Hi all,
I have started 3 different recovery diaries over the years, and on each occasion I have neglected them after a month or so.
This time I am determined to start a diary, keep at it (not necessarily every day) and hopefully impart some advice/experiences to others in a similar situation.
I am 30 years of age, and have been living with problem gambling (mainly online casinos) for 10 years, and as a result am still living with my parents. As of today I have next to no money to my name, with payday still a week away.
My monthly routine seems to be get paid, pay rent, s***k vast majority of remaining money away, limp through the rest of the month spending very little, get paid, rinse and repeat.
My parents are aware of my situation and to be fair to them have been very understanding; they have tried looking after my bank card for a few months but that idea has fallen by the wayside. They know I am trying my damndest to beat this addiction and I feel like they trust me and believe that I can.
I should have just enough money to scrape by until next Wednesday, but am already worried sick that I will fall back into the same old routine. I've been gambling for so long I've developed an almost blase attitude towards it, my first thought is "oh well, it's only money, not the end of the world". Then over the following days the enormity of it hits me - I have NO money saved up for my future, and at 30 that is pretty severe.
Things have to change. When I get paid next Wednesday, a significant chunk of my pay IS going into savings, and I will make sure I can't access it. I have been telling myself for months that this is what I need to do, but always end up gambling anyway.
I am going to set a goal and try to save at least £800 a month. It's quite a large figure, but over time that is going to look pretty good, and should give me enough left over to live comfortably for the rest of the month (and not gamble it!)
I have to beat this horrible addiction before it completely ruins my life. I want to lead a normal life and get a place of my own, but thanks to gambling and my non-existent willpower that hasn't materialised so far.
Will check in from time to time to chart my progress. Currently on Day 1 gamble free.
Hey el nice one for starting a new diary. I have started plenty myself in my time too!
Your circumstances are very similar to mine. Similar age and living at home .
Wish you the best in recovery and keep on posting in the diary . A lot of people may not comment on diaries but they defo read them
This is actually the FIFTH recovery diary I've started (even lost count of those!!)
My brains are scrambled because of this addiction; need to change for my own sanity.
I am on diary NINE. Need to keep trying.
I could have written your post myself. We are all suffering the same problems.
Day 6
Got a friend's wedding today, should be a lot of fun and will take my mind off gambling for a while.
Payday in 4 days, that's when the real challenge begins.
Wish you well but would suggest that you get rid of any idea of luck. Luck implies that you're stuck with a random set of circumstances that you can't change, that you're passive. Not so. It's got nothing to do with luck and everything to do with the choices that you make going forwards and being responsible for those choices. Not random luck but the actions that you take (or don't) to block your access to gambling and to get support (or not) via counselling and GA.
It's doable, hope you make the best choices you can.
CW
Day 8
Thank you for your message CW, you're absolutely right that I should completely eliminate the idea of luck and should take responsibility for my actions.
I have blocked access to all of the sites I used to frequent, and am trying to greatly reduce my computer use altogether.
Started exercising towards the end of last year and have kept that up, have also tried to read a lot more.
Payday tomorrow, and am feeling confident (although that has happened countless times before...)
Glad it's going well.
One of the choices is about what you do or don't do to remove your access to funds on payday. Will power plus money in the bank doesn't work.
Hope you make the best choices you can.
CW
Hi elproducto, had to smile when I read your first post "This time I am determined to start a diary" ....."keep at it (not necessarily everyday)"...."will check in from time to time". You have already proved, by your own admission that you are good at starting diaries, just struck me that maybe if you committed to posting daily or every other day, that discipline may help with staying gamble free....doesn't have to be a long post, just a commitment. I go to GA, may be worth looking to find your local one, it really helps. Best wishes.
Day 11
Double figures!
Got paid 2 days ago, and while the urges have been there, I have managed to keep myself busy enough to put them to the back of my mind.
I do have a fairly quiet weekend coming up however, so will need to stay focused.
Thank you for your message Rhoda, I will of course try to post here as often as I can, even if it's just the bare minimum.
I'm in a pretty positive frame of mind at the moment, need to stay there!
Keep at it mate!
Day 12
Not really had many urges so far this weekend, can only be a good thing.
Down the pub for curry / beers / football tomorrow with a few mates. Will probably cost around £40-50 but I'd normally gamble that amount away without a second thought. At least it'll go towards having a good time and socialising, instead of wasting it in a matter of minutes.
Slowly but surely getting my spirits up, got a long road ahead!
Day 15
A very enjoyable, gamble free Bank Holiday with minimal urges, mainly because I've been so preoccupied with other things.
Looked at my balance this morning and am so happy to actually have money in my account. I CANNOT let this slip, and if I can get through to the next pay day gamble free that will be a massive step towards recovery.
For the first time in years, I am feeling confident that I can beat this!
Day 16
As promised (to myself) I have taken a sizeable chunk of my monthly wage and have stashed it away.
Pretty confident I will resist the urge to spend it, as the majority of my gambling past was online as opposed to going into casinos/bookies etc. Plus I forgot what it felt like to have actual money in my hands.
This is a big step forward for me, and hopefully this time next month I'll be in an even more lofty position.
I do have a small bank loan which I am paying back monthly, the aim is to pay it off altogether by July.
Every day gamble free feels like a massive victory!
Well done on keeping gamble free. I have recently stopped and am currently into week 4 without gambling. It should have been week 7 but I had quite a severe relapse in between. It's that replase that finally persuaded me that enough was enough. Like yourself I had forgotten what it was like to have money in my account (although it's slightly artificial as I have credit card debt to start paying off). I hope you can continue to keep the gambling at bay.
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