How I feel today, the start of my journey

Thank you everyone for your support and the motivation, I would love to say I’m doing better but I’m not. I haven’t gambled but I nearly did, I found the money I drove to the venue and I walked in with the intention of giving in. I was so lucky, I got a call from a friend just as I got there and she had some personal stuff going on, which made me realise how important life was over gambling. I left. I’ve been very emotional this last couple of days, thinking of the what ifs and the what could have happened, how I can so easily let everyone down, I’m angry at myself for putting gambling over them, over the hard work I’ve put in. God this is so much harder than people could ever imagine. I can’t get this urge to go away, it’s like my mind thinks that if I just do it and get it over with it will stop but I know in my heart what it will lead to where I will end up.  
But today I am still physically gamble free, although mentally I feel like I’ve failed, if she hadn’t called at that exact time, I know for a fact I would be back in hell.

Im going to push through today and speak to my partner tomorrow about a plan moving forward for the urges….i cant fail xxx

I did it 3 months today, Ive given my head a wobble and I'm back in the game now, Ive had a tough couple of weeks, we have had so much going on and I have struggled with urges.  Today Ive decided I need to go back to how I was, I had this fixed mind set, with forward planning and time keeping, and it all kind of went wrong this last week or so.

Yesterday was spent in the garden and cleaning, I have bought a new book today so that will help on an evening, and I am back to walking and exercising which has been a little non existent since before I went on holiday.

9 days until day 100.  keep going everyone

@deborah270882 Fantastic news Deb!💪👏👏👏👏. Having a routine and focusing on far more distracting/relaxing and far more rewarding things rather than gambling is so good for the mind, body and soul 👌.

Here’s to you approaching that amazing 100 day milestone! 🏅.

Take care and enjoy the rest of your week.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

Well I have surpassed 100 days gamble free,

I'm not even sure what my next target is, lately it feels like the end of the day will do for me!  Saying that things have got better, I had a mad couple of weeks of urges, initially brought on after I returned from Holiday, then very sadly my boss sadly passed, the same bos that was so understanding of my addiction when I came clean to everyone, despite me taking company money, i kept my job and he helped me get help.  This was a huge trigger for me and also emotionally draining, the guilt and shame after his passing is as strong as as it was when I went to him initially.  It has brought all those raw emotions right back to the surface and I am admittedly back to sobbing a couple of hours a day over what I did.  It is easing off slightly and I am looking to get back to myself over the next week or so, as long as I make it to the end of everyday I will be OK.

I am now obliged to keep up the fight for him x

Keep pushing forward am on day 718 and my life at a diff stage funny enough im still not out of the woods i was thinking about my losses has my friends have gone on an expensive hoilday and thought to myself even 10% off losses would have made a huge difference now and it really hurt funny enough at the early stages it was a case off being debt now that i am on the plus side im still paying the concequences for my actions i could have easily relapsed however as i coming on here regularly it kept me gamble free as i know how bad my life gor to and reading the posts am still vulnerable i know the rate am going it will still take another 4 years before am satisfield i need a hoilday it will be another two years before i am comfortable going so it scary to think how easy it is to relapse

4 months today, there have been many times over the past few weeks where I thought I would fail, i have been fighting quite a few demons, but I made it, thanks to the strength and support of my family, I have pushed through and I am in a much better place now.  I havn't posted for a while, i think more because I have felt ashamed, I dont even know why.  The death of my boss hit my hard and has a knock on effect to my mental health due to the guilt mostly and the support I undeservedly had from him despite my actions.

Things are looking up again now, each day remains a battle and I found my first 2 months the easiest, because it was all fresh, and the pure shame of opening up, kept the urges at bay, as life gets back on track, I have found that out of the blue I have these awful urges, thoughts, I do everything I am suppose to, take a breath, keep busy, speak to my partner write it down but the good days up until last week have been few and far between.

i just need to keep going, I know I do, I just want to get back to enjoying the little things in life again, like I started to when I first stopped, but its like I have completley lost my fighting MoJo and I cant shake away the feeling that failure is looming.

I hope I get back to the positive posts soon x thanks for the support I have had so far x x x 

By the way, how are you getting on? Hope you’re well and still gambling free.

@sassaman hello, I am doing great lately still Gamble free, I found for a while the relapse stories on here were triggering me a little bit and making me feel very anxious as I had a tough time following the loss of my boss, who was a huge support for me, it was a tough time, so I haven't been on for some time, although I have still been attending my mental health sessions at my local GP.   I'm getting back to my normal self now, and would like to get back to my diary and maybe trying to help others, thank you for asking, I hope you are doing well too

Update on little old me....still gamble free 158 days today, I have struggled with my mental health but have been keeping bury.  Other than emotionally, filling my weekends has been the hardest for me over the last couple of months.  My daughter moved away and is currently living and working in the lake district, so every other weekend I get my self over there which is so peaceful and quiet they are in the middle of nowhere and it is so good for the soul, I potter around the house, and my mum is taking me to york this weekend for a bit of shopping and lunch, other than that I just plod along, reading Binge watching TV on an evening, my partner is still my rock, my family are also super amazing and supportive my circle is tight and I am no longer worrying about relapsing.

