CGs Partners Advice

He has only been to one meeting as he works away and is back at work. I haven’t been to any meetings as I am unaware where the meetings for family are held. I’ll look in to it. Right now, I feel like we are on the right track with things but I’m aware that I always need to be aware of any signs that it has started again.

Hi Eij,

I dont want to sound like the voice of doom but gambling is gambling no matter who placed a bet on your behalf. I have no financial control at home and im allowed only what i need for basic needs petrol etc. ( id be happy to provide receipts when asked ) but the fact is im a compulsive gambler and thats how things have got to be for the foreseeable future or maybe even forever. To be honest now that i recognise my weaknesses i dont resent this i welcome this arrangement. As well as a CG having the desire to stop i think its still neccessary to stop the source which is the money to gamble.I know this might seem extreme or possibly harsh but there isnt an easy way to recovery. Its a long journey that requires great determination.

Good Luck Both

AL

Telling someone to stop watching sports is terrible advice, she asked for advice on how to help him not push him further away? I’m surprised how many addicts on this page actually prescribe punishment, at least be realistic.

If a friend placed the bet, turn it fully over to him. Your husband will need to relinquish all ties to gambling. I'd second the advice to ditch the live sport but it's your call. Just be aware being too understanding and making allowances can leave you open to manipulation.

You can't control whether or not he gambles. Monitoring his behaviour and second guessing will drive you insane. Check the credit reports for hidden bank loans and bank accounts and continue to do it regularly. Don't trust him with unaccounted for cash and don't give him access to the bank accounts or savings. He might well sound remorseful but you can't trust a word he says without seeing independent proof so don't.

Read up on the addiction and get support for yourself. There's plenty of support for him if he chooses to take it starting with GA and no excuses. Look after you.

Wow! Some very negative comments here!

He does work on an oil rig and out of the country too. I’m not stupid or naive but I want to support my husband in this and I firmly believe we will get through it. Perhaps you’ve not had such supportive family around you!

Also don’t feel like I’m being listened to. He has no bank account apart from a shared one with me now therefore I HAVE FULL CONTROL OF FINANCES! He wants to go to GA meetings, he feels relieved that I now know he has been gambling again for the last few months. He has been remorseful. I am not going to punish him any more than he needs to be.

It takes two people to participate in an abusive relationship and both need help. And if there’s active addiction, there’s abuse and dysfunction and attempts to control and chaos. The starting point for you is to get help for you via GamAnon and CoDA, also Gamcare offer counselling sessions for partners.

You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it and you can’t Cure it. But we f&f certainly try, it gets us to precisely where we are now.

Full financial control is a tool that involves more than a joint account. For the addict, it helps prevent the temptation of unmonitored cash, but only when the addict wants to avoid that temptation. For the addict who wants to use in peace, the barrier can easily be dodged by opening a secret account or credit card or pay day loan or prepay card or telling a sob story to other family members. Regular credit reports monitor some of this activity but the addict has to cooperate and if he doesn’t want to show you a credit report, it’s because there are more secrets. Best to believe what statements and credit reports say, they don’t lie. Gamblers do. There’s a thread on here about mortgage advice which is worth reading as a warning. Generally, the forum is a good place to start educating yourself about gambling addiction.

Focus on you, who you are, what your values are, what you want and need and deserve. From knowing yourself, consider where he fits in. Sounds like your role in life is to save him from himself but that’s codependency, not love.

There’s a difference between negativity and stating reality.

CW

Given the name of this thread was partners advice then I thought I was ok to ask for advice on it. This ‘newbie’ will gather advice elsewhere though!! Some of the advice I will take on board and thank you for it. The mortgage fraud was not actually against me as it was his own property and before we were married. I don’t think I can hold that against him forever or we would never ever move on.

Aln firstly I think you’re being rude telling the lady to stop hijacking a thread? Remind me who made you the boss again? It’s a debate section and she can post where ever she likes. She asked for advice, not to be talked down to.

Moving on...

Do I advocate a complete overhaul of a lifestyle? Yes I do, but that’s not locking my self in a padded room hoping the dreaded bookie can’t find me.

I didn’t hand over my finances or self exclude from anywhere, but here I am?

I know how much hard work I put in to recovery, yet anyone who doesn’t use the box standard advice is doomed to failure? Or they are simply not trying.

Aln the last time I had a bet was September 4th 2016 that’s 2 years 5 months and 12 days, but I don’t need to mention it in every post. That’s everything by the way not even a raffle ticket, although I did watch my kids play the penny pushers at the sea side yesterday? Why is it if someone disagrees with you you have to go on the defensive? Is that your character defect?

If there are people who are claiming to be gamble free and still playing lotto whatever then who am I to judge them?

I didn’t judge you at all, I said telling someone to stop watching all sport is ridiculous. Which it is

You can enjoy sport without putting a bet on, millions of people do it every day.

I respect that you can’t , but that’s something you could possibly work on?

Jason - thank you.

I enjoy watching sport too and I think that it would put a huge barrier in our relationship if I was to insist on such an unrealistic idea but it’ll work for some and also have to be the way for some. I don’t feel we are at that stage. I suppose everyone’s situation is different and what works for some then don’t work for others. Some people will be in deeper and with more debt than others. Things were really bad for us 7 years ago but have been good for a long time and although this has been a step back, I’m hopeful that it is a blip. My husband is determined to beat this. Talking all the time- he is going to message the man who runs the GA meetings when he is away and also has said to me to go with him. I’m hopeful that these are all positive signs to moving forward and making things right again. He admits that if I hadn’t caught him again then he would still be putting bets on but he is so relieved that I have caught him. I understand that he would probably never admit it without being caught and I accept that. I’ve read a lot about addiction so appreciate the pull it will have on him.

Eji,

To go back to your original question, the positives are he’s going back to ga, it’s probably best that he sees that through.

I understand that he hasn’t anyone other than you to confide in?

People like me and your husband like to keep secrets, it’s part of the addiction. So the more people you tell the less chance there is of him having someone to borrow off, he may say he would never borrow off a friend as he’d be embarrassed, but desperate people will do unimaginable things especially when their backs against the wall.

I don’t suggest that you go round telling everyone, I would suggest that he did, telling people can be really empowering, it was for me.

You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve found out about my closest friends and family when I’ve told them about me , they’ve opened up to me too, as they say sharing is caring.

On to the bet that’s still running, if it was mine I’d probably say if it wins give it to charity or buy yourself something really nice with it, whatever happens make sure he doesn’t benefit from it.

Hope that helps.

Thanks Jason- really helpful! A few of his friends know so hopefully he can still talk to them too.

Speaking honestly...

I have never once pretending that everything is hunky dory but - I am surely allowed to want to move forward with this!!!!