Am I the problem? When is the last time, the last time?

If you hadn't tried you might always have wondered 'what if'. You've given it your best shot and now you know. Stick like glue to what you want and what's best for you. Don't be drawn into the dramatics - CG's can turn in an oscar worthy performance when it suits them. He's making his own choices but he doesn't get to dictate yours.

Hi Rachel,

Im sorry to hear you story, you have found out the hard way what its like living with a compulsive gambler. Dont for a second think it cannot get any worse, nothing is beyond us when it comes to feeding our habit as you have seen with the emotional blackmail. Make no mistake that if he does not admit what he is and really seek help that he could not only destroy his own life but that of you and his children.

I know you blame yourself for a lot of it as your behaviour has enabled his but that is a pointless blame game, he is resposabile for his actions end of story. As a compulsive gambler I became very good at telling lies, blaming others and in general being a horrible selfish person. I could justify anything and refused to be a responsbile adult, I had to reach rock bottom before I faced up to my problem and sought help. Before that I would not admit I was a compulsive gambler, I knew there was an issue but even with coucilling I would not go the final step to admitting it, becaus deep down I knew it meant no more gambling.

GA changed my life as it changed my mindset. Being totally open and honest is the only way forward, and already life is far better especially my relationships. It can be the same for your partner but its something he has to do himself. Given his past he needs to put up some barriers to protect himself from himself. Its not an easy thing to do but if he is serious about recovery then he will do what it takes. His life will improve once he does not gamble, any form, even raffle tickets. But for an addict you cannot just stop, so you have to put barriers up to make it really difficult if not impossible to gamble.

The first barrier is to deny access to gambling by self exclusion and blocking software. So he can self exclude from all the sites and shops he gambled in (best if your with himwhen he does this) and you can also purchase Gamban software for any phones, laptops etc (it cost 10 quid per year but bloack all gambing sites). This restricts his ability to gamble, the next one is finances and is really the most important. Again most people find this difficult but if they are seriousabout recovery they will realise it's absolutely necessary. Ideally you should take full control of the finances for the forseeable future (remember we are CG's for life, recovery is not a cure). So he could have his wages paid into your account, or you should have control over his account. He should have no access to funds except via yourself. If he needs money for soemthing you can put it into his account (you need access to it so you can see what he is spending it on) and if he needs cash he has to produce a reciept to show what he spent it on. He should get a credit rating which you have access to so you can see if he has any borrowings that you dont know about. I know this seems extreme but believe me its essential.

Its important you aware of teh extent of support needed if you have a CG as part of your family. There can be no half measures and it will take effort on your part to be vigilant. Any gambling by him then has to be the final straw and let im know this. You need to have finacnces and everything in place for this should it happen.

Like with any addiction the worst thing family or partners can do is bail them out or continue on as if all is ok, tough love is nessecary for you and your family's sake. If you have any questions at all feel free to ask. I wish you well.

UPDATE*

He freely admits he is addicted to gambling however I don't believe he actually believes it - I believes he uses it as an easy way out amongst the lieing and stealing. After speaking to his mum yesterday and asking her if she could take him off my hands a nightmare ensued.

He left work early to come home because he couldn't be away from me for so long, decided right before I put my children to bed would be the best time to do this. Sat and cried and asked me to give him another chance. I told him I would speak to him when they went to bed. This then turned into the one sided conversation that it always does. No matter how many times I told him I needed to do what was best for all of us he always had another reply. I tried to explain that I just don't have what it takes to support his recovery and I don't want to risk being let down again. I'm 25, I'm in my final year of uni and I have two children, I suffer from depression, anxiety disorder and OCD - I've tried to support him before but now I need to put myself first and I don't feel like I should have a further burden upon my own mental health. Almost 6 years of trying to have belief in someone and being let down constantly has taken its toll, gambling wasn't the only problem in our relationship. He projected his guilt from lieing to me on to me so was extremely paranoid and controlling (one night wonder why on earth I gave him a chance after having split up for 6 months). After an hour of trying to get my point across without it being twisted or interuppted a further 3 hours of suicide threats and begging went on. Anytime I lifted my phone I was questioned who I was texting and threatened with I'm going to go and kill myself if you text his mum or my mum. Eventually my mum just told me if it's over tell him to leave and let him sort out where he goes he's an adult and is 7 years older than me so he should kind of be more responsible? I felt like the most horrible person in the world telling him to leave knowing he had no where to go and the fact there was heavy snow last night. To put my mind at ease he had some cash he had given me in the house and I transferred him enough money for a hotel room for the night (I know I shouldn't but I couldn't have lived with myself knowing he would be sleeping in the snow because I kicked him out) he then tried to make out like he was sleeping in his car and freezing however one of his friends messaged me this morning telling me if he does to me what he did the last time to go straight to the police and basically told me he was glad that I kicked him out and good luck. I'm hoping the drama and him being kicked out in such horrible circumstances with no where to go is his rock bottom and from there he can rebuild his life.

