CGs Partners Advice

Hi! advice hmmm! Don't ever give a gambler money to pay into your account. Don't give a gambler your details. Don't give a gambler money. If you do and ask nicely for a receipt, you won't get a receipt you will just get a lie, a good story! You don't want to spend your life checking up on them. Self exclusion proof. Even the bookies let you in! Best advice is get help for yourself. Change the way you react. Detach from the gambling. You know, you don't need to ask. Stop repeating the same behaviour, stop the cycle, find advice and support.

alwalm wrote:

180 gf days is not the end of my journey but a start nevertheless. Ive excluded both online and did shop exclusion way back in September, as far as the bookies still letting anyone in whos excluded ill have to take your word for it. Its something i certainly havent attempted and hopefully will never want to put your theory to the test. For what its worth when i finally accepted i was no longer in control it was my wife i told rather than other family members.

Hell Hath No Fury

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that I feel like self-exclusion by the bookie is just a token gesture as I have completed the process with a number of them and sadly (idiotically some would say) have frequented each and every one at some stage after excluding.

I think I even posted on Gamcare some time ago that I got back in one with my self-exclusion being only a week old.

So...

This is one reason why it is so important for the CG's recovery not to be a token gesture. It needs to be real, it needs to be authentic. I think blocks and exclusions are effective barriers in this fight but any barrier can be broken if pushed hard enough. Genuine self-belief and desire to stop gambling should always be the foundations as opposed to the blocks and exclusions.

I only mention this as I have relapsed so many times, and now I realise that a lot of those times I didn't actually have a genuine desire to stop gambling, I just needed a bit of time off from it. I hadn't had enough pain at those points. Now I have. From all the things you've said over the last 5 or 6 months, I'm pretty sure you have too Al? Go steady mate. You know where we are if you need us ;o)

Hi Signalman,

I did self exclusion the day i joined Gamcare and can i say it was years ago the last time i went into a betting shop on a regular basis. However there were times when maybe i couldnt get a signal on my phone or the b*****r site had crashed which happened on more than one occasion. After gamcare arranged counselling for me on my first session with Carol my counsellor ( who was fantastic ) told me i would have to do shop exclusion too. Immediately that day when i got home i began downloading my ID & photograph mainly to demonstrate i was fully commited to stop gambling.

Ive heard several people on here say theyve walked into a betting shop & placed bets after signing up to shop exclusion. Ill tell you two things.

! I can only take peoples word theyve done this as during the last 186 GF days not once have i attempted to do so.

2 To be honest can i tell you im quite a shy person and if i tried and was asked to leave a betting shop in front of customers I kid you not Signalman i would be mortified. I could never take the risk of being humiliated like that. That in itself is a more than effective detterent for me.

Today when i got out of bed i told myself TODAY I WILL NOT GAMBLE. ( Advice K2 gave me quite some time ago ). Im 186 days GF right now so despite the ups and downs. highs and lows and the mood swings I feel i must be doing something right for once in my life.

So this is my philosophy. IF IT AINT BROKEN DONT TRY AND FIX IT. If i was determined enough im sure i could find a way around online exclusion,ive read so many posts on here where others have. But i can tell you hand on heart never on one occasion have i tried or even looked into it. For me it isnt just about stopping gambling its about being honest not just with others but myself.

Stay Strong

AL

For me it isnt just about stopping gambling its about being honest not just with others but myself.

Indeed. As a gambler the lying to others goes without saying, but we have spent a lifetime lying to ourselves.

I think this sums up the difference between shame and guilt. Its mortifying enough self excluding at a bookies (and some of the cashiers have worked at my ex haunts for decades), but the shame of being found trying to circumvent self exclusion is a great motivator. Guilt doesn't motivate in the same way, I don't think.

After all, we always fely guilty gambling but got up the next day and did it again.

Hi Ken,

True and wise words, thank you for another valuable contribution.I believe its 172 days for you today congratulations and thanks for all your support the last 6 months. Been back to gym this week and trying hard to concentrate on now instead of dwelling on the past.Hope you and your family are happy and content right now.

Stay Strong

AL

Hi All,

Think i may have created some confusion on original CGs Partners Advice post. I was talking about the person i was long before my 189th GF day. Just wanted to clear things up.

