HONESTY Why FEAR being

Hi

Our honesty starts with our self first of all, the twenty questions never changed but my answers changed over time.

Only when I am honest with myself can I be honest with other people.

Some times people honesty can be a way of transferring their pains fears and frustrations on to other people, that just indicates the unhealed pains they carry today.

There is a way of being honest with out being cruel and adversely affecting other people.

With step five we open up to a person we can trust and in doing so we improve our emotional intimacy with a person who is not emotionally connected to us.

In time we understand that nurturing and encouragement is the healthy way to recovery and healing.

In the recovery program as we get healthier in our self the room it self gets healthier, we work as a team to find healthy answers to gets healthier lives with out anger impatience and intolerance.

Our impatience and intolerance towards other people and life only indicated that I was very hard on myself.

Thanks again for your email and sharing with me.

Dave L 

AKA Dave of Beckenham.

Unfortunately we are wrapped up in a society which tends to fear being honest. For a start our politicians and leaders dont set a good example. You could argue taht its a capitalist society which thrives on dishonesty and making a fast buck

I learnt early in life if you are honest others could take the mickey out of you which stems back from schooldays really as we are all crammed into false environments where others dont care. Many people are insecure and tehy just want to get one over to appear superior

I think we learn to hide our feelings and play it down. We supress our feelings and life can get tough. 

Gambling was an escape from myself and teh world. I couldnt face myself which is the important truth and I was depressed. I have been depressed all my life really and gambling was a hit I first stumbled upon when I was twelve years of age.

I was not honest about it because I senses it was a bit shady and wrong. I think I always new it was a naughty thing to do but it fueled a certain sense of excitement or a buzz that I was a bit of a player or a jack the lad

I think you must be honest about important things. A little white lie to avoid hurting someones feelings is ok in my book

When it comes to gambling honesty is the key. Its a great feeling of serenity and pride to be totally honest about it abd start a recovery process.

Best wishes to everyone on the forum

Posted by: gadaveuk

Hi Louis

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

I am non religious and the recovery program is about healing.

My unhealthy reactions to people life and situations was a kind of honesty that my hurt inner child was not healed.

I am trying to move from being a preacher to being a nurturing and encouraging healthy person, to demonstrate healthy interactions.

My unhealthy reactions to people at Christmas and special occasions indicated that there was history that had not been resolved or healed.

The wording dysfunctional was used in the recovery at the beginning of my recovery.

Today I understand that dysfunctional behavior was not being able to interact in healthy ways.

That dysfunctional behavior is about blaming which is victim based unhealthy behavior.

That dysfunctional people fear emotional intimacy because of the pains of their past.

The sad fact that dysfunctional people think an apology is about who is right or wrong.

For me an apology is about healing relationships and moving on from the past.

Some people might even think an apology indicates that a a person is weak and that is not true.

In the rooms of recovery we are able to see and feel our self in other people with out being emotionally involved with the pains of those people.

The therapies help us see and feel who we were but more importantly who we can become.

Sadly in my recovery I felt guilty even when I had done nothing wrong.

Being in recovery and started to heal we understand who were yesterday is not who we are today.

No one could stop me gambling that was for sure.

I did not stop from day one that is very true.

Yet by abstaining from my addiction I was no longer causing myself further pains.

Once I stop causing myself pains there is a good chance that my inner child can come our and heal once and for all.

How much do you want to be healthy today.

Love and best wishes to you.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi Dave

i typed a reply yesterday but it didn’t publish for some reason.

Anyway, thanks for the post. And respect for taking some criticism well.

You make some good points. In particular, re apologies. Since entering a period of sustained self-reflection and change, I really value my newfound ability to apologise far quicker.

this is particularly true with my partner and arguments. ‘Is there room to apologise?’ is a question I try and put to myself in the heat of battle. There’s normally an affirmative answer.

Also your point re guilt when done nowt wrong - this resonates. When you practice avoidance (which is what addiction is) you lose touch with your values and lose your sense of purpose.

