Time to start my diary ...

Hi Equinox, you do what you need to do and feel comfortable doing, you are onto day 5, that shows character and you are posting so are opening up. Have a good week, day at a time.

Wilsy

Thanks again Wilsy for dropping in and giving me support. I appreciate it.

I've just dared to look at my paypal account that has nothing in it now. It was a painful reminder of just how quickly my gambling wastes money - it took a couple of months to build and about 10 minutes to lose.

Although when I saw that my money had gone to a certain casino group, I was a bit miffed. I'm pretty sure I self excluded for 5 years from that site, but this other site must have been part of its group. You'd think there'd be a simple ban across all sister sites which their registration software would pick up on.

Although it's hardly their fault, it's like blaming a hungry lion for eating me up for lunch after I decide to take a stroll through the lion park, holding a juicy burger. My relapse is all my doing, and I'm certain I would have found another site if this one had refused.

Day 6.

I'm still stinging from my relapse but long may that feeling continue.

I'm still trying to do a good deed each day. It's turning into quite an enjoyable challenge - I think I'm generally a nice, helpful chap but this daily deed has to be something that goes beyond the expected.

Day 7 - I'm glad I've got a week between me and my losses.

Still feel back to square 1 as far as tackling this - but maybe that's just the default position of an addiction, always at square 1 with everyday being a risk.

It's helpful to read through diaries with the success stories providing heaps of inspiration and motivation for me.

What are you doing to prevent your access to gambling? If you haven't got anyone who can set a password for a blocker use a barcode or a random combination of letters and numbers you won't remember and c&P. If you can't block a device ditch it and either get one you can or do without. If you're using a phone downgrade to a non-internet enabled brick. A little inconvenience is a small price to pay for not feeling the way you do at the moment.

Have you looked into counselling sessions and/or GA meetings?

A week is great, soon double figures again and onwards and upwards, have faith in you and you'll get there, one day at a time.

Wilsy

Sorry to hear about your relapse.

I feel I have only managed so long without gambling myself due to the help of my girlfriend. Without her I wouldnt have had anyone else close enough to turn to for support and to block me from using my own debit card. Can imagine how difficult is if you are on your own. I have tried blocks in the past but it just wasnt enough for the long term, would always find ways around them.

You managed 72 days so this time aim for at least 100, you can do it

Hi ya, just popping by to say Hi & noticed the above post which made me shudder...Personally, I only ever aim for one day!

What you are doing for others is a big part of the GA recovery program & can I say how impressed I am that you’re not on here every time you do a good deed looking for validation! I’m not the most helpful of people anyway & still really struggle to keep my mouth shut when I’ve done something nice which if I follow the program properly means it cancels out my good deed so not really achieving this most days yet 🙁

The problem with rolling solo is you don’t have anyone to kick you up the rear end when your thoughts are irrational or damaging...Most addicts I know carry shame & fear in abundance, the ones in recovery learn how to recognise it & process it rather than allow the bad stuff to become a self fulfilling prophecy.

Keep fighting Equinox - ODAAT

Thank you Lethe, Wilsy, CM3003 and ODAAT for dropping into my diary and offering support and advice.

I should put more blockers on to my devices and I'll look into this again. For the last few months I've had K9 installed because it worked on Apple computers and tablets. And I have ticked the customised 'gambling' restriction option - but it doesn't seem to stop me going on to the sites. I've reinstalled it a few times (just done it again now, and it still doesn't work). I looked into gamban last week after reading how useful it was for some people, but I saw that it had been removed from the Apple store and no longer is available. I think access to money was my downfall - it's only really Paypal, where I had built up some money, that I can easily gamble with. My error was becoming complacent, I should have moved the money out to my over-the-counter savings account. As for my credit cards and online bank account I've got semi-decent blocks in place for those (removed the 3 digit security codes, reduced overdraft facility, etc).

This might sound a bit like an excuse, but I genuinely need my phone and other devices and can't replace them with a brick phone. I'm self-employed and most of my business is conducted through my phone or tablet.

Today, I'll try the K9 software again and see if I can get it to work with a random password.

But, in all honesty, I do feel as if I would find a way to bypass the blocks if that mad zombie gambler in me appeared again.

I'm going to look at ways to further restrict my access to money. No money means no gambling for me. But I'm not sure how it can be done at the moment.

