Time to change

Everything is going okay. I'm keeping myself busy and gradually bringing up the gamble free day counter. Nearly 2 weeks

Focus on your goal. Don't look in any direction but ahead

Nearly 2 weeks, great stuff!! Hang on in there, like you say you're going the right way. Take care S:)

I've hit 2 weeks and the past seems like a bad dream. I'm trying to come to terms with myself as a person and why I am how I am. There are so many niggling traits that drive me up the wall. I just can't seem to overcome them. A lot of them fall into the category of organisation. My life is so chaotic, everything that has to be done is completed last minute in a frenzy. My will power is atrocious, my work ethic is no existent and parts of my mind seem to be missing. I know it's not healthy to slate yourself but I just need to get it off of my chest.

My friend is always commenting about how I’m looking for some perfect future, I’m always stating that I'm 'on my way' or ‘on the right path.’ The way or the path to what. Where is that magical there, when will I ever get there. It doesn't f-u-k-ing exist. We only have now and it seems I am forever trying to escape it. I'm always trying to put off the present, waiting for a special day when everything will just fall into place. There is no place for anything to fall into!! I know it seems like I’m taking in riddles but that just seems to be the flow of my life.

Life is really simple but we insist on making it complicated

Hi, thanks for posting on my diary 🙂 I can relate muchly to your last post... someone reminded me that I graduated 20 years ago thus month and I feel I have sone literally jack all in that time!! But actually I think we are all being too hard on ourselves, no one is perfect and everyone is different. Also people who seem to have ideal lives often are not as happy as they seem for whatever reason. So focus on looking after yourself, take one day at a time and as long as your not gambling yiu're a winner. I guess there is no easy solution just tine and effort my friend, I'm with you all the way here, Take care and have a chilled GF evening S 🙂

Thanks for your post Westsider.

Flicking through your diary I can certainly see similarities - when does hedonism become escapism? Dunno but there's a pretty fine line.

Couple of thoughts. Obviously I will encourage you to delve deep. Addiction definitely does not happen in a vaccum. So it's not like if you 'just stop' gambling, then you are going to have the wider transformation which you seem to desire. You'll just stop gambling, which is fine. But if you can actually go a bit deeper and address the underlying, then you an actually come out of this in a genuinely stronger position, and even look back on the addiction without the same sadness or regret.

You mentioned 'generous, empathic and social' as your values. They sound great. Maybe there's a 'gap' between your values and how you are leading your life - a 'values gap'. This gap can cause pain as you're not living up to who you want to be (deep down). Certainly was with me. I liked to think I WAS my values - but for various reasons wasn't acting out my values.

For me, the bottom line is that to have greater contedness and a richer life, I need to consciously live life according to my (and no one else's) values.

I know a lot of people will recognise that fear of rejection/acceptance is an underlying driver behind escapism/addiction. I wouldn't be suprised if this is behind a very large proportion of addiction, in fact. Maybe I'm projecting my own situation to readily, but I 'sense' this is a key issue (and heightened acceptance/rejection fears are an innately human characteristic - which served a purpose once a upon a time).

Hope you find your way.

Louis

Still gamble free. More determined than ever not to go back.

I'm enjoying the Sunshine and thankful for what I have & where I am.

When asked if my cup is half full or half empty, my only response is that i'm thankful I have a cup.

It's been more than 3 weeks since my relapse and the dust seems to be settling. In the height of red mist everything seems so rushed and desperate. It’s like there is no future. Everything comes down to now. Win or lose, sink or swim. Life doesn't have to be like that!

In my head lots of situations become extreme. I am constantly worried that I’m being judged care too much about what other people think of me, even though I’ve always been known to be a little crazy. I definitely care too much about what my family think. I’m scared of failure and hate to lose.

I'm trying to be honest about how I’m feeling and communicating better with other people but it’s hard when you’re used to keeping things bottled up inside your head.

I’ve had thoughts about gambling today but came on here to calm things down and it’s worked. I've come to the conclusion that I’m never going to be an avid everyday poster, it just doesn't fit with who I am. But as long as I come on here when temptation arises and refrain from gambling I'm fighting a winning battle.

I've made it past the first month. Things feeling a little more stable again. I haven't really thought about gambling much in the last week. I'm keeping myself busy as the days fly by. I'm trying to be better with my money, but it's hard when your life has been full of reckless expenditure. I've found myself getting addicted to a 90s computer game (red alert) I saw it on a feed and have zoned into it the last week or so. I seem to be smoking a lot as well. I bought my first packet of tobacco in 4 years after my last loss. I guess a smoker is always a smoker when the chips are down. I'm going to give up after the summer. I've been enjoying the Sun, dreaming of a day when I’ll no longer need to work. This can definitely not be achieved through gambling

Never give up, for that is just the place and time that the tide will turn,.

I haven't logged in on here for a while, which is both a good and bad thing. I'm approaching 50 days gamble free now and have settled into my abstinence regime. I still get the odd thought of gambling but they are mostly about how stupid I've been and how out of control I could be capable of getting. I have a busy life at the moment & I like it that way. I'm lazy by heart but having things to do makes me happy. I have been training for another job to boost my income & have a payment plan to address my debt. I will try to visit here more often. A target of once a week is manageable, it can always be more than that.

I think a lot of my problems have stemmed from having an over inflated idea of what I can achieve. Yes anything is possible but I move slower than most and I need realistic targets, which can be completed on a regular basis, before I start striving for more.

I may not be there yet, but im closer than I was yesterday