Welcome to the " Hotel California "

Nice one Alan. Hope you stick around mate.

You pop in and out as and when you want to Mr fish....no rules on attendance here ...
Our "homework " and "self study"
Is what matters to us now... ( well ...for me anyway)
It's all about what's right for us...and ours. ....
I don't feel the need to be here much lately ( maybe selfish )...
And the doesn't mean that I think I untouchable by my addiction....just that I'm at peace with myself.....and those who matter.....
Yes.....I miss all our old banters on here......we all needed them back then.....we all needed each other....but we're all stronger now....and long may it last...
Anyhoooooos......you look after yourself.....concentrate on you and yours....and that chippy. ...
Stuff the battered chips.....deano is sooooooo out of touch....
Calls himself a brickey. ....you think he would build himself an abode !
Marts off on foreign travel again soon I think.....hope Barry doesn't go as well.....they'll get locked up ...
See you round old timmer xx

.

So went to post last night , submitted the post only for half an hour later to realise that it really meant nothing and so promptly deleted it ?.

My day's now since giving up gambling a few years ago are really quite run of the mill most of the time , I don't very often get any sort of urges to gamble but every now and then something will happen and the " Twinge's " of a former life come to visit but like a " Jehova's witness " at the door are quickly sent packing :)) .

Wasn't looking forward today as a Hospital appointement for a Hip injection had arrived , I've had them a few times now so should be used to it really but it's the whole going down to theatre and hanging around that get's to me , the other thing is that as I've not long returned home from the Day surgery unit and been advised to rest for a couple of day's ( something I didn't do last time ) I can't be with my other addiction of "work " for a couple of day's which again doesn't sit well with me , hence the free time to blurt the day's activities down on my diary .

The positive today is that I have not only some free time with a couple of evenings off but that I actually had a great time with the fella's who including myself were thrown together in the waiting room as we waited for our respective op's .

A couple of them were already there when I arrived just after midday and they'd been there since 7 this morning and were quite ( not suprisingly) peed off at the wait .

I'd struck up conversation ( as you do ) , there was a guy with his hand bandaged up and in a position just as though he was controlling a kind of " Sock puppet " , he'd fell off a ladder painting his ceiling and dislocated it but now needed an Op as it wasn't right yet . We started joking about some paintwork in the room we were in where there were patches missing and I asked " If he'd done it " ? and for some reason we all cracked up and that set the scene with everyone else that came in .

Another guy was pretty wound up at the thought of a hernia op in his umbilical cord , he'd had op's before but the fact it was in his stomach wasn't sitting well with him , He said he was always nervous when he was " Put to sleep " as he put it , as he was worried incase he wouldn't wake up . I said that I used to be the same but got to the stage where if I went to sleep knowing or thinking I would wake to see my family again and for some reason I didn't that I wouldn't know about it anyway , bit of adark answer but we laughed along at the way our mind's work .

The next guy that walked or rather limped in was a huge bloke with tattoos all down his arm's and legs , he had a swollen foot but wore the compression stocking's and Flip flop's , as he came in I said you allright mate ? then smiled and said obviously your not but you know what I mean ( fortunately he saw the funny side instead of beating me to a pulp ) again we all had some good banter and sensing the mood was definately ok asked him " How long he'd been practising to be a " German " what with the flip flop's and sock's ? :)) .

On the somber side it turned out he'd been the victim of a hit n run in Leicester while visiting some relatives about 8 month ago , he showed me the photos of his injuries and it's a miracle he survived if I'm honest , we then had really honest and frank discussion between us all about life and how fragile the balance is , one minute everything's fine and dandy then in a heartbeat it can all change so much :)) .

My turn to go down finally came and I bid farewell to group and I then had the pleasure of meeting a lady in her 60's called Shirley who was in for a similar thing to me , as I walked alongside her as we made our way to theatre I joked that it was a little unfair that I had to walk yet she was pushed in a chair , she said " That's coz your a fat bstd " ( No she didn't really ) but actually offered for me to sit on her lap :0)) ( naughty lady) !!.

