Tom's Diary

Tom,

Welcome to the forum and congratulations on making the decision to seek help and support to better enable you to rid gambling from your life.

First of all, your story is the same as thousands on this site. We all started off betting small amounts but slowly but surely the amounts increase as does the debt as does the desperation. You will read other diaries on the forum where people have lost several hundreds of thousands of pounds and yet started by placing a single pound on a horse. In a million years they would not believe the financial predicament they currently find themselves in. I believe with the correct ammunition this could happen to any one of us unless we take steps to bring order and control back into our lives.

I believe in order to be successful we need to put blocks into place because willpower is not enough. If you gamble online buy software that blocks gambling websites. If you gamble at lunch time at work then stop taking a bank card to work with you. If you only gamble at the bookies at night time then leave your bank card at work. Some of these may seem ridiculous to you but with the correct careful planning we can use these blocks without very much disruption to our lives. A well known user on here often talks about his triangle of time, money, location. If you take one of the three out of the equation you cannot place a bet.

Overall, I believe this is a numbers game. The more diaries you read, the more posts you submit on other diaries as well as your own the better chance you will have. Your commitment to your diary will mirror your commitment to bettering your life.

I wish you well my friend.

Tomso.

Tom,

I was really hoping to read more than one post from you. Recovery and facing up to addictions is tough and takes a lot of serious effort to control. If you are not ready to commit to your recovery at this moment in your life I would like you to know that this forum and its members will be here when you are ready.

I only hope that you did read some diaries and know that with time the addiction gets worse. You are young enough to correct this issue now before it reaches a far more serious state.

P.S. I have relapsed on more than one occasion but eventually always find my way back here. Who better to share my thoughts and emotions with than likeminded people who have experienced the same feelings as me.

Tomso.

Tomso.

Hi Tomso,

Thank you so much for you comment on my Diary. I do intend to write on here everyday / every other day for the foreseable future. I totally agree with what you say about writing and commenting regullarly. I also like the trianangle hypothesis and I will definitely be using that in order to help me quit.

Since writing my first post I am still gamble free. So far I haven't found it too bad, as I said in my first post I usually struggle when I have money in my bank account - and I was in that situation on the first day. As soon as I realised I had money in my account my first though was to fund my account. Somehow I resisted and haven't really thought about it since. I think for me it is important not to think about it and keep as busy as possible.

This evening I went to watch a Twenty20 cricket match with a few school friends. Half way through the game one of the got out their phone and told me the odds available in-play, this didn't interest or tempt me in the slightest which is good news I guess. Have already found it much easier to be productive during the day and generally less stressed

Anyway thanks again Tomso for the posts and I'll keep you updated and try and read and post on a few Diaries

Cheers

Hi TomTom,

You said " I think for me it is important not to think about it and keep as busy as possible."

I think you do need to think about WHY you gamble. I know that for me, the urges sneak in and sometimes I can't even remember how or why I ended up at a casino. What I'm only just realizing now, is that I've been kidding myself about my approach to recovery. I rationalized that I was "trying" when really, I wasn't. I now know that recovery takes work.... serious work. Good luck and blessings to you. Carolyn

Day 1

Hi All,

Afraid since my last post (June 2013) the story hasn't been a good one! I doubt I have had a gamble free 2 weeks during that period. Since then I have found myself a job and gambled all my wages and more... I am more in debt than i was in 2013 and the urges are far worse! However, i do feel more committed to quit this time around. Hopefully, at 26, having gambled for 10 years, I still have the ability to turn my life around.

My main problem comes when i have money in my account. Despite owing thousands to people who have bailed me out/ creditors/loans etc if i have money in my account it will find its way to an online betting exchange and ultimately be lost. Yesterday, after a horredous stint i shut all my online accounts to hopefully help me with my problem. I'm going to write on here everyday, if you don't hear from me you can assume i have lapsed back into my addiction. I'm also going to be active on other peoples diaries as some are a real inspiration. Currently, I have £0 i can access for gambling, but I know at somepoint this afternoon I am due to be paid £200. Being a saturday, I would usually deposit this without thinking twice, today I am going to get it out of my bank account as quick as possible. I know this method won't solve my problem or cure my urges, but should be effective! Do you guys have any tips on managing your money? I am due to be paid on the 31st and really worry that my monthly wage will find its way to a bookmaker! i really need a way to lock up my money and only get a daily / weekly amount until my urges get better.