I do have a question though, I have never been interested in any form of gambling other than slots, sports betting, cards, casinos, racing poker... not interested couldn't care less, when I became addicted to gambling it happened so fast, I believe it started one day when i was waiting for a bus and went into the arcade to get out of the rain, I still haven't really figured out what my triggers are but I know when it began.

Now to the question, every year a large group of us go to york races, a bus load its a fabulous day out and I look forward to it every year, I'm wondering if it is still appropriate to go.  to put it in perspective I have been gambling for 7+ years, I could slam, hundreds thousands into a slot machine in a matter of hours, i go to the races, I pick 1 horse out of every race, ususally by their name because I dont understand horse racing and I put £1 E/W on, and thats me done, I enjoy my day out.  So I suppose my question is should I go??? Its one of my favourite days of the year not because of the betting, because of the atmosphere and people i go with, we have been doing this for 20 years and its great.

I would really like some advice, if any one has any time to spare me a moment of thought.

Thank you

In my case i cant even play those funfair games or those games where u can win prizes as it triggering and am sure most addicts have similar issues but wont admit in terms of risks me personally even if their 0.0001% chance i could be sucked back into gambling then i have to avoid i cant take risk  relapse down the line 

Agreed here, I wouldn't be going to York not at all.  It's a gamble. If you win and get a buzz who knows what it could lead to? Personally I wouldn't be going anywhere near.  I know how you feel though I miss those nights me and my dad would go out to the casino and have a night just the two of us, I've had to forfeit that for the good of my freedom from my gambling addiction.  Its the same with your trip to York, your probably going to miss it like mad but I'd think long and hard before going. Horse racing in it's own right is literally made for gambling, wether it's £1 or £1000, I would really consider the potential consequences of the environment and getting your juices flowing. 

Over 6 months gamble free, it ook your advice I am not going on the race day, although I feel strongly that I would have been OK not betting, you can never be 100% sure of yourself, so thank you.  Not much has changed, I plod along and get through each day.  Not many urges at all over the last month or so, and things are looking up financially, on October 17th, I will have paid back the money I took from friends and work and will be back on a full wage, my partner has really helped in getting our other debts down, and we are on route to be debt free by April next year.  Things have been very difficult financially but I know that things can only get better. Hope everyone else is doing OK, keep fighting those demons peeps x

Lovely to read Deb 👏👏👏.

Unfortunately for me, after going 17 months g.f, I had two lapses 🙈. Since then however, I have put the further necessary blocks in place to prevent me from accessing those dodgy online overseas sites and I am now continuing to go through my daily life not gambling and more importantly, not thinking about it.

Take care and keep up the good work.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.

@j5a6meyr4z Oh no, thats sad to hear, you are a big inspiration though and 17 months is huge.  Ive hit 200 days today.  Its so very hard so I can see where the relapses come from.  I find i have a few weeks where it doesnt even cross my mind then I can go another 3 weeks where I am thinking about it 24/7 I am suprised I have gone this long myself because I do struggle, but at least you have put everything back in place.  Im waiting for these sites and the UK ones been banned, gambling is the allowed drug, the accepted addiction because it is invisible they dont realise the damage they are doing, its just about money.  I wish you all the best, I am sure after reading a lot of your diary when I first came here, that you will already have this. x x x

@deborah270882 Thanks Deb.  Yes, daily life/mindset has resumed to “normal/no thinking about wanting to gamble. Couldn’t think of anything worse to be honest 👎. Through Gamcare, I successfully downloaded Gamban on my phone/ipad. I closed that dodgy overseas sites and. However, the trouble I had trying to do this and the non stop emails from them asking me if I am sure/not to close it, just made me more determined!💪. I think my last email to them (after sending them several of the same to them) just said in block caps - CLOSE MY ACCOUNT!!!😡. It is wrong that they are allowed to bombard you after you have instructed them to close your account but they know what they are doing - well at least they do but not going to happen with me thank you!👋👋💪.

Keep going Deb. You have done fantastically well fighting those difficult urges. We all know where continuing to gambling takes us - even more debt or in my case - spending almost 5k of my own money I had saved for other important things 🙈👎. Still, it has gone and I move on and keep aiming to walk in a straight line 🙏.

Pink Lady 🩷🍎.