Trying again

Nice one, Burko, for getting back on that horse! Hope the counselling goes well later.

Jam

I had a really good session with my counsellor tonight. Very positive and I explained how I was on here, using the forum and drawing strength from you all. She was pleased.

well done Burko.onwards and upwards x

Thanks Cookie12

Happy Friday everyone, nearly the weekend. I am working from home today. It is these days that I fear the most in some senses as I have both time to gamble and the opportunity to gamble. Fortunately I am skint, so the money side of things is not really possible unless I jump through a large number of hoops and get new online banking passwords issued, download the Apps, sign in, transfer money, then set up a new gmail account, create a new online persona, create a new account with a gambling firm, deposit the money, send them proof of my address and ID so that I can withdraw my winnings (If I was to get any) THEN start gambling.

It sounds like such a lot of effort, but it is the sort of thing that I could do.

Right now, I am going to take things one step at a time. I am going to work though to lunch and go from there. I am not going to gamble for the next hour. I'm going to put some chilled music on, make a list of things I need to achieve today and then work through that list.

We also talked about what the abstenance was doing for my self esteem. I realised that when i gamble, there is a brief explosion of euphoria when I win. This is obviously natural, but when I am losing, there is stress, frustration, anger. I blame the machines for being bent (which they obviously are), I blame the dealer for being unlucky, I blame jockeys for not riding to win, I blame the racing post for "being in collusion with the bookies to talk a horse up", I blame others......

I then bet to get my money back, I chase losses and strive to get back to zero. The emotion if I do is Relief. I breathe a huge sigh of relief. I may have gambled for hours and been up and down hundreds of pounds, but ultimately I feel negative emotions, or simple relief.

When I dont gamble. I have no bank cards but I have a small amount of cash in my pocket. i can use Apple pay to get a nice lunch and I feel happy. I feel content. Life is much simpler, but far more fulfilling.

I then think, "what do I want?" Stress, anger, frustration, relief or contentment, satisfaction and fulfillment?

Is it worth risking Stress, anger, frustration, relief to get a brief period of elation?

The elation does not last. I am an addict. I put the winnings back in the pocket of the casino / bookmakers soon after and I am back to square one.

I want to choose the path of contentment

Correct answer Burko!

It just isn’t worth it. You’re making money everyday, simply by not gambling. Your euphoria moments should be at the start of the day when you wake up and you’re a day further away from your last gamble AND at the end of the day when you’ve made it all the way through the day gamble free.

Have a good Friday!

Dan

Great post my friend, keep on smashing it and choose a life that you enjoy and feel at peace with and that life has no place or time for Mr Gambling addiction.

Have a great weekend, check in with you on Monday

Wilsy!

Hope that everyone's weekend is going well. I was GF yesterday and am feeling good. Had a great day with the kids, cycling and tree climbing. Looking forward to more of the same today.

Have a good day everyone, stay off those machines, casinos, betting sites. We can do this

Hi all, I had a good weekend. GF all weekend and had a very chilled time with the family. I hardly thought about gambling at all which was a huge step forward for me as previously it has really dominated my daily thoughts a lot of the time.

Had a few meetings at work this morning and so I have not really had the opportunity to seek out gambling either. So far, so good x

I made a huge decision last night - I confessed everything to my wife. I told her about my gambling addiction, I told her about the losses, I told her about the dishonesty, I told her about the loan I have taken out to cover my losses. I cried, I broke down in tears at various points. Throughout all of it, she was calm, focussed and listening to me. I kept thinking throughout the confession how I did not deserve her.

Actually saying the words to her....those times I said I was going to starbucks, I was actually going to Coral, the working late on my computer was me playing blackjack. Watching an internet stream of a Polish football match was not as a result of a love of the sport - but because i had a hundred on Poznan to score more than 2.5 goals......made me realise how much this had affected me, what this sickness had changed me into and how it had warped my mind.

So today, I have a new vigour, a new feeling of freedom. There are now no lies, no hidden truths and no diversionary tactics. To be clear, she has not patted me on the head and said, "there, there". There are rules. I have no control of my money, I have no bank cards. She has everything. I am given "spending money". I have my "Find friends" on my iPhone set and I have to carry my phone, so that she can see where I am. All gambling accounts are closed and anti gambling software is installed on our computers.

I am also to attend Gamblers Anonymous meetings. I am going to my first one on Tuesday.

I am sorry to all of you whose diaries i started commenting on. I am going to have a read through the forum now and see who is still around.

Keep Fighting

x

Things are going well, just checking in. First session at a GA meeting tonight. I have stayed GF since my confession to my wife last week. Hope everyone is ok

Hi Burko,

firstly good luck with your first GA Meeting tonight, I have been to some before and they are very useful to many addicts. You made a huge step confessing to your wife, she sounds as if she is prepared to help you with handling your money.

Secondly coming from someone who has also relapsed recently after 153 days, relapses happen, we are only human and we have a dreadful addiction, just keep on trying and don't be too hard on yourself, I am currently on myself but over the coming days we need to let go of what has passed and work towards a new beginning.

Wilsy

Hi Willsy mate,

Thanks for the message. Keep on bring strong.

I attended my first GA meeting last night and was blown away by the welcome I received and the support offered.

Hi Burko. Well done on sharing with your wife. Must have been very difficult and I bet your stomach was tied in knotts. Now to forge forward without that horrible feeling ever again. The weight off your shoulders must be amazing so imagine how it will feel when you get some proper days, weeks and months under your belt. Gambling will be a distant memory.

Sending you my best wishes.

Jam