There is hope for a better tomorrow

Oh Julie...that chat was nothing like a GA meeting hon. The ones I go to are structured...people speak through the chair. Though it is in the town people come from about a 40 mile radius. I work in town, but haven't yet seen anyone I know. Yes I do feel nervous about it, in case someone I know walks in, but if they do, they are there with the same 'illness' as me. Am I ashamed of my gambling? Not now, it was/is a symptom of something else, and now I am trying to deal with it. Since I was 14 I have been searching for something, I'm now 56. The need to find 'it' (whatever 'it' may be) has been dulled at times by children, relationships work, anti depressants and gambling, but those layers of armour are being removed. "I try and be perfect" ....oh wow, I could have written that, thing with perfection is that you always end up disappointing yourself and feeling you have failed others. No matter how hard you try, you are not good enough. You say you are worrying about money? Do you have enough to get to pay day? Is it the debt? Hope you are having a good day. My last day off, then working the next three.

Dan, as always thanks for sharing that. I just had this mental picture in my head, and that isn't it. I am going to look around at options, I think I personally need to try GA in some form or another. Even if it is for me to realise where I am with this. Thanks for confirming that I am not snobby, I hate anyone looking down on anyone, I have a saying (borrowed from Lady Karen Brady), never look down on anyone, unless your helping them up. I try and live my life like that. Thanks for taking away the mystery for me.

Rhoda, thanks also for giving a description of your meeting. When we logged into GA the other night, all I could do was laugh at the comedy of it all. I was thinking is this even real. I am glad to know that GA works well. Money, I have enough money, and am not just saying that for bravado. I have a very bad relatiionship with money. The thing that sits on my shoulder and has done since I was a child and old enough to know. There was always a lack of money in our house, we never ever went without, ever. But there was always that feeling of wondering would there be enough. My Mam is the most super amazing, wonderful woman, that would give you the last piece of bread coming out of her mouth. My Dad as well, I don't talk about him as much, although he is my world, but Mam was always the strone one, always made everything all right. She has her struggles everyday, and she deserves better. My Gran, who I didn't speak to had massive problems with money. She never had a penny, and had a very bad relationship with money. She once burnt my Grandad's wage packet (he was a mental health nurse, it is where that comes from), she bullied him and was horrible to him, and from I was early teens and after he died, I never spoke a word to her again. I went to her funeral for my Dad's sake. This fear of money is very real, and I hate having money, yet when I don't have it, it is an issue that takes up a lot of energy. Do you know what I need, a good counsellor. I need to un-pick my life, and stack it all back together.

I feel I have been constantly looking for something. I didn't think I would ever fall in love, I genuinely didn't believe I would, and I remember the evening I did. I walked into the community centre at home, and this wave crashed over me, as I looked into the eyes of my ex girlfriend. I cannot not explain it, but I knew. I crave that again. Have stopped looking for it, I know if it is meant for me, it won't go by me. But that feeling of love and contentment. Previous girlfriends have said I am sometimes cold. It isn't coldness, it is like friendships with me, I have to care for the person as a friend, or it doesn't work. I don't suffer fools easily (including myself). I am like a bleeding dolly mixture me......

Am off back to work....just got a pitt stop....Enjoy your last day of no work Rhoda....

Take care everyone.

Julie

After a horrible day of sobbing of despair at life, I have got in touch and someone will call me about some 1:1 counselling next week. I think I realised I was in deeper yesterday, emotionally I am just in bits. Didn't help with that accident outside work yesterday, a guy came off his bike, who is now dead. Life is very short. I think after battling and battling and exhausting myself, I need to accept the help that there is. I am a great one at directing others, but no self care is accepted in terms of my well-being. Hopefully that will change in the next few weeks. I feel very drained, very tired and very heavy of heart this evening. Am working tomorrow, an extra shift that I managed to grab on Thursday night. Going to go and do some housework, it needs doing and I need to do it.

Julie x

Hi Julie I'm pleased to see that you're taking some of the help that's out there. Counselling may give you answers you didn't even know was in front of you , lots of members speak highly of it

I can imagine your job is extremely stressful so filling the void with extra shifts is probably not the right thing to do. From experience the void should be filled with positives. Things you enjoy. From listening to you in chat we have many similarities. Maybe it's a common trait with us to shut our selves away from the world. But adventure doesn't come to us we have to actively seek it . I guess what I'm saying is you no longer have to be a prisoner to addiction. The only thing holding you back is yourself

X

Hi Julie, sorry it has been such a bad day, but you have done the right thing seeking counselling. Here if I can be of any assistance.

