Welcome to the " Hotel California "

Hi A9

Doing ok but suspect my darkest hour has yet to arrive. When the cookie crumbles & you look behind you and there's no-one there it ain't much fun. Ask not what this forum can do for you but what you can do for your fellow CGs. ( As JFK would say ). Swallow your pride, rise above and get back to the battlefield.

Kind Regards

AL

Hi All :))

Many thank's for the kind post's on my diary they  were much appreciated and very humbling .

I hadn't actually left the forum but thought I'd not be around for quite a while , I'd initially been banned but according to admin that was a "tech glitch " MMhhhh ? but had been placed in moderation and I'm not sure if I still am until I hit the reply button in which case you may not read this post till late Sunday evening ?. 

TBH honest during my latest Spat I'd got to the point where as I thought that was it ,I might as well go the whole Hog , probably the wrong attitude but I did feel strongly over the point I was getting across and feel justified that the poster I was defending has since posted saying "He felt the same " ? , anyway I'm not saying I wouldn't do the same again but for now " Line Drawn " . 🙂 .

All's good and the important bit still no gambling , I am however going to ease off posting a bit as life's getting a bit Manic again , I've put my business up for sale which is something I'd wanted to do for a while now so as I can focus more on the Fostering with my partner , already had the first viewing yesterday and another booked for Monday and Wednesday but that being said nothing's going to happen overnight so I'm assuming I'll still be the doing the job I've loved for the last 38 yrs for a little longer yet :)) . 

As I said I will still pop on as and when time allows and I'm sure we'll talk soon :)) .

Once again many thank's for all the kind word's Guy's and Gal's , support's what this forum does best and I thank you all for your's 🙂 

Alan xx 

Hi Alan,

Glad you're back. Won't ramble on but i'm sure there are many others relieved now you're back.

Best Wishes

AL

Good to see you back A 9.

Wishing you all the best,

Forum Admin

Thank you admin 🙂 

So diary I'm not sure if you'll get this post just yet as admin have informed me I'm no longer in moderation but the last couple of post's I've sent still are ? . 

Anyway , "RAMBLE ALERT ".

I sit here with an hour to myself after doing some running around to cash n carry's to restock my shop for next week . 

I traveled the same route I have always gone on when the need dictated, it's a route that years ago and just as it did today would take me past many high street bookies shops and obviously a route where I knew every parking place to avoid traffic wardens that would lay in wait as I willingly gave my addiction a loose reign .

Today as I drove pass the places I would pull in, there's a sense of calm where once apprehension and panic were the order of the day and where through the  choice's I make now they no longer have a hold nor instill fear for me  . 

Many twist's and turn's have brought me to this point in my life and I look back now wondering how much of a different life I'd be living through choosing a different route to take ? and I'll never know is the answer to my question as there are far to many equation's to compute .

Had my Dad not died suddenly so young would I have  gone into my family business ?, If I'd have called off my wedding which had been arranged for over a year before his death but fell on the date a day after his funeral , then where would I be now ? . 

All questions that although I could look at them badly have all brought benefits and joy into my life , I've enjoyed myself in the business as it's allowed me to meet some truly wonderful and inspirational people and continues to do so , my marriage although many years since ended has gifted me 2 wonderful children who have made me so proud and whom I owe a real debt of gratitude to for the part they've played in my life , again If my marriage had not ended then I would not have met the wonderful lady I share life with today . 

Even the lifetime of gambling has brought me to this wonderful place where again peoples stories have touched my very core and where I was able to become more honest as person and to begin to rediscover thing's I never knew about myself . 

My first year here was a huge mixture of up's and down's , with an initial period of euphoria because I'd stopped gambling followed by a period of " Well , Is this it then ?" . 

Not sure what I was expecting to be honest but It wasn't the big Firework's party I'd had on my mind ? , It didn't matter though because however slow thing's went at times I still wasn't gambling and that was enough to spur me on to the next day / week / month , which although initially slow were now beginning to pass much quicker . 

Clarity really began to return and my first thought in the morning wasn't any longer about  which dog or horse I was going to bet on and my last thought at night wasn't about where I was going to get the money from to gamble tomorrow or indeed how I was going to recoup my losses from the previous day as had been the repeat cycle for so many years .

Thought's and urges still came back then and still suprise me from time to time even today nearly 4 years on but they are just " Fleeting moment's " when some unexpected bill arrives and my old noggin goes into the       " How do I get the money " as it would have done for many year's and I guess is so ingrained in the thought process and probably will still be for many years to come ? . 

The strange thing is I realise now that I actually had enough money to get bye but had got so used to my gambling brain telling me that I needed this for that and to cover whatever that  gambling became the only solution but in truth just made it all a whole lot worse 

Life throws up many challenges along the way and I believed that  for many years it was just me suffering and that " Poor me " needed / was entitled / had a right to gamble simply because I was having a rough time of it all, such is the justification in an addicted mind ? , truth is I haven't gambled in a while and life continues to throw up problem's along the way but I now understand that it is indeed " Just life " doing what it does best and isn't coming after me because it doesn't like me . :)). 