I can't help feeling horribly guilty though now that I'm sitting on my own with my two children in bed sleeping.

Good on you girl!

It can’t have been easy to stand your ground under such stressful circumstances, especially with what you went through previously & I really hope you find a way to process your guilt so that you can see this for the incredibly brave move that it is. When I hear your story, I think it’s little wonder that you are depressed & anxious...I understand that your health concerns probably preceded the relationship but I can’t see how he has done anything except aggravate them. You need stability for yourself & your children...The continual switching of emotions is controlling & I'm sure very damaging to your well being as I’m guessing it means you are constantly on edge.

You really don’t need to be too concerned with what is right or wrong in regards to ensuring he had money to keep warm...If he chose to sleep in his car, that’s on him! He’s had every opportunity & more to get the help he needs to be a supportive father & husband & has chosen his wits over you guys every time. Taking this stand means that @ least you & your children have somewhere to sleep because many a CG has put themselves & their families on the street.

It sounds like you have a pretty good support system around you anyway but if you think it would be of any help, I would be happy to swap email addresses with you? Just drop

forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk

an email & say you would like to...If you refer them to this post number they may automatically pass it over but in any case they usually facilitate this pretty quickly.

It always seem crazy to say some things to complete strangers but I am proud that you have taken this stand & I wish you every strength going forwards - Kelly

Hello Rachel93

We just want to say well done for making the difficult decision to tell your partner to leave. It must have taken so much strength. You are very welcome to give us a call on the Freephone HelpLine 0808 8020 133 if you want to talk it over. If you want to accept ODAAT's offer of exchanging email addresses please email us at forum.admin@gamcare.org.uk. But have a look at our guidance for forum members on exchanging contact details, and don't feel you have to agree if you don't feel comfortable to.

Take care,

Deirdre
Forum Admin

I'm a bit taken aback with myself the fact I was able to do it again (this will be the last time, I can't take the risk, no matter how small of our lives going back to how it was)

ODAAT - I'll send over an email to admin now! Would be more than happy to exchange email addresses! I know even now that the relationship has ended I'm still going to be affected by his recovery.

Today is a crappy day - had my first real cry since I made him leave. Thinking about how could he would be if he is sleeping in the car - but I never really will know what he's up to because he can't tell the truth. I used to joke to people that if I asked him how much toast he had for breakfast I couldn't believe him I'd have to count the slices of bread left to know the truth.

When we split up last year I ended up being put on diazapam, sleeping tablets and had to start re-taking antipsychotic medication on top of my normal meds just to make it through the day. Due to this I had to defer my exams at uni and was very very worried how my classification would be affected but I appear to work better under stressful and impossible circumstances!I felt crappy last night with every time a car door shut or every time a noise happened outside jumping out of my skin. Luckily I have a jack Russel that goes bananas is anyone is outside the house - I can tell when the postman has come even before the letterbox is touched!

Thank you so much for all of the support! I really appreciate it.

Hi Rachel,

Well done on the step you have taken. You have shown that your the responsible adult in all of this and have protected your family. He needs to take reposability for his own actions and maybe one day who knows you may be happy together, but thats all down to him. He may harm himself or worse but none of that is your fault, as compulsive gamblers we use the guilt card a lot and try to be controlling, you however have educated yourself on the issue and stood your ground.

You are a young woman with a family so its a very brave and wise decision you have made so you should be proud of it even if you get flack from his family or friends. The road ahead is not easy thats for sure but there would be no road if the status quo was maintained so well done once again.