Crawling Back Into My Hole

Sorry to hear you’re struggling Al. I understand what you’re saying, despite everything, and I mean everything being better when I don’t gamble there’s always that little thought at the back of the mind. I know I’m happier not gambling, I know I’ll be miserable if I do gamble, but there are times when I still miss it. I won’t gamble though, I owe it to my family and myself to stay GF.

Good luck with your journey.

Sorry to hear you’re struggling Al. I understand what you’re saying, despite everything, and I mean everything being better when I don’t gamble there’s always that little thought at the back of the mind. I know I’m happier not gambling, I know I’ll be miserable if I do gamble, but there are times when I still miss it. I won’t gamble though, I owe it to my family and myself to stay GF.

Good luck with your journey.

Yes AL, I do feel that way. I am not familiar with this new territory of being gf (forever) and being gamble free does not equal feeling good all the time. Being gf only means that I'm not compounding my problems by being active in addiction. tara

Hi Al,

Don’t really know what to say & mere words on here aren’t going to make a huge difference.

In practical terms, how close is your nearest GA meeting ?

Even if it’s 20 - 30 miles, then I would suggest you try and get to a meeting asap. Could your partner go with you and go to a Gam-anon meeting at the same time ?

Have you been to your GP ?

May be worth explaining your situation and seeing if you could get referred for Cognative Behaviour Therapy ?

Failing that, have you tried the gamblers anonymous forums or chat ? I haven’t, but wonder if you might find people with a deeper understanding of what you are going through.

It’s not a competition, and I say this with all respect to you, but can I suggest that maybe your issues need more help due to the sheer number of years you have gambled and the destruction it’s left in its wake.

I’d say stay strong, but really think you need some additional help from somewhere.

In the meantime, please try and sick to a routine.

Before you go to bed each night, write down a list of what you are you are going to do tomorrow and stick to it as best you can.

Hopefully this will include properly walking the dog and getting to the gym.

Self reflection can be good in a controlled sense, but it shouldn’t form the major part of your day.

Yes but Al there was a missing ingredient in my life when I was gambling...a massive one and I was using gambling as a drug to escape the loneliness and general feelings that my life wasnt good

Gambling was not the answer to anything and only made things worse. it was a cry for help more than anything.

I feel much better gamble free and the main thing is I began to understand the mind control of addiction. I feel serene at times but life goes on and every day is not a bed of roses. I have just faced constructive dismissal from a job and its not pleasant. I tell you though that if I was gambling my life would be far worse. That would have been another trigger when I was addicted and it would only have made every situation worse.

You need to keep talking it through in detail why you feel you may be going backwards. Many addicts take a long while to get over the feeling that gambling was adding some fun or meaning to their lives.

I liken it to a drug addiction I had plenty of shots but it was ruining my life and I needed stronger doses which were not fun any more. The truth is I had been addicted to machines since I was 12 years old.

Im off the drug of gambling now and my life has got much better. My mental health is far better and if you want to boil it down to money I have more of it now

I face who I am now. I go out there and get something out of life by enjoying my free time

Best wishes

Alright al, maybe when u were gambling u were spending lots of time thinking about it like a hobby and now u don't gamble ur hobby time needs filling up. Take up a new hobby I have just taken up yoga, along with gym, health spa, walks in nature, visiting family, listening to new music, watching footbal, all sorts now my time is not spent playing poker. Something to aim for maybe a mini goal and if u achieve it you'll feel like you've achieved. Don't get me wrong there are days when I want to do nothing and feel helpless, like I'm really underachieving thru my work and it gets me down but should life be perfect I don't think anyone's is.

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Al,

I know it has been mentioned before (and perhaps in counselling) but did you ever follow up on the volunteering ?

I think your feelings are pretty normal. I was positively euphoric during first few weeks of GA many years ago, but inevitably it can't last. You have to decide how you are going to live the rest of your life.

Everyone needs a purpose.

I know gym & dog walking fill the time, but you I'd say you need to do something where your are interacting with other people as well.

Hey Al

I hope you're more on top of things today, i really do.

You have had some sound advice so far.

Yes life is improving after gambling, but the 'thrill' of gambling is gone now and your brain may be processing it like a loss or bereavement?

Well what can we do about this? Well I'm not sure we can reverse or alter this process as the bereavement cycle is pretty much hard-wired, but with self-awareness we can at least understand this process for what it is and separate thought from being.

Ride it out? These feelings will pass? Mate - I'm sure you've heard this all before but it's true. And these feelings will pass as they will eventually be forced out by new and beautiful feelings/experiences generated by the fruits of not gambling (I second what K2 has inferred re using this opportunity to pursue other things - force the issue re generating those feelings)

Youre giving up the bad times/terrible consequences for good days and not so good days.
The latter is life im afraid mate. Hang in there and give the body and mind time to embrace this unfamiliar territory you've found yourself in.

The body and mind crave familiarity, but with our familiarity comes pain and destruction so take the emptiness over the desolation for now and please have faith that this emptiness will soon evolve into peace and tranquility (and of course these good times will pass to be replaced by the odd s**t day again!) but life will be SO much easier to deal with when we know what to expect and have a sense of controlling what we can and not controlling what we can't ;o)

Keep in touch, keep talking.

Hi All,

Thank you so much for taking the trouble yo post it means a lot. Im probably missing the things i should be seeing right now. For me of all people not to have gambled since August is something i should be grateful for. Ill try and explain as best i can how i feel. Its the realisation and coming to terms with how long i tore myself and others apart. Lets face it anyone can be a slow learner but i abused the privilage taking 40 years plus to wise up.

It scares me when i feel like this because my thoughts tell me YOUVE BEEN NO GOOD ALL YOUR LIFE WHY TRY NOW and that really scares me.Im gonna take all your advice on board pull myself together and try and be more positive pro active and make tommorow a productive day. Just finding the guilt as hard as the gambling to deal with right now.

Stay Strong All

AL

Me again,

I will get back on track because i have to. This is the worst journey ive ever been on. Having said that ive gained too much to let go now.Thanks everyone for your support & sound advice.

Stay Strong

AL

Hey Al

Good to hear from you but sad to hear that you're still struggling.

Just reading ALN's post it reminded me that I myself went through periods of self-pity and guilt of which ALN was quick to recognise and reinforce that a line needs to be drawn at some point otherwise you will never free yourself from the shackles of recovery and start to enjoy it.

Maybe your mind is tricking you - by dwelling on the past to such an extent you subconsciously think it will act as a healing mechanism and soften your woes? But it won't mate - the only way to activate that healing mechanism is to focus on your present day which in turns shapes your future. It's the only way... It's unfamilar to us addicts who like to think everything out until that 'thing' is effectively worn out... But staying in the moment is pretty much the only way to stay on top I believe. I hope you feel better soon.