As long as we’re hiding we’re not doing what’s important in our lives. And the more we hide the greater the walls, the greater those psychological barriers become. Cue more avoidance. Etc 

You can also lose track of what’s your fault and what’s not. There’s just this sea of self-blame. Or repressed self-blame; manifesting itself in c**P ways. at least that’s me.

In my case this self-blame manifested itself in a kind of people pleasing-need for acceptance. Except, unlike an effective people pleaser who makes you feel good, my neediness I think made people uncomfortable!

incidentally, I know elsewhere you talk about anger being unhealthy. I disagree with this, at least in part. As someone who’s learned to repress their emotions- I think it’s important to have these emotions as a ‘felt’ experience.

Although I caveat that by saying that ‘dwelling’ in anger can be really toxic.

Also, I need to look under the bonnet when I’m angry. what often first appears to be anger is really sadness or fear. 

Anyway all the best Dave

Louis 

IS BEING ANGRY HEALTHY

Is MY anger due to my pains not being HEALED?

Is MY anger due to my fears not being FACED?

Is MY anger due to my FRUSTRATIONS?

How can I heal my inner child?

How can I face and reduce my fears today?

Can I reduce my expectations of life people and situations?

Can I give unconditionally without any expectations?

What are my motives today for doing anything?

How do I over come my fears of aggression and confrontation?

Why do I fear being honest today?

Do I internalize or feel responsible for how other people feel today?

Is trying to control life people and situations fear based

Am I in any way a suppressive aggressive or expressive aggressive. Person pleasing is conditional. I asked my wife what love was. Her answer giving of ones self unconditionally. In the recovery I found that was true for me. So when I give today not at all, in if I do things unconditionally I was always dissapointed and then anger came and I hurt myself with pains came in to play. The recovery has asked me to give of myself unconditionally. Even when I do some things for other people I do it for myself. Our healthy actions and our healthy words that maker us feel proud of our self. Guilt shame regret remorse all emotions and feeling that are caused be cause I have a coscience, when I adversely affect another person I hurt myself and my relations with other people. The serenity prayer helps me understand the only thing I can change is myself. The serenity prayer helps me understand that my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations is my responsibility. The question how much time and effort am I willing to invest in to myself today to become healthy.

Posted by: gadaveuk

IS BEING ANGRY HEALTHY

Is MY anger due to my pains not being HEALED?

Is MY anger due to my fears not being FACED?

Is MY anger due to my FRUSTRATIONS?

How can I heal my inner child?

How can I face and reduce my fears today?

Can I reduce my expectations of life people and situations?

Can I give unconditionally without any expectations?

What are my motives today for doing anything?

How do I over come my fears of aggression and confrontation?

Why do I fear being honest today?

Do I internalize or feel responsible for how other people feel today?

Is trying to control life people and situations fear based

Am I in any way a suppressive aggressive or expressive aggressive. Person pleasing is conditional. I asked my wife what love was. Her answer giving of ones self unconditionally. In the recovery I found that was true for me. So when I give today not at all, in if I do things unconditionally I was always dissapointed and then anger came and I hurt myself with pains came in to play. The recovery has asked me to give of myself unconditionally. Even when I do some things for other people I do it for myself. Our healthy actions and our healthy words that maker us feel proud of our self. Guilt shame regret remorse all emotions and feeling that are caused be cause I have a coscience, when I adversely affect another person I hurt myself and my relations with other people. The serenity prayer helps me understand the only thing I can change is myself. The serenity prayer helps me understand that my unhealthy reactions to people life and situations is my responsibility. The question how much time and effort am I willing to invest in to myself today to become healthy.

Woah Dave. I thought there was a conversation going on. Why the return of the GA-bot?

Yes I agree with cardhue. Not really a wrong word Dave but your  replies are a bit robotically written for me and not easy on the eye.

It could get a little heavy for some and you dont have to write a full mantra every time. 