From reading posts on this forum and elsewhere, it seems like you need to know why you gamble in order address your addiction. For me I think this is three-fold:

1. I truely believe believed I can could make money
2. Being part of the action
3. Boredom...?

Anyway, that is me for now. Hopefully when that money reaches my account i stay strong. Would be great to hear from as many of you as possible, especially those who commented back in 2013 - Carla and Tomso - how is your recovery going?

Have a great weekend

Hi Tom,

Sorry to read your story, but it is one that is familiar to me too. Having money is something that seems to bring the demons to the fore for me too. Have you told anyone in your family about your problems with gambling? They might be able to help by holding your money in one account, and releasing it into another account for you gradually throughout the month. If you don't want to go down that route, you could also have your wages paid into one account, and set up a standing order to drip feed it gradually throughout the month into your spending account?

One thing that some people who have online gambling problems have found is that using a cash card account rather than an account with a debit card can help, although for some other things, such as shopping, you may need to plan ahead to draw out cash. We always have the ability to change, but it is a case of having a strong enough desire and commitment to I think. Finding that motivation and commitment is the tough part!

All the best mate,

Ryan

Hi Ryan

Thanks so much for your post and advice it's all really helpful!

At the moment my family are unaware. I think my mum has some inklings as she has picked up on some bookmakers promotional mailings. As it stands I don't plan on telling my family purely due to embarrassment.

Will give standing order idea a go. How about you Ryan, how many days are you in? Still get urges?

My friend just text me asking if I had any tips for the races up at York. I told him I didn't, but it didn't help in taking my mind off it

I'm just over two weeks in, but I've been trying to fight this for probably seven or eight years, and I know it can be done, as I went nearly two years without a bet. The urges are still there, but it's how we deal with them that is the important thing. I don't think that, in my life at least, its realistic to avoid all talk of gambling, as so many people can enjoy a bet on a lottery or sport, but its just about dealing with it once it is there in front of you.

I did confess to my family a while back, but they aren't aware that I am still having relapses, so I don't necessarily blame you for not sharing with the family. It entirely depends on what your individual family situation is like. I never gave up the financial control myself, but I know it is something that has helped others.

Hi Tom,

We're of a similar age and I've read your diary with interest. It resembles mine in quite a lot of ways. Betting exchanges were very much my thing as well. I never bet on greyhounds, but did bet extensively on football and golf. I would only bet on horse racing when I was looking for a quick fix. My education might have suffered from my addiction, although it was difficult to tell how much of an impact it ultimately had. I got out of uni with my Bsc Hons degree but it was a hellish 4 years. It wasn't entirely down to my addiction, although it certainly didn't help. In your first post you mentioned you were a Masters student. Do you think you turned to gambling as a bit of escapism?

It looks as if you've come back with a real determination, which is great to see. You've already gotten some great advice. Ryan mentioned your family and you said your mum might have an idea. I personally found this side of things very difficult to deal with and my Mum, like yours, had an inkling that something was wrong. She actually confronted me about it and telling her was an incredibly tough thing. I felt as if I had completely betrayed her trust. If you do come clean to family, I'm sure they will be supportive. It's up to you to determine whether it's the right thing to do at this stage.

You mention boredom and how to deal with the urges; the truth is there's not going to be any easy fix. It's a difficult thing to admit, but there really is no substitute for the highs and lows that gambling brings. Even when you look into the biological effects that are going on when you gamble, it becomes obvious that replacing that high is going to be an impossible task. It really is like taking a drug. Just try and keep yourself busy. Did you gamble using a PC at home or when you were out and about on your phone? Was it all online or ever in a shop? Were casinos ever a temptation?

I don't want to make this too long, but I'll finish up by saying that I've not really felt a huge urge to return to the exchange over the past year or so, but strangely, after weaning myself off sports betting, I started to play poker. I would then turn to casino games like roulette when I was on "tilt." I never in a million years thought I would ever become addicted to roulette, but about 8 months ago, I went through a shocking time with that, losing and winning thousands in the space of 2-3 hour binges. I mention this because it's important not to become complacent whatever happens.

Stay strong and keep posting if you feel it helps you. I'm sure you'll receive some great advice from others as well.

Hi Guys,

Leedso - I haven't had a chance to read your diary yet, but fully intend on doing so. Do you mind me asking a few insensitive questions? Over the 7/8 years you have been fighting your addiction what is the longest you have gone without gambling? What sparks you to gamble again and what are you gambling on? During the time you have been fighting it has your financial situation got better?

