239 days

Hey Al!

Long time mate! Glad you're still going strong buddy.

You know what - at first reading it did seem perculiar that you accompanied your wife to the lion's den then waited outside (self-inflicted punishment?) - but when I really thought about it I realised for a 40 year gambler to stand outside the bookie then walk away is a symbol of someone who has broken free of its clutches and is living his life alongside gambling rather than in fear of it - accepting the betting industry as part of our surrounding life (like a bee sting, or a traffic jam) rather than someone who continues to run from it in fear (sooner if later we run out of gas this way and it catches up with us... Gambling has the stamina of a champion cross country runner right?) :o)

Then what you wrote at the end of the message compounded my understanding of transcending gambling rather than continuing to battle with it.

Accepting defeat and walking away from the fight is the best way to stay out the fight. If those close to you can have a bit of fun with it then why should your inability to hamper their enjoyment. I get that.

Anyway, dont know about you but something spiritual has definitely taken place for me since coming off gambling. Today they showed race highlights on the news and I didn't give a hoot who won, my heart just went out to the horse that suffered fatal injuries. I get that the horse probably went doing something it loved to do, I'm just saying these days I'm so hypersensitive!

I won't be watching titanic anytime soon lol :o)

Keep going buddy. Great to hear from you. Look after yourself.

Hi Signalman,

Brilliant to hear from you again its been too long. Havent posted for a while just trying to deal with the I HATE AL feeling but you know what when i stood outside and waited patiently for her to maker her donation towards the chairmans next new Range Rover i (dare isay it) actually liked myself for the first time in ages.

Its funny how the mindset changes as we progress, not so long ago i would have thought why the ---- should she have a bet if i cant. Well Signalman the answer is simple. Win or lose the bookie wont get another 50p off her until next April.She lost as it happens but for sure she wont be back in there tommorow trying to win her precious £4 back.Unlike me she is neither weak nor addicted.

I was expecting 1 or 2 posts criticising her for being accompnied by a CG and having her annual £4 flutter but like i say im the addict not her and to be fair she asked me if it would create unwanted urges in me and if so she really wasnt that bothered.

239 days ago if someone told me id play no part in gambling during Cheltenham or Aintree i would have laughed in their face. Maybe im just on a high because of todays small achievement or maybe ive simply changed now ive finally accepted never in a month of Sundays am i ever going to win back what ive lost. No fear of postman coming with a bank statement or credit card bill showing deposit after deposit to gambling sites,no more clearing browsing history on my laptop to hide how ive spent my day and no more waking up thinking o*g what the hell did i do yesterday i must try and win it back im in trouble otherwise.

Stay Strong & Stay In Touch Signalman

God Bless

AL

Good morning Al,

I think you did great being able to go and stand outside the book makers and be an observer rather than a part of it and getting lost in the bets and consumed in the chase. Like you say your wife has the ability to just have the one bet once a year and forget about it until next year, whether she wins or loses.

I haven’t really bet on horses or sporting events but i have seen a lot of people going into the book makers and betting on anything whilst I waste my money on the slots. Either way you should be proud of what you achieved yesterday as that is no easy feat.

Me, when I walk down the high street and see the book makers or places I used to reside I now smile and think about that chapter now being closed.

Lastly no one should judge what you did as we all have our ways of dealing with this addiction. You’ve come a long way from when you started, and yes some of these days have been rough but I am guessing like most you are financially better off and creating more positive memories than negative.

Keep going Al. You are doing amazing.

CJ.

Great post mate, I hope I make it as far as you have, the big race came and went and in truth it’s not something that bothers me too much, I had a bit of regret when I saw the end of the race in the pub as it seemed lots around me were winners but you know what I was the biggest winner in the pub.....I didn’t bet and won’t bet ever again if I stick to my plan and stay strong like you.I guess you see those bookies with hatred now, I do, standing outside is a great feeling and I now shake my head when I see folk going in to them, I feel sick to think that is me, a loser.

Hi Holycrosser,

Thanks for posting your support means a lot. Im delighted you too took no part yesterday,as far as everyone around you winning i doubt that mate. You only have to look at the profits of bookmakers to see who are the real winners. You were spot on when you said you were the biggest winner in the pub.

After over 40 years of gambling the betting industry owned me lock stock and barell. My mind was a constant calendar. In March i dreamed of Cheltenham, then the start of the flat season,April i thought of Aintree & the grand national. May was the 2000 guineas, June the Derby then Royal Ascot, and so it went on. There were numerous football bets tennis on top of this it really did control me morning noon & night.

If that sounds bad i then didnt go to bed some nights watching american racing & football. Next morning id take my wife to work get back home and end up betting on some football match in Vietnam or some other country with a different time zone. The more i lost the more i chased,i became totally reclusive & anti social just me my laptop hiding in a bubble totally oblivious to the effect it was having not just on me but on the people i love.

Its not just about stopping gambling, recovery is facing reality and admitting what youve done to yourself & others. Completely changing your mentality,breaking free from the chains of an addiction capable of destroying you and your family.Interacting with family,socialising,dog walks,taking my 2 grandsons to school every morning are just run of the mill for most people. Not for me these are new skills im learning every day.I am fully aware what an unpleasant selfish person i became before seeking help and i cant change the past but i can change the future.

I suppose i hit what CGs call rock bottom when i became so tired of being the slave, and if im honest i know ive turned a corner because for the first time in years i feel im the master and boy does it feel good.I have no access to cash except basic daily living expenses, i attended 12 counselling sessions and i have self excluded as well as a shop ban.

