TiMe FoR cHaNgE

07/07/06

hmmmmmm....not sure how i feel today. Been a strange week. Im tired, frustrated, angry, a little happy, and a bit more tired....but thinking of where i was last week this time...i can live with it!

So work goes on....nothing new there. Next week i have £1350 coming out of my account which i cant stop. Ive already maxed my overdraft which means a hefty fine when it bounces back! But you know what I deserve it. I can live with it. So what - its only money right?

Thinking of poker makes me sick...i spit in the face of poker.....ive never been so disgusted by it before, probably as ive finally realised this isnt what i want to do for the rest of my life.

Weekend will be difficult. No cash, not much food, but the footies on so at least can enjoy that on Sunday.

Thanks for everyone who added me to MSN, please note Andrews point about others outside this forum contacting you.

Will post again later, have alot to write but need to find food first!

AJ

AJ,Thinking of poker makes me sick...i spit in the face of poker.....ive never been so disgusted by it before, probably as ive finally realised this isnt what i want to do for the rest of my life.

I feel the same way about slot machines. I want a life without deceit,debts,time wasted.

It really is time to think back to what we did before we started.

Its only when reality sinks in and the bills have to be paid that it fully hits us. But when I think back to the 3k at least I have spent since christmas on machines, it can only start to get better if we dont continue.

You slipped like me and it is a struggle but we know we dont like the feelings inside, so we can beat this and WILL. I am changing my user name to Strongwilled as someone suggested. cheers and wishes Joy

well done to you both , aj make sure you channel/use that anger i bloody hate the betting shops and am sure to physically look at them and tell myself i hate them when i pass one .i think once you get a run of a month or so under yor belt youll see a difference in yorself and your life and there will be no comparism . guard up mate all the best john.

like the 'its only money phrase' mate and your right. Your here and healthy and thats what matters. Money can come and go but you'll be here for a long time.... nice spirit mate

08/07/06

Thanks for the posts all.

Had a strange dream last night. I had been recovering for a few months - realised I had money in the bank, and an oppertunity to win some money back.....it seems all too real and I can see myself doing this down the line. Just hit me how difficult this is going to be.

Going out to some family gathering this aftenoon, but its going to bug me all day.

Will post when I get back

AJ

think many of us have had disturbing dreams from time to time, and often they can complety unsettle us adn throw us off track.

the trick is to realise that part of your subconscious mind is telling you that gambling is ok, and that gambling is your fun in life and it is tempting you to go back and have another wee shot.

but you are smarter than your subconscious mind, and your conscious mind has control over your thoughts and actions

hang in there AJ, you are doing just fine

What will happen when I have money in my account? I wont experience this until end of the month - but last time I did i slipped in a huge way. Its concerning to think a year I ago i had lost 20k and laughed when i said i would never get to a position where i lost almost 50k

here I am a year later 83k down.....stack of debts and no one knows. How is this possible?! I can recover financially, but mentally im not so sure...

I dont think the urge will ever go away. Ive noticed I have a hard time talking to others now, my anxiety levels are at an all time high, my heart beats so hard most the time for no reason, and stringing a sentence together at work is literally becoming impossible. I was in a meeting last week and had to stop half way through a sentence as the lump feeling in my throat took over. I had to leave the room, which caused alot of concern with others.

I used to talk alot. just random things. I cant do that any more. I sit around with a straight - dare i say it - poker face. I dont know what to say to others, and dont really want to talk to others. I was always a bit of a miserable bast*rd, but now id prefer to sit in a dark room then go outside and enjoy the sun.

I want my life back. I want A life! I miss not having a girlfriend, I miss not going out with friends, I miss being able to just talk.

Now that Im not playing poker, I have alot of time to just think. Think about what i had, think about what i have, and whats harder is to think about what I want.

I guess im in a phase of just reviewing and reassessing my life. Not sure where i really want to be right now.

AJ

Hi Aj, I think you are getting more scared as it gets closer to your payday. As you say you can recover financially but only if you stay strong.

