Hi,
Many on here will talk of what they've lost & can think of monetary things only. This is just a snaphot of what I've personally lost. In 2009 my son was celebrating graduation day & I was delighted, hoping to be there & share his joy. I gambled that day, till I was desperate to recover those losses. It ain't rocket science to know that the chasing become more important than what that precious day was all about. I didn't turn up.
Of course I regret all the money I've lost after decades of gambling. My son's a teacher but not in an every day school but a school that takes in kids who've been excluded from every day school for various reasons from drug dealing to violence towards other pupils and violence towards & teachers too. I've picked him up from work & experienced these kids bouncing snowballs off my car, hurling abuse at me & damaging school property on the way out.
He once said to me "DAD EVERYONE DESERVES A SECOND CHANCE ". Probably the reason he telephones me 2 or 3 times a day during Cheltenham, Newmarket guineas meetings the Epsom Derby etc. etc. Sometimes he invites us over for lunch on Sunday. There it is the photograph on the hallway wall, him receiving his scroll his mum, son, sister feeling so proud. The one thing missing is ME. Money lost ?. It's irrelevant.
Gambling emptied my pockets for years, but one couldn't imagine how many moments of joy it took from me. I still struggle with the void, the emptiness. I wish everyone who's trying to escape addiction success. Just want to say every day's a struggle weather you're 1 day GF or 300. A wise woman once said to me if ever you're tempted remember the worst gambling day of your life. Well i 've said it & this is it. Can I relive that special day ?. Can I have it back & turn back the clock ?. All I know is if I was offered the chance of a refund or to add my face on that photograph of such a special day I'd be on that photo.
On the one hand it's a photo of pride & achievement knowing what heights one can achieve despite the example one's father's shown. For me it's a permanent reminder of what I was, where I am & gives me the strength to carry on, refraining. We have a saying up north, the apple never falls far from the tree. Well thank god my apple bounced & bounced.
Sincere Best Wishes
AL
Really powerful post AL. Thanks so much for sharing.
J
Your definitely right. I have lost a hell of a lot more than money like yourself. I never forget the time I was late for picking my daughter up from school because I wanted to have a few more spins on a fobt or when I left my ex girlfriend son in the car outside betting shop while I went in and played on the fobt when I came back to the car he had weed himself. Absolutely shocking and disgraceful behaviour I am deeply ashamed of it because I class myself as a decent person never taken an illegal drug or drink that much but gambling has wiped me out
No words Slow!!! ❤️☺️
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I understand the hurt Al....I really do. Its hard but I found the only way forward was opening up and telling my family all about my addiction. Just opening up about my real emotions and reaching out
You are right....the money has gone but more importantly I lost my self respect and dignity which I'm getting back now
I was ill. I always had an excuse in my head why I was gambling and not even speaking to my mum on her birthday. Stood in a bookies and not even bothered to send a small gift. I could have gone for lunch with my friend or countless better times I could have had
Stood in a grotty bookies gambling to utter extinction makes me shudder now. I've an idea what I chucked away financially and I just can't believe I knowingly or willingly did that.....such is the power of an addiction which alters minds
I was a mess of emotions....truth is I did feel guilty at the time but the cravings and self punishment controlled me.
I firmly believe I am an ill person trying to get better...... not a bad person trying to be good
Best wishes to everyone on the forum
Hi
When I walked in to the recovery program I did not know that I was emotionally traumatized and that I need to heal my pains.
With all the pains I suffered caused fears in me that I did not understand.
Being honest with out fears was healthy progress for me.
I thought if I toldmy family that they would leave me.
My family would never understand my addiction.
They just needed to know that I was unhealthy and emotionally vulnerable.
Being in recovery would help me make much healthier choices in my life.
Yet abstaining was very important.
You can not heal your pains if you are still hurting your self.
The money has gone let go of that.
Stick with the recovery program you are worth it.
Love and peace to every one
Dave L
AKA Dave of Beckenham UK
I read this on Sunday and it actually made me cry. Thanks for sharing, it helped me 🙂
Hi All You Kind Souls Who've Reached Out & Replied,
Todays Snapshot into the life of a CG. Returned from a trip to Durham cathedral about 3 hours ago. Our 7 year old grandson was singing in a combination of school choirs across our region. I wouldn't have missed it for the world, amazing experience.
Not that long ago I was oblivious to any connection be it emotional or otherwise to family members. Sister In Law & her daughter ( wife's niece ) can't forgive me for past deeds as they know of my addiction. They didn't even acknowledge me let alone greet me when we met up. I think tonight the opportunity to convince myself " What's The Point " was there, I felt quite anxious.
Anyway instead I listened to voices of angels, singing their hearts out, refusing to let anyone deny me the opportunity to be part of it. Tonight no-one was going to throw me back into hell's fire. I agree with everyone on here that it's good to open up, tell folk of your addiction. All I can say is not everyone will forgive ( I don't expect anyone to forget ).
I'm home now, can breath, relax knowing I enjoyed a wonderful night of joy, entertainment and pride. There is no past or current addiction an addict is an addict. I know York's Ebor meeting is coming soon, I know before I know it the year will be coming to an end & Kempton's King George meeting isn't that far away. I know in the blink of an eye Cheltenham will be here again.
Today however has helped me understand a little bit better about what matters in life. I know I'm better than the man I used to be. If I'm tempted tomorrow I will reflect on today & through the joy & strength it brought me, I will try to not gamble. When that little fella lined up with the choir, smiled & waved at me he I've no doubt he replenished some the strength that battles my weakness every single day.
Best Wishes
AL
I ll say one thing, if your son ever found out how many people you have helped in your time of abstinence, he would be one proud son, i can tell from the way you write about him that he gets it.
Forgive yourself as i am certain your son since has.
Move on and enjoy life, i am sure that`s exactly what your son would want you to do. Ignore the haters, in fact pity them, they don`t have your strength.
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