Toughest unwanted battle imaginable

DAY 93

I don't know what I really want to say today. I've never had a diary before for anything, I have rarely in my life ever had anyone to talk to properly about my feelings, and when I have tried opening up, people haven't listened to me properly or understood me.

Firstly gambling isn't the problem I have no urges or desire to do anything as I know it will only make me feel worse. I am struggling with day to day life, something inside of me just wants to give up, like I am at complete breaking point. Yes I am on medication and health at mind is available to me but it's deeper than that. You can only be taught exercises in how to use tools to help us with our health of mind, what if you can't pick up those tools, I can't even wash up let alone use tools to make me feel better. When someone suffers with depression and low self esteem, it isn't as easy as just getting on a bike or going for a walk, we can't do anything, I barely get out of bed to go to work and I only do that because I have to. Right now I need one positive thing to happen to me, one nice comment, someone to be kind to me, someone to ask me how I really am. I don't need in my state to hear anything negative, I know who I am, I am a beautiful and trustworthy man. My heart is very heavy it has been for a long time, I'm struggling to cope with my thoughts and anxieties. I know what I need, it isn't much just an ounce of kindness and for someone to actually think about me for a change, I'm always thinking of others, it stops me from thinking about myself. I don't want to think about me, what I have, what I haven't got, what I have lost, how lonely I am, I need a distraction and in my life when I have found myself in this situation of heart bleeding turmoil, I have often turned to gambling. I can see now how gambling has possibly kept me alive but at the same time it has caused me massive problems after becomming active. I don't blame myself, I'm broken I know that, who in there right mind would choose to live with an addiction as well as anxiety and depression, it really is hell.

I don't know anymore........ how long can I keep this up for. Sorry everything I write today is so negative. I am going to see my paramedic friend later today, that is a positive, I need to get my repeat perscription and I'll ask him for something else to go towards my anxiety and i'll call health in mind and see what courses are available. That's another thing this bloody anxiety makes me fidget and push things. I want to relax, I don't want to push people away, I just need to get to the end of this day and rest over the weekend, otherwise I am going to break down.

Pleased I am a week away now from 100 days, that I can feel proud about but it really isn't doing much to help me in my current mood.

Hi Wilsy

Not got the answers for you but just thought I would post something so you know there are people out there who are listening and care about you.

The amount of support you show so many people on here shows what a kind and genuine person you are so I really hope you get some help to make you feel more positive about yourself and your life.

Just one more week away from the big 100 GF and great that you have no urges or desire to gamble. That is one big positive.

Look after yourself.

Hi Wilsy,

Sorry to read about your struggles. I can absolutely relate to most of the feelings you are experiencing. What I did find out tho (with my own mental health) that unexpected is just round the corner! Just that little glimpse of pushing forwards..i guess HOPE. We are not made to fail, we, as human beings are created to fight on and keep looking for a way out. Bad days passes...sooner or later. You're right, it's horrible experience to be in the eye of the storm, walked those shoes and just recently managed to dig myself out too...only with support and talking/ expressing my feelings...only for a few days now....when new low will hit?..i don't know. I guess it will, as you say depression is not something to "get on & ride out". We do need help. We cannot isolate. Absolutely not.

Medication can help a lot. They can even show you a way forward. Help to set new goals while keeping clear mind. But also has to work in tune with your body. You may need to 'kiss' few frogs before you find the right one!

It's not a shame to admit our struggles, it only shows strength. I read somewhere that the strongest people on earth are people with this illness...because nobody who never experienced the toughness of getting out of bed and dressing up can understand what a challenge little things for us are. When we fight & fight & fight to find a way out to feel better within ourselves. It can be exhausting.

Please hang on. Things don't have and won't stay the way they are. Keep reaching out, don't isolate. There is always the sun after the rain. Believe & be kind to you!

This will pass!