I have a son & daughter 2 stepsons and between us my wife and i have 7 grandchildren. Its April and on the 10th one of grandsons 7th birthday (grand national irrelevant must buy a birthday card & go and see him).May my birthday family will come and see me.( much better than watching the guineas).My mind is still a calendar but my mentality and mindset are slowly & steadily becoming healthier.

You can beat this addiction Holycrosser and im sure you will one day at a time. Rule 1 youve got to want it badly. Rule 2 Accept that no matter how much youve lost you aint NEVER gonna win it back.

Good Luck On Your Journey Of Recovery. Stay Strong & My Sincere Best Wishes.

AL

What a lush reply, I was exactly the same betting wise, u19 litalian reserve sides etc it is nuts.I t consumes you to a point where you lie, cheat, steal.ive not much to live on and haven’t come clean to my OH as I cannot afford the risk of losing her , I know it’s wrong but until you know the person I’m with I don’t want anyone to judge me, it’s a long road...some would say a road that won’t ever come to an end but it’s my journey, my fight back.Good luck also mate.

Hi Again Holycrosser,

I would never judge you and lets face it im in no position to judge anyone given the extent of my addiction. What i will say is it wasnt easy coming clean and telling my Mrs id been at it again after constantly lying and assuring her id stopped. I broke her heart & mine when i finally admitted how bad things had become. The last few months have been difficult in our relationship but slowly but surely things are getting better and i cant tell you how relieved i am she knows everything and there are no more skeletons in the cupboard.

Im a compulsive gambler incapable of being trusted with money and someone that simply every single precaution is neccessary to prevent me from gambling be it having no money other than daily living expenses, self exclusion in short starving the addiction of the oxygen it needs to survive.

I wouldnt dream of judging or telling you to tell your partner about your addiction and the financial consequences. All i can tell you is knowing there are no more skeletons in the cupboard and ive got no further bad news to give her help me stay strong every day. I think admitting to the pain youve caused innocent victims and loved ones, and a determination to be honest (no matter how ugly the truth is ) are an essential part of recovery.

Stay Strong

AL

Just popped by to say hello.

hope you are still clean, I’m sure you are.

Stay strong

Hi Ken,

265 gf days so i guess youre on 243. Well done, Starting to be kinder to myself and seeing the debt slowly reduce helps keep me focused & strong. Grand national day my Mrs usually has her £2 each way annual flutter. I told her not to let my addiction spoil her fun so whilst we were shopping in the city centre she popped into one of the many shops ive been excluded from and placed her bet (finished 3rd so she didnt lose ), but even if she had for sure unlike me she would have walked away without trying to chase her £4. Must be wonderful when you can do that but sadly i dont fit that criteria.

I hope you and your family are all happy, healthy & enjoying life. 

Best Wishes & Stay Strong

AL

Hi Ken,

Just looked on your diary today, im so sorry youve been having a tough times with urges & fancying a bet. At the end of the day what good would it do if we were drug addicts thinking um i could just fancy 1 shot of heroine in my vein today. We both know what would follow.

Lets face it its not just about us, its about others. I know youve been giving your son financial support while he is at university. My boys a teacher and im ashamed of the fact he struggled through on his own, while i gambled from dusk till dawn. Your son must be so proud of you and you of him.

The things your doing right now speak volumes about you. Working hard to support your family,fighting the demons and still finding the time to support others ( myself on more than 1 occasion ). I try to support others especially the younger CGs before they ruin their lives and others.

I was thinking about this the other day and asking myself if i ever gave a d**n about anyone else while i was gambling. You know what i dont think i did, I simply cared about financing my next bet. As you well know i went through long periods of I LOATHE ALAN during my recovery. Now believe it or not dare i say it i like myself much more now than i ever did.

Just for today i wont gamble, will think about other people other than myself and wont lie or cheat. Do i still fancy a gamble some days ?. You bet i do but it does get easier making the right choices as im sure a wise fella like yourself knows, and where we are going if we make the wrong choice.

When i first came on here i thought i was unique, a one man freak show given how long id been addicted but you reached out and let me know i wasnt alone and not unique at all. The support you gave me through the ups and downs of recovery was brilliant. Were both in a similar as far as GF days achieved and i sincerely hope this continues. What youve achieved is far too good to let go of.

Stay Strong

AL

Thanks for the post Al.

It was much appreciated.

Gives me a big lift to know that you are doing so well. I always thought that it would get easier over time, and in some ways it does, but there are days when you just feel so close to slipping.

I'm sure we have both got a whole load of things to work through, from finances to relationships but the biggest immediate danger is always complacency.

Stay strong my friend.

Ken

HiKen,

I think we all think about slipping and have unhealthy urges. Its who & what we are CGs. At the end of the day it comes down to choices. Together lets find the strength & resolve  to make the right choice.

Stay Strong

AL

Hi Ken,

Just thought id look in on you & make sure youre ok. I believe youre on day 259 today, a fantastic achievement well done. Look forward to hearing from you.

Stay Strong

AL

Hi

I  am a very slow learner, it took me over twenty years to understand that recovery was more than just abstaining from gambling.

The addiction just indicated how emotionally vulnerable I was.

The money was just the fuel for my addiction.

I did not value money, I did not value my self.

I did not love or respect my self.

Today I understand that gambling for me was a form of emotional escape and a form of self abuse.

The meeting are the places where I got to meet with like minded people and goal orintated people who wanted to become much healthier people.

In time I got to heal the deep seated pains of the hurt inner child in me.

Love healing and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham