Understanding my addiction

Well lets challenge that and be honest when you consider it

If someone gave you a thousand free pounds when your entire family was on vacation in Spain and you had all the time in the world on your hands. Would that make you tempted to play?

Now I can not answer that for you only you can do that but I can see someone who is explaining how he could not stand it anymore came clean and moved on.And now you are surprised how easy it was and is.

Was becoming an addict not easy or was it hard work? I mean it is about playing, losing winning losing excitement angst desperation chasing losses and starting over and repeating and then in between that big doses of depression?

When a woman gives birth. There is normally some pain and screaming etc but this will in time be exchanged for how great and wonderful it was (not generalised for every woman of course) Ie the brain forgets the hardship or the pain and replaces it with the positive of the experience.

Your brain is not going to remember with time passing so clearly what the fuss was all about. In fact it will try and change that very story to something more positive because your subconscious minds task is to protect you and bring you pleasure.

But if you go back to that thousand pounds at the start of this reply and started putting that money back into circulation you would most definitely start to remember what it was all about.

There is a great expression in NLP called the map is not the territory. It means in short that your thinking is not the same as mine or anyone else reading this. We are all individual meaning making machines.

I am pretty sure I have read here in the forum of others with similar experience to yours. There are also many who have a completely different ones. We should just know that they all exist and they are all different.

Thank you for reading this.

Best

C

Hi, I totally get where you are coming from. I gambled heavily for over 5 years, got in deep with the debt gambling half our life savings aways as well as racking up the credit cards. I wasn't brave like you and only stopped when my wife found out, but, yes this was the trigger to not having to gamble any more as the reason for keeping going was to win back what I had lost before I was found out. We all know how stupid an idea that is chasing the losses with no hope of winning such a big amount. Being found out was like a ton weight being lifted off my chest.

The stopping gambling was the easier part, coping with the fallout from it all was the worst, but with the support of my amazing wife, getting all the blockers in place and some therapy arranged by Gamcare I can happily say I am now 18 months gamble free and can't believe how lucky I am to still have my wife by my side supporting me. I no longer have access to any of our finances which doesn't bother me and gives my wife peace of mind.

You mention your debt, I contacted Stepchange who have been amazing and am now on an affordable repayment plan with my credit cards. It will take nearly 9 years to pay off but has made it far more manageable.

If the blockers weren't there would I be tempted to gamble again? The honest answer is I don't know so the safeguards will stay in place forever.

Well done on your progress so far, all the best

Thanks both.

Ultimately I guess dealing with the addiction and staying ‘clean’ will be easy until the day it’s not. As easy as it feels right now, I have no doubt that it would only take 1 bet to turn my whole life upside down……when you break it down, although it feels ‘easy’, I probably wake up every day on the precipice of disaster just like every other gambling addict that’s given up, I just haven’t been as aware about it- sorry that all sounds a bit sensationalist but typing this out is cathartic and likely helpful to me.

for context if it’s of interest People have known I’ve been an addict for a long time and thousand upon thousands has been given to me to bail me out etc etc…. but in recent years I somehow fooled everyone (or at least they just wanted to believe everything was ok). 

In a 7 month period, I lost over 100k borrowed from two people who had no idea what was going on. These are people  who are not friends and family or financial institutions. I tell you what, I wish I did owe institutions. I’d find it a hell of a lot easier dealing with letters, knocks on the door, court papers etc then owning two individuals that need that money to move on with their lives. 

Like everyone else with this addiction, I feel I could write a best seller when you look back on all the s**t I’ve done because of my addiction. 

let’s keep fighting the fight.

cheers 

Thank you for your sharing and your understanding.

My trying to escape of have obsessions was from a very early age.

For me the recovery program is a healthy healing and processing of the pains of my past, long before my addictions and obsessions even started. 

In recovery I would get more honest with myself and then with other people.

When I walked in the recovery program my emotional age and physical ages did not match up.

In time I would learn and understand what my emotional triggers were.

My emotional triggers were pains I could not heal, were my fears I could not face, were my frustrations due to my unreasonable expectations of people life and situations, I could not face, my feelings of loneliness and isolation, and my feelings of boredom.

My confessions were to myself first of all, to over come my fears of being honest.

Each pain in my life caused fears in me that I did not understand, funny thing my fears of being honest were due to punishment from adults in my child hood when I was asked to be honest.

So being in the recovery program over coming my fears of being honest was a big step for me.

Being emotionally vulnerable I got in to the unhealthy habits of addictions and obsessions, they were a form of escape for me. 

Being emotionally vulnerable for so long I was not able to articulate my feelings and my emotions, in time I would drop the walls of fear and expose more and more of myself in therapies and with the help of counsellors.

Being in recovery would reduce my fears so that over time counsellors would have abetter chance healing my hurt inner child.

The surrender showing the white flag would indicate one is ready for a healthy recovery.

The serenity prayer would help me understand that I am not able to change another person, no matter hwo unhealthy they are they will not get healthy until they are ready to do so.

I think my attitude was I am here fix me.

The recovery program would work for me if I was willing to help myself get healthier and more motivated towards healthy habits. For me to exchange unhealthy habits in to healthy habits.

The biggest thing for me to understand just for today only I will not gamble, if I do not gamble I will not make things worse in my life today.  

To humble myself was accepting I am an equal to all people, no matter when their last bet or drink was we are all together to find a much healthier life and have a healthier relationship with myself.

I am anon religious person, yet I am more a healthier spiritual person, my conscience is based up on healthy values. When I say or do some thing which hurts me or some one else I am in effect hurting myself and causing myself more pins. 

Why did I take so long to walk in to the recovery program, was it procrastination, was it my fears, my lack of confidence, or simply did I not value myself that much.

Every pain in my life caused fears I did not understand.

Every fear restricted me from having a healthy life.

Some will say that an addiction is being selfish, not for me an addiction is being self destructive, not the same thing.

Well enough from me, love and peace to every one.

Dave L

AKA Dave Of Beckenham UK. 

@lemmym12 

In my time in my recovery money was far less important.

Money was never going to stop me gambling.

Money was never going to heal my hurt inner child.

Money was never going to stop me living in my fears.

Yet in time got to understand that money represented how much time it took to earn that money.

Money gives me more choices.

One thing I know for sure that the pains fo my past caused so much trauma that it advserly affected me form getting the most out of life in every way.

The recovery prgram heled me understand that I was never going to reach my full potential unless I took the recovery very seriously.

The text did not have much impact on me in my recovery.

The bggest impacta dn awareness as due to some very deep soul searching therapies.

Often meetings caused more questions than answers.

Hence after meetings chatting would go on for hours afterwards.

I am very dedicated to becoming the healthiest person I can be each day.

Just for today I do not want or need to gamble today.

Dave L