S&B xx

Thank you Muststop, I don't know how to look after myself, I am at a complete stand still right now, the fact I have racked up 93 days is the only thing keeping me going.

x

Andrew.
Fella I think your too hard on yourself at times, I think you would do well to take stock, what medication are you taking for your depression?? Is it the right one, I went through three types before I found one that works for me.
Because my dear friend it's surely profoundly true that nothing changes if nothing changes.
You are a long way from your last bet with regards to your day count but through my own harsh experience addiction will be whispering that old well what's the point in your ear.
I know that its not easy when your feeling like you do, but I believe it's time to find out what is creating those feelings and seek change.
If not is the option left to return full circle.
You have put in to much effort for that.
Duncs

Hi Dunc,

the perfect person to step forward thank you. I am on citalopram, I often find that it builds up then you take stock like you said, I'll be doing that this weekend, I won't be on my own so I'll just take a rest from things. Was on Fluoxetine, will speak to the paramedic this afternoon and just up my dosage to 40mm over the next week to take the edge of things.

No the gambling isn't whispering in my ear I have no urges, I am just at an all time low right now and want to give up the day to day things. I feel this weekend is much needed, I'll hopefully feel brighter by Monday.

I know what is making me feel rubbish and I am trying my best, just need to give things time.

I am on full guard, I will not relapse or i hope I won't because I cannot promise.

Hi Wilsy, thanks for posting on my diary. Well done on achieving so many days gamble free. I'm sorry to hear that you are struggling so much with depression at the moment. Would it be worth maybe moving back in with your parents temporarily so that you have their company. I know when I was struggling mentally in the past moving back in with my parents for 6 months really helped me not to feel so isolated and I often went for a walk with my mum in the dark in the evenings which helped with the anxiety. Obviously parents bring their own stresses especially once we are older but just an idea. Try to find things that give you comfort each day, a favourite program, food, radio station, even a hot water bottle. I feel like you need to wrap yourself up and be jolly kind to yourself. Winter is the hardest season for depression I find but we are nearly in spring. Take care

Hi Wilsy

Post #153 was written to you earlier today. My post arrives late recently so I just didn't want you to miss it. We care, that's why we try our best to support each other.

Thank you for your kind post today also ☺

Have a safe and calm weekend!

Xx

Hi Wilsy,

Just wanted to say thank you for message and support.

I read through large parts of your diary... How's the smoking going?

I gave up in March 2017, along with gambling, failed at gambling aspect but succeeded with smoking! Well... I did have about 8 cigars over Xmas and new year, but all in all not too shabby.

I used 'nicotenell' 2mg lozenges, £1.49 for 12 from Home Bargains they really worked well, took the crave and edge off immediately.

Maybe worth a look into mate.

Best wishes!

Ps... Brilliant fir 95 days! Keep it there, steady away!! I'm day 3 and fully under the mountain of despair, bills unpaid and all the negative awful package that comes with it... We move forward and believe because it will be ok (in time) huh.

Best

DAY 96,

thanks Annie, S_J_B and DITH2016, I appreciate your support and comments. I won't move in with my parents, my loneliness isn't as bad as having to do something like that, I'll be okay once the Winter has finished, maybe my depression is just at it's worst around this time of year. Smoking I have given up for three years in the past (cold turkey), I am thinking about stopping again and putting £24 a week into a savings tin, so I can treat myself to some new clothes once a month, I suppose it's about when I feel ready.

Day 96 today, wow I am impressed and proud of myself. Had a nice weekend with family, took stock, got well fed, watched my favourite TV Series and saw my football team play. Had communication with my love who is also going through a very hard time at the moment so my thoughts were with her but in a positive way, I want to be there for her. Today it is freezing, I have just booked a Doctors appointment to review my perscription. I see the paramedic now who is also one of my good friends, he'll be pleased with my progress.

I just need positivity moving forward, yes I am lonely and get depressed, work is difficult but as long as I hang in there, some good times will come. I've a lot of love to give just got to give things time. I won't give up.

Wilsy
I salute you my friend, you are right life is about choices, I can easily burn through a packet of smokes a day and my preferred brand are over a tenner a packet, that a lot of new threads to wear so I make a choice.
Glad to see you are taking stock fella, I believe abstinence gives the foundations to do so.
Keep building one brick at a time.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Thanks Duncan, I took your advice last week about taking stock and not being too hard on myself. The weekend is what I needed and brick by brick I will improve my life. The smokes are still needed today I've said to myself, one last packet! How many times have I said that! haha

Thanks for stopping by Wilsy. A line I once heard that has always stayed with me is 'when you can't see a light at the end of the tunnel remember that the tunnel isn't straight..it has bends and the light will return'. Wishing you well - PK.

Thanks PK, the light never leaves us, it gets foggy and you are right, there are bends! haha