Am I a failure for leaving ?

Hi holhol85,

Thank you for sharing your story and I am sorry that you aren’t having a rough time with your partner.

I can’t speak on behalf of your partner but I can on behalf of myself.

When I gambled (which was only 20 days ago) I used to go into a book markers or online and spin until I won. I then ended up chasing my losses and that made them even worse. On the day I decided to sign up here I opted for Gamstop as I knew I had to quit or I’d lose things in my life I didn’t want to lose.

When I lost I always felt ashamed and stupid. I guess he may feel the same. Again I don’t know him but I guess he may feel the same.

I guess some people only realise until they lose something that matters to them also.

Sorry I can’t be much help on this one but I wish you the best and I hope your partner comes to his senses before it’s too late for him.

CJ.

Thank you for your reply , he’s promised to stop , I had to kick him out last year , that was enough for him to see sense I believe , he then self excluded online , self excluded from bookies , gave me receipts and access to bank etc, I guess iv got sloppy with checking as I wanted to believe it , none of this would have been caught , he’s done all these things to stop it , along with counselling ( he works offshore so it’s not frequent enough the sessions ) but he’s borrowed money so I would have never been able to check that , and gone into the bookmakers and paid cash , seems they don’t check who people are , I’m so angry I want to message his brother , message his dad ( which I done last year as I needed help ) I guess I wanted to shame him into stopping ??? I cannot understand how his kids are not enough to make him stop ? To not want to give them a better life ? We have been through the whole , it was always my fault stage , the lying stage , so we have made some progress , but it’s killing me , I still think he’s lying about the date of when he gambled, he told me it was yesterday and this morning , but I know it would have been last week judging by his low mood, however it’s like he won’t admit it , which is the issue also , it’s whebver he’s around his brother , I know it’s not all his brothers fault , he is a grown man and makes these decisions , I’m gonna message him now , his brother , im so angry , it’s like he wants my partner to be as miserable in his life as he is ! Trying to hold it together for my girls this evening is what kills me , I was crying reading my 2 year old a book, she doesn’t understand yet, however my 10 year old does , I know it was going to be hard , that’s why iv tried to help , iv honestly have tried so much in the past 6 years , then I think about how much I love him, I know it’s an addiction, and I couldn’t ever imagine living through it , but I’m living the other side of it x

You need to do what is best for you and your family. Only you can make that decision. Have a read of other people’s storys. Some are horrifying. All have similar trends though.

Me personally I think that would have been enough to make me try to stop.

Everyone is different and everyone’s story to get here is different but we are here trying to do better.

Out of curiousity does he see he has a problem?

CJ.

Yeah he’s admitted to it , years ago , I think he does want to beat it , but he can’t , but I can’t do anything else now , other than see more of our future swandered in the bookies , he works so hard , I feel that he’s barely been home , so iv held the fort down , and everytime we come close he does it again and again and again ,

You have the ability to change your future. If your partner doesn’t want help or to try then why should you?

Like you say he works hard, but so do you. Why let him waste what you have worked hard for.

Maybe remind him gently about the children and yourself and being by his side. Get him to help create memories before they are all grown up. It’s a blink of an eye and they will be 18 and you’ll be grey.

Me on the other hand I’m like Peter Pan and never growing up 🙂

Keep smiling.

CJ.

Hi there Hilhol85, I hope you’re okay. I’m the ex girlfriend of a CG and it was hell on earth what I went through. My story is different to yours in that I don’t have children with him and the relationship I was in was short but traumatic ... but I got to the stage where I had enough of the stealing, deceit and betrayal. Words are not enough... the I love you and the I promise I won’t do it again don’t have any impact unless there are positive actions to back up what is being said. You need to put you and your children first. Your partner at the end of the day has to be willing to change. It’s up to him. Think about you and what’s best for you and your children. There’s plenty of support and help on this website. I have found this website to be a fabulous source of support. I wish you all the best and will stay in touch.

Hi holhol85. If you want to see your previous thread just click on your name and it's all there. You can do whatever you feel is best, leave or stay. You say that you were checking but got lax, your previous partner was a gambler, you've done the counselling. Realistically you can't stop him, as you've seen he will get money from other sources. Ongoing support comes from attending meetings. Gamanon or others like coda, smart. There's also gamanon online Sunday nights 8-9. What you have to try and do is detach. Not let the gambling affect you. There are many opinions on here some don't care why their partner gambled, some go to meetings, some control money, etc. It's what works for you. My husband gambled because of ? A crisis, because kids at school, family always gambled, who knows. It becomes habit and someone who's compulsive just continues. It's their 'go to'. They need to address that. That comes from meetings. If he's off shore or away there is online. There are many resources out there and him going it alone doesn't work. This isn't about money, it's about what comes with it. Lying, deceit, mood swings, stress, depression, betrayal, anxiety. If he borrowed from his brother let him wait for the money, maybe he'll learn not to lend to him. Everyone is slowly waking up to this gambling crisis. There are banks (starling, monzo) that restrict gambling. You can restrict credit card limits. We have to learn to put ourselves first. Take a holiday with your kids if you can. Debts come last, living first. Your counselling should have helped you deal with a slip or continued gambling. My counsellor believed control of money is unsustainable and expecting slips part of recovery!! Being the person who sorts everything out doesn't let a gambler take responsibility for their actions. Try and start putting the responsibility back to him. My husband gambled for years, it was hell. I had control of money so everything was paid. He gambled loans! It definitely damaged his mental health. The only thing that's helped is not handling money and meetings. Come on here and rant, ask questions. Call gamcare and talk to someone, that's what they're there for. Get help.

