I will no longer allow gambling to ruin my life….

@traceyj I LOVE that Tracey, let’s keep living 🤗

@837aobfmvu - Em, thank you so much for your message. I found solace in so many diaries when I started and I still do. I replaced my gambling addiction with a reading diaries addiction. I went back years, and read every diary on here. Some tragic stories, some unresolved that I'm dying to know the outcome of, and many success stories. Recovery is a lonely place sometimes and knowing others are in the same situation is comforting. Bottom line is that we are all in exactly the same situation. Amount of money doesn't really come into it. You earn more, you lose more. We are all broke, and the only way to fix it is to stop. It took me decades to realise this. Dread to think of the money I've lost. Luckily I've always had a job so there has always been hope at the end of the month. That hope usually lasted 2-3 days, then I would be broke and stressed for the rest of the month again. the same cycle as everyone else.

So glad to see you are focused and determined. It can be done. You seem to be on the right path. Trust me, it's the road you want to be on. Life is so much better now. So much free time to enjoy life. You forget what life is really like. For me, I didn't even know what real life was like. I gambled from my teens. Was always in debt. I'm in my 40s now and finally know what it's like to be a proper adult!

Good luck. I'll be lurking on your diary daily!!

Stay strong 👍 

Em, glad to hear from you! I always think about you on here because at the start of my journey you was here and active. Sorry to hear about the relapse but honestly so glad your back! Your smashing the hardest day now the first few! Here to talk anytime just put on a post and il keep an eye out.  Good luck Em! You got this!! 

Day 8

Woke up today with lots of energy and feeling positive but ending the day feeling beat and lethargic. My mood is so up and down, I don’t know whether I’m coming or going. Lots of thoughts about gambling, not necessarily to win back losses but to escape my current worthless existence and reality. It feels like I am missing something, like I’m empty and need to fill a void but I don’t know what with.

It really helps reading posts from Weirdfish and Dazza. Thank you both for taking the time to message me. Knowing I have support on this forum seriously helps. Tracey, Tazman, Besidemyself and Deborah. That’s 6 people that have all taken the time and effort to show me support. I’m not alone in here.

I will watch my video soon and pray it works its magic again.

Em x

Day 9

I’m writing my entry a little early today.

Today is bittersweet and pretty nostalgic. In January of this year when I signed back up to Gamcare after once again depleting all my finances in frenzied gambling binges, I made it to 9 days. Day 9 on this thread was my last post before I relapsed again and spent the next 6 months getting myself into huge debt by gambling non stop.

My video recording worked last night but I’m starting to know the thing word for word. I’m considering making another recording but don’t really know what to say to myself this time😬

It was easy when I was on the floor, distraught straight after I had lost a fortune. I just cried and cried to myself. I can’t exactly say to myself that the last 9/10 days have been great and to keep up the good work because the last 9/10 days have been s***! I’ve struggled EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I suppose for today I just need to concentrate on making it to day 10.

I got this (I think)

Em x

You do have this Em, keep focused.  The number one way to get through this is to keep alive the knowledge you are a compulsive gambler.  The minute any of us let our guards down is the day open of us want.  I truly believe by reminding yourself every day, by making posts regularly and by reading on here daily you can get past those edgy days where you feel like your do right now.  That feeling of boredom and emptiness is because your brains wired up to get all of that excitement out of gambling. Take it away and your brain is lacking it and looking for it.  Stay strong and those feelings will slowly change and you will enjoy doing other things. 

I do recommend trying to find a hobby though.  I took up taekwondo which is laughable really as I'm a 22 stone giant lol, but it's been the best thing for me.  Also look up if there are any GA meetings near to you? I find GA really helps me week to week just to again keep that acknowledgement piece that I am a compulsive gambler. You got this!!! 

Day 10

Double figures!

The good news is that I beat my last day count on here but the bad news is that my partner came over very unwell on Tuesday night and collapsed. He’s ok now, we think it may have been food poisoning or perhaps stress related as he is not having the best time at work and the pressure I have put us under is not great. We did not get much sleep and were pretty exhausted during the day yesterday.

I hope these daily struggles will strengthen my resolve to remain GF. In the past, the more stress/ worry I’m under, the more likely I am to hit the sites but this never makes my situation better, only worse.

My next checkpoint goal is 19 days as since I started my frenzied gambling streak, I have not made it past 18 days.

The next after that will be 1st July! That will be 1 month gamble free and pay checks that will go towards the 1st monthly payment plan to help clear the debts. I literally cannot remember the last time I remained GF for a whole month. For me this will be such an achievement.

By last night my partner was feeling well enough to go out on a cheap date night to somewhere we booked months ago. It was nice.

Had a good nights sleep last night.

onwards to 2 weeks 💪

Em x

Hi Em

Hope you're ok, just a quick check in to see how you're doing??

Xx

DOUBLE FIGURES GO EM!!!

smashing it pal!!!!! 

you do right focussing on one day at a time, that’s all you need to do xxxx

Day 11

Thanks Tracey and Beside Myself. I’m ok 🙂 

My post today will be short, I’m feeling very uneasy and nervous about tomorrow (Friday). Before my most recent ‘quit’ I would gamble any day of the week but Friday was always my favourite. My partner has booked a fun evening out on Saturday and we have a full day planned for Sunday but tomorrow, I’ll be child free and alone.

I feel nauseous. My brain wants the high that gambling gave me so badly but my heart is tired and desperately wants to stay away from the destruction and despair that gambling causes.

I pray that I have the strength tomorrow to get through the day and night.

Em x

Hey Em, believe me this is all part of recovery, I was told when I had my day 1 it was like that annoying friend that you needed space from, then suddenly you miss that annoying friend and need him back in your life, but he's only going to cause more misery for you.  

The brains a funny thing and that dopamine rush is something else,  but it doesn't last and you feel s#×t the next day

Just keep thinking about that rock bottom, you don't want to feel like that again for the sake of a few hours spinning 

10 days is fab, just take 1 day at a time

We're all here in the same boat to support each other!!

Keep strong lovely xx

Day 12

Friday, the day I have been fearing all week. I feel nauseous. Desperate to gamble, don’t know what to do with myself. My video recording helped stop me in my tracks of signing up to new sites and got me on here. Now I’m reading posts from others.

I d had 5 text messages (gambling sites) in the last hour. Feeling extremely weak and vulnerable but if I can get through tonight, I reckon I’ve got a good shot at this.

cant think of what else to write, cant think of anything but gambling right now.

Hope I’m back tomorrow with a positive update and I hope these urges subside even just a little. This is excruciating. 

Em x

Hope you got through the rest of today Em. Your in my thoughts. Focus on that July mini target you mentioned ! 

Day 13!!

o spent best part of 30 minutes writing a full post only for the Gamcare site to glitch when I added it and I had not copied it. There is no way I’m writing it all out again and the littlest of things are winding me up something chronic right now so I’ll try to post better tomorrow if Gamcare site is working.

anyway made it to day 13 GF (by the skin of my teeth)!

Em x

Ha ha sorry but your post made me laugh a little.  This site can be glitchy at times and I too have been exactly the same from time to time.  Once I even wrote my full message out twice for it to glitch again lol.  Only telling you this so you know it's not just you! 

Well done getting through Friday 13th Em well done 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 👏 

One day at a time, stay away from gambling and each day it becomes further and further away 👏 👏 👏 👏