Who am I?

Day 2.

'From yesterdays pain, we draw tomorrows strength'.

Been really up and down today in such short periods of time, feel I am just levelled out at the moment.

Just watching the rest of the movie we started watching last night, just having a break from it, feeling calmer now. I read something in someone's dairy that said 'what's one year for a lifetime of happiness'. It has really resounded with me. My partner is my everything, I will do everything in my power to make things right, I have to find the strength within me to beat this, 'From yesterday's pain, I will draw tomorrow's strength'. I have to believe the future is going to be okay, I have to believe I can make things right.

I wish everyone courage wherever they are on their journeys.

Hi WAI ride out those ups and downs with the support of your partner and your inner strength. Just knowing you haven't gambled at the end of each day is everything I really go by the theory of one day at a time. Take care and be kind to yourself even when you don't want to S:)

Day 3.

Thanks Sharon. I think that we all need to be kinder to ourselves, I will try and I hope you try and be kinder to yourself too. We should treat ourselves as we treat others, with kindness, respect and empathy.

This may sound weird, but even though I've lost everything I feel like I've gained everything.. I have finally gained some understanding. Since coming back here I've started doing things like writing my partner letters/ notes telling him how amazing he is, I've started doing little bits around the house again, I'm looking forward to eating our tea together and planning our evenings, even if that's watching a movie, reading or having a bath, I've opened up to my cousin- a massive step for me, I'm looking forward to having time off and getting things in order, I actually want to iron all his shirts again and fold them into his drawers like they do in the shops, I want him to know how special he is, how much he means to me. (This probably sounds like I never do anything for him, which is far from true, but just recently I feel he's been the one trying to support me so much, making tea's, forcing me to go out, worrying about me, which is nice, lovely that he cares so much, it's just I have realised I need to start trying to be happy again, I want him in my life always and I need to focus on the little things that matter the most, I don't want him to always be worrying about me).

I'm still very up and down, but I have to move forward somehow, I have to start living in the present.

From yesterday's pain I draw tomorrows strength. One day at a time.

Spent a lovely half hour on the beach with my partner this evening 🙂 feeling happy.

I don't know if I should say that after I have messed up so badly, but I just have this feeling that everything is going to be okay.

I do feel happy for the first time in a longtime and I do not know why. Maybe I don't need a reason.. I will just let it be.

Goodnight all. Stay stong.

Evening WAI . Just wanted to wish you well , it's difficult to pick yourself up and face the challenge again . I gather that change means stepping out of our comfort zone and it takes a lot of courage .

Some say overcoming the gambling addiction involves a battle . I personally prefer to just turn my back on the addiction . Ignoring it's whining and the taps on my shoulder . Hopefully as time goes on I will develop the ability to shut it out completely .

Counselling ( through GamCare ) seems to be helping me . On my first session I was asked the name of my GP but was told this was only in case of emergency and that they would not be informed of my counselling sessions . Anyway people have counselling for all sorts of issues and it's certainly nothing to be worried about .

Your now three days into a very noble quest , I sincerely hope you discover genuine peace and happiness . For sure you wont find it by gambling away your hard earned cash ..... stephen. x

Thankyou so much WAI . Absolutely love the poem you posted on my diary . I was feeling a bit listless but you really lifted my spirits and brought a smile to my face . Stephen x

Thank you Stephen for your message. It is hard to pick yourself up again, I wish I had come back here sooner and then I would have received support, been able to pick myself up again quicker and I also wouldn't be in as bad a position as I am currently in. I think the biggest battle for me is being able to control or release my emotions in a positive way, learning about myself and getting back to happiness. It is very hard to think about the money lost, but then I am so grateful to still be able to dream of a future, whilst ever in recovery the future will become a reality. In the meantime, I do want to try and just accept my life, be content and make the most of it.

Yesterday I was on a high, today I have woken up and I still feel okay. One more day at work, then the weekend to look forward too.

Thank you for explaining that about counselling and I am really glad it is helping you.

Glad you liked the poem 🙂 thank you for mine too.

Have a lovely day Stephen x

Day Four.

If I cannot do this for myself I have to do this for my partner, until I can learn to do this for myself.

From yesterdays pain I draw today's strength.

Day 5.

Had a long long sleep at least 11 hours. Have woken up now and still feel abit tired but alot more rested think it was simply what I needed.

Day 5.

Going okay. Feeling okay, not good, not great, just okay. And I accept that, life isn't going to be fireworks and fun 100% of the time. I've done a few things today with my partner.. watched some movies, been to the charity shops and bought a few books, eaten well and had a stroll on the beach for 45 minutes after our tea. It's been a good day all in all, but hard to motivate myself at times.

Well done for staying gamble free! Family time sounds much better than gambling . You're winning already 🙂

Sars

Hoping I can end up staying gf for this long well done

Thank you Sars and Neveragain, yeah on reflection my partner has said he's really enjoyed spending the day with me, so actually it's made it a great day, okay in a lot of ways, but great in the fact that your right Sars- being with the people we love and value is simply the most special thing and a great way to spend an okay day 🙂

Neveragain thank you and you can do this! 🙂

Thank you for your lovely comments in sorry you've been through such an awful time lately I really really hope things get better for you sounds like you really deserve it! I've just read through all of your thread and you sound so much more determined! I really struggle to get myself up and motivated sometimes and I have 2 young children I find the best thing that cheers me up and makes me want to do things especially with the children is music

But it is still so hard when the gambling is constantly at the back of your mind!

Everytime I think of gambling i just come on here and read through peoples amazing stories and it makes me feel a thousand times better to have so much support from people you don't even know

I hope things are going well for you and wish you all the best you can do it!!!!

Thanks again for your recent posting on my diary, it lightens my heart to know that I have helped or made you feel better. Gambling puts you in such a dark, lonely corner but just knowing you're not alone is key. I have taken the decision to not confide to anyone in 'real life' which I know is a debated subject on here but I know it is right for me, so the site is a lifeline and my reassurance that I will get to a GF and peaceful future. Thanks again and take care S x