Hi,
My posts originally started on So Scary's thread but I think I now need to start my own rather than hi-jacking his constantly.
I found out a few weeks ago that my husband of 20 years had developed a gambling problem (if it was happening before there was no evidence of it) I confronted him last weekend and he immedietly admitted to it. He broke down and looked so pitiful I just told him that I would do all I could to support him and that I would try to arrange for some counselling, he said he that he felt that now it was out in the open he was somewhat relieved and would no longer "be stupid" about it, but that he felt the need to be allowed to carry on with everything as normal and just have the occasional bet without my questioning his every move or every penny he spent. I told him I would arrange for the counselling and we would see what they advised and take it from there. Two days later he came home with an enormous bouquet of flowers to thank me for being so understanding and supportive, that night I checked his wallet and found another 2 betting slips!!! - I left it until this weekend to confront him and have to say I did not recognise the man I have been married to for 20 years, his first response was to throw at me that my "support" had lasted for just 1 week and clearly I had meant nothing that I had said last weekend (he clearly saw our previous conversation as an offer of acceptance rather than support). He threw everything he could think of at me that had happend throughout our marriage to deflect from him and to hilight that I was also not perfect.
I hadnt told him I had been checking his wallet for the last few months and finding the betting slips, he assumes I only know about the problem because I noticed a lot of cash withdrawals from our bank account and when questioned about that he immedietly confessed to the gambling so I never mentioned that I had seen each of the slips, however not realising I was aware of how much was being spent on each bet his next course of action was to state that each of the bets he had placed this week were only for £10 so it was hardly the crime of the century and I was competely overreacting, I asked him if he was sure about that, in a way that made it clear I knew he was lying and he adamently continued to state they were only for £10 (they were for £40 & £70), the arguing continued and then he suddenly lost his temper, though he never physically hit me, he flew at me pinned me to the sofa and yelled in my face in a very aggressive and threatening way about how I would never be able to tell him how or where he could spend his money. When he finished yelling I stood up and told him that he would never have to worry about me doing that as I wouldnt be around to tell him anything anymore and that I was leaving, he completely crumbled, sank to the floor and was shaking and really white, I genuinely think he was crushed at his own behaviour and I have to say up until this all began, we had had an amazing marriage and he has always been so kind and gentle to me and his stepdaughter we could not have found a more perfect husband and stepfather. We talked into the early hours of the morning he gave me all his bank and credit cards (which were cancelled today) and told me he will do whatever it takes to repair the damage. I have made an appointment for us both for the doctor to discuss referral for councelling, I think I am just shocked at how quickly this descended into the dark and ugly place we reached yesterday, is this normal because it is the point at which he has been found out and is having to face up to himself? Also I am very aware that the chances are he will make a huge effort over the next few weeks/months and then the likleyhood is that there will come a point where he slips back again, but could someone offer a glimmer of hope that on the very odd occasion a situation like this could be a one off and if we deal with it in the right way there is a chance we could go back to the wonderful life we had together before this started?
Hi Tinks, there is a chance but you really need to take off those rose tinted glasses!
It's kinda irrelevant that he didn't actually hit you & little wonder that he crumpled given the fact that you stood up for yoursel & had the police been called, he would have been arrested for assault! Most domestic violence offenders are apologetic after their bouts of rage & I would suggest as well as reading up on addiction, you have a look at the Refuge website:
http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/
And yes, you are being incredibly naive...This isn't your mess to sort out. Regardless of what you tell yourself about your marriage, he has been lying to your face for @ least part of it! Why are you arranging the counselling? He needs to step up & do, not just say. GamCare can provide this to you both & may be quicker than a GP referral & in the meantime, pack him off to GA. I suspect he will have another million more reasons why he doesn't need GA either but it will be a good indication for you whether he means what he says & if he's resisting now, it won't be weeks or months before you find out if he's serious or just paying you lip service.
