A new life

329 days since my life changed for the better...

How? Because I admitted I had a gambling addiction, not just too myself but to my husband & close family.

Now I am not saying it was all perfect and easy because it really wasn't it was emotional and extremely raw. 

Online gambling was my biggest problem I was on every site you can think of just chasing that big win to make all our worries disappear, when matter of fact is they got worse because that big life changing win never happened. Scratch Cards would be bought everyday one day I bought 29 of them, ridiculous!! 

Now I am not blaming anyone for my actions it was down to me, but I used get lonely as my husband works nights and the kids would be in bed and I be sat there feeling alone and found comfort in going on these sites as they would fill that time. 

When I told my husband he said 'I thought you was having an affair as you were permanently on your phone and very secretive with it'. I made my true love think he was hurting him in the worst way humanly possible because I was addicted to gambling.

The aftermath of everyone knowing kind of ripped me apart as they all had put this big ball of cotton wool around me. But I needed it as I was vulnerable and fragile. 

Now comes the next steps, GamCare were phenomenal with me gave me the best support and advice. I was told how to create the triangle and  put in contact with a Counselling service. This woman was my rock week in week out whatever I couldn't open up about to family I knew my Councellor would be there to listen and offer advice and how to approach situations. 

The realisation of how much I spent hit me very hard, going through the online bank statements and looking at what I spent to what I won was horrendous I couldn't believe the amount I spent the difference was huge. 

I felt so weak and ashamed I wrote my husband a letter explaining everything and when he was ready to sit down I would be willing to do so as he needed to know. We still have this letter and I look at it when I feel I am struggling and it reminds me of what I nearly lost.

Then came the money I borrowed to fund this, it was extortionate. I took out a pay day loan of £480 which meant I would have to pay back £1900 I was so desperate to get money that I agreed to it. Who in their right mind would do that? But I did and it is nobody else's fault but my own.

These last 329 days have been a struggle to say the least but it is 329 days of being gamble free. 

I found life again, I feel free. That dark cloud is no longer there.

When I was gambling I could only ever see my footprints in the sand but once I admitted this and got the right help and support I now see my husbands, my children's, Mam & Dad, Mother-in-law & Father-in-law and my siblings footprints with me and every step forward I take they come with me. 

The tunnel I was in was dark and lonely and admitting this put a little pin pricked of light at the end and as I moved along this tunnel through recovery I found the pin pricked getting bigger and now I see a bright light guiding me out. 

Yes, I wake up everyday thinking please don't let this be the day I lose control then when I go to bed I pat myself on the back and say 'another day gamble free'.

I promise you will never beat the gambling sites you may win amounts that can get you through Christmas or birthdays but they gain a lot more out of you as once your hooked they take everything.

Never look back your not going that way. Take one step at a time it is not a race to the finish line.

I found it better to admit than to get found out. Truth does hurt but lies are a lot worse.

329 days ago my life changed for the better

x Sunshine on a rainy day x