You are not wrong in what you say and who am I to tell you how to express yourself...just mentioning it like 🙂

Best wishes to you all

Hi

Thank you for your comments.

I most certainly over do it for sure.

Yet recovery enables me to not only heal but also live a very healthy productive life.

My honesty and my program is important to my relationship with myself and other people.

The web site enables people to question every avenue of recovery from many perspectives.

At the end of my day I want more from life than just abstaining.

For abstaining only means I have stopped self abusing myself.

I use to live in fear of questions I felt that questions were undermining me.

My questions at the beginning of my recovery were due to my insecurities and inadequacy.

My questions today are based on me wanting to understand more about being the healthiest person I can be.

Will people understand my journey in my recovery, will they relate to my experiences.

From day in my recovery could I be honest with myself.

From day in my recovery could I feel that any one could help me help myself be healthy.

My unhealthy reactions to life people and situations helped me how unhealthy  I was.

I understand today that my fears are related to my trust issues.

That my reactions to other people indicate I am still insecure in myself.

In our family our fearlessness indicates how healthy our family is today.

A healthy meeting with healthy therapies has no fears.

Love and best wishes.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

I am sorry I do get carried away.

I will try and keep it short.

I am very excited at the thoughts of my recovery.

Thank you

Dave L

Posted by: gadaveuk

HONESTY

Why FEAR being honest?

Is it that we feel that being honest is painful?

If we are honest do we fear being rejected or abandoned?

 

Hi

Fear of being honest started from a very early age because when I was honest I was punished of being honest.

I felt that being honest would always be painful.

Then there is the unhealthy habit of putting on a facade to person please people, that was not healthy.

I tried to make people like me and accept me, tell jokes, put on a smile when in side of me was crumbling down.

I do understand that every pain in my past that was not healed or resolved caused fears in me that I did not understand.

Because of my many fears made worse by my lying a point would come when I would go int to panic mode.

I could not think clearly I could not listen to healthy advice and would make very unhealthy choices.

It is important to reduce our fears one by one.

In asking myself what is the very worst that can happen and am I willing to accept teh very worst my fears reduce instantly.

It is important though to understand and face our very biggest fear first of all.

This healthy habit of facing our fears the biggest fear first of all means that every fear after that is easier to face.

As our fears reduce our going in to panic mode becomes far less and less.

It is not healthy living in fear it stunts us, it restricts us from having healthy productive lives and over coming our fears of emotional intimacy.

As our fears of emotional intimacy reduce we have better more open relationships with our and with other people.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi Louis

No your honesty towards me is very much appreciated.

I use to fear gatherings and felt that I needed to have a few drinks before large gatherings.

You say from your observations you gained recovery.

My reactions towards certain steps indicated that I had trust issues.

I found that step four and step five I felt uncomfortable talking about.

For me step four was identifying both healthy and unhealthy aspects of my life and who I was.

For me step five helped me open up to certain people, once I over came that fear and my trust issues my honesty grew in my therapies in open rooms.

The hardest to over come was procrastination which took time to be and get motivated and do things in a healthy ways.

Thank you

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

Yes I do tend to over do it.

I do not want to feel that I am pushing myself on to other people.

I do know for me there were lots of people who told me you have to do this and you have to do this.

That made me back off considerably.

I do try and keep it in the I wording.

Yet I must admit I do hope that people take recovery seriously as soon as they can to save them self a lot of pain and suffering.

I am fortunate that I was able to put a lot of time and energy in to my recovery which paid off great benefits to me and my family.

No more guilt shame regret, I live for today only.

Thank you fro your honesty.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi Louis 

I use to feel responsible for how my partner use to be, even when I was not causing her pains any more.

I have found that most people go in to relationships with some emotional baggage.

Now and again Shirley my wife is angry, I ask her do you want to talk about it.

Shirley will often say no and I accept that fact.

I do apologize to repair the relationship if I can.

Again my idea of healing and another persons idea of healing may not be the same thing.