I'm not sorry to have been so blunt although I am sad that I cannot offer you what you wanted to hear. There is absolutely no excuse for the way he behaved & with a child to look after as well, you really need to get some proper support for you because @ the moment, you are justifying his disgusting behaviour for him & that will not end well 🙁
I may need to edit this once posted as I can't see what I'm writing having posted the link. Please look after you & your little girl - ODAAT
Gambling turns us into ugly creatures although I've never done that but he doesn't sound the bad man this has turned him into
Hi again
I'm so sorry to see this. I echo ODAAT's comments. What he did was abuse and assault. An abuser is very often remorseful after the event but it doesn't stop it happening all over again, even escalating somewhere down the line. It's not normal behaviour, no. He has shown you who he is and where you lie in his list of priorities. I know this isn't what you want to hear but your own and your daughter's safety must be top of your priorities.
I am not trying to defend his actions but I think I can trust my instincts and perspective, if it were to happen a second time then I am strong enough to make sure it would be the last, but I believe at this stage he deserves to be forgiven for this first mistake and for us to fight for what we have as I am sure there have been other similar situations that have been able to be rescued, surely not every case has been hopeless. I also just want to clarify there is no young child involved or again I would be much more cautious about my hopes for the future. My daughter is 28 years old and lives in the States now and is oblivious to what has happend over the last few weeks, the point I was trying to make was that in 20 years since we met he has been a very kind and good person and definately someone I believe I need to invest some support in at the first sign of trouble our relationship has ever encountered. Sorry as I do not want to sound like I do not appreciate the advice and support offered on this site, but I wanted to ensure I had not misled anyone regarding our circumstances and also that I do not believe this is the point at which I should give up and walk away when you balance out the good vs the bad to date
Dur, indeed the Step & the 20 years should have given the fact that she wasn't a small child anymore huh 🙂
I wasn't saying to give up Tinks, I was saying to arm yourself with knowledge because regardless of whether children are involved or not, no-one should be putting up with that sort of behaviour if you're gonna stick around...Isolated assault aside, he was barefaced lying to your face & apportioning blame onto you prior to the outburst. This is classic addict behaviour & I'd blame anything & everything including the wrong coloured underpants when I was active.
The problem is, aside from him giving you his cards when he thought you were leaving, you seem to be doing all the running & you can't do this for him, he has to want to get this under control himself. & when I say under control, I mean his addiction, not his betting. I had the same notion of carrying on once I first came clean, with my now hubby knowing I was gambling. I thought I could finally control something that had been consuming me for my entire life but I was deluded...I was also way more sneaky! As addicts, we cannot win because we cannot stop so the only way to get a grip is to not place that 1st bet.
As a mum, your instinct will be to fix it but this isn't your problem to be chasing round after & support for us is best served as tough love. You need to decide where your line in the sand is & if you need him to stop gambling, don't stop @ his cards, get access to all of his financials, credit reports included.
It's hard for me to read that situations are hopeless because I am the CG but over here, I'm determined to put the work in & only time will tell if your CG is prepared to do that.
What do you think your daughter might say if you were to tell her how he has behaved?
Agree with ODAAT again. It's very easy to get consumed by this and run round doing the things that are the CG's reponsibility to see to. CG's live in a bubble of unreality. They need to be the ones putting the barriers into place, booking the services they can access, and getting themselves to GA and counselling. It's not hopeless. It can be successfully arrested but the drive has to come from the gambler. They have to want recovery more than they want the next bet and then keep on wanting it. You have no choice over whether that happens. Your choices lie with what you tolerate.
Hi, Tink,
IME it's not a choice between leaving immediately or staying permanently. The third option is to get the help, accurate information, support and self awareness to make sensible and informed choices in your own timescale.
Part of getting consumed by him is allowing it to distract from you. But some uncomfortable questions arise. What you described is assault - why is it acceptable in your eyes for you to be assaulted? Why is it acceptable for you to be lied to and cheated? What is it in or about you (not him) that you expect or tolerate such treatment and tell yourself that it's not that bad? What needs in you does he really meet such that the relationship is worth fighting for? Is it actually necessary to fight for a healthy relationship?
Part of the same theme: why does your post say how he felt after the assault but not consider how you felt and maybe still feel?
