Well, after an absence of 5 months from this forum and after another 10 attempts to quit, I'm back again. Back in September my whole family found out what I'd done, how much I had gambled away. I promised them all I wouldn't gamble again and I believed it. Unfortunately things haven't gone as planned. Thousands and thousands more lost. I lose all my wages and hit rock bottom and usually think about ending my life. At this point, I'm always certain I won't gamble again, I close down all my accounts and have no intention to gamble. The memory of the pain gradually eases and I convince myself I can gamble again, this time I won't lose my head, I will be able to control myself. So I search for one of the few bookies I'm not self excluded from and the cycle begins again. By the end of the day I've completely lost the plot, lost all my money and closed the new account and the suicidal thoughts begin again.
what is wrong with me? I'm not a stupid person. Far from it. Yet I keep doing the thing that is ruining mine and my families lives.
Im in a terrible terrible mess. I owe tens of thousands of pounds all over the place. It's completely out of control. Mentally, I'm also a mess. Constantly wishing I could just die, so this misery could end.
Ive been attempting to quit for a decade now. The last 4 years my gambling has been crazy. Often losing thousands in one day. The longest I've gone without gambling has been around 20 days.. It always seems that I get there, start to feel a bit better and I forget about all the pain gambling has caused me and I think, oh I will just put 100 in, see what I can do with it. Then I put another 100 in, then another, next minute, I've lost 2 grand. This has to be it for me. My life is only going one way at the moment and I have to make this the year I turn things round, otherwise I really worry that one day I'm going to do something stupid.
anyway, here I go again. Day 1 almost over. Been a truly horrible day. I feel extremely ill due to the consequences of what I've done sinking in. 4 whole weeks to get through again, with no money. What kind of sane person would repeatedly do this to himself?
Hi Rock bottom,
Firstly well done for coming back and starting up a recovery diary.
I'm sure you know that these first days of recovery are tough. Gambling addiction is such a powerful cruel disease that it has the ability to screw with your mind to such an extent that you don't know right from wrong.
"The memory of the pain gradually eases and I convince myself I can gamble again, this time I won't lose my head, I will be able to control myself. So I search for one of the few bookies I'm not self excluded from and the cycle begins again."
Your quote above sums this up for me completely. This is the addiction controlling you.
As hard as it is, and I know it is really f*****G hard. You have to recognise this as a time to get help. You have to put those barriers in place that will stop you even being able to begin to act on an urge to go back to gamble.
Gambling has bought you and me nothing but misery and we have both found ourselves here, late on a Sunday evening on a forum for compulsive gamblers. Why go back to the despair and make your debts even worse. It's time to stop and say no more.
As i'm sure you know only too well, this site will give you tremendous support and help to get your strength back and start putting those days of recovery together, one by one. Just getting through Day 1 is a great achievement. You have also got to want to do it and focus on each day in isolation. Whats gone is gone, the money ain't coming back.
I hope I don't sound too harsh, I just really really want to help you, because you can do it if you really want to. You can arrest this NOW.
Keep strong
All the best
Ade
P.s: I'll be back tomorrow to check up on you......stay strong
Rock bottom
It feels like we are one and the same person after reading your troubles.
Hopefully we can both come through this.
I know we are at the best place to get help.
Stay strong
Thanks for taking the time to reply guys. Appreciate the support.
I feel so terrible right now. I'm so weak that I just keep thinking I want to kill myself. Because I honestly don't feel string enough to get through the days. I'm laying here in tears, I'm ashamed to say.
i just don't know when I'm going yo learn. I've been here before so many times. Yet keep making the same mistakes. It's like I'm determined to ruin my life.
i now have to somehow go to work all week and act like nothing's wrong, when really I'm suffering so much. All I really feel like doing is staying in bed and seeing nobody.
Call net line or the helpline now and talk to someone now please Rock Bottom.
Ade
Hi Ade
i spoke to my girlfriend instead. I will be ok. I've felt like this before and got through it. I just find it so hard having to pretend everything's ok when I feel how I do. I'm extremely depressed, but I suppose I'm used to it. I will just take it one day at a time and hopefully one day I won't feel like this.
if I can stop gambling I'm hoping the depression will lift because I think it's the guilt and self-loathing that causes me to feel this way. I just know that this has to be the time I beat this. Year after year keeps going by and I keep promising myself I'm going to out things right and things end up just being worse. I must have lost over 100k in the last 2 or 3 years alone. That's hard to take. But I know I can't do anything about that now. If I keep chasing then I will just lose more and more.
if I ever feel like gambling again in the future, I just hope I can remember the pain I'm feeling right now. I can't keep living like this. Been here so many times when I've felt suicidal. I need yo make this the last time and not let thus beat me.
Hi Rock Bottom
Great you are on here, means you want to quit, for a great idea to see the gamble free days physically, look at my diary and the JAR trick - I have over 90 gold nuggets in there now!
Paul
Hi Paul.
thats a good idea but unfortunately I won't be able to start it fir a while as I don't have a pound to spare!
well done on going gamble free for so long. I hope I can get there too.
Hi Rock bottom
Really feeling for you mate,been there unfortunately,has have most of us on here.
Being brutally honest you have to accept that you cannot control your gambling (likewise) that first bet will always lead you back into the spiral you find yourself in now.
Believe me this addiction will not just go away, we are all fighting the same demons , but refusing to have that first bet is a must.Easier said than done I should know,but be strong and get your life back as time goes by things do get a little easier.
All the best and keep posting Dino x.
Hi Dino,
youre right. I can't control it. I keep thinking that this time it will be different, if I win I will just withdraw it. But I never do. A few weeks ago I withdrew 5,700. I was so happy. I thought, don't lose it all this time, you need that money. But I wanted more.. So I gradually reversed sll the withdrawals until it was sll gone and I was putting extra money in trying to chase it. After this I decided enough was enough and I quit for 13 days. I was actually feeling better. Then I just thought, I will just have 100 each way on the golf for fun. Don't care if it loses, I won't put anymore in. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I've done about another 3 grand.
Hopefilly thr penny will drop this time. I cannot control my gambling so I must stop completely.
Hi Rock,
The more we win on gambling the more we lose, no win is big enough, that is what this horrible addiction does to us.
Sending you strong and determined thoughts to make the right choices
Take care
Suzanne xx
Suzanne, you're so right. I'm at my most dangerous when I've had a big win. Because you start to think, well I've won all that money, so I can do it again. Never works out that way though.
Yeah,
Even if I just won 50 jackpot, I would play it again with that win and then end up putting another 300 on just to win that
50 jackpot again utter utter madness lol.
Suzanne xx
It is madness. But we are not thinking rationally when we are gambling. I can never believe what I've done after the event, can never believe how stupid I've been, gambling money that is needed for bills. But at the time, it's like I'm in a trance.
I can honestly say after winning big before Christmas nearly ruined me , that was my rock bottom.
Having been thousands up and set for the year I nearly blew the lot , I did manage to stop when I hit my rock bottom and thankfully still had some money left over.
There seems to be moments of madness after big wins , high stakes , bigger risks , more temptation , my biggest win was closing my accounts and trying to recover , building up over 40 days now and that to me was bigger than any win I have ever had.
Good luck in your own recovery.
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