This place has become such a support for me that I really couldn't envisage it not being a part of my life for many years to come , I see people come and go and the same almost " Generic " set of advice given out now as it was to me back then but that advice does work and as the old saying goes " If it ain't broke don't fix it " . 

Much wiser folk than me have passed on " It's ok to look back , just don't stare " but I'm guilty of havin a little peek occasionally and perhaps for slightly longer than I should but that's ok , as " Don't beat yourself up "  again I still did occasionally but that's alright too , just as long as I don't over do it :)) . 

Talk to you soon dear diary .

My name is Alan and I'm a compulsive gambler  :)) xx   

Hi Alan,

What a wonderful post. Reading your story i believe you've always been a decent bloke, just another victim of this vile addiction. But seeing how far you've come & what you've achieved to date is an inspiration not just to me but for others too. It also serves as a warning to us all that even after 4 years being clean the urges still lurk & how important it is to guard against complacency.

Sincere Best Wishes

AL

Alan I hope one day everything you have written and the timescale is mirrored by myself. 

Respect, honest, fab.

Keep going

Hi AL and Holy :))

Thank's guy's  , I'm sorry I can't post to either of you at the moment personally , admin said yesterday that my moderation had been lifted but at the Moment it seem's only on my diary as I'd left a few post's this morning which haven't yet surfaced but hey ho apparently it's still a tech issue :). 

I just wanted to say to you both that you will get to that good place in time but it does take time  , I can only speak for myself but coming from a place where I'd struggle to go 4 hours without a bet to where I'm at now is like the difference between Night and Day , there's no magic pill or nothing I've done that anyone else couldn't do , just keep pushing on and refuse to give in to temptation and your strength and resolve will carry on growing :)) . 

Stick with the plan Guy's and thank's for all the support you both give to so many 🙂

Best wishes 

Alan  

Hello my old southern buddy,

going back to last weeks posts I had followed with interest, it reminded me of many a time I’ve been on here, you have the extreme and the more softer approach. Sometimes you can read things on here and because it’s not face to face you kind of put your own expression if you know what I mean ? Sort of read it in an angry voice or read it in a jokey way. 

I did notice that as you were getting more wound up your posts were getting more and more aggressive and rightfully so as it seemed the poster was trying his hardest to cause conflict.   

Thats when I saw myself a few years ago arguing between who’s right or wrong, I didn’t want to see the same thing happen to you because although you’re 4 years gamble free you still need this place and this place needs you, you’re time effort and thoughtfulness  put into posts is unmatched. You’re like gamcares very own banksy.

i lost my place to express when I went down the same path and went to a place (see my diary) sort of like other poster (anger). Took me a while to get through the anger phase.

which is also a post for another day the phases of recovery.

as always I’ll end on a high note.

i take it you’re selling the shop because a competitor is selling battered chips?

oh and admin said I can post under my real name now ? 

deano x

Good to see you back Jason / Deano / the brickie  and with your own diary too as I can stop nagging you now :)) xx.

Feeling a bit " Blaaah " today if I'm honest  diary , nothing to do with gambling which is good obviously but much going on in my life at the moment with my business going on the market and viewing's  being arranged , consequently my head's buzzing and lack of sleep the result, although watching a couple of episodes of " Years and years " before bedtime last night didn't help , funny /sad but a scary insight into how our planet could become in the not too distant future ? ( so note to self stick to a more cheerful programe before bedtime ). 

I get the same down in the dump's vibe on the forum occasionally and  it's almost infectious at times but that's understandable considering why were all here , indeed I remember my early day's  here being a bit like sitting on See Saw , up in the air one moment and down in the dump's the next but  I really do put that down to addiction coating my emotions in the kind of slime you'd see in a Ghostbuster's movie which took quite a while to drip away enough for those emotions to level out . 

There were many day's where I'd just well up and blub away like a 2 year old and at times it seemed for no apparent reason either but I now look back and think it was me just releasing years of pain and turmoil and also relief that I 'd taken back some control from an addiction that had been with me for most of my adult life and probably many years before that if I'm honest .

I remember asking " Is this normal " on a post on my original diary and was met with a unanimous  " YES " by those kind folk who'd welcomed me here ,people who had put plasters on my wound's and more importantly had walked in my shoes before . 

We all have those moment's where addiction call's to us and want's us back  simply because It would be a hell of a lot easier than dealing with not only the change that's required by ourselves but also the aftermath of what we've done not to mention the thing's we have to face going forward in this " New Strange Life " that can only be described as " Alien " to someone like myself .

Even now I get those moment's where something new will bring out a different emotion in me and  where I again begin to question myself with a bit of internal dialogue going on and it feel's like " OOOh what's that " ? until my inner thought just tell me " That's just your feeling's mate , remember them "? .. 

