Hi Everyone,
This is my first post here and still seems surreal. I guess I am still coming to terms with the facts of what's been happening over the last 3 years or so. Quite honestly I'm not sure how long my CG husband has been at it, but if I am honest with myself in first started in 2010 with the stock market which I presumed was just a passing phase. Then in 2012 I first discovered he was gambling, I think it was online casinos after discovering his bank statements. I confronted him, things were very rough for awhile , and he swore it would 'never happen again'.
So here we are in 2016, after discovering hundreds upon hundreds of transactions via his PayPal account. I can only go so far back as 2014 so he looks like his commitment to 'never doing it again' never really happened. The amounts were truly shocking - but what hurts most is the utter betrayal, lack of respect and disregard he had for me (his wife) and his family. I was completely livid when I found out - a week has past now and I can control my emotions and we can talk resonably.
I feel fortunate that he has recognised that he has an addiction - he has self excluded , PayPal shut down. I have all cc cards, debit cards, his salary payments, gambling blocker on and restrictions to all apps etc. So I will be taking care of all finances for the future. He is also beginning counselling too.
In complete contradiction (and I hope some of you have experienced this too), my husband has always been very 'thrifty', always lecturing me about budgets and Savings and having this insane financial spreadsheet with tight spending budgets. So on one hand I'm being basically lectured to each week on the importance of saving all our hard earned money, but on the other hand he is literally gambling away thousands a week. I guess this is why being a CG is so devestating - it's like the gambling has separated him from that person and is completely blind to it. Almost like a split personality and he has been lying to himself for years. And here I was feeling guilty treating myself to a Starbucks !
Aside from the financial setbacks, I am really struggling to come to terms with the lack of trust and the complete betrayal I feel. I have been lied to consistently for some time now - and I wonder if I didn't find out how long this would have continued on for. I am married to two different people - I don't think he truly understands that if he continues on he will lose us for good. I don't see any other way ahead than to support him this time but I feel like this is his 2nd chance and he doesn't get another one. I am worn out, run down and emotionally I don't have much more to give. We have 2 young children, are separated from family and friends and don't have a support network. So I am doing this solo as I'm unable to share this to anyone in person.
I would be grateful to hear from anyone - especially if you have managed to come through the other side.
Bless your heart!!!! What you're feeling is pretty much how many of us feel when we discover the lies, deception and mapipulation that comes with living with a CG. I hadnt realised til reading your post that the Thriftiness etc is also text book behaviour: my husband also makes spreak sheets of outgoings and household expenditure (albeit without including his gambling habit..) and recently challenged my desire to get a cleaner as "expensive". Not expensive in comparison to throwing away thousands on pounds on nothing....
Nobody can tell you what you should do or what the outcome should be but you have a plan in place and your husband seems to want to change. I wish you all the best xx
Hi LeilaB,
Well done for posting here, and thanks also for your post.
I think you’ve been brave and strong about the whole situation regarding your husband’s gambling problem. I’m glad you found the forum so you can have some form of support from forum members, especially, since you don’t have any family around to support you in this.
It also seems like you’ve taken the necessary steps to discourage him from gambling by taking over control of all his finances. Pls. keep it that way until both of you feel he’s well recovered to manage his finances again.
Hopefully, the counsellor would explore with him to know himself better, to find out the reason why he’s gambling and finding it difficult to stop, and make sense of what is actually going on with him.
I would like to make you aware that, you can also contact our free phone Helpline on: 0808 8020 133, in case you feel like chatting about how your husbands gambling problem is impacting on your life, and the rest of the family, and also find out the kind of help and support available to you as well.
I suggest that you put the needs of your children and yourself before him, as he’s an adult, and can manage better than the rest of you.
It’s good though, that he’s getting some help and counselling support from us, and I hope it works for him.
Pls. don’t hesitate to contact us directly on our Helpline, in case you need further help.
My best wishes to you, and pls. keep posting.
Kind regards,
Beatrice
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