And there it was........All gone!!!!! I had no idea at all!!!!

WARNING: This is very long people, and I have mainly written it for cathartic reasons, feel free not to read.

Hi Everyone

Allow me to introduce myself myself I am a 58 year old woman who has been married for 33 years. I have raised my husbands three children, my two children and one of ours. As the Americans would say, a beautiful blended family, no one has ever been “step” this and “step” that, all equal, my children were a blessing and I feel privileged to have had them. During this time I have worked, worked really hard. My husband and I are both professionals (whatever that means) and consider ourselves to have high moral standards, although we are no saints, we have made mistakes and learned a lot along the way. I have 9 beautiful grandchildren and they bring me pure joy, spending time with them is a highlight to my week, whether we stay in and play or go to McDonalds or a soft play area or the cinema. I particularly like the cinema and consider that children having fond memories of their favourite films, integral to their up bringing, along with the usual stuff of course but as a grandparent we are allowed to overlook some essentials.

My Husband is also 58, hard working, provider and proverbial rock of the family. He is handsome, funny, reliable and honest. He is warm and generous of spirit, knowledge, time and his possessions. He loved his job and was well respected, I have never met anyone who did not like him. It is common place for me to look in the mirror and think what did I do to get this guy? He has invested his wages wisely for our retirement and we have shared our dreams, working together to make it happen.

Because we have had such a large family from a very young age and never been alone we have planned relentlessly for our retirement and it looks something like this. Retire, buy an old motorhome, travel while refurbishing it. Get a dog to travel with. Travel round Europe for 4 years ish. Coming back periodically to see the family. After that, swap out the motorhome for a canal boat. As of yet we cannot agree between long boat and narrow boat. Then, when we feel we are slowing down a bit we will go to the really cheap less travelled countries, rent apartments or flats for three months at a time and see as much of the world as we can till we can no longer keep that up, then retire to a rented bungalow and have a couple of cruises a year. Early retirement is a big thing for me as I have osteoarthritis everywhere and a few other chronic health problems, we are going to do as much as we can while we can, we have earned it, planned and invested for it.

We retired in 2015 but we were renovating a house and waiting for it to sell, we also had a new grandchild and wanted to be around for the Christening. So we didn’t go travelling until April 2016, we went to the Dordogne in France and worked on a campsite for the summer season, while travelling and starting the refurbishment on the motorhome. Then we came home at the end of September and went to our son’s wedding in Mauritius in October. After that we stayed home for Christmas, we didn’t set off again until March time in 2017. This was because my husbands father was showing signs of early dementia so we wanted to make sure we had put everything in place to keep him safe. We travelled slowly through France and down the South side of Spain, but in the July we got a phone call saying my husbands father wasn’t to well so my husband flew home and left me and the pooch in Spain for about a month, while the father in law got better and underwent essential tests. We were told that the father in law had early Alzheimer’s, so again my husband made sure medication and care within the family were sorted. When he got back to me I became ill and spent some time in hospital in Valencea. Because of the extreme heat we decided to travel to the north side of Spain and eventually back up through France to return to the UK in September. This was because my husband had some business interests to sort out in the Gambia. He was gone for three months, meanwhile I got a little job as Mrs Christmas over the Christmas period. At the same time the father in law deteriorated quite significantly and needed daily care several times a day, so I took on the role of carer. When my husband returned from the Gambia we decided that we could no longer leave the father in law on his own, he was not taking medication properly, doing strange things in the night. Usual symptoms of Alzheimer’’s. So we moved in with him to take care of him and put all our plans on hold. There were other options available to us but not ones that were right for us as a family. That was just over a year ago now, looking after the father in law has in fact improved his health a little.

