Advice

This might sound harsh but why can't he come on here himself and find the help he needs rather than send you to find help for him?

Chris.

He needs to stop gambling, he might control it from time to time but long term it can spiral out of control. It sounds like you have a good relationship, help take charge of the finances and work out a plan that puts you in control

Hi

Unfortunately and i know myself of how secretive I am with my partner you probably don’t know half of what he has actually put into these machines or online. 

Not out of disrespect to you but he will probably feel embarrassed to admit to you the true extent of his gambling. 

I am currently receiving counselling through gam care if you go on live chat they can set this up and it’s really helpful but I agree with Chris your boyfriend should come on here as it’s also a useful tool. 

Posted by: sphotosd

My boyfriend (aged 24) and I (aged 23) have been dating for just over a year now, and we are very happy together. We have talked about and planned in our heads an amazing future that we want together. 

My boyfriend has been honest to me from the start about his gambling on fruit machines and we agreed from the start that he would only do £20 a machine and only to do another £10 or £20 if it was red or if it was a machine he knows he can win big on (he use to work for on of the fruit machine companies) when we went out.  

This idea has worked perfectly fine. He has the occasional ticks (urges) to do bigger but i have been able to take his mind of it so he doesn't and i have been able to get him of the machines when he has got these ticks so that he doesn't do anything bigger. 

We currently live separately, so before the tier 3 restrictions and the lockdown where enforced, the last time we where out he had done small amounts on different machines and won big. In some cases practically emptying the machines.  Later this day in got a big urge to go big and i was unable to stop him and he ended up loosing everything he had won that day being a couple hundred of pounds.  He felt very ashamed and embarrassed.  I stood by him and support him. 

Since then he hasn't gambled due to lockdown, but he has still had small ticks but managed to ignore them and didn't do any gambling as he thought of the future he could have with me as he have talked about it deeply since we first met. 

Today when I have came home from work and video called him (something that we always do) he told me that he had gambled online which  he doesn't normally do and lost and awful lot of money which upset me. We are okay now as he knows that i could never leave him over it.  He asked me to come onto this site and speak to someone on live chat to get advice on how i could help him. Which i have done and the site told me about this forum.  I have also talked about the advice this site has given me with my boyfriend to see what advice could be helpful for us. 

The reason i am writing this is to see what other advice is out there for people that are experiencing/ have experienced what i am going through and what they did or doing to help their loved one?  

Hi and welcome.

Firstly, coming here is a good thing for you in terms of how you can best support your bf but also for you to speak to other partners or family members of those suffering with a gambling addiction. Now you need to tell him to follow and make his way here as he needs to help himself if this is something her really wants to address and seek help with. 

I think its great that he has you to support him through this but you also have to look out for yourself and maybe accept that you or your relationship may not be enough to save him from this dreadful problem. I would ask him if he wants to stop gambling or if he's just saying that as he may be scared of losing you. 

These lockdowns are unfortunately pushing gamblers to all kinds of extreme and out of character behaviour, particularly with arcades and shops being closed. My advice to him would bee to come here and speak of his own experience privately or in the forum and then take iim from there. Sending you both lots of positive energy and hope you can start to recover and build a happy life for yourselves. All the best 

Hi sphotosd and welcome.

The first thing you need to do is protect your finances and make sure the roof over your head and food on your table doesnt rely on him.

Then you need to take a deep breath and look at this in a new way.

You need to learn the truth about slot machines and about this addiction. You can not rely on the addicted thoughts and ideas of a gambler.

Gambling is HIGHLY addictive and is actually a drug addiction. It is never something you could just let him do with a green light.

The slots are the crystal meth of gambling. They are NOT an income scheme and the odds are horrendous.

His banter is delusional and you should not fall for it. Ive heard it all. Slot machine manufactures do not program in secret codes or hints for ex employees...they would be bankrupt long ago if they did. There is no way of reading a machine or just trying for sensible amounts on a regular basis.

If he thinks he is a sophisticated player he is just like the people you see hanging around the arcades/bookies with their hints and tips....always skint themselves mind you!

