Anger at relapse and loss of trust

Hi Nikki I'm sorry you're here. You sound just like me. I thought my cg had stopped many times, even after handing over finance. He would have a bank account and just gamble loans. Because they earn and the banks don't check where salary goes they can get credit. I have access to everything now, I changed all passwords, I handle all money, he has nothing. That's how he wants it. If he goes to get milk, he gives receipt and change. This is how it has to be after 17 years of marriage. We go to GA and gamanon meetings together. Your anger is natural but it will not help. Try not to argue, get into the habit of talking when it's calm. Change the way you react. It's hard but it works. Nothing will change unless you do. Let him sort the debt, all bills are first paid by you. If he gambles online get online blockers k9 is one there are many. If he goes to the bookies self exclusion. My cg went from online to bookies, anyway he could gamble he would. Find out about addiction to help you understand and manage his behaviour. In my experience there are many mood swings, anger, blame. As for leaving unfortunately no one can decide for you. GA say 90 days. I stayed because of many things. For my cg it was escapism, he couldn't cope with crises and would become introverted. He also has depression so I would associate mood to that. Be on your guard, be strong, be calm. Lock down finances and try and move forward. They just can't stop, it's all consuming. Keep posting there will be more advice from others. We are here to help each other. Good luck!

Hi,

Sorry to hear it. There are no easy solutions but on the other hand I’ve never heard of anyone who caught the gambling early, immediately took the addiction seriously, fully educated themselves, went to and maintained meetings from the outset so as to ensure the most appropriate responses, never bailed their gambler out and lived happily ever after. In the real world, denial gets in the way and it’s a steep learning curve. But if we do (eventually) what we need to to protect and look after ourselves, life improves long term.

re meetings, GamAnon’s the most relevant but if it isn’t available, either CoDA or AlAnon would do the same job and they’re much more widely available. GamAnon is on line on Sundays but it’s not the same as real life or a substitute for it.

Lock down the finances and operate on the assumption that gambling can occur at any time without warning. Get credit reports in your name and his and also bank statements for the last three years.

The Helpline is available as often as needed and there’s probably counselling available.

I find it helpful to think in terms of a person and an addiction and the addiction takes over to differing degrees at different times. Sometimes there is more person and less addiction and other times there is more addiction and less person. Communication with a person is fine and productive but if you find that you are trying unsuccessfully to communicate with an addiction, back off because it’s not possible to have a rational conversation with an addiction.

Keep the focus on you.

CW

Having a lower day again
We seem to have covered all the main points so far (finances and cards handed over, counselling and ga sorted, new passwords on computer, told everyone about cg gambling, repayments sorted by cg, bank account closed) and I feel nothing except sadness and anger. I cannot even speak with him without getting angry so relationship pretty much non existant however too scared to split for good just now as I worry how will I cope with everything. I am not responsible for his gambling and I don't want a lifetime of having to keep an eye on him for when (not if, when) he relapses again.

Hi, you seem to be in a similar place to me at the moment. We have a son he is 7, and we run a business together. I have known he is a cg for around 7 years and that was when we started to speak more openly about it. It has been going on much longer than that and I think I had an idea but was to naive to realise. I deal with banking/ cards etc but that can be difficult as sometime clients pay us in cash, we generally manage fine but I find that his life generally revolves around trying to find ways of finding 'secret' money that I don't know about. For him it is escapism, he also drinks on and off, watches P**n, can't get off his phone. He had a relapse on Friday and we aren't in a great place at the moment. I should probably leave him, I would be fine on my own. The trouble is I don't really want to, I love our little family unit and my husband with out these addictions is kind, loving, funny and good at his job, we have the same dreams and I am not one for giving up.

Hi Nikki all those things are good. You will feel anger and sadness, you've got a lot to deal with. Get support for you. Call gamcare or go to gamanon. Things take a long time to get back to normal. There will be trust issues and mood swings. This is tough! Just deal with today. Call and talk to someone.

I am waiting for my counselling, families seem to have a much longer waiting list to cg's 🙂 i have good friends who have been helpful so rely on them just now.

This is just an update to the previous posts. I am calmer now although still having mood swings which are exhausting but it does not feel like I am going crazy anymore. I sorted my counselling and Gam Anon meetings too. Cg seems to be sticking to his side of deal with GA, being open with others about his gambling and with me taking control of finances, he's due to close his bank account as soon as debt is paid and I get his salary on mine.

I was speaking with a collegue at work today, her husband has been gambling on/off over years with some debts in the time, he still does, she was supportive after I found out about my boyfriend, but she seemed to think these measures are too extreme and people shouldbe trusted more. I know these measures are more than appropriate plus there are more in place that I did not discuss (such as credit checks, online blockers etc) and I believe she may be more codependant than I am just noe, but it made me sad. For her, because I know enough to see there is a problem, but also for myself as perhaps this is how some people see it. I have been quite open about cg addiction as he has been as well. Just some thoughts on my own recovery.

Take care.

Hi Nikki I trusted my husband and it ended badly. He doesn't want anything to do with money, which is fine by me. Denial is apparent in both cg and their partners. Sounds like she hasn't got to the stage where there is no more money, no more loans, banks say no. Let's hope it doesn't get to that. It's ok while you can afford it and it doesn't bother you. Some people gamble instead of going out. Sounds like you've got your plan in place, good for you. Stay strong!