Welcome to the " Hotel California "

If u want hugs lay off the fish and chips x

Look....I know it's half term...and your probs busy with kids and grockles....but you could of popped on and said high.....
I'm concerned you may have fallen in the fryer. ...or run off with a French tourist.....mwahhhh x

Alan... How are you, where are you and what's cooking? I do miss hearing from you... Drop by and say hi when you resurface :o)

(I have images in my head of you surrounded by your harem and having to inconveniently fight them all off just to get a moment or two to check-in with us) is this the case Alan

Over the last few day's I've thought about posting , changed my mind many times then written and rewritten post's about what's been happening in my life since October..ish which according to my diary is the last time I was here but then " Time does fly these day's " .

Lot's has happened in my life but the more I look at what I'd written before I decided to post today the less it seems that important and to be honest it's just life dealing it's usual hand of good and bad card's ( mainly good though ) and I'll take the up's and down's of this life over the life I've left behind as a compulsive gambler anyday .

I'd be lying if I said I didn't read the forum most day's but tend to keep to the recovery diaries as the newbie's are the one's I find tough to take , perhaps because there's so much pain involved with them ?.

I now know from my own experience of 1250 ish day's of being gamble free that there's a whole different world out there and just wish there was some kind of pill that would in an instant grant them the power to visualise that world, to see what I know see and appreciate, if like I they simply stopped gambling .

It's only my opinion but I feel as addict's we want everything in an instant , wealth , happiness , great social life , wonderfull family life and all the trapping's along with it , I know I did so it makes sense to want to live a gamble free life without having to wait and certainly without the effort of " Recovery / Rediscovery " . I never wanted to have to wait for the thing's I craved by working for them and saving so gambling served the purpose , it offered me the chance to win it all in an instant and solve all those problems in the push of a button or by filling in a betting slip but of course it was all " Smoke and mirror's" designed to take rather than give .

Time away from gambling has really allowed me to stand back and witness my flaws ,probably for the first time in my life all that stuff that my imaginary world wouldn't allow me to see or if it did then to ignore making permanent change to my damadged way's comes slowly me think's and sometimes it takes me a while to identify where I go wrong and some day's I have to go away and think about it for a while longer but I do identify them so I'm feeling that's progress indeed :)) .

Something I'd been reading on the forum recently about the changes to the stakes on the Fobt machines struck a chord with me recently , it was those very machines or the fact that they were my poison of choice that led to me almost ending it all so I feel I have enough experience to comment .

The post's I read regarding the lowering of the stakes on these machines come accross as though it's the end of the problem but from my own experience had this happened while I was still in full blown gamblemode I'd have just switched my attention to another form of gambling or maybe just spent longer than usual in the bookies ( if that were possible ) playing for lower stakes , either way it wouldn't have stopped that's for sure , believe me it ain't about what you play , it's the fact that you do play and you can't stop playing .

Don't get me wrong anything that makes you lose less than you would normally do is a great idea but as sure as eggs is eggs they'll find a way around it but please don't kid yourself that lowering the amount will make you stop .

For me it had to be about me firstly wanting to stop gambling . to stop the deceit and the lies and the whole bull sheet life I was kidding myself I was living and supposedly enjoying and secondly embracing the changes that lay ahead .

I alway's enjoyed gambling and if I'm perfectly honest I would still gamble today if I could have a healthy relationship with it but for me that's not an option anymore but willingly accept . It is tough some day's I'll admit , still I have day's where I would like nothing more to run away to the bookies to forget life's down times or the day's the big bill's come rattling through the letterbox in quick succession I have the thought's of " Winning what I need " or " I can do it this time can't I " ? " 3 yr's away from gambling and I'm cured for sure " and most importantly " Who would know " ? .

The truth is the fact that I still occasionally think this way tell's me all I need to know I'm not cured and never will be but I am in remmission and with regular checkups and a bit of self care I know I'll be just fine .