That is all deluded nonsense! He will lose on a regular basis and when addicted he will lose big as you have seen him doing. When the addiction takes over he will lose his life savings in no time. Its all beyond the money anyway when addicted

What he will naturally do when addicted and delusional is tell you its all under control and a money earner...just a blip

Put him on here because we would love to talk it through with him

You have seen that is not true and you will have to toughen up and show him a new style of tough love if the relationship is worth saving for you.

You can only help him from a position of strength and knowledge. Stay living separately and dont make any plans for now.

Now what would you like to know about slot machines?? We can tell you the truth because we have seen the light and are gamble free. I know the slots are extremely harmful...they used to call them one armed bandits but that term seems very tame now.

Modern machines are the most dangerous robbers you can imagine!

If he is ready for a born again moment you can help him. he will need to be living on an allowance and stop the banter about any upsides or income schemes.

He needs ultimatums worded properly. He needs REALITY. If he thinks you are a soft touch who will never leave....you have a big problem on your hands.

Im not saying he is inherently bad and im sure he has good qualities. However you can not let this be a blind love. You can both never be complacent about gambling again.

Are you ready? More to the point...Is he Ready??

Best wishes from everyone on the forum

He is being delusional and dis-respecting you. Sounds harsh I'm afraid but it's up to him to make the steps not YOU!. my best advice to you is to remember that people can only do to you what you allow them to.  Tell him to grow a pair and get on here himself and ask for help. You are not the one with the problem. 

Hi sphotosd 

I was like you many years ago, my husband played fruit machines in the pub, ask everyone for their loose change. Small bets on football. I made my opinion clear, ‘gambling is a mugs game’.

He gambled on anything and much larger amounts of money in secret. Gambled the money we were saving for our wedding and borrowed from his dad so I didn’t find out.

We lived together, had a house, I was clueless because all he showed me was small bets.

Why’s he asking you to come on here?  

My experience is that it’s not for you to fix him. You can’t stop him gambling. Don’t give him money, don’t pay his debts, don’t think this gets better overnight. 

Thank you all for your comments.  Instead of replying to everyone individually, i am going to reply to everyone in one comment. 

Currently my boyfriend and I live separately in our parents houses, so the concern of making sure i have food and a roof over our heads for myself or both of us isn't a concern at this moment in time. 

To answer the question of me being in charge of his finances is a no go at this time, due to the fact that we live separately and that all of his finances are tied to his own business, which i am not apart of. So, being in charge of his finances would go against this company polices. For me to see his Finances  he would have to declare me as  an financial adviser for his company. 

To all the people who have comment that he is not telling me the truth, I know when he is lying to me and my boyfriend is the type of person who only speaks the truth and will say exactly how it is and he wouldn't care how offended someone got.  I also know when something is on his mind which was how I founded out about his online gamble while I was at work. 

My boyfriend knows about this site and has been on it a few times asking for support on forums and live chat and he is trying his hardest  to implement the advice that he gained for example him giving me his wallet when we are are out so that he has ask me for money.  But this is uneffective currently as we are unable to see one another. He has also signed up for a local Gamblers anonymous zoom call, that he is going to trial out to see if he would find it helpful. 

My boyfriend  asked me to come onto this site so I could see and understand how big of an issue gambling can be as the only time I  do gambling is when i do a £1 each way on three or four horses on the grand national, which is all I do.  He also want me to come on here so I could get advice on how else I could support him, which I would like to do as I don't know how else I could do this considering our circumstances. 

Be both are trying to work together to lessen or at least stop his gambling habit before it does get to the point where we do start living together and start having concerns about food and loosing the roof we have over our heads.  We both know it isn't going to be a quick and easy  answer that is going to work miracles over night but we want to start making a start on helping him so that we can  have a happy and bright future together with out having any stresses or concerns.  We might be young but we are certainly not stupid and we are both up to the challenge. 

Well Im not going to give you an easy time because I care about you.

The decision is yours.

Has he lost eye watering amounts of money or not ?...you are both worried enough to be here.

Its not a case of lessening his gambling if he has a problem. It doesnt really work that way if he has been out of control. Its about abstention and getting him out of the gambling mode

Because you are living apart (which is good thing under these circumstances) you can only offer him limited help because you cant monitor his money or see what he is up to a lot of the time.