When we got to the waiting area I had to sit on the opposite side of the room than her but we had a great chat and she told me the story of how she'd had a stroke on the operating table as a surgeon tried to sort an issue she'd had with epilepsy for a few years and one which had required her to be on about 16 tablets a day in order to control it , the saddest thing was that it cured or made the epilepsy better but she'd had a stroke ........and this had happened at the age of 29 ! ..... but..despite this she assured me she'd led a full a life as was possible and hadn't let it hold her back :)) .

I 'm not sure of the point of this post treally but it just struck home to me ,how for one that a group of strangers can all gel quite quickly even under the most strangest of times ( a bit like here ) and secondly when I meet a lady like Shirley who's strength shone out like a beacon of light , how can I then justify the " poor compulsive gambler me " attitude I used to have ? .

"Problem's .................. What Problem's " .

Night Diary xx

Hey ALN - would you accept pulp fiction and the pursuit of happyness?

I just been watching the latter on my break at work... There seems to be loads of chance encounters that dictate the direction the story takes.

Nice post Al - I don't want to hear stories of you watching Jeremy Kyle tomorrow and Wednesday now you have free time on your hands :o)

Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels?

Maybe " The Shawshank redemption " or " Maybe the magnificent 7 " " Saving Private Ryan " if you want a laugh though for me it's " Kelly's Heroes " or am I going back too far now :)) .

No Jeremy Kyle for me though S as more of a " This Morning " man myself :)) .

Just watching the final episode of "The traitor " , a little slow initially but it's progressing nicely :)) .

Night guy's stay safe x

I don't remember asking for a response from you either ALN as I posted on DD's diary ?.

I don't have a problem with a " Truer / cleaner " recovery as you put it as in fact mine was purer than the driven snow but what I do have a problem with is with someone like yourself telling others " It's my way or the highway " , people have a choice just like yourself so let them make it instead of constantly foistering your opinions on them !! .

Please refrain from posting on my diary again !! .

Good luck with your recovery .

Cheers Aln :))

Dear diary .

When I gave up smoking some 25 yrs ago I didn't want to be one of those reformed smokers who through squinted eye's held one hand aloft while batting away someone else's smoke and making the TUT, TUT noise , after all I'd put 30 of those things down my throat and into my lung's for nigh on twenty yrs so why should I object to a little smoke whafting across in my direction as that would be a little bit hypocrtical wouldn't it ? .

I'm of much the same feeling about the subject of gambling in that just because I stopped why should someone else have to, or if they do then how they choose to do it is of their choice ? .

I frequently have conversations in my shop with some of the young armed forces guy's that frequent it , they'll be chatting about winning/ losing and checking their phones as they await their food . I'll join in the banter and it ususlly gets around to them asking me " If I've had or have a bet " ? and their usually quite suprised when I openly admit that " Gambling and me just don't mix " and even more shocked when I tell them that I have or had a huge Gambling problem where I became Compulsive .

I actually enjoy this bit of the conversation as for me it's the most empowering feeling in the world not to have to lie anymore and as we all know and as I was told on here three and a half years ago by someone much wiser than myself " Addiction loves a dirty little secret " so addiction no longer has any " Wiggle room " left in my life .

I'm fortunate that when I came here and nervously posted on the newbies page I had some great responses and one that will always stick out was from ODAAT ( kelly ) and a phrase in which she said " If your planning on sticking around here's what you need to do " ( thank you Kelly x ) :)) .

Those simple word's alone helped me get through those first day's week's and month's as once I'd agreed to that promise I simply couldn't back out . Many other post's followed all with snipets of advice some I took on board and some I didn't feel relevant I discarded but pretty soon learned on this forum to " Take what you need " .

Some early post's were not so helpfull though , people who wanted me to follow a programme in a certain way and almost deciding that if I didn't adhere to their way of thinking I was sure to fail .

Why would I fail and who were they to judge ?, failure for me wasn't an option , I'd just watched my daughter enjoying herself at her 30th birthday , while all the time thinking about topping myself so there was only going to be one outcome if this didn't work , I know those posters meant well and were only passing on what had worked for them but it wasn't offering any alternatives and that didn't sit well with me , at that time all I really wanted was someone to put an arm around me and tell me " everything's going l be ok " and those were the down to earth kind of people I needed at that time , I came here quite broken and really didn't know where to turn , so someone offering me a simple set of thing's to put in place to keep me safe was wonderfull news as was knowing I wasn't alone in this, so honestly the last thing I needed was to be told I'd have to attend meeting's and follow steps , say prayers and right all the wrong's I'd done ( one thing at a time I thought ) I really didn't need information overload as my head was still hurting like hell from just being honest for once to those I loved .

