My husband has constantly gambled for years , with debts of aroun £60k . It all came to a head when he got into severe debt and he walked out . 2 years later after he spent that time living in his car , we got back together and sorted out a debt plan . What happens now is, when he gets paid , he puts everything (apart from £500 a months , which is his money) into my account and all bills etc are paid from my account, this way I know the mortgage and bills are all being paid.
My dilemma is - I know as I saw his bank statement that with this £500 a month he gambles with it , I saw on his statement, l*******s and bet fair with amounts being paid to them. We can't afford to live apart as mortgage is massive etc. Now I know the bills are paid and my son and myself have a roof over our head .
I haven't confronted him as I know it will cause a massive upset, I am planning to just carry on until a) my son is older, or b) when mortgage is finAlly paid off (around10 yrs) I can then afford to live on just my wage alone
Do you think I am being stupid?? I can't honestly say I am in love with him anymore , he works away in the week so we don't see each other that much
Hi, Katelouise,
The problem is, gambling is a progressive addiction. You're getting the housekeeping for the time being but what happens if (when?) he starts to gamble it?
I've stayed thus far but not without seriously questioning the example of marriage that we're setting for the children and the effect the whole thing has had on them. And me. Twice I have got to the point of ultimatum but both times there has been sufficient improvement to justify continuing.
No easy answers. But the usual advice to put yourself and your son first. Take care.
CW
Dear katelouise,
You mention keeping going until the mortgage is paid off but this is a progressive illness - with a cg in the picture there is always the likelihood of further financial harm which may make it difficult to ascertain that the mortgage will indeed be paid off at the predicted time. Then there are also the other harms, emotional and psychological, that can occur. I'd therefore agree with H-L and CW about putting the welfare and interests of your son and yourself first. Only you know what that means - perhaps it would be helpful to access support or even counselling / therapy (maybe call gamcare about this) while you work through the difficult options and decisions you face. It seems as though you also face uncertainty about the relationship and its future, so maybe counselling would be helpful. You also say that you haven't confronted him about the latest incident but maybe, so long as you and yor son are safe, doing so would help. With my girlfriend, it took too long before I confronted her / attempted to discuss it, both because I was in denial about her problem and because I knew what her abusive response would be - the result was that it left an unspoken issue simmering until I did finally speak to her, and that didn't do anything to help the state of our very toxic relationship. Perhaps if he can reach the stage at which he can acknowledge and address the gambling it might also give an opportunity to address other issues in the relationship and who knows where that might lead. Or where it might not lead! There are no guarantees, but support and counselling might help you as you work through the decisions and options you face, just remember that the welfare of your son and yourself are paramount here. I would therefore rethink confronting him if you can do so safely, but whatever you decide do it won't be easy so I hope you have plenty of support in place for you - people around you, the forum here, and the helpline.
I would also second the suggestion about accessing his credit files. You need to know he full picture. And I would say that if he is left with £500 disposable income each month, that is a significant amount. It might be small change to some CGs but it is more than enough to allow the problem to continue, and as long as he has access to disposable income then it can be gambled.
Good luck, and please let us know how it all goes!
Hi katelouise no your not stupid your doing what you think is best for yourself and your family at this moment in time. If you don't love him anymore have you looked into any other options? Ten years is a long time to put your life on hold. It's good that all of the bills are being paid but can you guarantee that this will continue. I know it all sounds doom and gloom. We all have decisions and choices and it is especially harder where there are children involved. Take care x wcid
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