Advice needed please.

Quick update.
I've been online and found a GA group near us. I've mentioned this to him, but he says he's not going. He actually said "It's not my cup of tea" and point blank said "I'm not going"
He says he will manage it by himself. I intend to go through some figures with him this afternoon and he says he will contact his 3 maxed out credit card companies tomorrow to make "arrangements".
He says to stop pushing him.
I have suggested we both do something different on a Saturday when he usually bets on football, however, he says that there's no harm in a £10 football bet and that he enjoys Sat afternoon watching football and having a bet. I did suggest that he shouldn't be doing it as he has very little / no money, however, he then lost his temper and refused to talk further.
I don't want to behave like his mother. I'm trying so hard to be a supportive partner.

Hello Cat48,

Well done for joining our forum and letting us know about your experience.

Other forum members will likely respond to your post in time, and you might like to read their threads to see their perspectives.

Our forum members often encourage awareness of yourself, your reactions, your needs, your interests, to put yourself in the picture when you are considering your situation. The reason this advice is often shared, is because when someone discovers that their loved-one has a gambling problem, the tendency can be to go into 'Helper mode' and in doing so a person can sometimes tend to focus on 'The helped-one' and to overlook themselves. You will not be able to do his recovery on his behalf, or 'Fix' his gambling problem, anymore than you can stop him smoking, because you are not in a position to do those things that he only he can do, but you can create a good context for his potential recovery by continuing to take care of the boundaries in your relationship so that you don't inadvertently end up enabling or colluding, and by taking good care of yourself you are also modelling healthy self-care for your partner.

Please feel welcome to call us on 0808 8020 133 or try or netline, we are here 8am to midnight if you feel like talking or want some emotional support.

Take care,

Forum admin.

Hi cat48 you don't say what your plan is. He likes a bet to the tune of 30k? In my experience if my husband was saying ' it's only a fiver'. That would be what he wanted me to know, but secretly it was e.g. £500. This is huge debt, maxed credit cards charging extortionate interest. It's not for you to fix, it's not your debt, it's not your repayment plan. If you take over he will have no responsibility for it. Keep all your finances separate. If he says GA is not his cup of tea, how does he know? Has he been before? Is there a gamanon meeting attached to the GA? That is for friends and family connected to a compulsive gambler. You should try and go. You will learn a lot. Gamanon is online Sunday nights 8-9, check the website. You can be emotionally supportive but nothing else. Don't pay his share, don't pay his debts, don't give him money. Compulsive gambling is not part of a healthy relationship. Unfortunately most gamblers only stop when it's too late. You should be concentrating on what you are going to do for yourself. Remember if you pay he will play, the more of his debt you pay off, the more credit he can get. Forcing him to address it will make him more secretive. Get help for you.

Hi, Cat,

Sorry to see what’s happening. However, if you read round the forum, you’ll see that the advice that’s generally given, and whilst it’s presumably it’s not what you expect or want to hear, it’s valid.

Researching figures and meetings for him is a waste of time whilst he’s a practicing addict. Addiction is serious, it’s gets progressively worse (unchecked) and it corrupts the thought process. To put it another way, there’s an addiction and a person and the addiction takes over the person. Therefore trying to have a sensible and rational conversation with an addiction results in exactly what you’ve experienced so far.

The addiction is his and pointing him in the direction of GA is as much as you can do for him. GA will help because everyone there gets it in a way that you can’t. He can’t do it himself, that’s a statement about his ego and his willingness to seek help. It’s not a means of addressing an addiction and shouldn’t be taken seriously.

That’s him. Your life is about you, about the choices that you make, about what you value, what you stand for, what you want and need in a life partner, about your goals and ambitions. The starting point is to know what these are, then to consider whether you’re getting them in this relationship. Gamblers put gambling first, they lie and cheat, they don’t pay their fair share, they’re emotionally absent. Is this what you want? Do you feel a need to save him or to sort him out because he’s incompetent or generally act like a mother with a recalcitrant toddler? If so, why? What is it in you that focuses on his needs at the expense of yours? Do you need to relearn some of your life lessons?

Focus on you, protect yourself financially and don’t be tempted to pay his debts. They’re his and reparation is his responsibility. He’s an adult and it’s for him to call Stepchange or CAB. Go to GamAnon and or CoDA meetings, regardless of what he thinks to learn how to look after yourself and how to set boundaries.

Look after you.

CW

Thank you so much for your advice, it really does mean a lot. I guess I'm still in complete shock and just want to make things better as soon as possible. I'll keep in mind everything you've said and I'll keep reading the forums etc. Thanks again so much. Cath x

Honestly, sounds like a mountain to climb. Head buried in the sand, still loves to gamble and not ready to give up. It is affecting your life negatively and will likely get worse.

I hope things go well for you, but if they are not ready to change you can't do anything for them other then let them make the same mistakes until they had a tipping point.