Years and Years of the Same Cycle

Day 2...taken joy in the simple things in life today, driving round in my car singing my head off...loved it. Got a positive attitude, got my sensible head screwed on but under no illusions this is going to be harder than ever.

Hi LB , Wow ! what an honest post , I actually read it last night but didn't have time to post .

I want to say something but I don't know what ? If that makes any sense ?.

I't doesn't sound as you know what goes on in that head of yours , so I suppose I've got no chance ?.

I'm certainly not going to start preaching to you , as youv'e no doubt heard it all before , but how does your husband not know ?. Is telling him not worth the risk if it allowed you the opportunity to move on with recovery ?

Sorry ! I'm not meaning to pry, so feel free not to reply , I would totally understand .

I'm quite new in recovery 67 days and am embracing it full on , but I guess were all different the way this gambling demon affects us !,

What I was supprised to read was that you said " your not the type of gambler , who would gamble untill the mortgage money was gone ". So you must still have a switch off point of enough's enough ?, and to be honest most compulsive gamblers lack that ability, so you don't really fit into that box do you ?.

I'd love the opportunity to talk you down from that window ledge as it were , but it sounds like you know why, because of the feeling , the buzz , almost the danger of it all and to be honest I don't think anything I could say would alter the way you feel , only you can do that and decide if and when !.

As you say you don't want sympathy, so I wont go down that route but you have my empathy if that will help you ?.

Try and keep your " sensible head" around if possible and stick the silly one in a box somewhere and forget all about it , you dont need that one at all !!.

I really do wish you well and wish I could do more to help , please take care of yourself , and be kind to yourself !

Alan >>>>>>> Compulsive gambler

Thanks for your posts guys....I'm not sure that there is a thing anyone can say to me that can make this horrible cycle any easier it is just down to pure guts and determination something that I manage to have for months at a time and then just go completely nuts because I'm bored?! Sounds totally daft but that's the only way I can sum it up! The bit about my husband, I don't think it's fair for me to burden him with this I'm the stupid cow who's got myself into this position and I am the daft cow who will make sure I get out of it. I must have an off button and the only reason I do stop is because the shame of anyone finding out about my gambling is stronger than the need to gamble so I guess image is more important than betting. I've gone for a couple of hundred days gamble free and thought I'd cracked it but after 10 long years I still have a weakness, nowhere near as bad as I used to be but I can never seem to quit for good. I frustrate myself so much. Well done on your 67 days I hope that you succeed but if it doesn't work out this time just promise to keep trying xxx day 4 today not an urge or a thought about gambling but I have been on day 4 many times before xxx

Hi there

Are you sure your distinction between 'excitement' (your pull) and 'escapism' (others' pull) is real, not 2 sides of the same coin? We all get the chemical rush from gambling.

You know the massive financial damge it does, yet you return. This self-defeating behaviour suggests you are unable to get in normal life what gambling gives you. Rather than being able to sit with a difficult emotion (perhaps boredom, perhaps a feeling of disconnect), you escape into gambling for the buzz.

I might be wrong, hope you don't mind me throwing that out there. I just don't see how something so incredibly harmful can simply be put down to being a need for excitement, well at least that can only be part of what's happening.

Theories aside, you should probably tell your partner. You might find that the honesty, lack of ego brings you closer. If you insist on keeping a secret, then you should try a new approach.

good luck,

Louis

There may not be a thing anyone can say to you but you are wrong to think it is solely down to guts & determination! I had that by the bucket load but by the morning, my addicted brain was convincing me that I needed to get @ least some of my money back & the only way to do that was to get straight back to gambling! Since being in recovery, I haven't done quite the level of soul searching that I perhaps could have & I accept that this may be necessary further down the line (I still think I gambled through greed) but everyday I look @ this site I know that to get here would not have been possible without this place (not only the support but the advice & the warnings) & my OH. I 'knew' I didn't have a problem, I was no-where near as bad as my mother & could just stop if I wanted to but truth is, I didn't want to stop gambling, I just wanted to stop losing! I had a problem & as is the case with addiction, it was getting progressively worse. I hated myself for it but aside from a single hypnotherapy session where I was sorely disappointed to hear he could not make me do anything I didn't want to, I was too ashamed to ask for help (why would I, I'd never asked for help before, in my life). GA is where my Mum needed to go, not me, I was holding down a good job & managing my finances just fine with the help of pretty much every high street financial establishment that existed. Each day I gambled I had to do a new financial plan & I always knew exactly how long it would take me to get straight, until I found recovery, it never seemed to get any closer.