Iv'e never been to GA to this day , I put blocks in place by trapesing around all the bookies I knew were on my daily route and doing the walk of shame , handing over a form and a picture of my ugly mug but TBH it got easier the more I did and felt quite natural by the end of the day , I left the door open on the casino for a while, then popped in there a few weeks later and had a meeting with the manager who asked various questions then suprisingly said " it's good that you recognise that you have a problem " . I was also never in a position to hand over full financial control , my partner can look at the bank and card statements anytime she chooses but I work in a mainly cash business where there's always money kicking around so for me that was never an option and again I was left to my willpower and the thought of what would happen if I gambled again .

I'm really not anti anything that works for people and I'm certainly not dissmissing GA / Therapy / self help books or shoving sharp stick's in my bottom if it would do the job ( some may have already tried the latter ? ) .

I can't say I'm a great believer in God ( although I've shouted his name a few times throughout my life? ) . I am however a great believer in the power of my own mind and what can be acomplished by my own thought's , indeed early day's on her was spent enjoying a joke or two with some special friends , maybe that was a smokescreen ( or so someone once told me ? ) maybe it was " Fake it till you make it " ? TBH I'm not really sure but it kept me safe for those early months/ years .

I think what I'm trying to get at is that most people didn't want to force things on me they just nudged in the right direction but sometimes gave me the kick up the @r*e I deserved ( even if I didn't think so at the time ) , which takes me back to the sailors and Royal marines in my shop .

I wouldn't dream of telling them , just as I wouldn't tell my son he shouldn't have a bet or watch sport or a day at the races as at the moment for them it's simply not problem and they get the enjoyment that I once did , hopefully this won't ever become a problem for them and they'll go on enjoying it but if it ever develops into an issue then I hope they seek the support just as I did and find it on this wonderfull site .

I was once told that " Recovery is bespoke " ( thank you Dunc's " ).

There's truly no one size fit's all in our crazy addicted mind's , you just need to try and fix yourselves however you can and if the fixing isn't going well then try something else ? but don't expect what works for you to work for everyone .

My name is Alan and I'm a compulsive gambler , no bet for Three and a half yrs (ish ) , life's feeling good and I hope your's is too :)) .

Night Diary xx

Alan,

Nice post.

Congratulations on your continued success. You’re doing a great job.

Tomso

Nice post that Alan,

You know I never gave my money to my wife either, or did I self exclude. I sort of had the idea I had to want to stop and if I wanted to stop enough the others were irrelevant. I did talk this through with my wife first. As you say we’re all different, I did have times in the early days where I wanted to gamble and that’s what I worked on the most. Like yourself I find it empowering to speak to others about addiction, it’s a shame we had to hide it for so long?

Just popped by to say hello really and before you ask yes I will start a diary at some point.

Have a good one x

(*Stands up and applauds...)

Great post Alan.

I totally agree with that post, 100%. Congratulations on your continued success.

Dan

Thank you guy's :))

ALN , I'm not sure what your reason is for altering and removing your earlier post's #75 and #77 to make it look as if weve not had word's today but it's quite concerning , are you ok ? .

@ Jason :)) .

You new the diary question was going to come up again me old mucker lol :)) , I just feel like I'm talking to myself when I post to you on my diary but I do talk to myself quite a lot these day's ( old age thing ) :(( .

Regarding your post, I agree with the whole honesty thing , I didn't have that in my life for so many years and like yourself find I get quite a kick from being that open and honest and also seeing how others react to the bombshell of information I drop on them :)) . Too much infomation though sometimes , I'm not sure ? .

The blocks we all put in place are great initially but are more about giving ourselves a bit of thinking space before acting on urges or impulses , ultimately as a lifelong thing we have to embrace the idea that it's gonna be down to ourselves to keep us safe , accepting responsibility is key for me :)).

Good to hear from you again old mate , stay well and I'll catch up with you soon .:))

Love to all xx