Our personal lives, our feelings! This area is not quite so easy to quantify. I know back in 2014 for certain our marriage definitely had cracks appearing. I am a very articulate woman and I also have great instincts so I tried and tried to talk to my husband, who kind of made me feel I was somewhat paranoid. He always wanted to know the specifics of what was wrong. What exactly had he done? Why was I criticising him, it didn’t matter what he did it was not right. While at the same time saying things like, it’s tough at work at the moment it will all get better when I retire. It improved a bit when he retired but not for long. Even at the wonderful retirement party I had done for my husband, and with the lovely gift I got for him, I got nothing in return, not flowers or a thank you card or even a verbal thank you. Then we went travelling, it wasn’t bad the first time but he always seemed to have something to worry about. By this time I had amended my behaviour so much I was hardly recognisable. I didn’t make a fuss, if I couldn’t get anywhere when trying to talk to him I would clam up and say things like it doesn’t matter. I felt like I didn’t matter, the arguments distressed me so much and I ended up feeling all sorts of negative feelings about myself till living with what ever the problem was, was easier than trying to find a solution. When we went away the second time it was much more difficult. We had an argument which I won’t forget as long as I live! It wasn’t the content of the argument at all, it was about something very trivial. I had said that my husband was a very thoughtless road user and he didn’t take into account other drivers feelings, and that driving so aggressively made me very nervous, having tried to address this numerous times before in a much more tactful way. This row escalated to a level I couldn’t believe but it wasn’t the row that distressed me the most, it was a look, a look I had never seen before or since to be fair, but it was a look of hatred and contempt. I no longer felt emotionally safe with this man! Although I decided to travel home alone I lacked the courage (not the courage to travel but the courage to leave him) and stayed. When we came home in September, I suggested that counselling might give him someone to talk to, I said he was obviously unhappy and I had not been able to help so perhaps an outsider might help. He humoured me and went and we talked about the sessions but it kind of didn’t make sense to me and I felt he wasn’t really engaging with it. Then he was off to the Gambia I was relieved and grateful to spend sometime alone and I was ok alone. When he return ed from the Gambia he was pleased to see me and I him, he had missed me and he felt a little closer to me. He had had a hard time concluding the business in Gambia and he felt close to the edge of a break down several times he said. Again this closeness evaporated very very quickly. I can honestly say the last two years of my life have been the loneliest and most alone I have ever felt. Even on days when I have had a lovely time with my family I would return back to the father in laws and my husband would literally suck the life out of me. If we have had s*x twice a year over the last few years I’m lucky and even then I have practically had to beg for it. I started going out to work at a temporary job for the company and when I came home there wouldn’t be a meal waiting and very few, if any chores were done. He would say he was going to watch the news with his father and come back to me hours later even though I was only in the other room. I started to think he had stomach problems he spent that long in the loo. I would often think of buying something or going somewhere but my husband would say we couldn’t afford it. Sometimes I would challenge this and he would say I can go through it all with you if you want and then I would feel bad and say of course not you must have it right. For the last year or so he has encouraged me to shop for my clothes in the charity shops, almost making a game out of it showing what you can get for how much less. About September last year I asked my husband to try again with the counselling, this time with me, as a couple as I was feeling so low, I no longer sleep at night. That’s when it feels the worst to me, at night, when I’m laid in the bed in the dark next to a man who doesn’t seem to know I exist. Being with someone who has absolutely no idea how I feel, someone who has no concept at all to what is going on around him. This counselling was quite useful to me in getting me to look at what I want but in no way did it help me and my husband feel closer, he dealt with one token issue but I still knew he wasn’t engaging. However, the counsellor said to me “are you trying to change him into something he isn’t” and once again I felt the d**n thing was my fault! I’m not really sure why but the finances are low and apparently we can’t afford any more counselling so we agree to go off and see how we are in January 2019. Christmas was hard, again I don’t know why, I sit up at night in the lounge and watch tv or just stare, he never comes to look for me, he never notices I’m gone. December 26^th, Boxing Day Night, again I sit all alone in the lounge in the middle of the night assessing my options. Thirty Three years I have been with this man, can I do another thirty living like this? The answer was no! So there I sat, wondering how this will all end, where could I go? What could I do? By now it was after 4am in the morning and for some inexplicable reason he came to look for me, to see if I was all right? So I told him where I was at. I can do this no more. But, I said it is too late in the night to have any sensible conversation could we please talk about it in the morning. The next morning he was ill! Can’t get out of bed ill! Must be a stomach bug or something he had eaten. He looked pathetic and limp. I made sure he had medication, fluids and the like and I’m afraid I went out. I wanted to talk about something very important and he wasn’t up to it! I came home at tea time, he was up and dressed, still looking very pale. He asked me to sit down in a certain spot, “he wanted to talk to me” (as usual in his time) and he kind of pins me down which I hate. So I demanded he just bloody talk to me like a normal human being and said I didn’t want to be trapped in a corner. To which he said would I read this letter. I did. My life was turned upside down. Ok, I thought, here it comes, bring it on, you’ve been having an affair for years, you no longer want to be with me! God how I wish that was what I read!

Dear…….

I am so very sorry my darling. I have been a fool for a long time now, I have run up over £5000 of debt on a credit card gambling online. (Don’t be sucked in by that line for one minute, I was!)

To do this I have lied to you, and kept it a secret for too long. At first it was easy to tell myself I wouldn’t tell you as I was in control, and would pay it off as it was only £100 a month. Then it became a bigger secret. Every day I told more lies to hide it. I secretly made payments and occasionally won a bit.

Gradually my debt grew to £1000 and stupidly I carried on trying to win enough to cover it, of course I just lost more. As time has gone on and the deceit continued I just squashed it down inside and felt worse and worse about myself and what I was doing.

It became a constant worry about you finding out and what I knew it would do to you. I think I am probably such a mess because of what I have done and what sort of person I have become. I am so sorry to have abused your trust in this way.

I don’t remember the date it started but it is more than 5 years on and off, sometime between my Nan dying and retiring. If you want to know any details I will of course tell you.