I just sometimes feel resentful , like iv got the help , iv tried to support him, my girls are missing out now on a normal life , he ex who most then likely left due to his cheating has holidays with my stepson , my kids have never gone away, I’m no way in resentment to my step son for this , merely resentment towards m my partner , my wages cover shopping , my phone bill and gym membership and nursery fees , so I have no spare money to live independently , I barely afford nights out , on the odd occasion like every 3 months , my anxiety has got worst, every time this happens , but if he leaves , realistically the outcome will be worst , I’ll have no car, so will have to change jobs , I highly doubt I afford the rent and bills that come with living with 2 children, even with putting my hours up , so I stay for some sort of help with rent so I can keep my 200 to myself , to buy my girls clothes , I know this makes me sound selfish ! And it’s all about money , but you know what , it really is now , it’s not about me missing out, I can handle that , all I do if for my girls and I want to give them a nice life , it’s just what to choose , I don’t want them growing up and seeing this is normal ! It’s not , no one should have to battle to live and survive , which is what I feel like I’m doing right now , just surviving x

What is normal? Many have money worries, never go on holiday. Compulsive gambling is not about money, but it has a financial consequence. You have done all the fixing, and you are going without. He plays golf, has 10 days off. I stayed because the fear of him gambling everything away was overwhelming. I wanted my kids to know their father. We'd be worse off apart. All those things. Practically how is he able to gamble? You need to agree limits. He needs to do something about this. His salary should come straight to you. He needs to contact his counsellor or go to GA. You need to talk about how you feel. He needs to face this.

I know how you feel. My partner has got us into so much debt and I’m gathering as much information as I can before we ‘talk’. I’ve had enough and not being mugged off anymore! I’ll be seeking advice from a solicitor but the banks suggested in previous posts are worth knowing about so I’m going to tell him everything I know and he can have all the information to try and change but if he chooses not to I’ll still be getting legal advice on the right path for me and our little boy. I can’t afford to let him have more than one pair of shoes at the moment!!! I didn’t even know we could access the forums, it’s nice to read others stories and they all sound very similar!

He’s gone for now , iv had a few texts that have worried me, as he’s stated I would be better off if he didn’t exist , I messaged his dad , who is understandably angry st his sons , I did mention that his brother has no need to give up as he has stability , mortage and house , but his dad has mentioned that not all is rosy there and there are issues as his brother is also a compulsive gambler , whereas my partner has actively tried to help and admitted to the issue , his brother has not , which is why I’m very angry at his brother as he knows my other half is trying to kick the habit , my partner is now saying he has no one and it’s all his fault and he has nothing , iv told him he can have the house , I’ll move out , he said that’s not what he’s referring to , he literally has nothing , it’s killing me , I’m scared , have no idea where he’s staying and now his dad has pretty much disowned him, I don’t feel guilty for this, I feel upset that his dad could turn his back on him, I still want to help, I still love this man , but I don’t know how , I want to feel like me again , right now I’m bumbling through the weekend , my 10 year old keeps asking what he’s done , as she knows he not here due to me , I just brush it off , tell her she doesn’t need to know , her birthday is the weekend after next , next weekend we are in London for an early treat , so iv gotta hold it all together , I’m off work the week after , so at least I can get a clearer head , how he’s talking it make me thinks that he has done more in regards to money , which i can’t even think about now , I don’t want him having contact with his brother no more , I’m sure his brother will want nothing more to do with me , which I’m glad off as i don’t want to even look at him, and his brother will be angry that iv told his dad what they have been doing , if he comes back I want it to be under them conditions and now he has no money and all the wages come to me , which he’s been transferring over but I don’t even want him any thing not even £10 , I just see myself wasting more life but I love him I’m so conflicted

Still a web of lies and deceit, seems like he has been through a lot of rock bottoms, in the end he isn't changing and it is hard but maybe time apart to sort things like. No need to make permanent decisions, just space to breath. The family relations is toxic, exactly how will this be resolved? He just manages to stop, despite everything staying the same?

There is no reasoning with a gambler. No doubt he loves his kids, but gambling is something people do. Sometimes the tuth needs to come out, at some point it might be best to let your children know, to keep them in the dark will be casuing them a lot of anxiety.

Good luck with everything.

Most important thing is money management. You need to 100% control the finances.