Time to start mine

Hi Freddie,

Welcome aboard

Thanks for sharing your story and being 9 days in and feeling stronger and calmer is a fantastic evening start to your diary.

Well done

Best wishes

Suzanne xx

Hi Freddie

Welcome to the site it really is the place to be if we wanna crack this thing. Thanks for your post on my diary and a big well done passing your test with flying colours.

Dear Diary....it's now Friday afternoon....it's almost the end of the working week, and I have, or am hopefully about to fulfull a wish that I have had for so very long that I can't quite remember....I want to end the week feeling 'honest'. I am almost there. Tomorrow will hopefully be day 10...double digits...big number for me. A whole Monday to Friday without playing...getting over the usual Monstrous Monday and Teriffying Tuesday's disappearing acts of self destruction was great this week....I can do this. I have made the right choices and moves this week....remember how I made it easier for myself this week by saying no?? Look how I feel now....yes, I feel slighly smug...but be careful of that, that's not how I want be. Remember the gut churning sickness that I have had for so long....keep remembering this horrendous feeling...for now it's my friend. The danger will present itself when this abates....I don't want this to go just yet.......it's way too early for me.

I have read so much on this forum this week that has been so helpful to me, from everyone else's honesty , thoughts, suggestions and comments. I have gained that extra bit of strength.....I am seeing and feeling the start of hope...of belief and of some positivity. This is good...it's really good. I so do not want to slip at all...it will not be good for me. It will be too hard for me to start again. Look what you have achieved so far....even for the 9 days to date.

I am going to turn off my computer now...it's time to leave....and I will also 'accidentally' leave my cards here...again...I have 30 quid to go down the pub and have a couple of beers.......I wouldn't mind waking up tomorrow with a slight alcoholic hangover on it's own.....forget the gambler's hangover.....it's way worse.......If you read this...please have a great weekend doing what is healthy and best for you..

woke up this morning with a slight alcoholic hangover.......just as planned.......this little hangover feels so nice on it's own....without the gamblers hangover to go with it.........I have made day 10!!!! YAYYYY!!! Next goal is 14 days....that's all I want to get to right now.....that would be TWO WHOLE WEEKS.....Give yourself a pat on the back for that....for getting to this point.

I left my cards at work again yesterday and went to the pub as planned..with 30 quid.......my most important plan at this stage is to re wire my brain....to disassociate alcohol/drinking with gambling, (which I have been working on the last 10 days)....as they are way too lethal together and has been a major contributing factor to my downfall. I met with some friends and had such a lovely time....I really, REALLY enjoyed myself...had probably 2-3 beers more than planned.....but I'll forgive myself this as it was so much fun........and the whole time, laughing, and not once did I think about slipping out the pub, or disappearing, as before, to play......it didn't enter my heads once in the whole evening......wasn't that great????

Why did I have a good time? Because I made myself....I FORCED myself to do this...left the cards at work....limited funds....and I CHOSE not to put myself in a vulnerable position...........I also made an opportunity to get out and have a good time....again...MY choice.......Don't put yourself in that position again where you can enter that awfulness...that oh so very painful and destructive place you don't want to be......you did it this time.....you can do it again and again.....keep focused and centred.....

I also woke up with notes in my pocket too.....how weird and wonderful is that???? Money in my pocket the next day.....felt so good....I think I must have have been a real meany last night in buying drinks.....it wasn't that though......it was the fact that I think my friends were happy that I stayed....the whole evening with them......that drinks just kept getting racked up somehow....or maybe it's been so long that I stayed the whole evening that I forgot the etiquette of contributing to the rounds....that's ok....I can work on that next time....but I won't be beating myself up about that either.......I LOVE......LOVE how I am feeling so far today.....I acheived my first 'honest' working week.......now I have to concentrate on the next one.....come on, see if you can do two.....I think right now that I can..........

On the bus home.....looked out of the window....just at that point where there was a bookies....it was closed.....YYAYYY...I really smiled within because I knew at that point I'd really done what I set out to achieve this week....I did it...I can do this again....it is down to ME to NOT put myself in these vulnerable positions again.....looking forward to tomorrow...day 11...

“The pieces I am, she gather them and gave them back to me in all the right order.”
—Toni Morrison, Beloved

Well done Freddie, amazing how you start to enjoy the things we've been missing out on these years. Heres to a happier future!

Thanks Tears........I am so concentrating very hard indeed to re wire the brain....change the thinking patterns....so far it is working. I don't want to set to high a goal....I haven't set any really....just so happy to get to day 10, now hoping to get to 14 days...two whole weeks.....

As you say, start to enjoy things....yes, I really enjoyed last night.....maybe even better than whenever I had a win to be honest. It's because it felt like an honest night of sheer friendly fun and laughs...which I have been denying myself..I think I forgot what this type of fun was like.....daft...

I have been so good this week by being sensible in my mindset.....the main things this week were not putting myself in these vulnerable positions....it has worked so far and I hope it will continue.......because the joy I am feeling today has been worth it....I am so looking into how to change my mindset....I have found things that are working for me....started slowly, but surely....and am building on it......with those last notes from this morning I have bought both breakfast and now my lunch......:)

Look into what maybe you can do also to avoid these positions....start small and stay positive...

Hi Freddie,

Slowly but surely is the way forward, and you are doing just that.

Well done on 10 days, stay strong and positive and keep moving forwards and keep winning.

Suzanne xx

Morning Freddie

Just wanted to say a big thanks for your support yesterday,I wish you well in your recovery and that someday I maybe able to support you in the same way(not wishing any relapses on you) there is strength in numbers.