I know that it is a really really awful thing to have done, I realise I have abused your trust and lied to you on a huge scale and I am truly sorry.

Because of where we are at the moment and because I am at risk of losing you, because I have messed myself up so well that I have nothing left inside to sort things out. This is what forced me to face up to what I have done and finally be truly honest with you. (please don’t fall for this either)

I am so sorry that I have done this and done it for so long.

I knew that with the deceit continuing I would have no chance of sorting myself out mentally, but also what a blow it will be to you when I tell you. You don’t deserve this and I hate myself for doing it to you.

I don’t know if we can survive such a betrayal, but I would like to try. I am sure you will never trust me again and doubt that you will want to be with me, I hope I can improve from here and hope I haven’t killed you in the process.

I can only tell you I was literally on the floor reading this sobbing uncontrollably. You may note the letter was unsigned and there was no mention of his love for me. That stuck out above all else to me. Nor is it honest,and lacks considerable detail. Allow me to fill in the blanks. It was nearer six years not that it matters. There was a good £5,500 plus put on my credit cards. There was a further £2,600 that I had to discover for myself “borrowed” from his fathers bank account!!!! (I have immediately paid that back as it horrified me so much). So I have over £8,000 of debt and finally, there is no mention of our bank accounts being drained dry, probably about £30,000. There is nothing left, I have no home, no retirement dream, no money, no meaningful relationship with my husband. At the age of 58 the rug has been pulled from under my feet. Everything I absolutely believe in is false. Everything I worked for gone! I could have coped better if he had gone out and blown it all overnight or over a week. But 6 years of lies and deceit? It’s the stupid little lies that are worse, the ones he didn’t have to tell. It’s the complete loss of my dreams and the loss of a man I held in such high esteem. It’s being made to feel I was in the wrong all the time, believing I was a bad person. Please forgive me for what I write next as I do not usually use such profanity, but I had resorted to calling myself a C**T, an ugly C**T, a useless C**T, a nasty C**T, one hell of a b***h! I must be for my husband to hate me so! And now I feel that way because “he could never have done that to a nice person”.

So where am I now? Now that I have had enough time to stop feeling sorry for myself and regroup? First of all, I have had to take on the role of finances for my own piece of mind. I have put the debt on an interest free card for now. I have gone through every account to make sure there are no more surprises to come, ie credit card withdrawals that haven’t gone through yet. I have put the banking apps on my phone to make it easy for me to check the balance daily (this is all new stuff and a learning curve for me) I have written out a very meagre monthly budget, because that is all I can afford. I have insisted on three things from my husband, he does all the blocking himself from all sites, casinos and bookies, he engages fully with counselling and any return to gambling will truthfully lead to the end of any relationship with me.

I am the one that needs to go to work to pay the debt as my husband is a full time carer for his father and of the two roles I would rather got to work and seek some company. I am fervently job seeking, I send out 2 to 4 cv’s every day, I have had no joy yet. I will clear all this debt and put money back in the bank, and when my husbands father is no longer with us, my husband will join in this quest. I have been job hunting for two weeks now and not had a nibble, however I have good qualifications and it is a numbers game. I will support my husband in his recovery because I have 27 years of experiencing a wonderful person and I believe in time he will return to me. However, I feel my husband needs some time and space to work on himself. I need space to keep my energy levels up and positive, if I am to work full time successfully. So for now we are living separately, he with his father and me in our motorhome on the drive of my sons house. It is no walk in the park and the night times are still when I feel my most vulnerable and lonely, but no more lonely than I have for the last two years. I also attend counselling. My only fear which I am determined to conquer is that when I have done all this will I still be able to travel and see some of the life we promised ourselves.

Where is my husband at right now? He has been very low and the culmination of everything, the gambling, the lies, the secrets, the money loss and the shame have made him feel quite physically ill. For the first couple of weeks it was all he could do to ban himself from the sites etc., He made and kept an appointment at the doctors where he discussed his depression and anxiety. The doctor put him on anti depressants and my husband has made a self referral to the Talking Shop which is our local counselling service. He rang and spoke to Gamcare and they also provided some counselling for him, which he has now started. He has read a book about worry and stress and is now reading a book on how to stop gambling. He is an excellent 28 days gambling free and still has no urges to gamble. He has discussed what has happened with our children openly which I have great respect for. He is still filled with horror and apologises regularly. He is becoming more open about discussing things with me, even when the discussions get difficult. Although showing warmth and connection is beyond him still. He has a very poor memory at the moment and a severe lack of organisational skills but it seems to get a little better every week. His personal appearance seems to mean a little more to him now and it is nice to see him smartening up. He has made every effort to listen to and join in the reorganisation of the finances and he continues to take good care of his father.

I’m not sure what the future holds for us, whether we will make it as a couple and come out of it stronger together, or whether we will separate, but I’m sure we will be stronger individuals when we have worked through this current phase in our lives.