Yes default response to feeling guilty was an instant reaction, not healthy living that way for me.

My fear of aggression and confrontation was down to my parents rage and anger.

I use to feel it was my fault that they were angry.

My feelings of feeling guilty was also an instant reaction, did not even need to think about it, today not so.

You say we practice practice avoidance deviation escape, for me it was all fear based.

Yes you tend to give up faith and hope in your self and have low self esteem.

Telling lies is hiding the truth and it causes more fears in us.

Yet why do we lie, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment, fear of pains.

Yes the big walls of fear protect our hurt inner child.

The very same big walls of fears stop us having close intimate relationships.

You can also lose track of what’s your fault and what’s not.

That is down to our own accountability being fair and just towards our self.

Do you think your self-blame was long before your addictions and obsessions.

Yes people pleasing need for acceptance was very unhealthy for me.

Make people laugh person please them by telling them what they want to hear.

Not being comfortable being our self.

I do certainly believe that anger is being unhealthy.

Thank you for not agreeing with me.

You say repress their emotions and feelings, this is for me a sub conscious behavior again from a very early age.

Our feelings and emotions as a ‘felt’ experience.

I think that dwelling in anger can be really toxic.

I would say that would be identified as resentments which is a person remaining the victim.

The reason I was victimized often in every way was due to the fact |I was emotionally vulnerable and could not speak up for myself or stand up for myself.

To stop being the victim I needed to speak up for myself from a place of peace.

To set boundaries for myself and to value myself.

I do not see or think that boundaries can be set from rage or anger.

Anger for me can be an unhealthy reaction to my pains not healed.

Anger for me can be an unhealthy reaction to my fears not faced.

Anger for me can be an unhealthy reaction to my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations.

Thank you so much for sharing with me.

Love and peace to every one

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

Only when I was free of all fears would counselling work for me.

Our honesty is being our self and not having any facades.

Once people move on from telling war stories talking about money or of being in action we start to talk about our emotional vulnerability.

The saying that honesty is the best policy is enabling us to live life with out any of our fears.

My relationship with myself comes first, the twenty questions yeses indicate how honest I am with myself.

The gambling was not the problem I was the problem.

The gambling was was just the symptoms that I was emotionally vulnerable.

The gambling was a way of me escaping people life and situations I could not cope with.

The same with being the same person with every one, no longer the facade built on fears.

My conscience is based up on spiritual values, when I go against my conscience I cause myself pain due to guilt shame remorse.

I am in a spiritual recovery program yet I am not a religious person.

As I get healthier I embrace spiritual values and it helps with my relationship with myself first of all, then with my relationship with other people.

With each lie comes fears, today I think that my lies are not worth while and are unhealthy.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi Louis

The recovery program works because there is no emotional issues with people, we have no history or issues from our past with people attending meetings.

Sadly because of emotional ties to my family I understand that my unhealthy reactions to my family indicated that I feared them in some ways.

When we talk about our past pains in the rooms there is no blame to any one.

The recovery program is understanding why were emotionally vulnerable, when we started feeling emotionally vulnerable, how we can heal from our past, and then move on from our past.

People will often say that the reason why we gambled was just an excuse, for me I needed to understand why and how I was emotionally vulnerable, more importantly how can I change that unhealthy reaction to run and escape my emotionally vulnerability.

It is possible to be honest with out adversely affecting other people.

Hence in my recovery it is not about who is right wrong, it is not about who is good or bad, it is about what is healthy or unhealthy.

Using this wording healthy or unhealthy avoids people taking offence or views as critism.

The wording honesty is the best policy indicates to me that healthy interactions are important to me being healthy in my relationships with myself and then with other people.

If I am not able to be honest with myself, I am not able to be honest with other people.

My unhealthy reactions in anger resentments jealousy hatred impatience intolerance judgement vengeance frustrations indicates that I am not a peace with myself, that I am not healed, also that I am being hard on myself.