In appreciation Dino

Thanks for comments and support Suzanne......glad to be of some help Dino....

Day 11.....not one single urge yesterday......good...really good.....determination is rising....

Realisation of upcoming bills to pay.....huge tax bill end of Jan...tax money I have blown that I guess wasn't mine. I have 6-7 weeks to deal with this. I may not be able to meet this....but if I continue not playing between now and then, this will help an awful lot. If I also stop between now and then, I will feel stronger and calmer, like I am now, to be able to manage it with a clear head....with sense...I will be able to face it and I don't want to face it with, 'if only I had stopped then'. I want to face with....'Ok, it's big.....could have been much bigger and worse if I hadn't stopped' I will of course by that time, saved a chunk to help paying it off.

Positives. Day 11....today I am going to pay off one debt in full....I have calculated that this is about the same amount I have saved....or rather, not gambled, it is now my money...for a few hours at least. Then it will be gone. But it will be gone to the right place this time. It will feel good to pay.

Makes me realise some of the past events.....remember when you you were lucky enough to go home with a wad of money? Only because the shop was shutting though....get home.....nice. Next day all gone again...get home and then seeing the bills that got delivered that morning....'Why didn't they come yesterday? I could have paid then them...!!' Yeah right. Those bills never arrive on those few occasions you had money.....they always arrived when you got home after self destruction....just to make you feel even worse.....that's how goes.....same pattern...EVERY TIME.....you know this. How that feeling just consumes you...the guilt...the panic.....the utter frustration and self hatred. If only, if only........I don't want more ..if only's

I am at work today.....and I plan to take 30-40 quid out, pay my weekly pass and get home. I am facing my Monstrous Monday and Terrifying Tuesday...my days of disappearing and of self destruction. So I will do the reverse of what I have done this week. I will have have enough cash for tomorrow and Tuesday and will leave my cards at home this time. The cash machine is opposite work.....yep....right next door to the bookies......it is literally a 20 second walk for me. This week I have been to the ATM twice...each time..30-40....I can't quite believe I have managed to do this. I have managed it this week...I can do this again. Twice only for a total less than 100.....in a week....unheard of for me......but I did it.

Looking forward to day 12. Uneasy about tomorrow.....leave cards at home and I take away the vulnerable position I put myself in. It's that journey home with cards in the pocket that makes me feel vulnerable. They itch. I haven't let them do that so far.....I can continue to do that. I will do that.....

Thanks NT...yes, they have their tricks.....but right now...I have mine....

Just paid over 1000 on the debt I said I would clear this morning.......just paid it....money gone....but gone to the right people this time.....it feels GREAT.....REALLY $%£((^^% GREAT!!!!!!! I paid it......that will be one less to worry about later....or in the morning on waking up......That is one done.......focus on day 12...you can do this.....and in another 12 days....I may be be able to pay another.....they will become less....of course it's going to be tough....but I AM taking action NOW...and it is making ME feel that little bit better.......lots of 'little bit betters' will build into 'BIG bit betters!!'

Time for two beers and two beers only.......then I will stop....because this is how I am re wiring my brain. I am feeling stronger that little bit more........then I will go home. Look at you....you are beginning to achieve the first steps that you set out to do....keep remembering that feeling of stomach churning sickness and self hate and disgust.....don't you EVER forget what that is like........enjoy your beer.....you have deserved this....but no more than the two you have allowed yourself for.. for today...think how you will feel in the morning if you just do this......you will feel so proud and much happier......there'll be one less debt......that'll be a start to lifting the weight......keep focused.......

ok...so I had the three beers instead of the two I said you could have......big deal.......wasn't six or seven then dangerzone..you stopped.......I stopped when I knew when to stop......positive

Day 12........feel a little sad at reading other peoples entries......feel sad for us.....a reminder of the pain....

Another day gamble free......small urges.....but I am stronger than this........it's my Monstrous Monday.......

I woke up this morning feeling good....I paid one debt yesterday......that was another positive.......ONE debt less.....it's a start....remember how much better that made me feel this morning........you are approaching two weeks.......it's a real achievement....keep going.......push on...........

Remember how much you want to be able to NOT fear the phone calls......collecting the post.......and being jittery.....it will get easier.........get through today........PLEEEEASEE................YOU ARE DOING SOOO WELL......

Hi Freddie

Stay strong you know you cannot win because you cannot stop, like all of us on here,

12 days you are nearly 2 whole weeks well done, starve it and win just for today,

Take care and stay safe

Suzanne xx

I want to cry....the urges are too strong...........I feel like my plan is failing..................I feel so weak.......I feel a fraud.........I must perservere...........one too many beers.....fookkkk you addiction........go away..............fooookkk you Monstrous Monday....f*****k ooooffffffff........you are such a koooont..............FFFOOOKKK YOUOUOUOUOUOUOU

Hi Freddie

I think these urges are to be expected - having gotten over a few other addictions (smoking and a bad man lol) they are all part of the rollercoaster. They do pass, just ride it out. I dont want to sound flippant and I know my bad days will come, but reward yourself in little ways. I always found that a long soak in the bath usually dispelled the urge to smoke/call the man, but hey, that could just be a 'woman' thing. I wrote on a particular forum everytime I felt like c**P, I walked the dog, I phoned a mate - anything to pass the half an hour or so until things calmed again.

You are doing so well, look at what you have achieved and what you will continue to achieve. I can hear the self respect you have for yourself in your words, the proudness of what you are doing...keep going, be strong and be good to yourself.