Hi
I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, I was also very much stunted with my fears, I had got in to the unhealthy habits of burying and suppressing my feelings and emotions. I was filled with so many questions due to high levels of fear and insecurity with in me.
For me it was important to learn what my emotional triggers were.
My emotional triggers were my pains not healed.
My emotional triggers were my fears not facled or reduced.
My emotional triggers were my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.
My emotional triggers were my feeeling bored and not being motivated.
My emotional triggers were when I felt a lone, lonely and isoalted and I lacked emotional intimacy.
The addictions and obsessions just indicated that I was emotionally vulnerable.
I was so used to giving up all faith and hope in myself. The instant I Said to myself who cares any way was the instant I was giving up all faith and hope in myself. I walked in to the recovery program emotionally traumatized, because as a child I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect , I suffered abandonment which is emotional abuse, because of my life time of trauma and pains I had put up walls of fear to protect my hurt inner child. Because of the large number of pains occurred in my life fears grew with in me I did not understand or even recognize. Sadly the very same walls of fears built to protect me caused me to fear emotional intimacy, it took a long time to open up my heart and my mind to healthy interactions with like minded healthy spiritual goal setting people. A time came when I decided to become selfish, to put as much time and effort in to my recovery as I put in to my addictions and obsessions.
The recovery program is all about healing for me, healing from the pains of self abuse but more importantly healing the hurt little child in me. I use to think that the recovery program was going to control my life, this was not so, the recovery program was going to help me heal from the pains of my past, not just from the addictions but to help me heal my hurt inner child. I had unfortunately got in to the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing my feelings and my emotions.
Over time as I peeled back the onion and exposed more of myself the tears would flow and the healing process would start. People will often deeply fear step four, step four is about understanding what is healthy or unhealthy and recognizing it over time, the change with in us will take time, but in taking recovery seriously our unhealthy habits will change in to healthy habits. Every painful event and trauma in my life had consequences on me and my development, I suffered emotional abuse, I suffered physical abuse, I suffered sexual abuse, I suffered neglect and abandonment, I suffered humiliation and put down, I suffered all kind of bullying and manipulations.
Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure, was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure, was I a rescuer in my life yes for sure, for me today all of these are very unhealthy habits. Why was it that I was always picked on and by who, the reason I was picked on was because I was very emotionally vulnerable, the people who picked on me were in fact victims them selves who never healed from the pains of their past. The consequences of having suffered so many pains in my life was a build up of fears that I did not understand or recognize, also I was going to build high walls of fear around me to protect that hurt little child, sadly those high walls of fear around me were going to stop me getting out and having healthy intimate relationships with other people. What is love, people will often say that they love gambling they love money cars houses etc.
Today for me love is about having healthy intimate interactive relationships with people and living creatures, love is about having a healthy relationship with my self, love is about giving of myself unconditionally, no expectations what so ever, love is about being content with the person I am able to love who ever they are and to not change them.
Recovery is to no longer associate with unhealthy dysfunctional people who were not committed to the recovery program. I use to say to myself that I wanted to be normal, in recovery I would find out that the reference of normal people is not very healthy, so in my recover I wanted to be healthier than the reference used as a normal person. by me being the recovery program I would embrace healthy spiritual values yet I am not a religious person. The consequences of my painful life was I unable retain and understand healthy education and was unable to grow emotionally so that my emotional age and my physical age did not match. This gap was a consequence of having a very painful traumatic child hood. For every pain in my life caused fears in me that
I did not understand. As I face each fear and my fears reduce my trust grows slowly and my ability to interact in healthy ways grows. I had as a teenager tried to take my own life and woke up the next morning feeling even more of a complete failure. This painful period was very much suppressed and buried for the earlier part of my adult life. Once the time of my suicide was unveiled it was a very healthy healing process. During my painful traumatic experiences I had got in the unhealthy habit of burying and suppressing memories and my pains and betrayals towards me. I have experienced both emotional trauma and also physical trauma, my body had reached its pain threshold limit and could not feel any more pain physically , I was told by doctors attending me in hospital that was a very dangerous situation for me to be in.
Just for today I will not gamble was a boundary I set for myself, I no longer want to hurt myself today. By being in the recovery program we heal from the pains of our past the pains of the past become our strength today. I understand today that by going to the recovery program and sticking with it, I am not only a survivor but more importantly I value myself more than ever before. I set boundaries for myself and my well being, by set boundaries for myself I am no longer the victim and I value myself. Today I no longer fear emotional intimacy.
Today I willing to over come procrastination and justifications. My emotional triggers were my pains not healed. My emotional triggers were my fears not faced. My emotional triggers were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations. By me having unreasonable expectations of people life and situations I was effect causing myself pains time and time again. My emotional triggers were my feelings of loneliness due to my fears of emotional intimacy.
My emotional triggers were my feelings of being bored. I can be honest today with out being cruel or adversely affecting other people. I can embrace change towards healthy habits today. My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations indicated that my hurt inner child was not healed. My unhealthy reactions in anger, resentments, impatience intolerance, jealous, envy, rage, lack of trust, guilt shame regret remorse penance person pleasing vengeance mistrust self worth low self esteem indicate that I am not fully healthy and not at serenity with myself today.
The money was only the fuel for my addiction, money was never going to heal the hurt inner child in me. In time I handed over our finacnes over to another person that made it easier for me. By attending the recovery program would help me understand that I was not evil bad or wrong I was just emotionally vulnerable and was trying to escape people life and situations I coud not cope emotionally with. I could not trust myself with money. In time I would exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.This would help speed up my recovery, this would also make me less vunerable and more productive. The recovery program was never going to stop me gambling, the recovery program was going help me want to stop gambling one day at a time. What is happiness, for me happiness is being content with who I am today, who I am with today, where I am and what I have today. Money was never going to buy happiness.
Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child. My control issues were fear based. Am I willing to write down my needs today. Am I willing to write down my wants today. Am I willing to write down my goals today. My impatience intolerance was an indicator that I was hard and cruel on myself. Was I a victim in my life, yes for sure. Was I a perpetrator in my life, yes for sure. What stopped me from being a victim, it was the ability for to be able to speak up for myself from a place of peace.
What stopped me from being a perpetrator, I no longer want to hurt myself or other people in any way today, I no longer want to adversely affect myself or another person today. My conscience is based up on spiritual values, yet I am a non religious person today. How much time and effort am I willing to invest in to my recovery today.
The addictions and obsessions were just the symptoms that I was a very emotionally vulnerable person. Do I escape in any other way today.
For me the recovery program is not about who is right or wrong, is not about who is good or bad, it is for me about myself becoming a healthier person emotionally, becoming a healthier person who respects all spiritual values, non religious of course. I am not able to respect other people until I am able to respect myself, I am not able to love other people until I am able to love myself, I asked my wife Shirley what is love she told me it was giving of your self unconditionally.
Before my recovery my actions and my words were conditional, once in my recovery I got to understand that my unreasonable expectations caused pains up on myself, only once I reduce my expectations and gave of myself unconditionally then I would stop hurting myself and causing myself pain. Am I afraid to face myself in any way today, Do I react in unhealthy ways today, or do I interact in healthy ways today.
I have been in recovery since 1969 on and off, I am a non religious person.The recovery program would help me understand that for me the gambling was a form of self abuse and a way of escaping people life and situations I could not cope with.
Am I a walker or a talker today. Do my healthy words today match my actions. Love and peace to every one
Dave L AKA Dave of Beckenham
