Am I the problem? When is the last time, the last time?

Hi Rachel93. Sounds like you have been on a roller coaster ride. Well done for speaking out, there is a lot of helpful advice on here from others who unfortunately are very experienced around gambling.

I personally have a gambling problem which I am actively trying to beat once and for all. Hopefully I can help you in a small way. When I first told my loved ones of my problem I was supported financially and emotionally - rebuilding myself. I attended 12 weeks of counselling and felt strong, positive and looking forward to putting 2 years of hell behind me. After 12 months gambling free I relapsed just before New Year's Eve, I had promised my loved ones it wouldn't happen again - and I'd done exactly what I promised I wouldn't. Most CG will tell you that their loved ones are the last people they want to upset, but in reality they are the first ones affected by this destructive addiction.

This time around I have ensured I have absolutely no access to money. My debit cards are not in my possession and I have a cash card loaded with my essential expenditure - i provide a mini statement to a family member at my own request. This works for me and my family can see a big difference in me this time around - I genuinely WANT to stop gambling. My barriers are in place to protect me, which is what I want and need to succeed in my fight.

What im saying is, it doesn't seem to me that your partner WANTS to stop gambling. And without that then I'm afraid he will continue to gamble. Actions speak louder than words in my experience. Keep posting and I hope you can gain some positives from this site!

Thank you so much for you reply! It means a lot hearing from someone else who has the same problem as my partner!

We have previously tried everything - his mum even opened a bank account in her name which I had the details to which had his wages paid into and I could transfer over to my account to pay bills etc. But he always found a way around it and managed to manipulate me to give him money, stating how it's the money that he worked so hard to earn and basically guilt tripping me into giving him money here and there. We've tried hypnotherapy, counselling, self exclusion etc. I do feel there is a great lack of support for gambling addiction. I feel that gambling sites need to do more, I actually said to him the other day after he had excluded himself from two sites that self-exclusion is pointless - it is like an off license banning an alcoholic from a certain drink but they can find themselves a new variety of drink. Self exclusion really needs to be a blanket exclusion from all online gambling platforms and upon sign up identify verification should be required so that people can't simply make new accounts.

My main issue is that when we had split up he managed fine and had stopped gambling yet almost from the second I let him back into my home it started again - which makes it seem to me that just being with me is an enabling factor!

Im in my final year of studying psychology and so I understand the illness and the "dos and donts" of helping someone but it is so different in the actual situation.

Every time I hear the words "this is the last time it won't happen again" I always hope - this is it, this is that time it's going to work. I suppose I just don't know what to do - I feel like any support I give is wrong and I had run out of energy for this 9 months ago when we got back together so I definitely don't know. I'm about to make a jump in my career that would mean a substantial change in my own finances by applying for a funded PhD which would mean a regular income as opposed to student loans coming in every once in a while which scares me because the more money we have the more he gambles. He has a well paid full time job and has taken on a part time job in the evenings on average making between £600-£700 a week and from what I've learnt this evening as soon as it's paid in on Wednesday midnight it's near enough gone.

Hi Rachel, welcome to the forum 🙂

Sorry to see you here though, this is tough on our loved ones 🙁

Before I start wittering on as I am prone to do, I want to just say “No, it’s not you!” I suspect he got clean when he was on his own because he was driven into getting you back...He had a reason to work on his addiction. Now that he has his feet back under the table so to speak, he is back in the lap of luxury & no longer has a focus other than how to get away with his next bet. Whatever you made clear to him in the summer has clearly long since been forgotten. Are you enabling him, yes...Is this your doing, no! Confusing huh 🙁

You have invested a lot of you into this relationship so I get that you would like it to work but sadly, our rock bottoms have basements. Quite frankly, I am appalled that anyone would stoop so low as to send photos of ‘suicide attempts’ & whilst some people here may berate me for this & suggest it is a cry for help, most people who chose this route do so silently. People say it’s the cowards way out but there’s nothing easy about taking your own life & for him to be sending you photos suggests it was all part of his sick campaign of terror.

I’m not very good @ the psychology of it all and usually, I would be saying get some support for your co-dependency but if I were in your shoes, I think I would probably be sticking around out of fear? If that’s the case then not only will I say get to a CoDA meeting for some real life support but also give the National Domestic Violence helpline a call

0808 2000 247 or check out the website

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

because they can help with exit strategies should you eventually go down this route. Violence isn’t just physical & doesn’t just happen behind closed doors.

You & his loved ones could wear yourself out doing things for him but unless you find a way to shut of his money supply, you won’t stop him gambling & even if you figure out a way to control the money flow, it won’t stop him being an addict. Dos & donts are all very well but as you say, when you’re living it, the ‘rule book’ is almost impossible to follow...I am in recovery, my mother isn’t & even though I think I’m being strong, I have rolled over financially a number of times since accepting that this doesn’t help.