I really hope I have had my last bet, but statistics probably say otherwise! I think in the long-run it is probably better to tell family, but at the moment i simply can't bring myself to face the embarrassment.

Martin67 - thanks for your post! I have pretty much read your diary back-to-front now, was refraining from getting back to you until I had done so. I think you are right, our stories do strike a lot of similar chords. I do think my gambling has negatively impacted my education. I went to a good university but came out with a poor degree, mainly because i was either gambling (had a great local racecourse) or going out too much. I like to think that if i was to redo those 3 years I would go about things differently... You have over 100 days clean, which is amazing!!! Are the urges getting less and less?

I totally agree with the 'buzz' that you refer to! This is something I have seen on numerous gambling help websites, each one trying to advise on something that can replace the buzz. I think it is probably something you can't replace, the things they recommend are good time-fillers(ie. gym, running, gardening etc.) but ultimately won't replace the feeling. In answer to your question, I gambled pretty much everywhere I could - home on a pc, work on a pc, mobile at lunch and bookmakers. Although, self-exlusion is useful for pc and mobile i think you have to solve the urge to beat the bookies.

Day 3 - Weekend went ok for me, but couldn't have really gone any other way. The money I was due to be paid never arrived so that didn't offer a distraction. My girlfriend kept me busy with her parents for most of sunday and now i'm back at work. Did have a few urges today as I know i have some large bills coming in - was thinking if i could just double up a medium sized deposit and withdraw it would pay itself up. I'm now on top of those urges and still have no money so won't be a problem. Running home from work in a minute.

Have a great evening all!

Day 6

Hi all

Apologies for not posting the last few days, I'm away in an area of no signal / wifi which acts as a brilliant gambling blocker. Since my last post I've had a couple of hundred pounds in and out of my bank account, but most importantly it wasn't gambled! Still getting lots of urges, mainly due to boredom or when I walk passed a bookie. I've got to remember the lows, which I got over all to quickly when gambling. I would feel awful until the end of day and then carry on as usual.

Hope everyone is surviving the heatwave

• 30 year old male
• Sports gambling online/offline since 16.
• Longest gamble free period - 2 weeks
• £25k in Debt
• £400k - Estimated total loss
• 0.5 days gamble free

Here I am again, think this is the third time I’ve started a diary over the last five or so years. This morning i successfully gambled away two-thirds of my salary on Australian horse racing, greyhounds and the Pakistan womens cricket team - all of which I have no knowledge of. I sincerely hope these were my last bets, but i find that very hard to believe - such is the grip of the addiction I have. I now find myself £25k in debt, with creditors persistently badgering me over late repayments.

Despite this addiction having control of my life for more than a decade it is still a secret from my family and friends. I’ve read lots of advise on this forum that it is best to share as they can offer valuable support, however I would like to keep it this way until I am at least 3 months gamble free.

I have a long standing self exclusion in place with many bookmakers and I signed up to GamStop on its release. I have also turned on a gambling block on my Monzo card where I receive my monthly salary. These are all effective but unfortunately I have discovered a method of depositing to an exchange. I don’t want to give too many details but sadly I can’t block myself from the site and this is where I have been gambling.

I’m in the fortunate position where I have a good job that is paid reasonably well. I gamble daily at work. I don’t fully understand the urge that makes me gamble. I think I stupidly truly believe I can win a little bit - which I will then withdraw and pay off some of my debts. It never works like this, I get greedy and end up losing it all. If I have any money in my bank I chase losses and re-deposit. 

I’m recently married and I’m sure my gambling is putting a strain on our relationship. I never have any spare cash to do nice things as it is used for gambling or debt repayments.

After losing a substantial amount of cash, the low in the short-term is bad. Unfortunately, I forget this low too quickly and the next time I have available cash it is too easy for me to deposit again!

Anyway, that is enough rambling for now - thank you all for reading! Please do post or comment, i’ll be sure to take a look at as many of your stories as possible!

I hope to be here on 29th November, when i will tell you that I haven’t gambled any of my salary and have continued to repay my debts.

Thanks all.

Stay strong Tom 

Not coming clean leaves your wife living a lie and takes away her informed choices. Making yourself accountable to someone else is one of the basics as you will have been advised here repeatedly. There isn't a good time to come clean and waiting to do it just leaves you more opportunity to talk yourself into gambling again. The sooner you make yourself accountable to someone other than you the sooner you're on the way to breaking the cycle.