TiMe FoR cHaNgE

Hi RB,

Good to see that life is starting to improve.. the work maybe boring and repetitative but it structures your week and will probably help with self-esteem... a steady job for a few months which may lead on to other things.

I can also relate to the generic feelings and watching the world pass by. I lived in london for years.. cities can be very annonymous and lonesome places.. am sure in time you will start to make connections with others as you start to feel better about yourself and in life. I know its hard though.. I still struggle myself to build a social network.

All the best to you and your on-going recovery.. well done on the gambling free time.. S.A 🙂

i cant do this any more. its broken me. i gambled tonight. i try so hard i just cant do it anymore. im so lonely all i want is a real hug and someone to say itll be ok.

what do i do, its too much. i need help

How bout the online counseling service?

It can give a bit of hope when you,re at the end of your rope..I can relate to how you feel but i don't have the answers.

(((virtual hugg goes out to you)))

Good luck and keep us posted.

Hi RB,

If it all feels too overwhelming... it could be an option to get yourself into rehab... have a look at www.gordonhouse.org.uk ... its residential and free as far as i am aware.. it could just be the fresh start you may be looking for.

Take care of yourself.. S.A

hi RB am feeling for you right now, please dont stop coming here though, take this as a big hug from me, your feeling really bad, please please, one day at a time

another night of gambling and i felt so free doing it. my problems are far beyond gambling. i dont care anymore. im one step away from a padded room and i welcome it to get me away from the freedom i have. i dont want it. give me 4 walls with no door and ill be a content man with being alone.

ive never believed in god, but it makes me think what is the point to anything. my life is me and this diary. i have nothing else. what exactly is the point? its a rhetorical question because i know noone has the answer. who am i and what is the point of me? to live a pathetic life of self pity and yearning for the happiness ill never let myself have.

i have a split personality. and the dark side has won. this is it, im at a point where my next decision will determine my life. my problems are beyond gambling. this is the wrong place for me. im so f***** up its unreal. i was an intelligent person 5 years ago, and ive fooled myself into thinking i still am. noy anymore. im an empty shell of what i was and its never coming back. rehab sounds like the place for me. give me a straight jacket and sedate me any day over living another day with the freedom i have.

(((RB)))

Sorry I have limited access to the internet at the moment. Usually I’d be writing some sort of concoction to your posts, trying to come up with a formula that fits you best. And I realise now that I can’t stop you gambling or make you feel better RB. I’ve followed your journey since I joined this forum and you have been through so many highs and lows, more lows than highs and as selfish as this sounds, it pains me that I can’t change that for you. You talk about this ‘freedom’ you have, but what I see is a prisoner. But a prisoner trapped in a world that you hold the key for. You can unlock the misery and despair that entraps you. I don’t have all the answers but I truly believe there is a way out for you. Is this really the ‘freedom’ you strive? I see a person that is stripped of his character because of gambling. Being exposed to the harsh rays of the limelight can feel like a throbbing pain. Just know that there are people that want to help and guide you along the path that we walk every day. Would you consider attending a GA meeting? It may help to meet and talk to people that will understand your addictive self. Generally I don’t recommend something I have no experience in, but good friends assure me that upon crawling into GA they knew that this was the place they felt they truly belonged. I see an intelligent person even if you don’t. You have come so far, some people can’t even admit they have a problem RB. A straight jacket and sedation may cut off your access to gambling but what about what lies beneath your compulsions? You can’t lock these triggers away forever. Continue with counselling. Live life. When I blew out my birthday candles every year, I always wished for happiness for as long as I can remember. No more, no less. But now I know a wish can only come true if you want it enough. Try and allow happiness into your life RB. Keep writing. All the best.

Dee x

RB,

You have certainly had a number of f*** ups along the way. I have as well, so have many on here, but that is no reason to give up hope. No reason at all. As a bright guy , you will work what is best for you ... eventually. It took me longer than your 26 years to fully understand myself and stop. I have only stopped for 26 days but feel I am getting somewhere. At the moment you sound as if you are dwelling alot on the past so to gamble is a present escape. Been there millions of times and returned to gambling but we know it will do us no good. Sorry but I don't have the answers RB just ry to keep your head up and let us know how ur getting on.

Hi Rb,

"rehab sounds like the place for me" ... go for it then.. fresh start! ... oops I seem to have put the phone number in 01384 241292... if you want to stop gambling.. pick up the phone and ask for the forms

Just before i went into rehab.. i imagined similar to you.. men in white coats dishing out tablets in some run down stately home.. its not like that at all.. but rehab can help if you really want to stop gambling and start the process of building a new life.

