Hi everyone
I'm new to this so please bear with me. My husband of almost 5 years is a gambler and he has tried getting helped. He has also put measures in place to reduce his access to money. However there are of course times when he returns to gambling. In April he lost around ВЈ5k and about two weeks ago £1k. I have helped him over the yeats pay off loans, credit cards pay day loans etc. He is supposed to get his wages paid into my bank account and I manage all our bills etc. He gets everything paid for and then gets an allowance.
This month however he took his wages and only put £300 in my account. Of course it all disappeared.
The difficulty is while he wants me to look after the money and it goes well for about a fortnight he then gets frustrated at not having access to money. We have tried various systems where I give him ВЈ50 at pay day and ВЈ50 a week as well. This didn't work and he asked me to just give him ВЈ5 a day. When he gambled 2 weeks ago he asked me to just give him ВЈ2 a day. If he needs extra i trnasfer money electronically to his account. But of course now he wants more. He wants £500 a month. My issue is what he needs this for. He doesn't have to buy or pay for anything I do all that. He might save a bit but then as has happened before, he will just gamble what he has saved.
I think £500 a month is too much given that he doesn't have to pay any bills or buy anything. The only thing I know he uses it for is to go out to the pub after work or to buy his lunch - he doesn't need to always do this as he can take a packed lunch.
Am I being unreasonable? We had a lovely weekend and then all of a sudden he flipped and said he was leaving me. Now this morning he told me that I have to let him take £500 or that's it.
Please help...am I being unreasonable or should I just give him what he wants?
Hi
If anything I would say you're not being 'unreasonable' enough. If he is serious about quitting he will do everything it takes and the very first, most basic part of that is handing over all financial control along with opening up every aspect of his finances. That means you having access to his credit reports so you know the true extent of the debt (quite likely there will be some, possibly substantial) and whether there are any hidden bank accounts he's channelling things he doesn't want you to see through.
The frustration at no access to money is an alarm bell you should be listening to. When it rang here, it later transpired Mr L was opening loans and conning the kids out of their savings via my son's bank account while spinning me all sorts of lines. We believe it because it's what we want to hear but it's very unwise to take anything a CG says on trust. We need to see proof of everything at all times. If he has an allowance, you need to see the receipts for what he's bought. Mr L managed to keep the addiction afloat with £10 a week that I naively believed wouldn't matter even if it all disappeared down a machine's greedy throat (which of course it did). I see receipts for everything even now and his allowance is spent through an account I monitor daily.
Your husband doesn't sound ready to give up and if he's not, he won't. Anything you suggest to hinder his access to cash or gambling is likely to meet with resistance and anger but that doesn't mean you don't have choices. They lie with how much of the behaviour that goes with active addiction you're prepared to tolerate and what you want to feel safe.
Read up on the addiction, get RL support from friends and family, Gamcare who offer counselling to partners and family and groups such as Gamanon. Think about what you want and need and put yourself and your interests first in everything. All the time he's gambling you are the only one who will.
Hi I think the question should be is he being unreasonable? My cg went to work with 50p his lunch and his Oyster card. If he'd gone with £500 he'd have about £10,000 debt by now. Call the helpline or go to a gamanon meeting and learn how to deal with him. As Lethe says look after yourself and your money.
Hi,
For him, reasonableness doesn't exist, all he wants is to fulfil his urge to use/gamble. Nothing else matters.
For you to try to rationalise with the irrational or reason with the unreasonable threatens you. It's not good for your mental health or self esteem and the addict will always twist and manipulate you to where he wants to be. In this case, into letting him have joint money required for joint living expenses against your better judgement.
The way forward is to get help for you to deal with the situation that you're in, to make things better for you. Call the Helpline, try counselling and GamAnon or CoDA meetings. You need support and accurate information to cope and if you are minded to do it, to change your situation.
Be assured that there's no "of course" about a return to gambling. The GA program, like all Twelve Step programs works when the addict works it. It's when it's not worked that the inevitable happens. If he wants to stop, there's a lot he can do to get help for himself. But you can't choose for him, only for you. So keep the focus on what you need to do for you.
CW
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