Hi everyone,
I am new to the forum and would like a bit of advice. I think my husband of 3 years has a problem and would like some advice.
First i will set the scene, we currently have no financial connection and he lives in my house (which I had before we were married) I pay all the bills, buy all the food, and am totally self sufficient. He has a flat which was purchased under Right To Buy scheme and it cant be sold or rented out until later this year, so he is still paying the running costs of it himself. Occassionaly he contributes to the 'family' home, recently he bought a new cooker and paid for a new front door, but on a regular basis he makes no contribution.
I have always known he like to have a bet, using lots of online apps. His bets tend to be large for small gain, so betting say £1000 to win £50 on a 'sure thing'. Before we got married one of these sure things wanst so sure and he lost £1700, I found out and he promised never to do that again.
Three years on and I have discovered this behaviour carried on, In the year to the end of July he is £1700 down on his sky bet account, which he thinks is OK - he thinks its his money he can do what he likes with it. More worrying though is the total amount he is risking throughout the month. So in June he staked almost £6,000 winning just over £100 over the month, in July he staked £11,800 and lost £170 over the month. What this shows me is the amount of time and energy going into this 'hobby' of his is enormous and there must be some big value bets in amongst the smaller ones to get to these huge monthly totals.
Now I have challenged him and he believes that its none of my business, his money to do what he likes with. I disagree and think those are not the words of a married man. Am i being unreasonable?
I genuinely do not want gambling to feature in my world. He says he likes it, simple as that, he dosen't believe he has a problem and its none of my business what he does with HIS money.
He has moved back to his flat and I have said I am here to help him get through this, but only if he accepts the problem is real. It looks like my marriage will be over as he will choose gambling over family life.
We are in our early 50's and were planning on buying a house together next year, which I am reluctant to do under the circumstances.
Debbie
Sounds a bit of a weird set up tbh sorry just being honest your married so his money is yours and vice versa he isn’t gambling his money he is gambling your money .. the first step is admitting you have a problem which he obviously isn’t there yet.. you sound like a very independent person one who may be unhappy with a terminated marriage but you sound like you would see it as a positive loss? That’s how it sounds gamblers do drag you down I am
a gambler or was I am 277 days gamble free it took me 10 years to get help are you prepared for that because his debts will soon become your debts .. good luck with what you decide
Hi Debbie
It sounds like you're in a tough situation. I'm assuming you have your own bank accounts and tbh that potentially adds to the feeling that it's 'his' money. Of course, a true partnership (which is what a marriage should be) doesn't differentiate between who has what- it's just all of 'your' collective money.
From what you have said it sounds like the first stage of acceptance (of a problem) isn't there yet. The money is somewhat irrelevant in terms of how much down or up he his each month. Ultimately, over time it only goes one way.
He says he likes gambling, but is that actually the case? Betting such large sums for such little profit must be anxious while waiting for the result to come in. I used to bet around £200 per day and did worry how much of that I'd see again. You see, a gambling addiction can make it seem like it's enjoyable and something you want to continue with - but often it masks the root cause or a problem.
It sounds like you have been perfectly reasonable, but the desire to stop has to also come from the gambler. He may be getting away with it at the moment financially - as in his losses aren't something that threatens to wreck his life. But then there's the relationship with you. It shouldn't have to come to an ultimatum, but often that moment of realisation comes as a short, sharp shock.
Ultimately it seems like you are standing at a crossroads, with everything still possible. All I can really offer is that you sit down and calmly talk about the situation and how it makes you feel. If talking about it seems to irritate him or he tries to quickly brush it off then there's definitely a problem, and likely that he knows it.
You can't make anyone change, they have to want to change. That's what you need to figure out.
I wish you all the best.
SJ
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