I've never been a fan of change in my life ( not the fella on here by the way and I hope you nail this addiction this time mate x ) but I've alway's preffered to stick to what I'm comfortable with which kinda explains why it took me 40 odd yrs to realise I had a gambling problem and more importantly to admit it , so another major step forward is the long line of estate agent's I have coming in at the moment giving commercial valuations which will then to enable me to focus more on the fostering with my lady :)).

I have a wonderfull partner with whom I have some occasional in depth discussions about gambling and addiction in general , she knows I've been honest and haven't gambled since we had that difficult conversation a few years ago and her trust in me is all too apparent these day's :)) , She'll never get it and I don't believe any " Non Addict " ever will( I struggle myself sometimes) but the fact that she's even interested and is by my side is all I'll ever need . xx .

My kid's are all fine as are the other's we care for and some day's it's like the Von trapp family as we go walkabout :0))

A roof over my head and food in my belly( Bal know's how that feels :)) Sorry Admin ) and life's Ok but alway's "One day at a time" which suit's me just fine .

I don't want this post to say " Look at me and how well my life's going " but for anyone who reads this and is struggling I'd say just keep pushing forward , be honest to those youv'e kept your secret life from and seek the help you need for your journey ahead , it will and it does get better ( not overnight ) but day by day .

Bal , Loxxie , Signalman :)) Many thank's for your messages I do look out for you all and keep an eye on you from afar and soo glad your all doing so well , long may it continue :)) xx .Oldham (Martin ) and Jason much love and best wishes to you all xx

Wishing everyone well " Old and New " xx

Alan xx

You still alive then.......

Nice to hear from you matey and get a special mention. A bit late for the brickie. Tucked up in bed. Getting on a bit now

Hugs x

So good to hear from you Pops x

Alan.
Fella you write with such passion, it fills me with a desire to live the life that is indeed on offer for us the day we are ready to step out of one controlled by the compulsion to gamble.
Because for me it is profoundly better than the one that life delivers.
I work for a fella occasionally who I believe has been frequenting your chippy, he is off to Italy for a touring holiday and has been learning Italian as a result. he was so complimentary about the fish suppers he treats himself to after each lesson and even more so the fella frying them up that I believe that he is talking about you.
I may be wrong? I hope not and believe me it's credit due.
I hope if it is true that I shall pass by some evening soon and be able to shake your hand.
It's a small world we live in and I have found that since I opened my eyes to it I have had the pleasure of meeting some truly amazing folk.
Keep making the right choices for you and yours.
Abstain and maintain
Duncs stepping forward never back.

Wow we have a veteran of GF. Hope life continues to keep you busy. And thanks nearly 2am and that tune is singing away in my head. Keep smiling.
Goodnight..
Bella xx

They're livin it up in the Hotel California, what a nice surprise... Nite..

I knew you'd be watching over us all.....#feelingloved#
Lovely post Mr fish. ...so glad to read all is well....all is normal in you're life.....and totally get everything you wrote......
Funny isn't it.....I actually now get a buzz from dealing with normal life's c**P....along comes a problem.....and I sort it !. ..although I spose I mean ....I get the buzz....when I've sat back once said problem is resolved....but least I've sorted it...not run to the slots ....
Anyhooooos.....I trust you'll get what I mean....
Hope those commercial estate agents do you proud.....and you're soon on you're way to a different chapter in you're new life.....excitingggggg......and you'll probs loose weight with no chips to Nick !
I keep my eyes on the old boys here.....there all behaving at the mo.....and it's nice to know you're watching over us.....
Take care .....big hugs xx

Alan

I've been waiting patiently for you to return to these shores so I could properly thank you for all the support and guidance you gave me 6 months ago.

Thank you so much.

I feel like I've gone a long way to go but after reading your post today I've sort of realised that the length of the journey is probably never ending. Therefore focusing on completing the journey and day counting to that means is pretty much irrelevant, I should probably focus more on making the best of the intracacies contained within the journey itself. I've realised after reading that it is still possible to be unhappy and not gambling, but I have the choice whether or not this happens... I can be happy and not gambling if I want, I just have to do things to make that happen... And let some things go at the same time - learnt behaviours, old coping mechanisms and such like.

