around me & thinking I didn't have a problem, don't let yours keep dragging you back!

Your childhood seems to have made you centre of attention, something that comes up often in therapies with people feeling like Johnny big bananas when they are winning...Your job should give you that now! I'm amazed @ what you do but we're so caught up in our material world that the good stuff loses it's flavour & becomes normal, it's not, not everyone could do it & you should be very proud. I think your willingness to push yourself to be open will serve you well on this journey & before forgiveness comes acceptance.

Keep facing your fears head on, progress not perfection - ODAAT

ODDAT, thank you so much for your comments. I have re-reading that this morning, and am pleased I wrote it. It came from a very genuine place. I try and be perfect, but cannot be. We all have flaws. The GA chat shook me a bit to be honest. There didn't seem to be a point to it, and it was just chat about money and high class escorts, which is fine! But I thought it was more than that. Maybe we just arrived on a bad night! Have a great day.

Hi Julie

I'll tell you about my GA meetings to give you an insight you may not know.

Our group is held in one of the miost run down areas in the town, not far away from the worst neighbourhood in town, however it's the only one for several miles without having to go into Manchester City Centre. I was suprised to find i'm one of the closest, some travel 20+ miles, one person gets 3 buses, one a train and a bus. They have tried many groups and this is the one they find most comforatble with.

We have alady who attends, she goes to 4 groups over the 7 day week, she has real problems and demons she is trying to overcome.

When i arrived i got took in to a seperate room and asked a series of questions, simple yes or no answers. if you said yes to so many out of 20 then you had come to the right place. I got 18. I was told to try several different meetings in the area to find one that i feel comfortable in. They are run differently some more formal, some more relaxed.

I then entered the main room and was met with around 10 people. I was greated by all and clapped to the table and told today your process starts. I had to declare, so then came the My name is Dan, i'm a compulsive gambler and my last bet was the 25th Jan 2017.

We use a book to go through, various questions, thoughts, statements and we discuss how we feel about that question and we can question anyones answers. We generally have a good laugh.

The people that come are a mix between manual low paid workers, i know there is an accountant, a company director, a business owner, an airline pilot. A real mix of proffesions, a mix of wages, a mix of debts, a mix of issues. None of that matters as we are all compulsive gamblers.

We take it in turn to make the brews, bring in the buscuits, tidy the chairs and tables away.

I look forward to my meetings and have overcome my own barriers of talking in front of large groups. I didn't want to go i admit that. TV and Films show you a lot of untidy men sat in a circle, my group is nothing like. Its 15+ people sat in a room talking about there problems and how they are overcoming them. Very similar to here except we can physically see the people. I suppose that makes it more real that we have a problem.

I don't think you are a snobby cow as you put it. You are a genuine caring person, we can all see that on here, you seem to have such a caring loving personallity and i often smile at your posts, your positivity and honest posts are great to read

Do what you feel is right, if you go to one, go to it with an open mind, if you don't then thats fine also. This is your recovery.

Dan x