I understand where you are coming from, I really do but time to take your head out of the sand & stare this down. Whether you realise it or not, your gambling/binging will be affecting your children & that's not fair on you or them. What are you doing differently this time? You need to accept that gambling will sit biding it's time & stay on your guard from complacency for ever. You're obviously a very strong & intelligent woman, & it's not my place to judge but I imaging a professional would have a few things to say about your need for 'excitement' in whatever form you choose to pursue. Why don't you give 'normal' a chance, you may find you like living without the guilt.

Even if you're adamant you're not going to tell, why not download some blocking software to break your Time-Money-Location triangle properly? The bank won't always have your back!

Keep on your guard from complacency this time. You want this & it strikes me that if you want something, you know how to fight for it. Time to fight for your future - ODAAT

Hello,

My husband is a CG and he managed to keep it hidden for years, well over a decade before I found out. I didn't know what was wrong but I did know his behaviour was not normal.

Lest there be any doubt about it, "keeping it hidden" involved lies. Lots of lies. Outright untruths and lies by omission ie not telling me what he should have told me. In your case, omitting to mention £70k of debt to him constitutes a substantial lie.

Your gambling is your business, as ever, only you can choose between gambling and recovery. But don't kid yourself that you're not harming him and that you're not harming the children. You are. And you're harming yourself.

CW

Wow...and here was me thinking this was a forum of support....not once did anyone say 'well done for continuing the fight'....jeeeeez. But thanks - with all your comments thrown at me I am now even more determined to quit. You may all think I am in the wrong for not telling my OH but that's your opinion. i don't see why he should have to suffer while I pay back the money I have lost, like i said i would never lose that much money that it would affect bills being paid or food being put on the table and I agree, it does affect him and my kids because obviously if I lose I will be moody but I am not in that sort of a gambling phase where I do it every day. To put it into perspectve, in the last 2 years I have probably had about 5 gambling stints that have last from a few days to a maximum of a couple of weeks. I am SLOWLY getting there and I am proud that I am no longer the gambler who gets up at 5am on a Saturday morning to get a fix before my OH gets out of bed. I am a LONG way from that stage and I am so happy that that is all in the past. I have one last hurdle to get over and it is this cycle of binges that are going to be the toughest because it is easier to 'justify' it when you have gone 100+ days....you convince yourself you just want to win a few quid and you'll be happy and I KNOW that that is never the case because you end up winning a few quid and losing a lot more.

Day 6.

Hi there,

Firstly i shall grant your wish and congratulate you on ur 6 days g free! Great job.

Secondly, please let me to chip in in others thoughts, you will probably not gonna like it because you are clearly keeping that blindfold on your eyes.
You remind me of myself a little. The person i was before i found recovery. Thinking i am in control, nobody needs to know, this is my battle etc...i was also ignorant...mainly to myself, which quickly escalated to the outside world.
It breaks my heart reading your post...you say your moods affects your OH and your kids...wow!!! Is this not enough to try harder to give up?
I'm sorry, you're absolutely in denial here and god forbid....if you get into one of your "cycles" cause you need "excitement" and step that one tiny step too far...
You need to wake up..for yourself and your loved ones...you might not b the gambler waking up at 5am to have a fix....but who knows if you keep carrying on treading this path?....

I wish you well, of course i do, it just saddens me to see how you view all this addiction. You simply don't want to give up and when you will be ready, you will understand what all these posts are about and what are we trying to day. Don't ruin your future, you can if you want to start building your life bk again...don't smash those wobbly bricks with your own hand.