At the moment, I'm still suffering the pain of a relapse (and happy to be) - so gambling is as far away from me as it's ever been. But I'm not dumb enough to expect it to last.

Like ODAAT said, one day, one moment at a time.

Morning Equinox, at least you are thinking about blocks and looking into protecting yourself better, that's positive. I have no blocks I am basically using my will-power alone and making sure I don't have much money on me but everyone is different.

Wishing you a positive day today and keep on fighting.

Wilsy

Thanks Equinox

it's so difficult isn't it to fight anxiety, depression, gambling and heartbreak as well as loneliness all at once so I must be stronger than I thought but already this morning I feel sad in the space of an hour, I'm not working but at work instead, i am reading diaries and supporting people, I'm sure this has not gone unoticed by my work colleagues. I hope I can snap out of it, I might just need my lunch break, I just don't feel like working today.

Awwwww I'm pleased you liked my post about the sunshine and the birds, I love animals and nature, for me the world would be such an awful place if we didn't have wildlife. When I am feeling very low I just focus on my guinea pigs because they need me and are there for me always. I love watching wild birds feeding in the sunshine, you feel so good when you put all sorts of goodies out for them and you see them scoffing their little beaks haha.

Yes try and put happy thoughts in your head each day, be yourself, take yourself away from destructive people, situatuions and stress and just enjoy being alive, we have this one off opportunity to enjoy this world, let's for a change do it at our own pace and how we want to live it, instead of trying to please others.

Wishing you well

Wilsy x

Thanks Wilsy. That final paragraph of yours speaks heaps of truth. I appreciate the support and wise words.

Morning Equinox. All been well you will be 12 days away from your last gambling episode, a valentines day massacre which left you feeling sad and dejected. Your self esteem took a nose-dive and you were left feeling quite wretched.

Do you not think you are been a bit hard on yourself. Admittedly you are a compulsive gambler who squanders money on games of chance but that doesn't make you a bad person. I imagine you are a hard working and considerate person who has an abundance of positive traits.

We have options with regard to gambling: 1/ We make it completely impossible for ourselves to gamble. 2/ We put blocks in place, and make life style changes, which will make it less likely we will gamble. 3/ After making sure all our commitments are met and our loved ones are provided for, we gamble what is left. 4/ We throw caution to the wind and and employ a devil may care attitude whilst having scant regard for the welfare of those around us.

Compulsive gambling makes good people behave in a way that would previously have horrified them. The addiction comes along masquerading as a friend and distorts everything. It leads it's victims along a path of self destruction and robs them of self respect, courage and integrity.

We make our own bed and we have to lie in it. Maybe the answer lies in getting a new bed.

Take care my friend and strive to be happy...stephen

Hi Stephen - I'm so grateful for your post. It's difficult for me to accurately communicate just how moved I am by your support and advice. Pure gold, thank you.

I'm still in a kind of confused limbo over my relapse - but you brought some sunshine into the situation.

I lost a lot of money (for me), but worse was losing the belief that I could control my habit. I've accepted that the money's gone and even though it will take a while to earn it back, it's the distrust of myself that has taken the wind out of my sails.

I'm just trying to keep busy working. Even though I've still not managed to earn much at all this year.

Although in the next few months I've got a bits of contract work that will pay a half decent amount. This should ease the money situation a bit. But it's also a time I'm worried about ... this work puts me on the road unsupervised, with stays in hotels, free evenings, and a credit card with me so I can claim back all expenses. I'll be open about my receipts and spending - but it was at a time like this that I got my first taste of gambling at casinos.

I still haven't got round to self-excluding from the land casinos. I should do that otherwise I deserve everything I get if I relapse while away.

I'm still so full of resentment towards myself and my addiction, I feel safe from gambling at the moment. This honeymoon period of gamble free self-loathing won't last forever though.

Day 18 and still smarting from my relapse, but determined to give it my all.

I'm currently on one of my road trips, which has put me in some random city on my own with a stay in hotel and a spare money in my pocket (because I need to pay all my expenses upfront) - but I'm typing this at 9.50, sitting in my room, with no inclination whatsoever to search out a casino.

I haven't posted much recently because I'm still sick to death of myself when it comes to tackling my gambling - my promises of quitting lost all credibility with my last stupid relapse.

Two things I'd want to control would be my drinking (currently only 20 about units a week, but would like it down to 0 if possible because I can see a habit wanting to grow) and my gambling (which means a zero spend from now till the day I die).