My unhealthy reactions indicates that my inner child is not healed as yet.

I have been asked when do you know when you are ready for counselling, for me it is when you are able to talk about any moment in time in your life with out any fears holding you back.

I have 11 counselors in my time, some were very helpful for certain periods in my life and exposed some deep seated sub conscious issues buried from my teen age years.

I even tried to take my own life once and then blanked it out as if it never happened.

When I walked in to the recovery I was seriously emotionally traumatized, not just from my child hood but due to pains I caused myself.

I have moved from risk taking and dangerous habits in to healthier habits, I am the person who keeps to the speed limit, I am the person who gives way in courtesy, I am the person who shows gratitude and appreciation.

The very last thing I want to do today is gamble, I do not hate gambling establishments they never hurt me I hurt myself.

Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child.

Money was never going to make me happy or make me feel successful.

Love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham

Hi

People can be honest with out adversely affecting other people.

In the past my justifications were an indicator that I may have adverse effect on other people.

I found that if my message is going to hurt some one it is not healthy.

My wife explained to me very clearly that any deception is a lie.

Sadly when I held back from being honest it was my problem.

Often a person in recovery will hold back being honest about some very small amount of money owing, sadly if a partner finds out about this small debt they will often assume there are other hidden lies.

It is the pains of betrayal that hurts people, yet sadly I would justify being deceptive in so many ways.

One day I was in an airport and my wife how I was feeling, I told her I was panicking, she would not believe me,  sadly my facade over many years I convinced her I was this confident person who never panics and never loses control, for me no allowing people to see how vulnerable I was.

Now the question why at that moment did she ask me how I felt.

What I was feeling was it showing in my expressions and my body language.

Before my recovery I would answer the question how are you with I am fine or not so bad, that was a lie, often people knew some thing was not quite right with me.

So by me opening up in the rooms of recovery over time I was able to be more honest with my family.

Honesty is the best policy, I questioned why that was so.

Today our relationship in the rooms is based of how honest we can be today, the less fear I have the more trust I have in me.

One Christmas a friend of mine who is a pastor asked me to spend Christmas day with him his family and both parents of the married couple.

The daughter came and whispered in my ear  that she loved me, I whispered back that I loved her.

The daughter came and again whispered slightly louder in my ear  that she loved me, I whispered back that I loved her.

The daughter came and back again shouted loudly at me that she loved me, I spoke back that I loved her again.

Now the room was very curious to this event.

I understood that they lack of fear indicated that they were talking to my inner child not the adult.

Hence with out speaking children will not only smile at me they will talk to me.

I understand that my healing process has only gone back to when I was about seven years of age.

Before I was seven years of age abuse is still buried.

There is a picture of me playing a piano in a school show, a person assumed that I knew hot to play a piano, I said not so, I explained that due to the abuse I experienced when I was about seven years of age I had buried my pains and lots of experiences, both healthy and unhealthy. 

So is that inner child able to come out and play today.

Will I let fear stunt my emotional growth today.

Is my physical age and emotional gap reducing today.

Do I fear the telephone today, do I fear the post today, do I fear people coming to our front door today, do I fear talking to our neighbors today, do I fear change and challenges today, do I fear being myself challenges today, do I fear exposing my emotional vulnerability today, do I fear having my steel being tested today, do I fear telling my family I love them today, do I fear the opposite s*x today, do I fear being ignorant today.

Life is to short to cheat myself any more, I have had cancer seven years ago that made me feel very vulnerable, yet also helped me understand what is important in my life today.

Showing my gratitude and my appreciation is not about person pleasing, is not about peneance, showing my gratitude and appreciation is an expression of my values today.

I am humbled to my own honesty today, I am humbled to be equal to all people in and out of recovery.

The recovery program the healing process empowers us to be the healthiest person we can be today.

For me in the recovery program there were quick fixes, the healing process takes time.

Living with out my fears empowers me today.

Love and peace to everyone.

Dave L

AKA Dave of Beckenham