Many years of a Gambling addiction  taught  me to ignore those very thing's that are crucial to a happy life and happy relationships with not just myself but those around me but not anymore , uncomfortable at times or not it's just sometimes a little like that first day at school all over again .

My name is Alan and I'm a Compulsive Gambler ( 1375 day's since my last bet ) and just for today " I will not gamble " x.    

Hi Alan

Great post, great insight as ever. It’s so true that gambling and other addictions allow us to avoid ourselves, our sentient selves. Although I haven’t responded to your diary before, I always value your contributions.

Thanks

Rob

Hi Alan,

Nice post above there. Enjoying the good days and accepting a bit of blah days is part of this journey. 

Glad to read you're keeping your head clear and focusing on true benefits of recovery. 

Reading about see saw made me chuckle....last night me and my colleague were tasked to do something regarding the "slide". It took me good 5mins to work up the courage to ask him what exactly we meant to do lol...all this time i had in my head "sledge" and thought, really...it's not winter, no snow and what the hell all together lol...he very kindly explained to me: " you know...slide - Wheeeeeeeeeee" ..he was also pointing arms up as if you go down the slide lol...so yup, even if my brain switches off sometimes, it's good to have someone who make fun out of it but also educate me at the same time lol.

Now, this is amazing post huh...the subjects we can talk about in this walk of life huh ??

Happy father's day Alan, enjoy, have an amazing tine with family and keep making the right choice.

You're good example of how fulfilling life can be even alongside this nasty addiction of ours.

S&B xx

Hi ya bud

Thanks for taking time to pop by my diary.

I'm good thanks... Riding the wave of steady calm for now ?

I hope you're ok and continue to do your good bidding in and around the forums. You really have helped a lot of people, take it from me!

You know what, I think I'm done with gambling mate... For me it's a bi-product to not being able to stay in control of my emotions (good or bad)... That's really the  challenge at the forefront for me now, as opposed to staying off a bet.

I was in such a mess when I arrived at this site but thanks to the good will and selflessness of others I'm back on my feet now.

In many ways now the real challenges begin for me.

Got some new obsessions to bury myself in (making soup, making music) these are helping me to stay 'levelled out' as I acclimatise myself to this new life post-addiction.

I remain gamble free and on a continued path to some peace and serenity, just in time to watch my son grow up... Thank god.

Been using gamcare as a tool for escape lately and also as a platform to wallow - not sure how helpful to me and others this is.

Will pop back at some point. Until then take care and thanks for thinking of me ?? 

Hi Alan

Sorry to hear about your down in the dumps feeling recently but i was puzzled when you described it as infectious. If there's anything infectious about you it's your can do, we'll beat this, let's, pull in the same direction attitude that infects me. Over 4 years GF is amazing & you're the workshop manual i refer to when i think i'm wilting or getting sloppy & complacent.

I look up to, admire & respect you for not only what you've achieved but what you've done for other CGs on here and this place would be poorer without you.Stay strong & please, please  please continue to INFECT ME.

When things ain't going my way & my thoughts go missing i'm easy to find. I'm either here or looking to make sense of it all at the Hotel California.

You're The Best

AL

Posted by: alwalm

Hi Alan

Sorry to hear about your down in the dumps feeling recently but i was puzzled when you described it as infectious. If there's anything infectious about you it's your can do, we'll beat this, let's, pull in the same direction attitude that infects me. Over 4 years GF is amazing & you're the workshop manual i refer to when i think i'm wilting or getting sloppy & complacent.

I look up to, admire & respect you for not only what you've achieved but what you've done for other CGs on here and this place would be poorer without you.Stay strong & please, please  please continue to INFECT ME.

When things ain't going my way & my thoughts go missing i'm easy to find. I'm either here or looking to make sense of it all at the Hotel California.

You're The Best

 

AL

 

 

Morning AL 🙂

Thank's for your kind words fella but far too many compliments for one post buddy and not one's I feel worthy of TBH . 

I was fortunate enough to have a great amount of support when I first arrived here which just like yourself helped me through a very dark period of  my life , without that support I don't even think I would be here anymore ? So for me it's just about passing it forward and helping others in any way I can  with their struggles.

I think the biggest relief I found on arriving here was that " I wasn't alone with this addiction " and wasn't the only one suffering in silence ......... It's good to talk mate and just to get it out there sometimes :)) . 

 I know from experience now that we can beat this and  Seeing the change in people like yourself and others when they've got some gamble free time under their belt is all the satisfaction I need . 

Your doing so well old friend , which is clear to see in the way your post's have become much more positive and where your now looking forward to a different kind of future than the one you and I would of had if we hadn't stopped Gambling . 

Keep doing what your doing  AL because it's working :)) 

All the best mate and sincere best wishes 

Alan . 

Ps , do you have a recovery diary page as I couldn't find it anywhere or maybe " Me being an Old git I  missed it " ? . :((