Write down goals for the first three days including payday and stick to them. Its when we are left in a quandry and that money is burning a hole in our pocket, that we start to think we can afford to have a little "gamble" but I know from experience, as soon as we either sign on to a site or put a coin in a machine all the old rush comes back and we are lost.

Just read your first postings and remember how you felt.

I went through the unsociable feelings too. Like when I went to skittles last week, was going to leave early as was bored. Normally would have chatted away ten to the dozen, so have some ideal of what you mean. But over last few days have been back to myself.

Without goals I do admit to being useless and thats when I am at my most weakess. Try not to focus too much on payday now as you are putting pressure on yourself, but be ready when it comes, organise something to do.

You can get through this and achieve what we all want, to live life without these horrible gutty feelings and urges. We did once before so surely we can again? Joy

Thanks Joy,

I like your quote:

You can get through this and achieve what we all want, to live life without these horrible gutty feelings and urges. We did once before so surely we can again?

payday is scaring me, even though i wont have a lot after paying some towards debts, its still a scary prospect considering i i have lost all my pay for the last 6 months on the first of every month.

But - I once had money and will have it again! I wont gamble it next month!

I havent wrote about this yet, but i owe two of my very close family members £3200. they are expecting it back in February 07. If i start putting money away next month, i can still give it to them in Feb. But i dont trust myself with anytype of savings account, and theres no way I can build up that kind of money in my own account without spending it. I need a plan....I could with draw it, then at least i cant deposit it if i have a moment of madness. Knowing the 'gamblng AJ' id probably try to deposit the notes through the cd drive..........

Think withdrawing it is the best idea i cant be trusted with accounts

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh facing my debts makes me sick! but has to be done

Hi, AJ, just a thought, what about asking for a cheque to be made out each month at your bank to the person you owe money to? you cant do anything with it as it will be made out to that person. Or purchase postal orders again made out to the person. Or set up a direct debit straight into their accounts. Just a few ideas to consider.

Having cash could be risky. Time and again I have thought I was strong enough to have it.And time and again I have proved I cannot be trusted.

Be strong and enjoy rest of weekend. Joy

09/07/06

Good suggestions Joy, might do that, thanks.

Was up all last night just thinking. I cant just work work and work for the next 2 years just paying off debts, thats not me, i have to be doing something. My weakness is patience, everything has be now. Always thinking about what im going to do with the rest of my life, having a family, running my own business and just being happy.

Work is the biggest factor in my life at the moment - Im now living to work. I wish I could quit, set something up myself and be my own boss (doesn't everyone?!). Ive got 2 years, enough time to put together a business plan, work out the costs and then start saving to set it up.

Nice idea - only a dream at the minute, but hey it could happen!

Back to reality......still feeling down, but on the upside tennis and footie finals are on today.....and its almost a week since i didnt gamble.

Ive recently been reading some harsh comments from some users to others, I dont thiink it called for but please lets remember why we are all here?

AJ

Ive recently been reading some harsh comments from some users to others, I dont thiink it called for but please lets remember why we are all here?

Quite right AJ. Believe me if I felt I had a choice I would be on msn chatting to my mates about fashion,films,hunky actors etcetcetc. And the only reason I am on here is because I have acknowledged I have a problem shared by others on here. Therefore I know they will understand what I am going through.

And No, you cant work work just paying off debts, sure way to head back to gambling. Take it slowly and you will get there. Patience is a virtue as they say!!!but nothing wrong with thinking about the rest of your life and making plans. good on you Joy x

good to chat aj with you tonighht

hang on in there and believe it gets easier day by day because it does ure doing fine and were with you all the way

kevin

10/07/06

Its been a week again. Still feeling mixed emotions, highs, lows, depressed, a little happy at times.......i dont know.

Good chatting to Kevin, going to hold you to staying clean until your b'day (alot longer i hope!).

Not impressed with the footie result. France deserved it, Zidane is still a legend, awesome headbutt 2 😉

Anyway, off home from work now, yummy milk and cookies awaits.......not out of choice I asure you!

Hope everyones well

AJ