AL

Hi

I’m new to posting here- not even sure if I am doing it in the right place but needed to try something.

My husband is a gambler. I first realised 8 years ago when I found out he had remortgaged our home and blew the lot. I chose to forgive him, support him and we got through it. His parents bailed him out with a loan and we have since paid it back. About a year later, I realised he was gambling again. This time, he went to gamblers annonymous meetings and he gave most of the financial responsibility to me I.e his wages paid in to joint account. He still had a bank account but there wasn’t large amounts of money paid in to it. Anyway, 7 years down the line, married with three young children now and I’ve discovered he has been gambling again. Like so many others on here, I seen the signs but almost chose to ignore. I didn’t want to believe that he could be gambling again after so long of being free from it and especially now we have three children to consider. We had sold his car last summer and the money he got for it went straight in to his bank account- there isn’t much left. He has been so remorseful and now that it’s all out, doesn’t make me feel guilty or bad for checking up on him. He is relieved. He went back to gamblers annonymous and intends to keep going back. He has also now closed the bank account he has so I have complete control of all finances. I can tell that he does want help and support. He is so ashamed and embarrassed about what he has done. Thankfully not to the extent of anything like before but has still been placing bets of up to £200. He also has an ongoing bet on the football season which we can’t obviously stop so that’s hanging over us. I suppose I just want some advice, some words of wisdom. Am I being stupid to stay with him? I don’t think so as I love him dearly and he is the most amazing father to my three children but I worry. I haven’t told anyone in my immediate family as I don’t want them to be disappointed in him. 2 of my closest friends know so at least I have someone to speak to. Any advices greatly received. Thanks.

Hi Eij

I am Alan and i am a compulsive gambler. Im 63 and over the years ive inflicted so much pain on my family you wouldnt believe it. There are no in betweens for a Cg he either stops gambling or he simply isnt ready to stop.If youve taken financial control how on earth does he have the means to place £200 bets.

If a football season bet is HANGING OVER YOUS he clearly has access to enough money to finance his stake money. I dont want to break your heart but this man isnt ready to stop gambling.

I no longer have access to money apart from minimum daily needs,( petrol to get my grandchildren to school,any shopping my wife needs whilst she is at work and basic essentials. When i need a haircut my wife has to give me money to pay the barber ). What about self exclusion? has he done it.It stops you from gambling online with all UK sites.

I am not saying give up on a man you obviously love but believe me where theres a compulsive gambler theres lies and deceit, the 2 go hand in hand. Seek support not just for you but your husband too. If he is not committed to accepting what he is and to stop gambling theres no point in continuing unless youre prepared for a life of misery.

Good Luck

AL

Hi AL

Thanks for responding.

The £200 bets have been placed before he shut down his bank account so moving forward now, he has no access to any money apart from our joint account so therefore I can see all transactions. He is adamant he wants to stop and has broken down a lot. The bet hanging over us was placed last summer - he actually got a friend to put it on, this was the start of the gambling since 6 years ago. His friend now knows the extent of his problem.

Also, how do you set up self exclusion? He hasn’t been gambling online- he has been going in to bookies but I would like him to set this up too

Hi there,

You can nominate the betting shops you wish to self-exclude from. These are usually identified by you as those that are close to your home, your work or other activities. To self-exclude from more than one bookmaker in your area, call the self-exclusion helpline on 0800 294 2060. They will then ask for ID and a recent photo.

CJ.

Hi Eij if you go to family and friends section and start new topic you will get more responses from other f&f. Have you sought any help for yourself? Confiding in friends is fine but they really don't understand the torment. Gamcare offer counselling and gamanon are support groups alongside GA. Their website will show if there is a meeting near you. As said you need credit reports. Self exclusion and gamstop need to be done by him. He can show you the proof. Cash and receipts is a way to help. If he borrows from others you won't know. Secrets and lies feed addiction. He is passing responsibility by getting friends to place his bets. He's still saying it's his bet, how? His friend placed the bet? He's still hoping it will win. Keeping the door open, keeping the fire burning.

I will not ask him to stop watching sport- I don’t think that’s right. It’s part of both our life’s. Surely you can’t stop everything! Monitoring the gambling is what we are doing together, attending GA meetings, all financial responsibility to me. We are also speaking about it all a lot.