There is help out there for us, unfortunately it requires our full commitment, including in most cases, handing over finances (full access to credit reports & being accountable for spending if that’s what you need for your sanity)...Whilst this basic part of recovery is a battle, he’s not there yet. I spent many many years saying “no more” @ the end of another day of throwing away every penny I could get my hands on but as soon as I had access to money again, the words were a distant memory. He has manipulated you into thinking you are somehow responsible for his behaviour, sneakily ‘proved’ that without you he can live a normal life...If that’s really the case, why would he stick around.

You have an amazing opportunity with your PhD (congrats by the way) & that in itself is going to be very hard work so you really do need a good support network around you (GamAnon will also provide this) as you figure out how you want to move forwards. It’s time for you to figure out how to stop living in his shadow & start looking after you for a change.

I wish you courage & every strength moving forwards - ODAAT

Hi Rachel I'm so saddened to see your story, how many more of us are there? As Odaat says, it's not you, not your fault. There are ways and means but you have to be strong and he has to be the 'driver', he has to want to stop. So the reason he gambles when he's with you is he thinks he can afford to. You pay, you pay the bills, the debts. Manipulation. Accomplished cgs are accomplished liars, accomplished manipulators. Safeguarding yourself is priority. I would get a safe. Change everything cards, account. I don't do any checking of bank account when my cg is around. If you do control finances you have to do it 100%. His money straight to you, cash for necessities and receipts with change to the penny. If he wants to stop he will do this. He also needs to see gp. GA and counselling. All available free. You need to follow your dreams. Get on with your PhD. You can't believe a word he says. You need to see change. You have to change too. Stop giving him money, bailing him out. It's his debt, his mess. Gamanon and counselling are available to you too. You can do those things without him. My cg continued secretly for many years. You are not alone and it is not unusual to be deceived. They don't want you to find out. Unfortunately you can't do this for him, but if you start to change your reactions you may see a change in him. As Odaat says if you're not safe then get help. Keep asking questions, call gamcare and talk to someone asap.

Hi

I'm sorry to see this but have to agree with ODAAT. This man is abusing and manipulating you. It's worth questioning why you think it's OK for him to behave like this towards you.

You haven't caused any of this and you can't influence whether or not he stops but you are in control of how you react to his appalling behaviour and what if anything you tolerate. For now get the finances locked down. If he's finding out your card details order new ones (maybe to another family member's address?) and scratch the code off the back before he can get to them.

Once you've secured the finances you have breathing space to decide your next move but bear in mind an active addiction that remains unaddressed gets progressively worse. A CG who won't give up can and will drag everyone around down with them.

Hi there

Sorry to hear what you're going through.

I've not posted for a while as I kicked my CG boyfriend out but I still pop in now and again. Mainly to take off the rose tinted glasses!

When I saw that you maybe thought this was your fault I couldn't 'read and run'. This is not your fault! As the saying goes you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it.

So I am probably biased however what are you getting from your relationship? Is it based on love, mutual respect and trust?

You must put yourself first. If you are staying set clear boundaries and enforce them. If you are leaving you will still need to set boundaries that you can and will enforce if necessary.

I suffered weeks of manipulation which I found out later included disturbing posts on Facebook. I stopped all contact and blocked him. I still don't answer the phone if I don't recognise the number.

When CG's know that they have a roof over their head and food on the table there's nothing to stop them from continuing their addiction. In a way you're unwittingly enabling him. There's no consequences for them if they blow their money.

If you can support yourself financially I would cut and run. If not prepare yourself for a lifetime of this or a lifetime of being vigilant about finances which is fine if that's what yoy want to do.

Sure I felt bad about throwing in the towel. No-one wants their relationship to end if their were good times along with the not so good.

My ex spent over a month (including Xmas and NY) in a psychiatric hospital following the breakup. But that wasn't my problem anymore. Harsh but they are grown adults and need to take some responsibility.

My life is simple now. When you're stuck in a mess like this your awareness of what a normal, healthy relationship is becomes warped.

You must of course do what is right for you but never, ever think any of this is your fault.

xxx

Thank you so much for your replies. I have been trying to reply but there seems to be a problem when I try to post 🙁

I tried to end the relationship last night only for it to be ignored and to be emotionally blackmailed.

I literally feel like I am suffocating. I have told him I no longer have the energy to support him in his recovery and I won't be lied to constantly. I understand his problem, I do, but I just can't take it anymore. The stress it puts on our family and how our children are modelling relationships on ours. But today he has been oh so remorseful, making so much effort and I just want to scream.

He ODAAT - I found the suicide attempts extremely offensive and I made him aware of that. - I have truly felt like my life wasn't worth living and as a result spent an extended time in a psychiatric hospital. He videoed himself attempting to hang himself and sent it to anyone who had even a faint connection to me - even the man that used to live in my house before I moved in. I had people messaging me concerned and I felt sick thinking how he had caused to much concern amongst people with nothing to do with it all just to get back at me.