It's all too easy to say that the problems "lie" (so to speak) with the gambler but almost inevitably those around the addict have their own problems. Usually including unhealthily high tolerance levels.
His gambling isn't your fault. He doesn't gamble because he lacks your love and your love can't fix him. He gambles because he's an addict and only he can fix him. You didn't Cause it, you can't Control it and you can't Cure it. Keep the focus on you.
CW
I'm disgusted with what I have done with my life and the pain I've inflicted on others. I read your post and thank the big man that I never added physical assault to the list of dispicable things I've done. I've been to some very dark places, i can't imagine what i would have done had I ever crossed that line.
I am a gambling addict, I have lied, manipulated, mislead, abused (trust) and been a massive hypocrite to those closest to me. The woman that wanted me to be her life partner, her soulmate - I have looked into her eyes, I have confessed love, I have brought presents, gifts, I have massaged sweaty feet all in the name of love. I've always meant it, i love my wife on a level I don't quite understand, yet I underpinned it all by living a secret life.
I look down on murderers, drug dealers and general 'low-lifes' yet the reality is I have caused more harm to my wife and children than any of these people.
Your husband is a liar, a thief, a master of manipulation and an abuser.
I hope inside me there is the man I believe I can be. It's easy for me to say he is in there. I just need to prove it.
I want to be a good person. does your husband.
Please stay safe
Hi tinkerbell you say you want to go back to the life you had before. Is that possible? Was it not a lie? Who knows how long he's been gambling. It's unacceptable behaviour and so is pinning you down. I don't believe you should get the cg to confess, forget it. Be straight , be honest that's what you want from him. Don't play games, that's what they do. A gambler who thinks he lost £100 probably lost £1000. The amount is irrelevant, a bet is a bet, a lie a lie. Don't get into arguments, always be calm, walk away. He needs to admit the problem and get help. So do you, you can get help alone. Gamcare offer counselling, there are gamanon meetings. Things have changed now and you have to decide what to do. If you want to support him and go on this journey, you need to learn how to. You don't deserve to be treated like this and you have to ask yourself why you think it's ok. I understand 20 years marriage is worth fighting for but if you don't seek help and change your behaviour it will continue in the same way. He's an addict and he will walk all over you if you let him. He will blame you for taking his 'toys' away. Get control of finances, get strong, don't believe his lies. I've been married 18 years so I understand you want to stand by him. Be careful, protect yourself and get help.
This the exact reason why people on here says pays to be honest with others then it doesn't cause most people don't believe you when you're trying to come clean
Christer1 You sound very angry. Remember when you have been lied to repeatedly for many years it is normal not to believe/trust. Trust has to be earned I'm afraid.
Tinkerbell I think you need to be very cautious here. I speak from experience of domestic violence which started as a push and escalated to far more serious attacks which I now believe were related to gambling addiction. The domestic violence lasted 12 years and I cannot explain why I stayed. It stopped after I had him arrested at his place of work and he never layer one finger on me from that day. We parted four days ago due to gambling but looking back I should have left after that first push.
i would be amazed if this did not happen again but I hope I am wrong. Please take some advice and be very cautious going forward.
True but I think we should trust tinker Bell judgement not downgrade him cause all gamblers lie and always will
I agree but not all gamblers dish out a helping of domestic violence with their gambling habit.....mine did and it sounds as though Tinkerbelle's is verging on that point. You said in your earlier post that "most people don't believe you when you're trying to come clean" Tinkerbelle's husband wasn't trying to come clean. Like most addicts he lied continuously even when she confronted him and made it clear she knew the bets were for more than £10.00. Then when he'd been completely outed as a liar his reaction was to become physically aggressive.
I do not wish to see anyone's relationship fail and it sounds as though they were extremely happy before this but violence is not acceptable on any level.
We are available 24 hours a day, every day of the year. You can also contact us for free on 0808 80 20 133. If you would like to find out more about the service before you start, including information on confidentiality, please click below. Call recordings and chat transcripts are saved for 28 days for quality assurance.