Deano, I need something. I am sat here and I am miserable, I hate myself, and I hate my life right now. I have a headache that hasn't abaited since yesterday. No matter what I take for it, it won't go. I went to the Indian, but couldn't get food. Now what is that all about, I am sat here starving. The job I am doing for the extra money, and that I need to get out of this house. I cannot sit here tomorrow. I will drive myself around the twist. I cannot cry anymore, I am too tired to cry. I don't want this to be one of these emotional journals that people read and think, oh is she going to do something final. No I am not. I see that everyday of the week, and there is a life and I know there is a life. I have had a few days like today, only a few but it is one of those.

Rhoda, thanks for the message, I feel as if I have been ah I dunno, the words won't even come....

Am going to go and take something out of the fridge and cook it...

Hey Julie,

I'm really sorry to read you're going through the wars right now, and, goodness me, I'm not surprised. After what happened this week, and the sadness of your brother's plight, life is really knocking you sideways at the moment.

I really feel for you at this time, and lots of us here really feel for you here; you are really liked and respected Julie 🙂

I'm really glad that you're taking steps to help yourself right now what with the counselling, and writing and chatting here on Gamcare.

We are all with you Julie and thinking of you. And I for one am absolutely delighted about a particular aspect of your life.

An important one, and not to be underestimated.

Something key.

Something that cannot be ignored.

And that is...

... your new haircut has *still* not gone frizzy! Yay! 🙂

Keep strong Julie.

Hi Julie,

I thought I would send you a quick message of support as you give so much to everyone else on here including myself!! My heart goes out to you as life is throwing a lot of challenges your way this week in particular. I also have huge respect for the job you do but I'm sure this also brings added stress at times which can't be easy. I think seeking 1-1 counciling will be a massive benefit to you as that's what I've decided to do through Gamcare & everyone speaks highly of it.

Takecare Julie!! Everyone I'm sure sends their support & best wishes.

Paul

Mixer,

For only the second time today, I smiled. My hair is not frizzy. That is a very important fact. I don't think I could have got through the day with Frizzy hair.

In serious Mixer, thanks for saying that I am liked and respected. I don't feel that way about myself today, so to hear it, is comforting. I have many battle scars my friend, and on days like today, they all come out of the closet!! All of them! I have spent the day, giving out to myself, and calling myself names (who needs anyone to do that, when I am so good at it). I just want change...I want to move forward. As Deano quite rightly says, the only person holding me back is me.

I refuse to give in to anxiety and depression (I don't think I am depressed in fairness), I just want a different life, I am sick of talking myself out of going places, doing things, seeing the world. There is no joy, there is nothing to look forward to. Aged 35 that is very sad. There has to be better than this, I know there is.

I will dust myself off, get some sessions booked in with counselling. I should have done that on Day one, but this is a journey. I have decided I am not going to go to GA. I am too much of a 'helper'. I will end up sitting listening to people in a group, and help them fix their lives, and do nothing about my own issues. That is my escapism. I think because of it, I will make an excellent therapist. But I need to help me now. Life is passing me by. I can see it. I have two friends getting married this year, both civil partnerships. Two very strong and determined women, that I met at their lowest points. I 'mentored' them, was a friend to them, wrote a university application for one, as she has very bad dyslexia. I am going to both weddings with great pride for them. And asking myself the question, why do I need to neglect myself, and put everyone else back together.

This diary is great therapy for me. In fact it is invaluable to me on days like today.

Tomorrow is a new day. I look forward to starting it.

Julie x

That's the spirit Julie 🙂 you truly have everything to look forward to. You have spirit, your heart is most certainly in the right place and you have that X factor that makes you compelling company!

So all to play for 🙂

(And just to add - like you - I'm not into BS; I only write what I believe.)

Just to let you know I'm thinking of you and sending you a cyber hug. Take care xx

Mixer, thank you Mixer...I hope someone gets to appreciate that soon.

LML I love virtual hugs, they are super amazing. So thank you. I hope your doing okay?

Julie

See you've gone through the motions and come out the other side that's called progress

Peace

I'm OK thanks. Just feeling a bit in over my head. I feel like I'm never going to succeed. I know I shouldn't be negative but I cannot lie. Fed up of fighting demons. Not sure how to cope but cope I must. Hoping tomorrow will be one of my better days. x

I have just told my Mam I am going to counselling. That shows I am serious about going and needing to go. I have just eaten a Mars Bar. I am sorry if that is not relevant to the gambling journey, but it was d**n nice. I feel like sleeping now. This is a good thing.

Julie x