Take care, keep taking one step at a time.

Sandra

Wow...you people all must be perfect. So I may have been moody due to gambling 5 times in the last 2 years.....I'm pretty sure that I've been moody due to lack of sleep/car problems/family & friend problems A LOT more than that. Maybe I shouldn't be on this forum, maybe this forum is only for people who are suicidal/living off pennies in their pocket? So I will do you all a favour and remove myself.

Just to confirm, I am not wearing a blindfold. I know exactly who I am, what I've done and that I need to stop but I will do it in the best way that I think causes as little pain to the people around me!

Hello, again,

You know the one about no man being an island?

Despite the same sort of angry denials, the reality is that my husband's gambling has affected our whole family. It has spoilt the children's childhood and despite my best efforts I'm still reeling. As my teenager says, the fact of his addiction is really sad. My youngest has decided that she won't ever marry because I did and I was lied to for years. As yet I haven't come up with a suitable answer for her. And I worry that any of the children may follow their father's example and self destruct.

So that's the view from the other side of the fence. But people from both sides of the fence are telling you what you don't want to hear. That may be unwelcome but support isn't about blindly agreeing with a position that isn't right. Support is about encouraging you towards recovery.

As ever, the final decision and responsibility for that decision stays with you.

Reconsider.

CW

I hope you don't leave as you can learn a lot here.
You say you gamble for excitement whilst others do it to escape. You say this place is not for you, but for people who are 'suicidal or living off pennies'.
It sounds like your trying distinguish yourself from other gambling addicts. I used to do that too - it meant I could live in denial as I was superior.
In fact gambling addiction cuts across demographics.
If you can drop your guard you will realise advice comes from a universal experience.
Hope you stay around
Louis

Hi Lb1211, Clearly your angry at peoples responses to an honest post , that you put out for all to view ?

.

The key feature I see on this forum is honesty , we show our ugly side and how gambling has made us that way , from all angles , not just those of the gambler but from loved ones that have been lied to for many years and suffered the fallout from a gambling addiction , once the truth is found out !.

So I find it hard to understand why you expect people to pay you lip service , when you make that sort of statement ?.

Of course we are all glad that youv'e gone a week without gambling , we are all very aware of how difficult that it to achieve , so a belated well done . But you must also realise , that you have been here many times before in the same position .

You must then think surely, that something in what your doing is clearly not working , because of the continued gambling binges you embark on , how ever far apart they may be ?.

I as many on this site cannot understand why you would not get this out in the open and afford yourself the chance at least of putting a stop to these binges .!

I don't know your position financially , you may be extremely well off ? . None of my buisiness agreed , however how the hell you can keep £70,000 gambling debt a secret and expect it to remain that way is beyond me !.

The way you have posted on here in the past , tells me that you get relief from telling the forum about your day , your life and how you are feeling about the gambling demon that's? inside each and every one of us on here ?.

So surely would you not feel a greater relief from sharing this with those closest to you ?.

I mean no disrespect at all from this post and as ever your life is your affair , but regardless of the way you feel toward these replies, we do care and only wish the best for you .

Best wishes ..........Alan CG.

I'm a bit lost here. I didn't see anything to warrant the outburst. Hope you're ok though. No one is having a go... just voicing opinion and maybe it's unintentionally touched a nerve? Keep going and keep abstaining. Keep the faith.

Final comment: my husband said that it was a huge relief to him when the gambling came to light.

I will heroically refrain from detailed descriptions of my reaction, it's well documented elsewhere on the forum. My point is that I instigated high barriers with which he cooperates and again, this really does help him. He doesn't want to handle money, I don't want him to handle money so I do it. It breaks the triangle.

And I didn't march out. Our relationship has been hugely damaged. All I can do is give it a fair chance and hope things improve as his recovery progressed. They have for others.

There is hope after telling but real genuine recovery depends on honesty. Stopping gambling for a while whilst continuing the lies by omission isn't the same thing.

Like all the other members who have posted on this thread, I wish you well.

CW