As an addict with a problem he needs to do the cold turkey time but its an addiction that niggles back at him to give it another go on a wet Tuesday afternoon

You can give him moral support and love but you cant make him stop unless he is ready. There are ways he could protect most of his money. Does he need cash daily to buy cars or something?

Cash or easy access to money is not good for him and he should see that clearly.

Yes you can have a bright future if you both work on what really needs to be done.

You are very defensive of him...in a way thats great but when it comes to this addiction is like having a partner that needs heavy drugs. You need your eyes wide open as to what you are dealing with here...no loans to him and no bail outs.

We are certainly not saying you are both stupid. Its not a stupidity or an intelligence issue...its learned behaviour which hooks and addicts a mind.

Its a complex addiction of mind body and soul

If any of this sounds patronising...I'm sorry. Its shouldn't though because its about saving any quality of life you will have.

Its no game about a silly flutter so thats why I'm deadly serious when I say protect yourself first or you will be along for the hell ride if he doesn,t know how to stop.

He should be dealing with most of this himself though. He cant hide behind you so its not easy telling a partner the hard facts about the sheer power of gambling and a gambling addiction.

Take care and best wishes

Hi sphotosd, your title is advice...and that is what you are getting from...gamblers in various stages of recovery....wives , husband's ,partners of gamblers whose lives have been badly affected by gambling harm .There are many threads on here that are tough reading of people who have suffered for years often in silence and have gotten to a stage where they want out of their twisted relationships and they can't for many reasons not just finances. Nobody thinks you are stupid as joydivider said we care that's why we try and help. All of us are speaking from experience both sides of the fence..You don't have to take on board what we say you obviously have the freedom to choose, but we feel compelled to explain how bad it can get as we know !! Go in with your eyes wide open, he doesn't mean to lie, cheat, decieve this is an addiction and that's what addicts do. You cannot fix him but he can fix himself with your help,love and support but you can't ever be complacent with this it knocks on your door. Most of us that have replied are months, years into recovery( I'm 5 months) please listen we want him to recover and you to have a happy life with him. You 2 are in your 20s been together for a year...... Best wishes to you both

Charlie and joy so right. No of us think or treated you as if you were stupid.  I'll tell you something though your partner might be great in every other aspect of your relationship but when it comes to gambling he Is and WILL be lying to you, for eg.. if he is saying he bet 10 or 20 here and there you can be sure it's a lie, it will be at least 5 times that,and same with other way round, if he tells you how much he's won it will not be the amount he's actually won as would have held back a decent amount to gamble again. These are not possible scenarios these are FACTS. And even harder for you as you don't live together so while you're on here looking for advice and help for him, he'll be in his house gambling.  That will also be a fact..

Okay, let me change my advice. Your initial post sounded like he asked you to find out the help available to him.

My advice for you, through the experience of someone helping me, was my wife being a part of the Gam-anon group attached to my GA group. Gam-anon is the side of Gambler's anonymous for partners and loved ones/friends of compulsive gamblers. She made friends there and learnt that she wasn't the only one that this was happening to and also she understood the illness a little better. It also gave her the strength to say enough is enough when I was back gambling.  I suggest you reach out to them and get actual help and understanding from others who are currently living through what you are.

My advice from me, the gambler, is unless I have stopped gambling, to not believe a word of what I say until you see the proof and the action. A part of compulsive gambling is compulsive lying, and it's only when we put it down do we realise how much we lie. If he can't show you proof take what he says with a pinch of salt.

I'm currently making amends to people over the years that my gambling has affected, as part of the twelve steps recovery program, and I reached out to an old girlfriend from nearly thirty years ago when I was 21 or 22. I wanted to know that she had had a good life and was happy as I was sorry if my behaviour at that time affected her. She said that she understood and that it was obvious that I did have a problem back then, but she was happy, she was married and she had children. My point is there is a whole life out there waiting to be lived. Go live it.

Chris.

I haven’t even read all the comments but after your first post he’s definitely doing more

the plan you set will not be stuck too as a gambler chases,  if he has worked with fruit machines he wouldn’t play them if he didn’t have a problem 

sorry to be blunt but gamblers are horrible liars (from experience). Protect yourself 

Also no gambler speaks the truth...

Just don’t wait until he is 50k in debt to realise this