Anyway... All I know is that hearing from you today feels like a thunderbolt to my recovery and leaves me feeling the happiest I have felt in 2019. I feel 10 foot tall knowing you're about.

When my son is an adult I want to show him my diary and will always make special reference to your posts and tell him "Frankly boy, I don't give a s**t if you become a hotshot lawyer or a doctor or an airline pilot, but what would make me most proud is if you recognise like this fella A9 here the true essence of human existence which is compassion, love and selflessness"

And I hope he understands in that moment that these are traits money cant buy and he should strive for those and not material wealth. He may read on and realise that I went for the material wealth and escapism from life and it didn't work out so well for me. Like you have said - best to find a way to put your arms around life then once you have, embrace it and hold it tight. Constantly letting go of it is too expensive a hobby for me.

So pleased to hear from you.

PS - would you mind leaving an 'out of office' next time you decide to go AWOL :o) thanks

Loxxie wrote: Funny isn't it.....I actually now get a buzz from dealing with normal life's c**P....along comes a problem.....and I sort it !. ..although I spose I mean ....I get the buzz....when I've sat back once said problem is resolved....but least I've sorted it...not run to the slots ....
Anyhooooos.....I trust you'll get what I mean....

Loxxie - yup you've pretty much summed up my gambling escapades before and after in a few short, sharp sentences.

Nice one - it's reassuring to know I wasn't the only one feeling this way then and feeling this way now. Was great for morale reading that

Good to see you back on the board Alan, our loxxie has missed you dearly lol

Tbf I read the forum most days too, but most of the time don’t feel placed to offer advice, because the longer I’ve not gambled the more I think the box standard advice is doing more harm to those trying to stop than good.

Maybe I’ll write it down one day but have a feeling I maybe flogged for it.

Anyway just came by to say hello and it’s good to see you’re still with us after this cold winter

Sorry couldn’t resist

X

Thank's Jason ( You really should be just known as " J " it's much cooler ) just like men in black :))

Great as always to hear from you too mate ,I miss all the late night back and forth's that we used to have especialy with the drunken landlady along for company having just finished her shift ( she'll kill me for that one ) :)) and Martin trying to write on his phone from the shed ( usually keeping me in check ) and Bal with all his talk of " Mars bar's and Irn bru :)) Good times . xx

Guess weve all moved on a little these day's but definately all for the better mate . I get what your saying about posting the same basic stuff sometimes but where else do you begin except with those first baby step when like us you turn up feeling like your world's caved in ? , it's the simple tried and tested things that get you through those first day's and hopefully gives you a kick start to begin questioning ourselves but that's just my opinion .

Just one question why still no diary ? :)) .

Hope everyones ok at your end and all's well in your world :)) ( Hug's ) x

Yo dudes ! I'm addressing Jason as well. ...seeing as he's still homeless.....I know you wont mind sharing mr fish .....
I havnt really missed you Alan....the brickie is just trying to make you feel loved..... ..........argh....hang on a mo !
I don't lie anymore !. ....
We've all missed you.....but like you've both said .....things change....we've all moved on....but I still float about here.....like a little fairy.....not a drunken landlady......marts probs in his shed with Barry. ....tin in one hand......and so on.....
Balvo sat beside a lake somewhere ......asleep !
Right...
I've got things to do......women's work never done......take care boyos .......xx

Like you mentioned the other day, I’ve written a diary multiple times but I never post it. Sometimes I just find it therapeutic writing to myself if you know what I mean?

But all in all I’m doing great these days and haven’t had a compulsion to even contemplate gambling in a long time. I’m sure I’ll write about it and post at some point, although it’ll probably be around 8 pages long lol

Good to speak to you again and same for me I miss the old days of late night posts, and I’ve got a lot of people yourself included to thank for where I am today.

Take it easy

D