The first time I let him see our children he texted me and told me he had taken an overdose so I obviously concerned for their welfare flew over to his mum and dads house to get them which was just a ploy to get me there before it was their collection time.

After very clearly stating last night that I just couldn't it anymore - the lies, the guilt trips and the manipulation he then told me to prepare for him to go of the rails even worse. To which I screamed fine just forget everything I've said and I'll be eternally unhappy. For today for him to be constantly looking for affection and writing out plans to get rid of his problem.

I really do want him to get a hold of this problem but I cannot be a part of it anymore - which I also feel guilty for.

Rachel, you have NOTHING to be feeling guilty for! He controls his actions & as you say, it’s not just about you, you have children to think about that aren’t just the Pawns that he treats them like. I understand why you would stay (what you have been through is terrifying) but I urge you to get the help you need to follow your want. Although whilst he’s on the subject of writing out plans, given that a clean break is highly unlikely, why not add your suggestions (GA &/ counselling, handing over finances) into the mix. I know he’s not exactly rational but better trying to negotiate whilst he’s on his A game than when he’s a raging bull!

P.s: You’re not trying to use emojis when you post are you? Many a good line has been sucked off into cyber space because of a smiley (or seven).

Ohhh that must have been it!

I just feel guilty in so many ways, I let him back into our lives, into our new home for him to repeat his actions, not only have my children had to deal with not seeing him for 8 weeks at a time when we split up, and when he did see them it was crocodile tears the whole time, but they have got used to him being around again and it breaks my heart thinking of the upset it's going to cause. My daughter already has been displaying signs of a mood disorder (which may be partially genetic).

I'm meeting his mum and dad tomorrow afternoon to hopefully help me figure a way out and also ensure that he doesn't actually cause himself harm

He’s the father of your children & had given you every reason to believe that he had his addiction under control, why wouldn’t you give it a go...If you hadn’t, you would have probably been forever wondering “what if”. We are masters of manipulation, sometimes we even start believing our own lies so forgive yourself for making what you now know to be a mistake. As sad as it is going to be for everyone concerned, living in a house with an active addict is hell...If your daughter is displaying the signs here & now whilst he is back in the home, could that not mean that she is already unsettled? Boundaries have become blurred & regardless of whether or not they are aware of his gambling, they will be picking up on moods & unhappiness. If she is genetically predisposed to a mood disorder, she more so than a healthy child needs love & nurture in a safe environment which you can’t provide if you feel like you’re drowning.

I hope that your meeting with his parents goes well & that you find some comfort from being here. Remember, advisors are only a phone call away so if you or any people affected by his gambling have questions or think you would benefit from free counselling offered by GamCare then go for it.

IThanks so much for your replies ODAAT. I think if nothing more he is showing me his complete selfishness. He has no problem at all with the fact that I can't do it anymore as long as he "has me" as he puts it.

I think the main reason I gave him another go, other than the fact I did truly believe he had sorted his issues out was that idea of having my family back together which to any bystander looked insane after the very much public torment he put me through which is also even now a manipulating factor. I keep thinking do I want to go back to 200 messages a day that one minute claim I'm his everything and the next tell me what a disgrace I am. My daughter is actually starting a 6 week course tomorrow about emotions so I can't help but think this is the best time to end this again. I go back to university at the end of the month and I'm begining to write my dissertation so it's probably my time to be selfish. I'm going to sign up for counselling at uni when I go back because I am consumed with guilt.

I made it clear when we got back together I was excercising a zero tolerance policy in regards to policy - and at the very least he had to be honest if he relapsed since he had been doing so well without me. I turned a blind eye to numerous blips which obviously turned out to me more than that. I should have stuck strong to my boundaries then, maybe then it would be easier than this mess that we have now!

Echo advice to find meetings and stick with them. At the moment the chaos and drama are familiar but they’re dysfunctional and it’s not so easy to make changes to you. Meetings with others in a similar position will help you learn how to detach, so that his crisis is no longer yours, and they will teach you to value yourself so that you begin to be less attracted to addicts and those who need fixing. Once you know your own worth, it’s difficult to be around people who don’t.

We teach people how to treat us by what we tolerate, what we stop and what we reinforce.

You have choices, the starting point is to get the help and support for you so that you are able to make the best choices for you. It isn’t easy, it usually gets worse before it gets better but the alternative is staying where you are. And your children learn by your example.

Keep the focus on you, take care.

CW

Hi Rachel try not to regret your choices. You had every good intention to reunite your family. You are not responsible for him, his behaviour or his manipulation. We can't fix them. He may have been gambling while you were separated but hid it. Concentrate on yourself. Try not to be pulled into the argument of 'if you leave me I'll do ....' This is your life and you have every right to be happy. If he's not willing to stop then you have choices. The choice to not continue, to live your life. Emotional blackmail is incredibly hard to deal with. I always say 'I'm not entering into the arena'. With compulsive gambling there is no honesty. Their minds are in chaos and addiction is ruling. Be strong, do what's best for you.