Gambling to escape the consequnces of the gambling is no fun ive been there. Whatever you do.. remember that there is always a way forward.. no room for self-pity.. now is the time to take action to help yourself.. kind regards.. S.A

P.s The title of your thread is TIME FOR CHANGE ... maybe now is that time.

hi rb, just read back a little of my diary you posted on there a few times and you made me feel so positive, i want to help you now that your down. you have stopped before and you can again. we all have these awlful feelings but they do subside

have been gambling alot this week well into the nights. been struggling to go to work im not making a good impression. i gamble from a new credit card which a bank stupidly gave me. it almost maxed out now.

ive hit the utmost bottom. not just with gambling, but with my life. i have so many conflicting issues i dont know where to start to try and untangle them. i tried counselling and it wasnt working. things like rehab or GA are not going to take my problems away, theyll still be here.

i was up all night yesterday considering taking my life. these feeling have never been so strong. ive had these feelings often but ive only ever really been tempted by it once before. but right now it just seems right if i disappeared into the night. thats actually hard to read back, and i know ill get some comments a la "dont do it" etc etc but this is how i feel and my diary is my only friend and i have to tell it how it is.

someone called me today, an old friend who i havent seen or spoken to in over a year. i saw his name come up on my phone and i had a strange feeling. i dont know what it was. i was too scared to answer. after all the reason why we stopped talking was because of all my lying and generally avoiding him. if he saw the state of me now i dont know what he'd think. i borrowed money off him too. only a small amout. but i suspect hes calling to have it back after all this time.

i dont want help anymore. i just want to be me. but i dont know who that is. i just want to be left alone. its getting to that summer time when people are out in the evening having fun. i wish i was them. but i just want to be alone. i will never be a happy person.

Hi RB

These things only work if you give them a try. Counselling will only work if you want it to. Your future is in your hands as you are already aware. You've experienced the good times o my only advice is to get back to counselling or whateer worked before and start speaking openly and honestly to someone you wholeheartedly trust. It won't be as bad as you imagine. Take care and start thinking positively. You can get yourself out of this and become a better person for the experience.

Regards

Steve E

Hi rb

I know you don't want to hear people say things along the lines of - Don't do it -

I won't, because it is a desicion only you can make.

But what I would like to point out to is the fact that there will be people out there who do care what happens to you and who will have a tough time dealing with the fact that you have killed yourself.

And - yes - I am speaking from personal experience. In October 2000 I gave my brother my blessing to commit suicide and it is something I have had to live with ever since and will have to for the rest of my life. HE killed himself on the 22/10/2000 .

And believe me when I say it is the most horrible feeling to be carrying around

with me.

So - you go ahead and be as selfish as he was - finish it so you don't have to carry on living in the misery of your own making.

When I hear people talk about being at rock bottom and not wanting to live anymore....all I want to do is shout at them....think of those you leave behind, those who love you unconditionally....

Can you honestly say that there will be no-one who will tell themselves...what if...or if only I had done....or said...to RB.

Think about that and then decide if it is worht living or if it is worth dying... I know what I would choose every time...and what I did choose...because there is no way I am ever going to put anyone through what my brother has put me and my whole family through and his friends.

I am your friend RB and I will pray for you (((RB)))

God Bless

Charly

Hi RB,

Rehab and/or GA wont take your problems away but they will help you to confront them and deal with them and cope with them and come to terms with the things that you cannot change.

I made an attempt to kill myself several years ago, ended up in casualty having my wrists stitched back together... so i have some understanding of where you are at. I can relate to your mind set and its that mindset that ultimately needs addressing... with support.

While you continue to have the mind set that in my opinion amounts to "nobody cares about me.. so sod everyone.. I will do what i like" then your life will continue to get worse. The choice is yours. You can start to turn your life around at any point.. but it has to come from you.. the hard work that is your recovery. Just like the hard work that is my recovery. All the best S.A

Hi Rb,

My own thoughts echo charlies so theres not much else i can say really, except that perhaps your friend maybe just reaching out to you to heal the rift between you?

Life doesnt come with a dress rehearsal RB.... a cliche i know but it IS what you make it.

Kim xxx

I Am Someone

by Annastasia Aressia

I am someone

I walked past a dead face

even though the person was alive

I saw my eyes in the mirror

and cried at the sight

I looked at a person I didn¹t know

and I met a friend

I got heads to turn

when I walked past

I learned a lot about myself

when I lost a new friend

I cried every tear in my body

when I thought about love

I got hit bad

then got back in the ring

I climbed a mountain of rocks

and saw an eagle fly over- head

I heard terrible things about myself

when no one thought I was listening

I realized I was strong

when I didn¹t cry when it hurt

I found out who I was

when I was with someone else

I thought I was lost forever

when a friend found me

I held a life in my hand

and it was my own

I was a pawn in someone else's game

so I surrendered to a brook

I walked the fine line between surviving

and not wanting to survive

I still am

I am someone